Gem is My Name

I Am Through with Dating!!!

2012-01-09T17:29:00.004-05:00

I read this today and it TOTALLY confirmed everything the Lord has been speaking to me through His Word, prayers and other godly resources, regarding dating, or lack thereof.

Tell Dating to Go to Hell

I am no longer a part of this dating/hook up culture. I'm done! My journey is to allow God to reveal my own heart to me and mold me into a woman and wife that would be pleasing to him and a blessing to my husband. That's it. I don't have to go on countless dates to discover a mate. I don’t need to go online, doll up & insert myself in any clubs, go speed dating, ask to be hooked up, etc. God’s got me! I’ve seen Him do it before and I know He shows no favoritism! (Acts 10:34)

I believe that God's paradigm for relationships is this:

1. Service-be associated with people of both genders in all purity (1 Timothy 5), pray for them, dwell with them according to the fruits of the Spirit. This is the time to discover marriage traits in a person of the opposite sex, from afar and without emotional involvement. I read somewhere that you can glean 75 percent of what you need to know about a person (the things that really matter to God for marriage) just by being associated with them. Upon further reflection, I find this to be true.

2. Friendship- with spoken and understood intent of marriage. This is the appropriate point to share a wee bit more emotional intimacy, and get to know the person on a slightly deeper level. This is NOT the time to discover everything about the person to see if they are what we want to marry. During this time you’ll get the other 10-15 percent of what you need to know about a person prior to marriage.

3. Covenant-After we marry then and only then should we discover each other sexually and give of our selves over fully in emotional and physical intimacy.

As we graduate from one level to the next we never leave the principles of the last level behind. We only add to them. We are always to be in service and it's best to be in covenant with someone that you've grown to know and love as a friend. I think the world culture tries to get it right by saying things like "be friends first, date your best friend," etc. But I believe where we fall short is the order of things. Most "friends" that are dating in the world, are also having sex outside of the covenant of marriage and the people in the relationship think it's about them and getting their needs met and we forget about truly serving the other person. The difference with God's plan is that it's done in decency and in order and in the right timing.

GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! If nothing else He's way smarter than me and what I've done in the past has not worked!!! I've decided to trust HIM instead...

Spiritual Goals

2012-01-03T02:30:00.003-05:00

1. Continue to tithe faithfully, give offerings above my tithe and begin to move into the area of extravagant giving (first fruit offerings, faith gifts, sewing into ministries, helping people that are in need, blessing others with my overflow. I will move into this area once I pay off some debts I owe)

2. I've accepted a role in a new girls mentoring ministry. I will commit to one year, 1 Saturday per month and other activities as required

3. Begin with an hour of worship, prayer, and devotion each morning before I do anything else. I want to give God the first part of each day

4. Move into giving God a 10th of each day (2.4 hours) with prayer, Bible reading, blogging, journal writing, meditation and reflection

5. Continue to speak to every person I see and practice kindness as much as possible

6. Look for more opportunities to minister the Gospel and boldly claim them when they arise
a. One thing that is on my heart is to stop promising to pray for people and instead pray for a person immediately (with them if possible) as soon as an issue arises

New Life Resolution

2012-01-03T01:55:00.003-05:00

I really have to organize myself and better manage my time so that I can spend more time with the Lord each day. I can no longer afford to let sleep, work, church, ministry, running, working out, friends, family, what other folks want me to do, what I want to do, etc to take away from my time with the Lord. I need Him more than the air I breathe. Everything else that I need, want, desire, will flow from me going deeper in Christ.

Last night I prayed through tear stained eyes about the things I still struggle with (self esteem issues, not feeling worthy, allowing people to mistreat me) and He said it's because of my average worship lifestyle, my vision of myself continues to be average! I was stunned! Who me? Average? But I believe the Holy Sprit is the best mirror and I've given the Lord carte blanche to reveal, to redeem to restore what He must in me...So here I go. I'm going deeper.

I read the Word, I do devotion and I pray a lot but I'm inconsistent. I need to do it in a more structured way so that it can become a habit and my lifestyle. I really would love to get to a place where I can tithe a part of each day (2.4 hours) to the Lord. That's lofty but I'd like to see myself there within the next 3 months. I've started with an hour each morning. This is going to take discipline. Pray for me.

Prayer for my Husband

2011-12-10T03:28:00.002-05:00

ABBA, you created me, and I believe you created marriage for my good and your glory. I don’t know your timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married. I Thank You, Lord, because you placed this strong desire in my heart “and called it good”. Father, please forgive me for the times I spoke against this desire to be married and even asked you to take it away. Now that I understand your purpose, I am thankful that you would never honor such a request. Thank You that you’ve already been where I’m headed, you know what my future holds, and you’ve ordered my steps. Thank you for the blessing of marriage and for my future husband. I pray that your favor be upon him all the days of his life. Please be with him and prepare his heart to do your will, even as you are preparing me to be a wife that will be pleasing in your sight. Thank you for the grace to remain pure and to resist the temptations of this world while I wait. Please keep me from the distraction of ungodly men that are not suitable to be my husband. Thank you, Lord that all good and perfect gifts come from you and that there is no sorrow added to Your blessings. Thank you, Father that your desires are my desires. Thank you, Holy Spirit for continuing to teach me and for opening the eyes of my heart and understanding. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ., AMEN.

The List

2011-12-10T03:07:00.005-05:00

I've never made that infamous list of everything I want in a mate. I used to think it was silly and pretty shallow and now I understand why. Although sitting down and making a laundry list of what I THINK I deserve in a mate would be edifying to my flesh, it's not God's heart. Our culture teaches us to approach marriage like that of a consumer; I am signing this contract so I better have all my clauses in it and the product I'm getting better fulfill my every desire, or else…we divorce. Lol!

God is teaching me that is a fallacy. God's purpose for marriage is to teach us to love and forgive like his Son Jesus Christ. Jesus purchased us, signed up for us, entered into covenant (blood contract) with us by dying on the cross with NO GUARANTEE that we'd ever get right or accept his sacrifice. I believe that God designed marriage to be the final proving ground for maturity, and learning to love sacrificially with grace and forgiveness towards our mate. Marriage, when you look at it through God’s eyes is a perfect model of our relationship with Christ. Whew! I’m learning so much!

Not to mention I'm more focused on "becoming the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for" as Andy Stanley so eloquently put it.
But in lieu of the infamous list, I believe there are certain non-negotiable things that a man must have. I believe all these can be gleaned from just being a friend to a man and watching his walk and the fruit of his life. So instead of the list, here are my 5 non-negotiable things….

1. Must be a believer in the Holy Trinity and a follow of Jesus Christ.
2. Must be willing and able to provide for a family
3. Must love sacrificially
4. Must be honest and communicate openly and consistently
5. Must have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader (head)

Forgiveness

2011-12-07T23:00:00.002-05:00

It's widely known (by those who know me) that my natural father made some very selfish decisions that caused my mother’s death (10 days after I was born) and left me basically an orphan and ward of the state until I was 18. The part that's still coming to the surface is how much his actions affected the rest of my family (mother's side).

My aunt can't even talk about the situation and losing her sister without coming to tears, some 30+ years later. It hurts my heart to see her sad but I'm mostly over it.

Specifically, I've forgiven him. I know that it wasn’t him. The devil saw the future that God has for me and he wanted to abort God's plan. That's the devil’s job (he comes to steal kill and destroy) and he uses spirits through people to accomplish his work. Ironically that's also God's M.O. for showing His goodness (The Holy Spirit at work in willing humans).

The other day I told my aunt that though I'm not necessarily interested in having a relationship with my natural father, I feel sorry for him because he's missing out on a lovely daughter. I also said if I ever saw him in need, I'd help him; to which she replied "How can you do that? I wouldn’t." I don't know. I just know that I would.

I know that everything we learn here on earth about love and forgiveness is God trying to make us just like Jesus so that He can enjoy a heaven full of perfectly loving "Jesus(s)" when we get to heaven. In the end, God loves Jesus so much that He wants all of us to be just like Him! Jesus loves and forgives perfectly and I want to be just like Him. Jesus is dope! Forgiveness is hard (my natural father did unspeakable things) but God is good and the devil can't hold me because I belong to God....for that I'm thankful and I don't want to displease God by harboring un-forgiveness towards ANYONE...I will pray for my aunt and the rest of my family to get there. They’re still talking about tracking him down to beat him. Lord have mercy!

No one is worthy of my un-forgiveness...no one

Who I am...

2011-11-04T18:07:00.005-04:00

I saw a challenge on Twitter where one of the people I follow challenged folks to write down everything they truly believe they bring to the table in a relationship. Since this type of thing goes right in line with my quest to becoming Mrs. Right, I decided to take it. Here's what I can honestly say I can bring to a relationship TODAY.

I am submitted to God
I am dependable
I am responsible
I am Giving
I am Loyal
I am Nice
I am resourceful
I am hard working
I am willing to share
I don't have secrets that I'm not willing to share w/my partner
I am smart and make good decisions
I am a good listener
I live a pretty quiet and drama free life
I'm fun
I'm not a party girl
I have a good reputation
I am sincerely working towards developing a Christ-like character
I am serious
I am supportive
I put others before myself
I am protective
I am passionate
I am Consistent
I am Affectionate
I am Compassionate
I am optimistic
I am successful
I am Healthy & Physically fit
I take care of myself
I am faithful
I am independent (but want to depend on someone)
I am dedicated
I am attractive
I am modest
I am honest
I know what I want
I am willing to use my resources for the advancement of us
I am willing to work WITH a man
I am communicative and open
I am willing to share my emotions and let someone in
I am not materialistic
I am willing to please
I am willing to yield
I am flexible
I am happy
I am funny
I am forgiving
I am prayerful
I am willing to share
I am intelligent
I am educated
I am friendly
I can cook
I keep a clean home
I'm not frivolous
I am respectful
I am self aware
I can get along with anyone and fit in most places
I can hold a conversation
I am intellectually curious, stimulating and engaging
I am open to constructive feedback
I desire to be a mother, teacher to my children, caregiver and family matriach
I am strong and sound minded (mentally, emotionally, spiritually)BLESS THE LORD!
I am well rounded
I am balanced
I am sensual
I am trustworthy
I am romantic
I am challenging
I am chaste
I am career driven but not career obsessed
I am family-oriented
I am open-minded

I am also willing to be challenged in any of these areas. So if I find I'm not living up to them, I will gladly do better. I already know that I need to work on being more Patient, that's why I omitted that from the list. Lol! But by God's grace, I will get there. I'm also skeptical about whether this list should be this long. Am I tooting my own horn? I'm inclined to think that relationships require a lot of these intangibles to be successful; especially a marrriage and I'm happy to know (in my heart) that I posses the qualities above. I'm certainly not above reproach or further refinement, but the core foundation is there and being devloped even more each day.

Becoming Mrs. Right

2011-09-28T17:20:00.005-04:00

The main points of the series "The New Rules for Sex, Love & Dating" is that we don't magically become a good mate after we meet and marry "the right person", in fact this "happily every after" myth is why many marriages fail. Seems so simple of a concept, but when you did deeper, it's clear how this thinking can be problematic and how one must make a conscious effort to avoid this trap, well before marriage. I want to be the BEST WIFE I CAN BE, when that time comes, and I know that begins in me.

Andy Stanley asserts that being/becoming a good mate is a process that must be undertaken long before you even meet your mate. Many people want to commit but are simply unprepared to do so because they did not prepare in advance for the commitment that they are making. For me, an unmarried woman, this concept seems fundamental. To me, this is the heart of God, that we seek Him to mold us into the image he has for us and everything else will fall into place. In fact loving God first is not only a command but it's the path to understanding HOW to love others...

I'd venture to take it a step further and say this process should not be taken solely for the objective of attracting a the person you want, but that becoming the type of person you'd want to love simply makes you a better person. What a concept...

This message actually confirmed a lot of things that I'd already been thinking about and praying about. I've been sensing that God wants me to focus on Him and allow him to change me solely for His enjoyment, for his glory, and he'll add a mate to my life if he decides to share me. LOL!

So that is my endeavor...to become Mrs. Right. As with most real change, it begins with a purpose of heart and then applying Godly principles to renew the mind. Everything else will happen....with some practical application

So here we go...I'm excited!

Designer Sex & Becoming Mrs. Right

2011-09-28T14:32:00.005-04:00

This entire series "The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating" on becoming the person you want to find is dope and a Godsend but Part II, "Designer Sex" echoes everything I believe about sex outside of marriage and the speaker addresses the topic so eloquently.

The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating

It was so good and blessed me so much that I HAD to send it to like everyone I know. I pray that people will at least take the time to listen.

Growing Pains

2011-09-23T15:31:00.009-04:00

I can always tell when I've made the right decision in a situation; my emotions are unhappy but my mind is clear. My resolve is strengthened.

The heart wants what it wants. My heart wants a companion, a future husband; one that is witty, godly, intellectual, funny, successful, smart, educated, sweet, compassionate, attractive, etc...

I saw potential there. But he wasn’t for me (at least not at this time) because he DID NOT CHOOSE ME! I'm learning...it only took me 8 months this time instead of 3 years. Thank God for giving me this moment of clarity.

I think I said everything I wanted to say. The conversation went well. There is no love lost and even the heated discourse was compassionate and intellectually stimulating (darn that man, LOL!!) so that's how I know we'll both remember each other fondly. Which for me, is a happy ending.

He expressed disappointment in my decision. Which lets me know that he didn’t really expect me to make the choice I did. HA! Men are funny to me. All of a sudden he could picture himself having a change of heart. Maybe he will. But I can't afford to wait around for it.

As I said to him, if he's a person that God will have for me, he will come to his senses and come back around and I will gladly receive him. I know God will not withhold any good thing from me, His word says so. And with that, I bid you adieu sir...

One of my girls said this to me after I told her about the ending: "girl, u r growing leaps and bounds. God is smiling on u right now he's like, "look at my baby girl"...

Amen. I pray that He is...

Needs to be Said

2011-09-21T17:01:00.001-04:00

You know what? I really need to say this:

It's been really refreshing conversing with Cope. I keep reverting back to the conversation from last night. Being a professional woman in the DC area is hard. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've always first and foremost seen myself as a wife and mother. But as I've grown and realized that those roles don't always come so easily, I've refocused my energy on the things I can control like my education and career. I think this is what a lot of women do.

So when men run across women that seem to be all about their career, it's often not her first choice but rather a default position as a result of the relationship thing seeming unattainable. After all, men do the choosing, not women. God made men the gatekeepers of marriage, by virtue of the fact that men do the asking of the woman's hand in marriage (i don't care that women now ask men too, I'm an old fashioned girl). Not to mention there are a lot of men who are simply non-committal!

It's so refreshing and encouraging to make the acquaintance of a man who knows what he wants and seems ready to do what he needs to pursue it and will not play games with his woman. I was starting to think all "decent" (smart, educated, can hold a conversation, has a job, handsome, no kids, Christian, etc) men are simply content to deal with multiple women forever. Even if it goes nowhere, I'm really enjoying being proven wrong.(:)(:)(:)

Love in a Time of Famine

2011-09-20T15:47:00.005-04:00

"We aren't victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we've simply chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God's standard. Since we found God's standard too difficult, we created a mixture -- something new, something comfortable, something mediocre."

What God wants for me is His best, the most perfect gift that he could ever give me. But to reach this, it takes sacrifice on my part. I'm learning every day, that this walk of abstinence will be traversed on an often lonely road. I've always been prepared for the loneliness of being rejected by the opposite sex, what's catching me off guard is finding fellow sisters in Christ who are also sold out.

I think/I know what's missing is our complete adherence to God's word in every area of our lives. That seems easier in other areas than with sexual purity. Somehow we find ways to justify sexual sin as "the one sin" that God will just have to deal with us on...as if we only have one sin. I've done it. Does that make me unworthy of having a heart change and being totally convicted now? I don't think so, grace says that's not so. Yet I admit, at times I feel like I don't have the right! I've had sex and lot's of it. I'm nobody's angel or virgin.

Today I read a (supposed to be Christian relationship) blog where the writer was using Bible scripture to admonish her readership against "having sex too soon" in a relationship! She caveat(ed) by saying "but for the Christian, too soon is any sex before marriage". I was floored! Is this not a Christian based blog? Why are you even discussing any other type of sex? But I didn’t comment! I just got upset and unsubscribed...Silly me.

In those moments I hear the Spirit of the Lord saying, "You need to speak up! This world is starving for the truth. There is famine in the land and you have the manna of God's word, so share it in its unadulterated truth. You think that love is sparing the feelings of others. But my love is conviction that at times cuts like a knife but sets you free by grace. Share it"! Yet I remain silent and I feel guilty....

I Want That Old Thing Back

2011-09-12T15:04:00.004-04:00

I miss my life before FB, Twitter, etc. Today I decided I want it back. So I’m taking it back.

The other day I counted how many times I logged in to my twitter and/or FB account and the answer was "you need to get a life". Really, I have no life right now. I'll literally sit there (while watching a movie) and hit refresh on my social networking tool of choice umpteen times. I think it's sad. So I deleted everything.

Sure, I could decrease the number of times I log in but the real issue is I just don't want to consume other people's lives anymore. I want to live my own and not share it with people I don't really consider friends in real life. So I deleted everything.

I want to write again, I want to take a cooking class, I want to study for the GMAT, I want to look for jobs in Chicago, and not share any of it, unless it’s with my support system. I'm glad people are having birthdays, babies, parties, weddings, etc. But I don't care or want to care. So I deleted everything.

Most of the content is not conducive to where I am in my life right now. I spend a considerable amount of time hiding people from my newsfeed, unfriending and blocking people.

I deleted the last guy I was "talking to" because I realized that whole reason I kept him as a FB friend was to use it to somehow manipulate him into missing me, thinking of me, wanting me etc. I'm on a spiritual journey to clean up my life, change my motives, and be more sincere in the way I move, So I deleted everything.

Ahhhhh

My Heart's Desire...

2011-08-29T14:39:00.000-04:00

no drama, no ridiculousness, no guessing, no games, no excuses, no lopsidedness, no extra people, no rollercoastering, nothing contrived, nothing difficult. just easy and natural...

I'm Getting Mine, God is getting His

2011-08-25T13:35:00.003-04:00

Free was right, there's a confidence, self-esteem boost and all around good feeling that comes with accomplishing some goals! In less than 3 months I've walked across the stage to receive my college degree and obtained a very important professional credential. God is good...I'm winning.

I'm saying this because I need to..I struggle with tooting my own horn because it does not seem humble. But I know that God gets his glory through my life, so toot, toot!

Onward and Upward

Scars

2011-07-25T17:10:00.001-04:00

Listening to J. Moss "Rebuild Me"

It's funny almost creepy how the past will come back to haunt you, taunt you in the weirdest way at the most inopportune time. That's usually when it's time to sit still and listen to the Spirit of the Lord speak...

I've been contemplating blogging again...I've never been great at keeping a written journal (maybe it's that I don't like writing by hand) but no less than 3 people in the past week have begged me to "journal" regarding some stuff...I was fighting it. I'd determined that I'm healed of all things past and to confess otherwise is to deny my faith that God has done His work...I'm at times foolish and hard headed.

So there I was in the mirror, admiring my physique ('cause I've been working out, eating right and I look hot!)...my eyes glazed over my curves, admiring the tone in my arms, the 3 piece forming into my abs, then they landed on the first scar and then the second and the third, and the tears fromed and my mind flooded with memories. All I could do was cry out...and ask God why? Why would He allow this, and why does it still hurt?

"Jesus also bears scars He said, to remind me of the sacrifice, the pain, the cost, but most importantly, the victory. Your pain was not in vain. Healing is a process, walk in it without shame...for my glory".

I'm going to deal with this...

No Tears

2010-10-26T12:20:00.005-04:00

No tears, no broken-hearted soliloquies. God’s got this. He's got me covered. I'll be just fine...

I thought I'd be a mess for weeks, months, forever...but mercy said "NO"! I cried out to God, he counted my tears and said "THAT'S ENOUGH"! I feel stronger each day. Through this process I'm learning to allow people to be there for me, to allow myself to be transparent even to myself in order to release and be healed. I'm on the cusp of total peace. I acknowledge the still daily tug at my heart. I embrace the fond memories and even allow myself to reflect on what could have been. I even thank God for this yearning. They let me know that my heart is still open. I want to stay open to the possibilities. Yet I pray that the lessons learned will make me wiser, a bit more pragmatic, and careful.

It's natural. I was created as a woman by God to nurture such longing, such hope for the love of a man and for unborn children. If the woman did not commit to keep the hope flame alive, who would?

But I was never created to feel desperate, insecure, unloveable or heartbroken. God has ordered my steps and I only desire to walk in the path he's prepared for me.

God's way is not popular, fun, or easy but there is safety and protection therein. I want to feel safe and secure in God's unconditional and perfect love. His way is the path for me.

Facebook Foolishness

2010-10-11T16:34:00.006-04:00

After my mini meltdown this morning and feeling a general hopelessness about getting the love I want, I am encouraged by something.

I want to preface by saying that I think that FB by and large is useless! It's only useful for people who are really interesting/funny or have a business that they are promoting. It's also (unfortunately) useful for people who want to use it to hurt other people in a passive aggressive way. After being on the short end of that more than once, I deleted and blocked all people associated with nonsense on FB.

After I did that (and did some self inventory) I realized that I am guilty of using it to see things that other people are doing that often hurt me. Like I know it's there and I've unwillingly/willingly seen it and regardless of how "petty" anyone thinks I am for feeling this way, I felt like they were done in a hurtful way. So I made a conscious decision to not go looking on certain people's pages etc....Rambling I know….

Basically what I'm saying is that AFTER I took measures to delete and BLOCK these people I realized that there really is nothing else for me to see on FB!! Lol! Unless I go and unblock these people and that would be me asking for punishment. So I won’t do that. I want to heal.

I was invited to something via FB today and when I logged in this is the first thing that I saw:

Dear Isabella, you are daddy's princess but 1st came the queen. You see before I could become a father I had to become a husband. Not just any husband but the husband worthy to share my life with the one that was meant for me, your mother. God commissioned me to find my soulmate and to wed, honor, and protect her. And 2 years ago today, before Him, we vowed to love each other forever. I love you, April Nicole Young.

So the moral of this ramble is that these are the rare moments that FB is used for niceness and pleasantness and I needed to see this. I’m not going as far as deleting my account because there are people that want to keep in distant contact with me and I them and for now, I like that.

Come Back, Don't Leave Me....this way

2010-10-11T00:23:00.002-04:00

I knew it was to good to be true. I let so much out this weekend. I told trusted friends about my issues, got prayer, went to church, even talked to him and I thought I was feeling better. I thought was going to be OK. I'm not OK. When will I be OK? Please don't leave me like this. I need just a little more time. I'm longing for you sooo much. Maybe it's at night but I can't sleep at all. I'm just sitting here sad. I'm not crying, finally! But I'm soooo sad.

I need more time.

Struggling...

2010-10-08T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'm struggling
I'm hurting
I'm confused
I'm questioning
I'm wrestling
I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm crying
I'm praying
I'm hoping
I'm trying

I Remember

2009-09-28T12:05:00.002-04:00

"This is not to get confused, this one's for you...."

We've not spoken much lately
And it's been longer since I've seen your face
For my own good I had to set you free I had to let you go but I think of you daily
My heart hasn't thrown our love away

I remember you...your gentle ways, your patience with me,
never rushing me to love, you took your time, you learned me

Your fun loving essence, antonymous to my uptightness I recall your vibrancy each time I hear certain Musiq
I get lost in thoughts of you, as I sit and reminisce

I think of how You restored my faith and reminded me of the possibilities of love
I remember how loving you felt so effortless and everything I am was just enough

Have I ever told you thank you?
Even when I focused on the junk, my love for you was always true

Perhaps I forgot to tell you, if I did let me mention again
I love you my dear and today I remember my friend

Back to Blogging

2009-09-14T17:47:00.002-04:00

I've gone back and forth about whether or not to continue with this blog. I realized that in the past, I blogged as a way to deal with a particular situation. It helped me through the painful times. For whatever reason, after my ex was murdered I became uninspired. I just forgot to blog, though I've had some great content. I realized though, that my blog was always helpful to me in terms of releasing...and I miss having that outlet. One thing that's been great in my life is that for whatever reason, me and my best girlfriends have been closer than ever! In the past I didn't really share too much of what was going on with anyone so I basically needed this blog to vent, LOL! Now I've realized that I just want to be here, however randomly or sporadically, I want to blog again! Huraaayyyy!!!

Summer of 2009-Reflecting

2009-09-14T17:37:00.004-04:00

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."—Charles Dickens

This summer has been crazy! Well it's practically over now, but I'm taking a moment to reflect. Two aspects in particular stand out to me; death and birth.

Some deaths did not directly affect me but still took a moment to deal with (Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett among others)....

and then there was the death of a dear, dear friend of mine. Every time I think of him, picture his face, remember our last hug, I get sad and I need to take a moment to regroup. He was such a beautiful human being inside and out and though he knew and loved God and is in a better place, it hurts no less. Thinking of his new bride who is now a widow after a few short months of being married to her King seems no less tragic. I miss him, I'm still mourning him and things will just never be the same without J!

The thing I've realized though is that as much death that has befallen some loved ones, there have been children being born all around me. From close friends to old school pals, folks have been popping out some babies man! All this just makes me thank God that he always replenishes what is lost, figuratively and literally.

This summer I went to Puerto Rico with my girls and also had the opportunity to visit Brazil. Both beautiful places in their own right and both inspiring to me. I love traveling; I discover something new about myself whenever I go somewhere. I also discover something new about God. I always feel him ever so close and I know that he's trying to show me something, teach me something. I want to learn whatever it is.

Insomnia

2009-05-03T02:10:00.003-04:00

It is 2:10am on Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I suddenly don't want to be alone at all anymore. I realize that I spend a lot (too much) time alone, aside from work, school, etc, where I am forced to be around others. I suddenly want to gather all the people I love into one room and be with them all the time.

I found out that my first love was shot and murdered on Friday morning. My ex (the second man I ever loved) was the deliverer of the awful news; how ironic and sad. The latent reaction I had came full force as I cried in the arms of the last man I ever loved. Tonight I found out more details and I lost all composure. I guess it's true that when you love someone you never really stop. When it's real, it's forever. It was rocky, it was painful at times but it was real. He wanted to marry me. But for good reason, I declined. Everyone that knew us then, has called to comfort me. They knew how I loved my Prince. They were there to witness it all. My girls remember the night rides we took to DC our senior year in high school, so I could see "what was really going on". He was my first love, my first heartbreak...the one that I thought I'd "die without". I didn't die, I am still here...I wish he was too. I wish people that he thought were his "friends" did not devalue his life so much. I wish his son still had a father and his mother still had a son.

I watched the fight with my friends tonight. It was a good distraction, but now I really don't want to be alone. I wish my love was here to hold me. I've tried everything. Maybe I'll take something to help me sleep. Me with my delayed reactions. I thought I was okay. I guess I rationalized that since we have not been together in so many years, my response would/should be light. Like why should I feel so hurt? "He was your first love P". "It's okay to cry". that's what ex number two said tonight. So I will cry myself to sleep.

He Found Me

2009-04-20T22:33:00.004-04:00

This is a cute little (true) story that happened to me. It really encouraged me on the "love" front.

I met this guy, really randomly and we instantly began a conversation. I was in one of my open & friendly moods (it does pay to smile) that day so I guess that was radiating off me and inviting all kinds of positive energy towards me. Anyway, during the conversation we started talking about what we do for a living. He's a labor lawyer, I'm a project manager. Our conversation quickly turned to developing countries (specifically countries in my beloved AFRICA) so naturally he peaked my interest. Anyway at the end of the convo, I guess we were too shy to force the issue by"booking" each other so we left it at alone; both armed with good clues to find each other if we so wished; name, organization, area worked....

I tossed the idea of looking him up around for a minute and then decided against it. I've decided I'm done working so hard to get a man's attention. After a week, I just wrote him off and left the thought of him as well as all my realities behind as I headed off to Cali. Got back and decided to clear my voice mails (I'm horrible at checking both personal and professional voice mails; (this is a terrible and trifling habit from which I need deliverance<:)) and would you know, he'd found me and left a voice mail the very next day, stating that he was going to Nepal for two weeks and would love to see me again upon his return...

Another "interesting" part of this whole scenario? He's of another persuasion. For some reason I'm tickled that a white man's interested in me. I'm mean, I'm not opposed and by no means do I see this as "better" or feel like it's something special, I've just never been pursued by a non-black man before, ever. I'm just amused. No offense to anyone. And the man is fine!<:)

This encouraged me (hell I'd even venture to say boosted my ego a little<:)) because I was just being me and made an impression on someone enough for them to do a little work to get to me. He really took a chance too. Because I could have gotten amnesia and cursed him out or filed a police report. I did not have to initiate anything, do any work, or exert too much effort and honestly that's refreshing and uplifting. I've been told that when true love comes, it'll feel something like that. Not saying this man is him but I know that the more I allow God to take control the more moments like this I'll have which will become my standard so when he does appear, I'll know what he feels like.

I love the Lord for this. Just the small little things he does to show His love for me. If you think about it, we NEVER have to work for God's love. It's easy and natural, we just fall back and receive it.

Girrrllll, where you been?

2009-04-20T19:36:00.004-04:00

I've been M.I.A from my blog for a minute but that's only because life is taking some random pleasant twists and turns and the kid has had to focus my energy that way...But for updates sakes, here goes:

This is old but--Cali was great! I needed that rest and I'm glad I was reminded how much I adore San Francisco. There are so many artsy and eclectic places and things to explore. It. Was. Great! The end...

I got promoted at work (last week actually) which=double my work load and demands even more of my focus. I literally get to log into my "personal" accounts and things once per day, if I'm lucky and that's during my "lunch break" via my cell phone.

I've just been relaxing, studying the WORD, getting refreshed spiritually and remaining focused.

It's also the home stretch for spring semester so that means that my evenings/nights are not mine. I'll be in school this summer but I'm so looking forward to a less rigid schedule.

Other than, I'm just chilling and spending time with those who want to spent time with me and that's in every aspect of my relationships.<:) From time to time I find myself slipping into "feeling some kinda way" mode and I just quickly reel it back in. I have the power within me to control my emotions and I'm exercising it. I think the most important lessons I've learned recently is not to be so hard on myself. So I'm practicing that.

Lamentations on Love - I Just Wanna Be Free

2009-04-04T22:02:00.007-04:00

At her show while performing "Take Me", Teedra Moses said "I want to fall in love again yall". "It's been 8 years, damn". LOL! I thought to myself why? Why Teedra? "Why do you want to fall in love, to have someone bring temporary happiness just to snatch it away? Why, why, why? Cynical view, I know but really what does love do, but disappoint? Yes there are the moments and periods of happiness and even in those times I'll be wondering when is the crap going to hit the fan? When is he going to come to me and say he doesn't want this anymore? He doesn't want to be with me, I'm an amazing woman but he's just not there right now. He's sorry he cheated? I just don't know yall!! There's no such thing as enjoying the moment, only to regret it later. Where would I be right now if I'd said "no" to some moments? Would I be better off for "using my head" or left wondering and living with the regret of missed opportunitues? I can't win. It's not like this with ANYTHING else! If I enjoy the moment with my girlfriends I never regret it later. I just want this to make sense to me. I don't do well with things that don't make sense. I'm scared right now. Not scared but weery...I'm skeptical. It will take a lot to make me give in again. I know that for sure. God himself will need to whisper audibly and clearly to me. I can't be knocked down again. I just can't. I'm guarding my heart...as God in his Word instructs me to.

This is what paralyzes me, keeps me from calling or returning phone calls. I'm on the cusp of melancholy and peace...getting closer to peace each day. I want to be for once, totally emotionally detached. Not loving someone, not missing anyone. Not wishing he was still here. I just want to be free. I've never been free. I spent three years with the first, 8 years with the next. Almost two years trying to have the last. I want to be free. I feel like love has always been that thing that eludes me. The one area where I don't have it together, my dirty little secret. She's a diva but don't nobody want her. She's all that but he won't committ to her. She's so smart, why did he cheat on her?

I have some questions. Is there ever a place in love where you feel like that business is finished, we both gave our best, we moved on and there are no casualties? I don't know. I don't know of any situations like that. Do you? There's always someone left feeling like there was more to be shared, there's more that could have been done. When does love leave you totally satisfied? Never it seems. At least not in my experience. It's always bittersweet. I just want the sweet, for once, forever. I know hurt is a part of life, but I don't want to hurt anymore. Maybe I just need to rebuild myself, my esteem, my faith in love. I want to Be okay again...then think about this love thing again. But right now, it's just not for me. I just want to be free. Like it or not, this is my truth.

Weekly Wrap Up

2009-04-03T14:13:00.005-04:00

Whew.....is the best word for it.

This has been a fast and crazy week. But in a good way. Lot's going on professionally and personally and I'm loving it all.

Teedra Moses capped my week off nicely with her lively and engaging performance. I rolled solo but had a great time. My little cousin and some of her friends from Howard were there. I had a great view and Teedra did not disappoint. I had no idea she was so tiny. She is so beautiful and energetic. She seems like she could be one of my girlfriends.

Is it me or do men become more IGNANT with their "compliments" (read: rude comments) when they're in pairs? It's amazing how a "you look nice this evening" can quickly turn into a "GOT DAMN you FINE, LOOK AT THEM LIPS, I'll SUCK on that bottom lip!, DAYUM" when a fool and his partner in foolishness unite. Note to men: such behavior will Never and I mean never ever land you the girl. It's actually scary and offensive, especially when the woman is alone on a dark street.

I realized that I'm not ready to "date". I keep thinking and even saying I'll call this one or that one but I never do. Basically when it comes to dating multiple people, I'm lazy. Just give me someone that I'm into and I have no problem putting in work and effort, but the thought of calling and entertaining random dudes just makes me sleepy.

People keep saying that I'm glowing and I look happy. I even got one "you look like you're in love"...interesting. Maybe it's just that new Ambi Even and Clear moisturizer? (Shrugs).

My Doctor told me that I have high blood pressure. Sigh. My pressure has actually been on the higher end for a while so she's been monitoring it. Obviously she can't tell me to "stop smoking, loose weight, eat right, or start exercising" as I don't have issues with any of those things. I do have a hot temper (I let things stress me easily) so I can work on that, and I will. There is history of high blood pressure in my family (found that out recently) and Doc thinks that eventually I'll be on medication for it. The devil is a LIAR!! I can't stand the idea of being "on" anything for the rest of my life. I'll be researching natural ways to combat high pressure this weekend....and praying.

How I Met Your Father

2009-04-02T16:40:00.004-04:00

At Work....

Where does a busy knowledge worker in a metropolitan, who's not into the club or "singles" scene meet other single, available people of SUBSTANCE? AT WORK, DuH!! I realized the other day that I've met all my "men" at work. Dates back to my first job at the tender age of 15. I met my first boyfriend while I was working...at the mall. He came in bruised and broken from a motorcycle accident. He was the finest boy that my 15 year old eyes had ever seen. I was helping him pick out some shorts and noticed that his shoe was untied. Seeing that he was unable to do so himself, I knelt down and tied it for him. No big deal to me. Moved a mountain for him. He was 2 years older but already very street so getting treated nicely by random girls was something new to him. Go figure. He wifed me up in two seconds flat and broke my heart 3 years later. My next boy (my ex) and I met through friends that I knew from work. The actual exchange of info did not happen until he ran me (and my too short dress) down while I was taking my lunch break from my manager post at Betsey Johnson. We were together for almost a decade. He said he was attracted to my independence from the start. Alejandro and I also met at work. This time a quick exchange of smiles and a wave lead to a procurement of his business card and the rest is black history. I'm convinced that I will meet my husband/the father of my children (hence the title of this post) at work, randomly. I've not ruled out other options but that's my stance right now. Here are my reasons:

I don't go out (clubs, bars, etc) like that.
I am mean and I don't take kindly to totally random "bookings”, but for whatever reason, I’m more “open” while I’m at work. Not sure why, but it’s true. Also meeting people on the party circuit takes too much effort. I have to get dolled up, pay money to get in, etc. Meeting someone at work is free and easy because I’m already going to look nice and walking from my car to my office is free. As a matter of fact I’m getting paid when I get there.
When I meet a man at work, there's some equal footing, especially if he's also "working" when we meet. We both have jobs; we both have some purpose in life.
I can glean his fashion sense. Yes, this is important, especially for the initial attraction. He’s probably checking out my a$$ or my shoes and I’m peeping his shirt & tie coordination. And definitely his shoes!
Typically our mode of communication will be via email, so I can evaluate his email/written communication game (must be viscous for me to be hooked).
I will possibly see some interaction between him and his colleagues. I've been told that this is the best way to evaluate a man...through his interaction with others. You can date a man for months and never meet his “friends” but if you work near a person, at some point you will see him interact with others.
The first date is usually substantive. We'll probably go to lunch or dinner after work, where we'll talk about work, we'll learn about what we do, maybe even get a sense of each other's passion in life. We'll probably learn something about the other's educational background, where they're from, etc. It's not the usual "I'm just trying to hit" first date banter. I think this date will have both wanting to know more about the other.
When you meet a man at work, you've already put your best foot forward. You look nice, he gets to see that you're independent (hopefully), he might be impressed by your fancy title (just kidding), and you're not just another random hot chick in the club. You already stand out. You're more than a pretty face/nice body. That's just my opinion.

I'll be honest, whenever I do take a random number or give mine out, I usually never call, and I don't answer if he calls, because my interest has weaned by that point. After the initial "oh he's fine" I'm over it and thinking about the handsome, well draped, educated, witty engineer or labor attorney that I had that great lunch with who I'm trying to get to know better. I'm just saying!! Men at work, they rock!!

Now this list is not comprehensive and under no circumstances would I date a man that I actually work with. That would be kind of hard where I work anyway. I must also mention that if you actually end up dating this person it may be difficult to deal with the possibility of running into him once the relationship has ended, especially if he begins dating someone else at work (shudders at the thought). But what situation in life is perfect?

"Radio"-Cool Mindless Fun

2009-04-01T10:53:00.011-04:00

I borrowed this little game from FB. It's the only "list" that I thought was cool.

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

Here we go....

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY? "Put Your Hands on Me" Joss Stone (hey hugs make everything better right?)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? "She Will Be Loved” Maroon 5

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Lucifer” Jay-Z (I have been known to like a bad boy, but Lucifer?)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? "Circus" Britney Spears (Hey I don't make this stuff up)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "Waiting for Tonight" Jennifer Lopez...(okay, what's happening tonight?)

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO? "Show Stopper" Danity Kane (Yes I am!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "Gives You Hell" The All American Rejects (Hilarious!!) Do I?

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "In Love with a Girl" Gavin DeGraw (hmmm)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Ignat S**t” Drake/Lil Wayne (LOL!!!)

WHAT IS 2 + 2? "All Night Long" Robin Thicke/Lil Wayne (Huh?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? "Closer" Neyo (Cute)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "O.O.C" Mariah Carey (That's exactly how I feel sometimes)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "All Dressed Up in Love" Jennifer Hudson (that's a nice thought)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Don’t Let Go” Sarah Mclachlan/Bryan Adams (WOW!! STFU!) I wonder if he's ever heard this song? It's beautiful and I always think of him when I hear it. WoW!!

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Points of Authority/99 Problems/One Step Closer" Linkin Park/Jay-Z (Hey, sound like marriage to me)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "Sports Sex & Food” Tweet (LOL!) me in a nutshell....

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "A Milli" Lil Wayne (You got that right!!)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? "Bittersweet" Kanye/John Mayer (my exact sentiments on death)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Video Phone" Beyonce (Oh my!! shhh, don't tell anyone)

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW? "Rescue Me" Teedra Moses

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Grown Woman" Mary J. Blige/Ludacris (True)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "Radio" Music Soulchild

Drake Makes Me Cool

2009-04-01T09:53:00.004-04:00

Haha! My ex's teenage kid is hilarious. We have a great relationship that's totally outside of any contact that I might ever have with his Dad, which is now pretty much none. He calls me directly if he needs something from me, which is usually school work related. So I'm tutoring him and his other little delinquent friend on a project they have for an HVAC class. The whole time, they are being distracted by girls and they notice they aren't getting much play. Suddenly they realize that me sitting there with with no make-up, rocking sweats, a "Captain America" tee and girlish glow on my face from my earlier three mile run, could easily pass for their slightly older college age girlfriend. They get mad, and go in on me. "They probably think you're my girlfriend". "Dang you're like my mom, ewww" (I'm not even old enough to be this kid's mom, unless I had him at like 12). This goes on for the rest of the session and back to the car.

I plug in my IPOD and that Drake's "Successful" starts flowing-suddenly I'm cool again. <:) Gotta love the bridge gapping powers of music!

March Randoms

2009-03-30T20:30:00.004-04:00

It's almost over but let me dump my madness real fast!

The start of last week was crazy, emotionally, work, personal, a mess! But I made it through. The end of the week was wonderful. I had another incident with the car, but walked away from it only $132.00 out of pocket with a sleek black Nissan Altima rental with a fancy touch ignition starter for a week. That curbed (for now) my appetite for new car. I'm getting my Acura back this week, in better shape and probably looking brand new. Aint I blessed as I can be.....

I'm loving my new smart phone and even more LOVE not having to carry two phones around (I never used to answer my personal phone anyway). This is much better and makes so much more sense. Who am I P-Diddy?

I told my friend the other day that I don't feel like I'm doing anything great right now. He checked my mess at the door! My argument was that I bought a house, started my career path, bought a "nice car" and established myself all before 23 and now I'm like what's next? I think this is why I'm so unimpressed with a lot of stuff now. I think subconsciously I was preparing to be married and having children by now, you know, the next phase in my life. What a joke...I mean I even purposed to NOT bring (bad ) debt into my marriage and I made that happen! So where's my husband so I can upgrade him? LOL! But I'm doing my school thing and progressing, so that's doing a lot. I really need to put in more work with my non-proft. Registered it and all.

I can't wait for the Teedra Moses concert on Thursday!! I am in my party/fun mood again. I'm such a sun child.

I've been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends lately and I'm a better woman/friend for it. That's the cure for loneliness right there, great girlfriends and I have some good ones!

I keep hearing my boys say that there aren't many good men out here! WHAT!!??? Where are these chickens, gold diggers and low down women? Color me naive because I don't know of any and I never want to!

I am less than two weeks from Cali-forn-ia!! I can already feel the sand between my toes on the sun beaming down on my chocolate skin!! Yummy...

My (mostly) raw diet has really made my nails grow long and STRONG. That's putting a dent in that "need milk for calcium" theory. Did I mention I love hot yoga? I'm getting kind of tired of the "you're like a white girl" crap, but whatever, Ima do me! I love being me....

I Aint Booking No Man!

2009-03-18T14:37:00.005-04:00

I went to "The Park" in DC over the weekend with some of my girlfriends. It was a cool, diverse atmosphere and there were lots of men in the spot. I made eye contact with several and even had a brief conversation with two. Yet, no deal (contact details exchanged) was closed as a result of any of the encounters, what gives? I believe that I'm an attractive woman and I've never had a problem attracting men in the past. I know that it's a new millennium and women are encouraged to make the first move, show interest, blah, blah, blah but when you're talking about baselining (borrowed term from (SBM) or setting the precedence/tone for a potential relationship, booking (a back in the day DC slang) a man is huge a NO NO!! Maybe I’m just a bit old fashioned too? I’d cop to that.

In my humble opinion, men have become lazy from so many women offering their number, details, (a$$ on a platter) without provocation, and I can't stand to put myself out there like that. Here I am smiling, begin polite, modeling my best "non angry, approachable black woman stance, yet that's not enough anymore? To me baselining begins with the first encounter, especially for a woman. If I’m too forward, will he think I’m only interested in sex? Will he think I’m pressed?

I think that if I show more interest from the gate, that'll be the expectation that I set for the future. If I get his number, I’ll need to call him first, maybe even invite him out first? At what point would I be able to pass him the ball and fall back? It just doesn’t feel natural!

Any thoughts?

Rant Time!

2009-03-15T23:21:00.010-04:00

I hate my upstairs neighbor. I am officially sleepless in Bmore due to his incessant stomping all through the night! Not to mention it sounds like there is construction going on at the very top level of the house. Arghhhhhhhh!!!!!

Did I mention that I hate my upstairs neighbor? He does s***t like walk right past the mail [at the entrance that he has to pass] and not pick it up. When most of it is for him, the rest for the owner of the house. None for me.

I am looking forward to a great and productive work week. I have so much to do.

I am not very motivated right now, outside of work.

I am going to allow myself one more week of this foolishness [since it's my spring break], then I am going to get my act together STAT!!

I can't wait to go to Cali next month. I need a vaca.

This weekend was good. Totally unproductive [except completing one midterm] but good.

I really love my girlfriends.

They really loved their gifts from South Africa.

I really enjoy giving gifts and seeing that glow on folks faces. Maybe my calling is to be Santa Clause?

I'm in a silly, good mood. In spite of the undercurrent of slight depression, feeling rejected, and unmotivated. Life is good.

I really like blogging. I had a moment when I was rethinking this blogging thing (the same way I feel about most things in my life) but I realize that I love it. There are some good blogs out there.

Speaking of blogs, I decided to spice mine up a bit. I was tired of looking at all that pink. I hope you like it!

I spent most of my weekend looking at blogs, lol! I was such a slacker!! But hey what are weekends for?

I've realized that I know absolutely nothing about men. I don't understand them all, I just really, really like them. A lot.

I am getting a promotion at work, for which I had to write my own job description. How hot it that? I've actually built my entire career on identifying a need, a gap and stepping into a position [mostly that I created] to fill it. This is my most marketable asset and I didn't learn that in school. I'm not sure it can even be taught.

I'm feeling myself right now. I'm not motivated, feeling kinda lazy even, but I still love me. Did I just admit that I've been lazy? See what I mean. I feel so liberated now that I lost the need to appear perfect, put together, and so on point all the time.

There are some fine men folk in the DMV, Dayum!!!

"The Park" in DC

2009-03-15T20:38:00.010-04:00

I'm not a big club goer...party animal or chic in the know. I got people's for that and I just roll with them whenever the spirit or occasion moves me. But every once in a while I happen upon a venue that impresses me...well at least enough to desire an encore. The Park in DC is one of those places.

So my girls and I have a standing tradition that we celebrate every one's birthday together each year. All together that's 5 birthdays. So at a minimum we see each other 5 times a year. Not so bad considering that 3 are married with 2+ children a piece and the other has a man that consumes most of her free time. We get to see each other every month from December-March. After my birthday [June], husbands and BF's start pitching fits about folks "being out in the streets all the time" so we get to cool down until December then we can let the good time roll again! Men are so darn needy.

Back to the Park:

Good food-check
Nice atmosphere-check
Beautiful people-check
Nice man candy-check twice
Diverse crowd-check (as I get older I appreciate and expect this in a place in order to really impress me) I actually saw two of my [non black] colleagues in the place.
Good (again diverse) music-check (again very important as my personal collection features everything from Kanye West, Soldier Boy, to Soul Patrol, and The Fray...I need it all)

We had a cool time. I even felt that my outfit was appropriate and not wasted for once.

The only thing I hated (well 4 things I hated) were:

The intsy bitsy a$$ bathrooms..wtFrench? Maybe they ran out of money during construction.

The drive from Bmore to DC (gotta factor an hour at best, both ways), which really sucks! Why don't I ever remember to pack a bag and just crash with one of these chicks? Usually, I still get myself to church the next morning. Yeah I know...

The men who were fine as hay, kept looking, even started some conversation(s) but FAILED to close the deal! (More on that later)

The fact that we allowed one of my girls to drag us out of this beautiful Eden to a whack arse late 90's style cabaret foolery that one of her friends was throwing. Dropping all kinds of money on parking and cover for a party that we only stayed at for 20 minutes (only to not be completely rude to her friend that we all know as well) and half of that time was spent outside awaiting our cars from valet. Sigh...I was comforted by the fact that the proceeds when towards a good cause.

Other than that, it was a delightful time at The Park and it deserves an encore! Hanging with my favorite gals is also a pleasure no matter where we are.

Cleaning Out My Closet

2009-03-11T12:47:00.019-04:00

It looks like I might be here for a minute. But I'm not going to fight it. I've tried and that does not work for me. Ima just go with it, flow with it, and let things fade organically. I know it will because for me, love is forever, but being in love has to be nurtured.

There is a part of me that is still waiting on that moment, when you'll chase me down and say "let's take a chance together" it hurts that you won't, maybe it's just my pride, my bruised ego, just plain unrequited love? I'm not even going to sit and wish for a "maybe someday" because that's not living in the moment. That's holding on to something too intangible for a even a dreamer like myself. For now, here are my truths:

I am in love with you.
I miss you, me "us".
I miss our fun, interaction and chemistry.
I know that you love me. You are just not able/willing to love me the way I desire, require and deserve.
I don't miss feeling the pain I felt as soon as I would leave your side.
At times the pain would be present while we were together.
I've been told that love is not supposed to hurt so I need something better.
I made some choices so I take responsibility for them, and my subsequent actions.
I desire to be with you.
I think about you everyday.
Each day gets easier and it's okay to allow myself to get over you.
It does not mean that my love is not genuine.
You've touched the woman that I am today, the one that's evolved to the place I stand now. See I never got why this [love for you] hit me so hard, fast and refuses to go away, now I do.
I have learned a lot from you and about me through all of this.
I will never make this same mistake again.
I will really try and work hard not to.
I am strong.
I will be okay without indulging in my desire for you.
I will not let fear or loneliness make me weak.
I am not able to be your "friend" right now.
I will not apologize or feel petty for that.
That's just me being real honest.
I will never be mean/rude to you if I happen to see you though.
That is not my style and our relationship does not warrant that.
I will most likely smile at you, possibly even hug you.
I will be genuinely happy to see you. Because most of the time when I run into, I'm half hoping that I do.
I still picture us [together] in Accra, Kumasi, Maputo, Dar es Salaam, the Serengeti...the places we talked about.
I still plan to vist all these places. I must go on, and I will.

Today I feel like I was tested again. The hopeless romantic in me was screaming "it must be fate, we belong together after all". The real truth is probably more of that..a probability that I would and will continue to see you randomly. The gift and a curse?

I got angry and irritate that you seemed indifferent towards me, like you're already so over me and not missing me [you always have that smirk on your face like you're laughing at me] and I was unable to tell you softly how I felt, so I did what I do best, start some ish...that's the part I am sorry for. You don't deserve that.

I wish you well.

808's, Heartbreak, & Other Random Stuff

2009-03-10T11:38:00.011-04:00

I know this will sound like blasphemy to some, but I have never purchased a Kanye West album. I have heard all and appreciated most of his music, but never spent a dime on any until now.

I am in love with 808's & Heartbreak. My boy did a commentary about it when it first came out (yes I know I'm late) and he forewarned that one might only be able to appreciate it if you're "going through something". To me that sounded like it would depress me if I wasn't "going through something" so I refused to listen to it. Now I see why. The lyrics fuel my melancholy. Gives me a refuge for my feelings. Yes I have some feelings and I'm not afraid to say. I can listen to Kanye's pain and quietly sulk alone without feeling the need to act like I'm so over it. It's the soundtrack to my dark place.

I should have known that the first week was too good to be true. I was feeling all strong and powerful. Ha Ha!! It's like my mind played a cruel trick on my heart. That's me though. Always with a delayed reaction to things.

Why is it so wrong to just give in to being sad? Why is everything so black and white? Why do I feel afraid to admit that I am not alright? When will I be alright?

I wonder how many people walk around pretending to be alright when they are not? I can't fake it. I am in love and I am missing someone!

I'm being the kind of chic that others (even me) would call stupid and guess what? For the first time in my life, I really don't care. I don't feel motivated to move on when I'm not yet ready. I want to curse, I want to scream, I want to go off!! But I don't...I'm too busy being nice, strong, level headed, trying to be wise, me. TC once said "a wise woman, is a happy woman". I really want to beleive that. How long do I have to be wise before the happy kicks in TC?

Anyway. I love "Welcome to Heartbreak". Wow, those are powerful lyrics. Kanye really served me with these lyrics. I have done all the material things in life. I have the career, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, no bills, I can travel, and I have money saved in the bank. But what does that all mean? I am not impressed anymore. As a matter of fact I am not moved at all. What would make me happy is to hold someone, cradle a little baby in my arms, run barefoot in a field of grass, then fall over with laughter. Have a picnic at the top of a mountain. Visit a remote village in a far off land with my lover in tow.

I have new found respect for Kanye. My girl was in the car with me the other day when Love Lockdown was playing, I just zoned out. Almost forgot she was there. God bless her, she just let me have that moment. But didn't hesitate to call me weird once I snapped out of my trance. Oh well....

The other night I spent the night with one of my girls. I love her gentle spirit. She never pries and does not try to force a good time on me, when I'm clearly not there. This is why I love her. All she said was, "I think you are mourning the demise of the relationship. You never mourn. You just tuck your chin and move on. Maybe you should mourn and don't feel like you're weak because you do. You never mourned Ringo, at least not from what I could see". I only half listened then and am still letting that sink in. I mean I've already put up this I don't give a f front. How can I regress now? It was nice to be away from home though. For some reason I am happiest when I am away from home. How sad?

I still hate my upstairs neighbor. He does not allow me to have peace. He is loud and walks really hard. All I want is some peace and quiet. Why is that so elusive?

I am changing, wow! I can see the changes in me. Some are good some are, not so good. I don't care as much about things that I should care about. I'm not really feeling school. DID I JUST SAY THAT!!!?? OMG...but it's true. Will I finish? Of course because that's the right thing to do. But my heart's not there. I wonder if it ever was. Before I was fueled by competition. I had to be the first, the best, I wanted to impress everyone, needed straight A's, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't care. It's a freedom in not caring. Caring comes with responsibility. LOL! There is one place and one person that gave me a pass to not care. He understood me. Now I see what that means and how bad it sounds to say out loud. I am tried of competing with myself and I don't believe in competing with others. When we strip away all the BS (money, accolades, credentials, looking like you are somebody) why do we really do the things we do? This is why I respect the starving artist or the musicians that stay true to their craft even when their genre or style is not the money maker. It takes a lot. There are so many people high on life, getting what they want, feeling accomplished, settling in comfortably around me. I am happy for them. When I look back that's always been my motivation, that others around me are happy. I've always done what I do for others. I'm just not sure I care about the physical manifestation of happy anymore. I don't want to owe anyone anything and I want perfect health. For no obvious reason, I suddenly have not had a menstrual cycle in going on 3 months. So now my perfect health is in jeopardy?

I only desire to be intrinsically happy, be debt free and have perfect health. How that translates outwardly, I don't care. I can't believe that I just admitted that I don't care. (((Shrugs)))

Maybe I need to seek professional help. Talk to someone about my feelings. I never thought I'd feel like this, so blazay. I am not supposed to feel like this. I'm a Christian. I have Jesus in my heart. I am not joking. I must be doing something wrong.

I keep on going though. I went to church Sunday and just sat there in a daze, in a fog. I did not get into it. I did not get excited and I only clapped genuinely when that young girl gave her life to the Lord. That made my heart smile. Otherwise I felt like I was letting God down because I would not press pass my blah to worship him fully. I hope he can forgive me. At least I went, and I looked pretty and smiled a lot as usual. I prayed silently. He knows how to fix me and I believe He will, if He thinks I need to be fixed.

Emotions

2009-03-04T12:29:00.007-05:00

They're like drugs, emotions. And like drugs, can be overcome. Also like a drug, once addicted, the potential for relapse is always looming, like a dark cloud, threatening a sudden burst of storms. What separates the women, from the little girls, the wise from the foolish, is the ability to control ones emotions and make decisions in spite of them, to spite them even. This is how you grow. I've given in to my emotions more often than not and to my own emotional detriment. How ironic.

Today I'm being threatened by a sudden cloud burst, I'm about to get soaked if I'm not careful. I need to run for cover. That little voice is whispering in my ear, "there's a chance that things could change". That vision of him coming around and saying, "I've had an epiphany a revelation even, and you're my love, you're my everything"...[that smile, that face...ahhh] is fresh and sudden like Monday morning's snow storm in my head...I wish he would come and fix this, make it all better, make me feel nice. BUT Alas, he won't. I wish I could be more like some other women I know, like TC or Bunz..when it comes to this love thing. I'm not strong. At least I don't feel strong. I talk a lot of $hhhh, but can I back it up? I feel the weakness creeping in. God help your daughter.

I WILL FOCUS on something else. I'm only writing this because sometimes you've got to help yourself by putting things in black and white, put them in perspective. I admit. I am struggling today. I struggled yesterday. I felt it coming on Monday. But If I'd made these hard choices sooner, I would not be here today. They're here and they are raw but I am the sum of my choices and NOT my emotions.

Guilty Pleasure/Embarrassing Moment

2009-03-03T08:44:00.010-05:00

Harlem Heights

One of my guilty pleasures (guilty in that I watch them when I should be sleeping or doing something more constructive) is watching certain fashion focused reality shows. I was enamored with the Hills and have been getting into The City. I think that i watch the City more for the fine vanilla man candy that appears on the show each week. Yummy!! So in that vein, I decided to catch the BET premiere of Harlem Heights, aside from the caramel and chocolate (male) eye candy found on that...hated it. It's obvious that most reality programming is becoming more and more scripted, but Harlen Heights takes the cake. The bourgeoisie attitude of many of some of the cast members is also blatantly scripted and oh so lame. One woman actually lamented that she "did not look like the average black girl growing up", she had "long hair down her back" blah, blah blah. I guess I'm getting too old for this kind of fakeness. I think the show would be more interesting with more "average" black girls on there and not these Harlem implants. I've been to Harlem and I know folks from/in Harlem, and none possess this attitude. I want to support this show, but man! Some of the guys seemed cool/down to earth though, which makes me wonder if the women are being portrayed this catty and cosmetic on purpose-a theory that further annoys me and makes me not want to support this show. Ugh!!!

Girl, Control your Man

I took an early (6am) Pilate's class this morning. At 7, I went to take a quick shower and prepare for work. There are two ladies who are usually in the ladies shower area at this time everyday. They were there today. Usually I'm coming in at 7 to work out. So I guess my presence in the shower room went unnoticed. As I'm peeling out of my work out gear, I suddenly hear a man's voice, wrongfully close to the women's shower room, "baby come tell me how these shoes look with this" I'm thinking wtfrench and hurry to find my towel to wrap around myself as the man's voice gets closer and closer to the ladies locker woman, "baby, look at this". My mind is racing, "OhMyJesus, is he coming back here?" "I KNOW he aint crazy enough to come back here in the women's shower area"!!!! And before I can reason with myself any further OR wrap my towel around my naked body , there he is, in the women's locker area, looking at me in the buff. I was caught like a deer in the headlights and his 'lady' runs around to shoo him away. I'm speechless. "He's used to just the two of us being back here", his lady offers as an explanation. I'm thinking "the two of who"? "You and your girlfriend"? "So it's okay for your man to see your girlfriend's naked a$$"? Nope, sorry, not good enough. This is a public gym and he has no business beyond the threshold of this locker room, even if it were just you back here. Needless to say I was so traumatized that I showered, then lotion AND dressed in the sauna, the only place I felt safe. I want to report this incident, for the purpose of calling attention to the lax tone that the gym has taken lately. Clearly if the front desk attendant was on point, this little incident could have been prevented. All I could say to the woman, after my initial shock was "Oh wow, that's so unacceptable".

The Look of Love

2009-03-01T18:53:00.005-05:00

The look of love is in your eyes
A look your smile can't disguise
The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away

-Diana Krall

He make me feel at ease. And I don't have to fight for it.
He adds to my peace, doesn't extract from it with his actions or omissions.
He does not require variety, he find what he needs in me.
There's no competition, no clamoring for attention on my part because I'm the best thing he sees.
He's sensitive yet strong, honest without being obnoxious. He's God fearing, he's well draped in his own style. He fits comfortably in his own skin. He's perfect for me and I for him.

The feel of love is in his arms, the taste of love is in his kiss, the smell of love is in his aura. The look of love is you.

Random Things I Love

2009-02-26T12:50:00.012-05:00

Yoga is my new best friend...namaste

The sophistication of these swimsuites. I need to cop one for my upcoming trips.

This is the best face scrub EVER, thorough yet gentle.

Love it, HATE the price tag.

Raw Food eating...it's changing my life.

He Stood Me Up

2009-02-25T21:55:00.003-05:00

Sigh...I really was going to let this one go, just float away in the air, become a distant memory. But then he called me today and added insult to injury so I have to put it on blast.

This past weekend I was oh so content simply staying in my apartment, reading, doing my school work, minding my business. He calls around 1:00 in the afternoon to ask if I'd like go out later. I was a bit reluctant at first but said what the hay...let me get out of these sweats and live a little. The agreement was that he'd pick me up around 7 and we'd go have dinner at a place of my choosing. I doll up. He never calls, answers my calls OR SHOWS. I call it a wash at 8:00 but still head out, dolo to my favorite spot for a bite. Why waste a cute outfit and a well beaten face right?

Fast forward to today. He's now become a part of black history, especially since he refused to answer my subsequent Sunday calls. Clearly I was seeking some sort of explanation and also a tad concerned. By Monday I'm over it, like contact details deleted from my phone book over it. Too harsh? LOL! Anyway, he calls, I miss it as I'm out for a late evening jog. I return to his plea copping on my voicemail (with no clear explanation, just an "I"m sorry, hit me back") and I decide to put the poor lad out of his misery...The conversation did not go as expected.

Him: "Hey lady, my bad for the other night...(after a slight hesitation) something came up".
Me: "Oh okay (in my head I'm negotiating whether to probe further. I decide to go for the gusto) so...do elaborate, what came up"?
Him: "Huh"?
Me: "What came up that caused you to stand me up"?
Him: "I don't care to get into all that" I was just tied up"
Me: Thinking (WTF?? oh I know what "tied up" means)
Me: "So you stood me up, and never called me until 4 days later and to you "something came up" is a good enough explanation"? "I really don't agree".
Him: "Well it's not like you're my girl..so I don't owe you an explanation".
Me: DONE!! I close the conversation by saying that it's unfortunate that he feels that way and I had to go because something came up.

He's a lucky man. He caught me on a good week and on the heels of a run. I'm in a good mood so I went easy on him but oh he should NEVER call my phone again and I think he's smart enough to know that. I would love to know if I was wrong or somehow out of bounds? I know I'm not the most seasoned dater but c'mon! Since when do I have to be someones girlfriend to be afforded some common courtesy? I didn't gather from his tone that someone died or there was some horrible accident that occurred to him or a loved one. So I really have no choice but to assume that he got a call from a sure shot and chose to go beat that instead of conversing with me over dinner AND have to pay! LOL. I love men, they make me laugh.

This exchange made me realize that I've been spoiled recently. So when I was younger (like 18) my ex pulled that "no call, no show" mess at the start of our relationship. Years later I asked why he would do that, why not call and say "gotta cancel". His response was that he knew he'd get his tail handed to him and he didn't want to hear it. But hopefully by the time we'd speak again I'd be over it. Dumb strategy then, even dumber now. Back then I actually thought that was just something boys did cause my first love at 16 also did that.

I recently went out to the theatre with a friend. We went over our plans on Thursday for the date on Sunday. I never spoke to him again between Thursday and Sunday. On Sunday afternoon, he showed up at my home as discussed, and even waited on me to finish getting ready. It NEVER dawned on my that I needed to reconfirm our plans. I mean we're adults and he's never gone against his word to me. I'm so not planning to go backwards. It's just not my thing to be blowing up someones phone, making sure we're still on. Who the heck has time for that? The odd thing is that this was not a first "date"--we had cool convo over a tea recently and I thought he had his mind right. Oh well, "I guess he's just not that into me". Whatever! LOL<:)!

Stumbling Towards Ecstasy

2009-02-23T18:23:00.001-05:00

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is edifying (beneficial). "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything".

-1 Corinthians 6:12

I need PEACE, something I can hold on to..my spirit feels despondent and listless.
I'm searching for security, that's not found in monetary cushions or in the arms of a lover. No earthly comfort can bring it.
I need more of you Lord and I'm finally beginning to understand this.
I am not ashamed to say I need you Father. I have fallen at times and my walk is not always straight, but I am trying and I'm on my way.
I am stumbling towards an ecstasy..that only you can give me.

That about sums it up for me, where I am in this life journey. Believers and non alike can probably relate, that some things in life just aren't conducive to our edification. We live a lives of excess, and for me, this leads to complication, unnecessary complication. I'm about to simplify mine; less is more, less "stuff" equals more time for what's important, what's sacred.

To me that's the true example of Jesus Christ. He was simple, he was humble, he took care of what he had and his is the example I choose to follow. See there? No Hell, fire and brim stones, no Bible brow beating, no condemnation, just simply following the example of the most well known man that ever graced this earth. He was hated by some but loved by many. He kept little but gave a lot, he gave of himself. He spent his life doing the important work.

Lesson 1: God is Love, pure and simple.

I Like this Quote

2009-02-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

“Growth demands
a temporary
surrender of
security.”

~ Gail Sheehy

Simple Prayer

2009-02-18T14:31:00.001-05:00

Dear Lord,

I NEED YOU NOW.

My African Romance

2009-01-28T18:48:00.011-05:00

Okay that title is a tad dramatic but, in case you missed it, I was recently in South Africa again for the third glorious time, sigh...gosh how I love that place. Maybe it's the warmth of the sun against my flesh or just being in another element that stirs my soul to life. I can really feel the difference in me when I am on the continent. I'm happy and open, much more so than I am here in the states. There's no baggage and the world is my playground...

This time I went on a pretty remarkable date<:) Even more remarkable when you consider the last date I've been on here in the states, lol! I never spoke of him in my blog before, as a matter of fact I barely spoke of him at all because there wasn't anything to say other than; we met on a flight from Capetown to Johannesburg during my last trip to SA, we shared an engaging conversation that left both of us wanting to know more, so we exchanged cards. He waited with me in Johannesburg for my connection flight to America and he carried on with his business. We stayed in touch via email and I never even planned to see him when I went back. But something said "call him" once I touched down in SA and I did! Usually I would fight such an urge and rationalize it away. "What's the point in starting something with a man that lives on another continent"? "Here you go pursuing another unavailable man, this time geographically" LOL! Okay so my thought process is pretty vivid.

So I called him...he was delighted to hear from me and invited me to dinner. He drove an hour to come and collect me for dinner. I dressed up, so did he. He was the perfect gentleman and I felt like a princess the entire night. He pulled out all the stops and we shared the most amazing conversation that I've had in a while.

I sent a little note with a photo to my girls and the responses were priceless. One was shocked that I went on a date with "some random man in Africa" and had the nerve to take a photo with him in which we appeared together as some happy glowing, in love couple. Surely this is no love story in the making (the enormous body of water between us makes that clear) but I did enjoy myself and I still smile quietly whenever I recall the firm yet tender placement of his hand against the small of my back, the way he kissed my cheek like he's known me for years, (sidebar: I can't believe I even allowed him to touch me or kiss me on the cheek!) how perfect and breezy that African night was, the quaint little garden where we dined...his desire to have a traditional African family, the fact that I'm still thinking about him...

It was a good night while it lasted.

Dreams of My President

2009-01-28T18:38:00.004-05:00

I've been having the same recurring dream about President Obama. In my dream he is speaking as President (not President-elect) at a church service at which I'm in attendance. While he speaks (or attempts to) people are falling all over themselves to get near him, touch him, breathe him; while I sit darn near in his lap completely unfazed by his presence. I've attempted to psychoanalyze myself and I've got nothing.

I, like so many other Americans are totally enamored with this man and would love and fully embrace an opportunity to speak to him, not just be near him, yet in my dream I can't be bothered by him at all, lol! The only thing that I can remotely come up with as a subconscious source of this dream is the fact that I completely loathe the idea of deifying a human being and I think that some of the adoration for President Obama has crossed over to this realm...me no like that. But I likes me some him and not at all in some physical attraction sort of way, although he's easy on the eyes. I think he's smart, thoughtful, engaging, worthy and all those fuzzy adjectives. Maybe I sub consciously lust for President Obama? Lawd help me, but after 3 nights of the same dream I need answers, stat!

We Popped Champagne, For Barack's Campaign!!

2009-01-20T16:25:00.005-05:00

So tonight we popped bottles and celebrated OBAMA!!! Wow! So it feels so good to be enjoying this from the land of our heritage!! Like okay, this will be MYstory, I "celebrated this unique moment in Africa"! I would have been on that mall, (shout out to my sweet pea for calling me to let me hear the action live, you are the best babe) but to be here in AFRICA oh my...that pinotage was flowing and I am glowing. I just got loose and celebrated and smiled and laughed and enjoyed the moment. Could it have been better? If only my favorite people in the world were here with me. I am so lucky and so blessed and I'm on a high. The party don't stop!! I'm on my party and BS until I get on the plane to head back to the states....then I gotta put my serious face back on, LOL.

I have a date this week too....Why I gotta come all the way to South Africa to get one of those?, but the mens be loving all this chocolate here in the motherland..all color mens by the way and I aint mad about it. <:)

GOBAMA!!

Homesick

2009-01-19T09:17:00.003-05:00

I'm just gonna say this...

Travelers who put their homesickness behind them, who explore a place thoroughly, may find upon returning home that they experience a new kind of homesickness, a benign kind, that which comes only to those who travel with a curious blend of aplomb and naivete, that special thing that only small children seem to possess and navigate through so well. They experience homesickness for a place once visited, even if only briefly -- the sense that only at the top of Table Mountain, in the villages of Togo, laying on the beaches of Ghana, exploring the markets of Marrakesh or in the coffee shops of Amsterdam (LOL), did some deep and very real part of their soul feel completely and exhilaratingly at home.

And if by chance they're so fortune to travel to these places again, even for a short time, come to find that this is the place they've been longing to be. They take care to cherish and savor every moment, for rarely in life do we experience this kind exhilaration more than once.

And So It Is

2008-12-31T08:46:00.005-05:00

In 2008, I loved, I lived, I cried, I laughed, I gave, I learned, I created, I changed.

I could go on forever but I won't bore you with the details. I can only say that this year has been a year of transition for me. I experienced a lot that has redefined the woman that is me. I am better I am wiser and stronger all because of:

The maternal grandmother who proclaimed that she could now (at 93)"die in peace" having seen her first born daughter's only child again.

The family that loved me so much even without knowing me and teaching me the lesson that love is not always something I have to WORK so hard for.

The young girls that I met that are transitioning from foster care who reminded me of my purpose and letting me know that my idea is not stupid but is very viable and necessary.

The job that forced me to redefine myself once again and taught me that despite the angst that comes with change and re-proving; it's necessary to remain resilient and be a maverick in order to compete.

The people that I met in Ghana and South Africa who opened my eyes to the reality of the world outside of the US and opened my heart to the possibility of being somewhere other than here.

The friends that reminded me of my strength, brilliance and worth, when my heart was breaking, my confidence was weakened, and my poise was shaken.

The God who kept me safe, strong, protected, provided for, wealthy, healthy, wise and loved every step of the way.

Not sure what 09 has for me and I don't care to plan every moment of it. I have some goals of course (I hate the notion of a resolution, what in life is resolute?) but I'm going in completely open, because if I've learned nothing else in 08, I've learned to be generous with myself in regards to giving in to the possibility, even if it means I fail, or things don't go my way. In 08, without knowing, I've done that. I was less uptight, I was like a baby, unafraid to explore the potential in everything that was presented to me. They said go to Africa and I said yes and figured out the details afterwards. I'm glad I did. I said yes to moving out of my comfort zone into a new city. I said yes to love even when it was not presented in the way I'd want my love wrapped up. I said yes to sharing my resources when my natural instinct is to be cheap and save every penny, lol...out of fear of being poor. I said yes to new challenges at work, school, my ministry, my relationships, and I am a better woman for it. I feel light and ready for whatever comes. I have some hopes for the next year but mostly I am saying yes to whatever 09 brings. Heck, why not?

Holiday Love

2008-12-16T14:50:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm always playing Santa's "helper" to my girlfriends men when it comes to gift giving. Usually they just want good ideas since I know these ladies so well , but usually their approach is kind of generic or obligatory...almost like "I'm asking because I know I HAVE to get something and I don't want to mess up"...not this guy, he really want to see my girl happy and pleased. He was already seeing Tiffany blue, but just wanted some further direction and I happily obliged. I am so ELATED that she's found someone genuine and good to her who wants to make her happy, WOW!!! Just warms my cold heart. J/K!

From my girl’s man….

"Thank you P. The earrings I think are back ordered so I might have to get them after they get them back in the store. I'll probably pick up the necklace tonight. Thanks for the additional ideas. I knew you would know.

I just want to make her happy. I'm feeling her a whole lot. I hope she feels the same. It would kinda suck if she didn't :-\ LOL"

Aint he a doll??!! Gotta love LOVE.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

The Home Stretch

2008-12-09T08:31:00.004-05:00

Right now I'm back in PA for work (doing some IT PR), which has been totally the opposite of boring lately. Ask you and shall receive...

I'm prepping for final exams, finalizing projects and darn near ready to pull my locks out. I just have a few more weeks to grind it out then I can shut it down from the 22nd until the New Year. I can't wait until it's over so I can relax with my girls in Florida. But it's cool, I've got this!!! Friday night I'm going to the company holiday party. I plan to have a blast and dazzle them with my dancing skills, plus they OWE me a drink...or two!

Be right back...

Arrggghhhhhh!!!! Fender Bender

2008-12-02T09:28:00.003-05:00

I got up this morning feeling so, so...mostly wanted to stay in bed. But I had a conference call with South Africa that I had to join at 5:30am. I really wanted to get on the train but after all the chatting, about the same old business, I realized that I'd missed all the trains leaving during the 6:00am hour...so I tried for the 7:07, realized that I was missing that one as I drove to the station. I could’ve made the 7:22, but no parking was left available for me...so I give in to driving. I'm going along my merry little way, when suddenly BAM!!! She rear ends my car. It took me a moment to realize that I'd been hit. THANK GOD everyone is ok and it's not my fault so I just need to deal with her insurance company. We both filed claims right there on the spot, no sore necks or attitudes. I've only been in one car accident and that was almost 10 years ago...AGAIN THANK GOD, all bodies are in tact...the body of my car, is another story. It wasn’t until I got to work that I realized that my bumper is falling off. I'm slightly irritated (thinking of having to take time off work with all that I have going on) but I'm grateful. I have to just handle my business. I just pray that there're no unnecessary hassles in this process. God is good, all the time!!

Have a great day.

Lonely's Company

2008-12-01T22:59:00.015-05:00

I try to be patient, but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home
Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely --Beyonce

It hits me like a wind gust every evening as I leave my office
Once my day is complete and it's time to tuck the power player away, and put the business woman on the shelf, I head out the door, and the moment I exit...he's waiting there, to greet me into the cold.

As I drive along the highway, listening to radio tunes (half drowned out by my own thoughts), he's the constant passenger in my ride...Once I finally make it to the house, insert the key into the lock and enter my door, he welcomes me there too, like an unwanted intruder, that's made himself at home.

As I jog, as I write, as I shop, even as I sit in my classes, trying to remain engaged...lonely is my constant companion and my faithful friend....I am tired of lonely, I've been trying to fight this feeling he brings...but the harder I fight the easier I succumb, the longer I resist, the more he persists, he refuses to disappear.

I've tried to convince myself that I'm better than this. But who am I to believe I'm exempt from this place of neediness? How self righteous of me to pretend that I'm above this...constant nagging of "why am I still single"?..."why have I not been chosen yet"? "When will it be me"? Yeah I'm feeling it and I'm finally ready to admit...I'm scared of lonely.

Do I love my family, of course! Do I adore my girlfriends, heck yes! But there's something about this void, that can't be filled entirely by them. Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin could only temporarily comfort me...and even as I shopped, I was trapped in my thoughts; "it would be so nice to wear these on a date with my boo"...how sad, huh? Yeah, it’s almost laughable.

The last thing I wanted to do after that horrendous ride on the Amtrak , was to come home and be...alone...I closed my eyes and dreamt of escaping the cold right into his arms and curling myself into a tight little ball next to him and just breathing him in...letting the cold, frustration and weariness melt away.

But that's simply not my reality..so each day I shake myself off, put lonely in his place and do what I need to do. All along I think and think and think....and I realize that my safest refuge from lonely is being alone...to ponder and dream, and fantasize about him. I've created a world where lonely is not so scary after all...in my thoughts.

Happy non Turkey Day!

2008-11-27T17:56:00.004-05:00

I'm writing this from Rocky Mount, NC. I am so not a country girl, but there is a peace and solace that I find here. This is an opportunity to sleep and relax and enjoy my fam. My God Mother is threatening my plans to lay low with shopping trip to Raleigh...at (gasp) 5:00am!! No thanks, I'll pass, ok maybe not pass, just go a little later than 5:am, LOL. I need these two days of R&R like I need my next breath, Life has been hectic, work has been busy on steroids and I still have the crack berry queued up, awaiting some updates from IT over the weekend..

During my ride here (on Amtrak) I was reminded of some of the BS that some men offer up for sale at every turn. My morning started off with a rude awakening from my neighbor upstairs (sigh...trying not to be a diva) then quickly turned beautiful, blissful even, and I was ready to ride that wave all the way to North Cakalak...until some goon comes up to me and tries to help himself to a swig of my hot chocolate as his ice breaker into my cipher..why do people just lie? First you said you don't drink, then you proceed to down two Heinekens and the Vodka that you brought on the train with you and I'm supposed to believe you don't have a drinking problem? Okay player...You have "mad drunk who gets high and angry..even violent" written all over you buddy...nah, I'm not single, “I have a friend”. Sorry I had to feed you that little white lie, but I had to escape, fast. Anyway Happy Thanksgiving or non Turkey Day for us vegetarians....

Life in Charm City

2008-11-13T21:58:00.010-05:00

Baltimore really is a great city. I had all the proper ammunition to hate it (can you say the The Wire?), but honesty, I love it...okay I'm liking it a whole, whole lot and it's quickly turning into a love thing. There's something in the way the lights reflect off the cityscape as I emerge over the bridge at night that's just magical. I walk around with a lingering sense of real possibility and potential here. Tonight I even had one of "Baltimore's Finest" assist me in picking out wine. A wine connoisseur posing as a police officer? I love it! I must confess, I'm charmed.....

The apartment lifestyle is taking some getting used to. I traded in my cozy nest in the woods for the city life, and the crickets “cricking” for the loud thumping of my upstairs neighbor’s walk. I understand that it’s part of the scene but I haven't been so keenly aware of another person's presence in so long that it was a bit disconcerting at first. I was even chastised for being a "diva" about it so I've decided to adjust my attitude. CLEARLY I could do without the “Thong Song” house mix above my head at 7 in the morning, but I’m trying to be neighborly.

I’ve not had that many visitors but the ones that have graced me with their presence have been pleasant surprises and helped to create an atmosphere of love and warmth in my new space. There’s nothing like having the aura of those you cherish around to cozy up a place. I can’t think of a better housewarming present.

Work has been crazy..Even as I type this I'm borrowing time from some work that I brought home to complete. I went from a teasing sprinkle of work to a deluge (to borrow from my girl Seriously) in the blink of an eye. It’s brought new meaning to “ask and you shall receive”. I went from half bored to crazied…I know, I’m just making up the words as I go along…. The interesting and some might argue crazy part is that I love it! This is my element! The back to back conference calls, meetings, the added responsibilities all contribute to a sense of purpose (not as in my job is my purpose in life), productivity, and accomplishment on the job that's literally a high for me . I feel powerful and in control. Of course one of my "matter of fact" style friends says that I'm merely over compensating for a lack of a personal life. Whatever…

Speaking of which, the other day I checked out Towson Town Center (lovely place) then ordered take out from my favorite restaurant in the whole world. As I waited for the food I declared to myself that I would "be more open to dating again" and "put myself in a position to meet men"....only to shy away from the first man who approached me...lol. I'm just not ready. I want to hold out for something real, someone who's worthy of me. A suitor that’s husband material. A man that makes me want to swagger jag him. I've never been the type of girl that just goes out with random men. I honestly don’t care to juggle or entertain men that don't captivate my imagination of a happy brown family. I'm done with wasting time.

The holiday season is upon us and for me that means, traveling and stepping into the party life. I’m looking forward to both and plan to enjoy my time here in Charm City. Now back to my regularly scheduled program, Excel functions!! Yaayy!!!..not.

My Thoughts on Obama....

2008-11-06T20:52:00.029-05:00

1. Since his emergence and especially after he captured the Democratic nomination, I never once doubted that Barack Obama would become our next President, never. Not even with all the ploys of the GOP, I just knew it and my spirit would not waver.

2. I'm cautious not to deify Obama or any man for that matter, but I just felt that this was divine, in that it was time, a natural progression even. I can't honestly say that I never thought I'd see a black President or even a woman President in my lifetime, especially since I have a lot of life yet to live...but then again I have been known to be very idealistic and hopelessly optimistic. In my mind ANYTHING is/has always been possible. I'm glad that it's happening sooner than later though. And I'm ecstatic that this can raise the black man's (global) morale, and give the babies an alternate role model. However, we see him, it will behoove all of us to recognize and understand that after the brief honeymoon, the real work begins and it's not always going to be roses, high fiving and bottle popping.

3. My favorite part of Barack Obama's ascension is the way it's energized the entire world, especially since the face of the globe overwhelmingly resembles his. I love it, I wish I was in Africa right now to celebrate this with them.

4. The newspaper shortage in the DC area (and other major cities) is one of the most curious things I've ever witnessed. Even more curious is the fact that newspapers were in abundance when I arrived in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania very late on Tuesday night and even into Wednesday morning..LOL! I tried to collect as many as my bag could carry.

5. I heard a guest on Bill O'Reily's show say today that "Obama caused gay people in California their right to marry" because so many black people came out to vote for him yet voted against gay marriage in California. He adds (paraphrased) that "Black people are liberal and want social programs but are culturally conservative when it comes to socially progressive issues". Wow! My question about this statement is this: If 2 out 3 voters under 30 (black, white et al) voted for Obama, does that mean that the majority of black voters over 30 in California are opposed to gay marriage? ....Clearly black people are not the only voters that affected this outcome. They finally admitted that Hispanics also opposed it by a small margin and whites voters approved it only by a small margin. I just hated the way they tried to put that on Obama. I watch this man's show with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers. What a train wreck!

6. Everyone already knows how I feel about ...Michelle Obama

7. Seeing this gorgeous first family makes me want to run out, become the wife of somebody worthy and make some beautiful brown babies.

8. To me, the highlight of Obama's message is the call for personal responsibility. At the end of the day, this will make all the difference.

9. One more thing about Barack Obama, there are still a lot of people in this country that are very unhappy about his election. It's difficult for some people to even say the words "President elect" and "Obama" and unfortunately these people are not going to let their disdain go easily....along with praying for Obama, please say a few for the hearts of his haters.

Love Exposed

2008-11-01T17:11:00.003-04:00

Why is it that love, like dope gets you high
Then leaves you graveling with withdrawal pains in the loneliness of the night

How is that love makes you blind to the truth,
Ignoring all the signs and omens that are right in front of you

What gives us the audacity to believe that we could be one of love’s chosen few, only to realize that love is never even about you

How can love become so twisted
Like an illusion that never really existed

What makes the heart believe in something that it can’t control, yet tries to hold when it’s time to let go

Where can you hide when love is seeking you
How do you cope when it leaves

The complexities of love are only a match for its mysteries.
It eludes the smartest of us yet convinces us that it’s something we need.

Its allure draws you in and compels you to hold on, even though your heart can’t take the pain anymore.

Simply put, love is a situation so deep that it defies good reason.
It holds you captive yet sets you free.

It’s never perfect and you can’t always keep it together.
But once you’ve loved, love is always forever.

-PBA

Honest Blogger Award

2008-10-29T09:56:00.007-04:00

I know I'm late but I was nominated for the "honest blogger award" by (TC Golden) and per the rules I must select 7 other folks that I believe are deserving of this award. Alright, ok...here we go!

When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional). List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

The first part is too easy! I don't have many blogs that I read often or even care to. For me it's quality over quantity. But these as well as everyone else linked on my blog speak to me in some special way...

1. Seriously?...I mean have you ever known someone that always seems to have the words to articulate exactly what you're thinking or feeling? Well that's Seriously? And she happens to be a phenomenal writer, keeps it real and does it with such finesse. I wish she could be my personal spokesperson.

2. WTF Metro...This blog is pretty much about the Washington Metropolitan Metro system but the way it's presented is brilliantly humorous. Who knew there could be so much content about one subject. I'm always laughing and nodding as I read it though!

3. Ms. Confessions..Aside from TC, one of the first blogs I ever really read and I found myself so impressed with her "it is what it is" honesty! I'm still enjoy reading her evolution.

4. Eb the Celeb...I'm sure she's received this award a million times but this post pretty much did it for me. I was like WOW, she put it right out there and I can totally relate. I don't even know her and she feels like a home girl.

5. Of course my home girl TC. I read her blog the first time I was on travel in South Africa, lonely as hell. Her blog helped me through and inspired me to dust off my own blog and start writing.

6. J.A.C...She speaks my language too and just as I'm thinking "it's just me", I read her thoughts and realize that it's not. I'm so glad that people are willing to be honest. Not to mention, her writing style is so romantic. It's so flowy and organic.

7. All-Mi-T...Dude is a genius, straight up!

Now the fun part! List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

1. I feel more lonely than usual right now, the cooler weather is sparking nostalgia for me like crazy. I can't seem to get the image of snuggling next to the fireplace with someone special out of my head.

2. My favorite sitcom of all time is Golden Girls. If that were me and my friends, I'd totally be Sophia.

3. I wish I could start this entire semester over, the instability in my life has affected my focus and hence...my grades thus far. I know it's not too late though...

4. As sweet and kind as I am, I can be as mean as a junkyard dog sometimes and my temper leaves something to be desired.

5. I've always wanted an a$$ like Serena Williams. I mean just look at it! It's not just sizable, it's also strong, toned and athletic. It's powerful.

6. I have a fetish for sequins. Such an 80's baby and an over tanned, botox filled, white Boca Raton socialite at heart.

7. If I had to choose between career success, wealth and power or being a wife and mother, I'd choose the former, especially since the ladder seems further out of my reach and control. To me, a woman almost always has to choose anyway...

8. I think about being in a relationship and having someone special in my life more than I care to admit. Yes I handle my business and manage without it, but the thought is always at the back of my mind. "When will it be me"?

9. I have a new obsession with Red Snapper and I spent two hours online the other day looking at Red Snapper recipes, when I should have been doing schoolwork.

10. Sometimes I really hate my job; not because the money is funny or the boss is overbearing but because of the politics...I know everyone corporate setting has them but geesh...I just want to do my job already. Unfortunately, due to my highly competitive nature I find myself caught up in the mayhem anyway. It's a struggle to focus on my purpose.

Divine Encouragement

2008-10-24T15:32:00.004-04:00

Though not my words, this poem puts it all back in perspective. My mantra: Change presents opportunity. He knows exactly what He's doing.

My Journey

Moving to the beat of my universal drummer
I surrendered to my preordained path

Prayer and fasting ushered me to the consciousness
That conformity and assimilation attempted to suffocate

Service is the vehicle for my journey
Faith is my constant companion

Free will, my mightiest contender
Free will, my saving grace

Lessons from the darkness celebrated
In anticipation of spreading the light

Humbled for the opportunity
To let go and to take flight

-Belya Adero

Young Love

2008-10-21T00:51:00.022-04:00

Ahhh....the beauty of young love. The way it can make you feel vulnerable yet secure at the same time. You know, the kind that you dive head first into, toting your heart on your sleeve, giving of yourself with reckless abandon, living in the moment...every moment. That's the kind of love I want, again. I want that makes you fall hard and is tough to get over if you don't win, might leave you bruised and broken, even make you cry but I'd take the fall again kind of love. Some say you can only have one, I disagree, I think that this captivating, rapturous kind of love, can be had over and over again. The hard part is allowing it to happen, especially if you've ever loved and lost. Recently I've witnessed this organic kind of love, that "just happens" and it makes my heart smile. It's interesting that as soon as we try to cozy into some "I don't even want it anymore" place, things happen to melt that iciness right away.

I happened to be watching "Making the Band" randomly and they were airing an episode where Dawn from DK and Q from D26 have to be separated for tour reasons. My how it wrenched their poor little hearts to have to be apart, especially Q. I giggled and swooned at the way he referred to her as "my girl". I loved it...then I happened to see a video on FB made by an old high school friend who recently got married. The video (well actually audio) was of his proposal to his wife. They are both 27 now, 25 then. His wife's reaction to his proposal was priceless. Wow! She cried, I mean snotting up, loud, like something tragic happened, ugly sobbing...but they were tears of joy. They were the tears of a woman who was being proposed to by her King, the one she'd dreamed of, the one she wanted to marry, knew they would one day but was still shocked and ecstatic at his proposal. She was marrying her "one", not "Mr. Good Enough" or "Mr He'll do let me hurry up and make some babies cause I'm going on 30" or "Mr. He Needs to Marry Me Since We've been together X amount of years", nah...this was her "Mr. Just My Size" "Mr. Makes My Heartbeat" "Mr. Can't Be Without Him" "Mr. Still"....asking for her hand in marriage. Oh you just don't know what this does to me. I don't necessarily believe in the "One" since I've loved deeply on more than one occasion. I believe that love is whatever you allow it to be and can take you however far you're willing to go. There can be more than one person that makes you feel this oooh la la kind of way. As we grow older and go through some things, we get further and further away from this level of naivete, carelessness and we let our wisdom dictate our actions. Nothing wrong with that. But right now I am thinking about being caught up in the rapture again..Do your remember how that feels? Smiling at the mere thought of them, getting butterflies every time you're about to be near them, checking your lip gloss, wearing your best "just in case" fits....yeah...I remember and I just hope and pray that the junk, the failures, and disappointments don't EVER make me jaded. Because love is not a spectator sport and is best experienced in full contact.

Good People Still Exist

2008-10-18T19:23:00.010-04:00

Today I pulled up to Ritas Ice Cream, thirsty to cop one last Mango Blendini before they shut it down for the season. I pulled out a card from my purse, jumped out my whip, rushed to the window and placed my order. When it was time to pay the woman, I looked down and to my horror the credit card I was holding was not mine! I was stupefied for a moment and I immediately began to imagine all the "scenarios" that could have landed someone else's credit card in my possession. Did I inadvertently steal it? Was my new tenant trying to set me up? Was one of my classmates trying to sabotage me?Am I on candid camera? Yes I know, far fetched... Once out of my haze I realized that maybe the woman at CVS somehow gave me someone else's card after my transaction earlier? Naw, because I never actually handed over my card to her.

After I went back to my car to get MY card to purchase my Blendini (I wasn't too shook to forget that), I knew I had to immediately call the card holder's bank. When I called, the rep was "surprised" that I called to report this??!! I asked "why"? The woman was like "most people would try to use it and take advantage of the situation, especially in this economy". "Not I" said I. I live (well try to) live by the law of reaping & sowing, ESPECIALLY in this economy I need all the good karma available! So I gave the chick all the info on the card so she could cancel it and left it at that thinking "I just hope someone would do that for me".

But that's not the end...I was still wondering how this could have happened, then it suddenly hit me....Darn Carrabba's carryout girl! Last night I took my greedy tail to Carrabba's and ordered some lobster ravioli and picked it up at their curbside take out. There was another party in a car next to me and the carryout girl "Julie" had given us both a bag and obviously collected our cards for payment simultaneously then disbursed the wrong cards after running them...shame on you Jules, and shame on me for not double checking my card when she handed it back, before pulling off. I was distracted by a cell phone convo at the time. Lesson learned.

So I called up Carrabba's and the other party, with obviously better memory and equally good intentions had already turned in my card. Aww....they wouldn't have gotten far with it any, LOL!<:)

Arbitrary

2008-10-16T20:14:00.007-04:00

"Let me put this big girl in your life"...I've been having a recurring fantasy of being a Sugar Mama. In this fantasy I have a man that's all man but I take care of him and his only job is to be my faithful, loyal, love slave, putting it DOWN whenever and however I want it. Plus I take care of home and I'm the business so he's happy too.. "I'll gas up the Ac for him tonight and he can go wherever he likes...Maybe I'm taking that "uh uh I got it" mentality a little too far, but I really think this would be cool and fuel my need to maintain control of my independence...purely selfish I know. I do hate the notion of women always being in the "tricked on" position. Please, I can do for you, if you're worthy...

She Got Her Own (Miss Independent Remix) feat. Jamie Foxx and Fabulous - Ne-Yo

ALSO

The aftermath of the termination of my boss (the CFO) has begun. We're cutting back on frivolous spending (finally!!) and folks are being held accountable for their project budgets as well as annual departmental budgets. Of course these changes present a challenge for me on my projects (no more blank checks, ha ha), but I know that this is the way the real world operates so I'm ready for it. This is actually the kind of fiscal responsibility I've been hoping to see enforced for a while...I feel like I'm finally getting some vindication for this.

Is it me or was the masseuse at the company health fair today feeling on me, I mean outside of what's necessary? I've had massages before and I don't ever recall that much contact with my a$$ cheeks! Wait a minute Mr. Masseuse!!! That maneuver that you kept doing that caused my butt to jiggle, got me wanting to find somebody worthy.

I really want to throw on a fierce fit, maybe something with that purple patent croc print clutch and hit the club or something!! I need to get out soon and I will.

I need to shake this sudden addiction to Haagen Dazs Vanilla & Almond bars, OMG!! I'm quickly going from phat to FAT, lol...okay maybe that's a bit dramatic but I need to chill. Then had the nerve to sign up for another 10k next month. I'm a glutton for punishment, clearly. I'm ready to get settled again so I can be back on track.

Speaking of which, I'm having a packing party and you're invited. I'm moving!!

I'm Flying

2008-10-12T22:36:00.007-04:00

"now watch me stand on the world as i sit in a throne and if I jump ima fly and look into the eagles eye and say I am looking like you. please don't shoot me down cause im flying, im flying, im higher "--Dwayne Carter

I did it! I got up this morning at 6am, drove to the spot and ran my second 10K (6.2 mile) race. My time was better than last time, but mostly I stuck to my goal...finish and NEVER stop running. It's funny how doing something pyhsical or mentally challenging gets me all philosophical, might sound corny but as I ran I thought, "the race of life is better approached steadily and with friends, to cheer you on and give you a nudge when you're looking a litte slow"...it's okay to nudge and encourage a few perfect strangers that you meet on the course too"

Okay so that was what got me through, my "deep" thoughts. We actually had lot's of fun and it seemed to go faster than last time too. Not to mention the morning was perfect! The gazelle who won the race in the women's category finished in 32 minutes! WTF? That's like a 5 minute mile pace...I did my personal best and I'm proud of me. Now I'm sore as heck because I did not train for this race plus I've put on a few more "grown woman curves" since the last race.

Also spent time with my dolls this weekend...I love my girls and I really don't know where I'd be without them. I'm always leary of women who say they "don't like having a bunch of women around" "girls are haters" or they "only have male friends"..huh?...naw, I need mine!

Confessions

2008-10-12T22:25:00.007-04:00

All boys are not the same...and sometimes we girls do things too...

It's funny how the things we think are "innocent" really hurt the ones we love. "Oh he/she's just a friend". Really? Sometimes you have to ask yourself "what if they did this to me"? There's also some that I've misled, lied to or "used" to get over.

Engaged in a "confessions" session with my best girl over the weekend. It's not just men that have indiscretions and we all have little things that we do that might not be kosher, or might be considered a violation to our partner. Wow, this "relationship" thing is hard work. No one can be everything to their partners and most of the time, the problems begin when people stop talking. I've never been the kind to cheat but women have needs too...sometimes we "live a lie" to get by, to fulfill some part of those needs...

Today

2008-10-09T23:13:00.006-04:00

I watched you enjoying the band, cool, confident with an air of mystery about you, no entourage in sight, just you. I thought to myself, “I. Like. That. Man”. I struggled to juggle the business in front of me while maintaining my gaze on you...

I kept replaying her words in my head "don't take yourself out the game P". But I just don't know. I can't keep putting myself out there like that.

He phoned and said, "I just called to tell you that you're beautiful" My initial thought was how melodic those word would be, if he was someone else...I quickly thanked him before it became obvious.

I received that text requesting my "Christmas wish list". Normally I'd decline and cling to my "independence" but instead I shot off a brief list. Perhaps I'll receive the Chloe perfume, tea set or the Audemars watch, LOL!. <:) Either way, I'm sure I called your bluff. You think you know me, but you have no idea.

The occurrence On.The.Job confirmed once again that NO ONE IS INDISPENSABLE...I WILL step my game up and seize whatever opportunities are presented. The time is now.

Based on a True Story

2008-10-08T22:36:00.006-04:00

Names and some details have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear "Ab/Abby",

Sorry about the mass e-mail but I really need your guidance. So as you all know by now that “old dad” and I broke up about a month ago. Well before we broke up I met a new boy at my favorite new bar. He is very nice, very cute, TONS OF FUN and 21 YEARS OLD. So I just had fun with the kid and didn't think anything of it. Well, when “Mr. 21” found out that “old dad” and I were broken up the whole dynamic changes and he starts telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to take me out and he is ready to marry me and blahh blahh blahh. So of course I just laugh it off especially since most of the times we are having these discussions we are both pretty intoxicated. Well this last weekend he asked me to the Marine Ball and once again I laughed it off. So he said he was going to take me out to dinner and ask me while he is sober. So I just got a text from him asking when he can take me to dinner so he can ask me to the ball. YOU GUYS HE IS 21!!!! I could potentially be his MOTHER and I really DON'T want to hurt his feelings. I really like him and he is lots of fun. Not to mention, he is oh so good for my EGO right now but I told him that I’m just having a good time, while he’s suddenly getting serious.

What should I do?

Help!!!!

Would love to hear from the fellas on this one too...

Just for Fun

2008-10-08T21:57:00.002-04:00

Okay Ursh...Everything in this makes me blush and grin...dang!

Usher - Trading Places (New) [HQ]
by wonderful-life1989

Amazing Acrobatics!

I believe that my life would be much more exciting in a variety of ways if I could perform some of the physical maneuvers featured in the following video, especially the chair split...Wowsers...yes indeed!! Off to practice...

I

2008-10-08T01:12:00.006-04:00

Thanks to Eb for inspiring this...

I am not: always always who I expect to be
I hear: Lisa McClendon's "About Your Love for Me"
I regret: NOTHING; I did the best I could
I care: what other people think more than I should
I always: put those I love before myself
I long to: have something meaningful and reciprocal, just once....
I feel alone: at night
I hide: my deepest darkest secrets and fears
I drive: way too fast
I sing: because I want to
I dance: because I can
I write: for release
I breathe: by God's grace
I play: music almost all the time
I miss: the mother I never knew
I search: for purpose in everything
I say: too many curse words at times
I feel: good about myself
I succeed: by taking leaps of faith and giving my best
I fail: when I don't follow my instincts or ask for help when I need it
I dream: of having it ALL
I sleep: less than I should or would like to (night owl)
I wonder: what my next BIG thing will be
I want: to take another vacation
I worry: that I will forget all that I've studied and fail my math exam
I have: paranoia about being broke
I give: all I have to those I love
I fight: for what I want, sometimes to futility
I am: Ms. Independent
I can’t: wait for my blessing that's on the way
I stay: up too late most nights
I will: run a marathon in the next two years
I can: be way too serious at times
I would: backpack through Africa if there wasn't so much unfinished business
I might: backpack through Africa anyway
I like: the way he walks, umph...LOL!<:)
I love: with everything that's in me
I smile: when I think of how goofy we were
I frown: when I'm in deep thought

Joy Ride

2008-10-02T11:35:00.009-04:00

I contemplated the thought as I tried to fall asleep last night…so excited, I couldn't’t wait until this morning; like a kid on Christmas Eve, I barely slept.

I jumped up this morning, full of anxiety as I placed that call; I counted the rings and waited for you to answer. I was relieved that it was your voice and not the voicemail on the other end of the phone and elated at your response to the simple question I posed.

There I sat, waiting for you, so excited, feeling a rush from the thought of you being next to me, in just a little while longer. I sat there a love feen, beaming, on the edge of my seat like you were coming to deliver a million dollars in cold hard cash to me. I must’ve caught whiplash from the number of times I turned to look at the oncoming cars on either side of me, eager to see yours approach.

Finally, there you were, like a climactic end to a bomb session. My pupils danced as they took you in. You climbed aboard and your ambrosial fragrance filled my ride. I sat there in a crescendo of emotion, trying to play it cool, like the butterflies weren’t doing the electric slide in my tummy. Every now and then I'd sneak a glance at you mouthing the words to the soundtrack of my romance. I’d giggle or accidentally "think out loud" and give some random excuse for my silly outbursts. Truthfully, I was bursting with glee that you were there to ride shot gun in my fantasy.

I savored every second, and was delighted by every turn. The high speeds excited me and I enjoyed the slow motion too. I let me eyes linger on you as you climbed out, wondering when you’d next be a passenger in my joy ride.

I wish I Could Say...

2008-09-30T00:08:00.007-04:00

I'm down today, because you're not here with me
I'm sad today because you weren't here to kiss me
I'm melancholy today because you're the one I'm missing

I wish I could tell you and you'd still see me as strong
I wish I could say it and my words wouldn't come out wrong
I wish I could tell you and you'd not feel like the blame
I wish I could say that I wish things were the same

You're my love and I want to tell you
You're my friend but at times this thing makes me blue
You're my confidant and I know I can tell you anything
You're my heart but I need your respect above everything

I wish I knew what happened to the fearless woman inside
Who never bite her tongue or hesitated to speak her mind
I don't understand why I get like this at times
It's just that with you there's so much riding on the line

I fear that you might hear me and take my words too personally
It's not that I want to hurt you, rather hope that you'd understand me
See, today, just like yesterday, I felt lonely, sad and blue
And I wish I could tell you that it's mostly because...I'm still not over you

Hair Affairs

2008-09-28T18:45:00.004-04:00

I don't expect anyone else to care about this topic at all but....

Why is it that whenever I'm "going through something" I want to take it out on my hair? LOL! My girl always tells me that it's a woman thing, especially sisters. Remember on 'Waiting to Exhale' when Angela Basset's character cut off all her long "pretty" hair in defiance? She'd wanted to do it for a while, but since everyone, including her cheating husband loved her hair, she refrained. But then when he left she did it!

I'm not sure the exact reason WHY I decided to lock my hair. Yes I think locks are gorgeous and I never plan to put a chemical relaxer in my hair again, but lately I'm not feeling it. I've avoided coming in my blog with the same ole bullshit because I'm trying to do better and grow but man I'm just depressed!! It's like no matter how much sleep I get I am still EXHAUSTED! Plus my appetite is no where to be found. I could write down everything that I ate this entire past week without even thinking about it. I have been so tired all the time, and at any moment I feel like bursting into tears. We had my god-son's birthday party today (he's two) and try as I may, I did not enjoy myself. I felt kind of left out because I was the only woman there without children (I know I should be happy/relieved). Even the life size Elmo thing could not cheer me up. All I could think about too was I need to change my hair, LOL! Like WTF does my hair have to do with any of this? Here I go, about to take my drama out on my hair again. When I chopped all my hair off to go natural years ago I was in a place of needing to "change". I think when I decided to lock I was determined to change somethings in my life and be strong in some places where I felt/feel weak and for some reason, locking appealed to me and still does. I basically applied the Samson theory to my hair. Lately, I have to admit I've been falling victim to the Eurocentric beauty ideal. I usually reject this notion but right now, I think I'm giving in. Like I don't feel pretty or sexy or feminine right now. I fee like I'm on some edgy shit which is cool, but I want to be soft and flowy. I know that I would never relax my hair but I remember having my blow out and how "pretty" I looked to myself and others. Of course I always received a lot of extra attention with my long flowy jet black blow out, something that I honestly despised then but miss now. Strange huh? I've even pondered the possibility that my biological clock is about to start ticking and I am narrowing my chances of catching a man with locks, because let's face it, men are just programmed to prefer soft flowy hair. Maybe my auntie's voice is finally getting to me. Not sure what it is, not sure what I'll do about it, if anything. It's not too late to turn back, but being who I am I will continue to lock because I usually do what I say and finish what I start, plus I am still very curious and I think locks are incredibly beautiful. I think this is just a test or a phase, the "ugly" stage of locks that usually weeds out the real from the fakers. But I miss my afro puff, my blow out and my run your fingers through soft curly bush.

It's no secret that I love a man with dreadlocks, I think they are very sexy. But I often notice that I rarely see a man with locks with a woman/girlfriend/wife etc, also with locks. Their women usually have straight relaxed hair, short straight cuts etc. Or they are white/mixed/other. Why is that? Why do I even care and why is that a topic of pontification for me lately? This is the type of insecure BS I'm on and I hate it. Why am I seeking outside validation, especially over something like this?

So of course I'm thinking as I get older transitioning into locks would be a good look for me, and I hate the heat damage that I would get from pressing my hair....for my hair, heat is almost as bad as relaxing because it left me with permanently straight pieces. Maybe I just needed to get this out in the open before I do something I'll regret.

End of this random BS rant. Off to do some schoolwork. Ah school, the one thing keeping things in perspective for me right now.

Peace

Grown Folks' Business

2008-09-21T22:03:00.001-04:00

Somewhere between, the mistakes, the breaks, the changes, the pain, the triumphs, the good, the crazy and the convoluted, I evolved into this beautiful, sexy (you know I had to throw that in there <:), thoughtful, independent, kind, generous, sometimes misunderstood, but always well-meaning, selfless, loving, wise, fun, funny, fearless God fearing, Grown Woman. WOW!

This might seem obvious enough but every once in a while, it just hits me! Like "girl you are so grown, you are such a woman", hell "phenomenally" even, to borrow from the great. LOL! Have you ever experienced this moment? Handling your own affairs, paying your bills, taking your vacays, putting money in the bank, having fun, loving, learning, and living the life that you've always wanted. Add to that, the fact that I've managed to surround myself with so many like minded goddesses, wow! I love it!! Today it happened as I was conducting one of my "pamper sessions". I peered at my eyes from behind my facial mask and said "gone GURL"!! "Get it Ma, you're doing you". Yes ladies and gentlemen, taking a bubble bath can induce such moments of clarity and self awareness (no pun intended). You should try it sometime. I had my music going and I just felt this surge of peace and excitement. I'm always an interesting dichotomy of extremes, LOL! Anyway, while taking my bubble bath with my glass of wine (yes sir, red wine to be exact) I think I uncovered the secret to life too..............................................wait for it, wait for it

Life is a constant process of evolving, learning, and growing that does not cease until we die (sorry if that's a little morbid and deflects from the positive tone of this post a bit). But yeah, that's a gem right? Of course I'm being facetious, but real talk, we (talking about women again) put sooooo many timetables on everything, even our own growth. Like "I can't be doing this anymore, girl, I'm going on 30 darn years old" when the "this" we're referring to is loving and losing, having a change of heart or mind about things, making some bad decisions (that we thought were good) or just some stuff that we can't really stamp a darn age limit on. Now should we know better about some stuff? Of course but it's not age that dictates, it's experience that brings wisdom (if we allow it). Cause what if you're a 35 year old woman that's never been in love before and gets your heart broken real good for real at 37? Does that make you stupid, green, immature? I vote no. Or what if at 42, you decide that the career you chose no longer fulfills and you want to go back to the drawing board to pursue your passion, do you lack direction? Again, I think not.

But I aint even trying to preach today. Maybe it was the good Word at church today (see what happens when you go to church? All positive and stuff)or the Jill Scott I was pumping as I took a time out for me, but I'm just feeling good about my womanhood and I want to celebrate!!! Who wants to raise a glass with me? Here's to me and all my other Grown Ass Women (and men), doing their thing, having fun and loving life!! CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow if I come back up in here, an emotional wreck, please don't hold it against me, ok? We've already established that this is a LIFE LONG process, right? LOL!! <:)

I'm ready for whatever's next though. Grown Folks , stand up!!!!! Okay sit back down, you know you're at work.

Daydreaming

2008-09-21T18:54:00.004-04:00

Awakened by the bright morning sunshine bouncing off the equally brilliant hue of her bedroom walls, she attempts to open her eyes to embrace the day. Suddenly the thoughts came, as their song (her morning alarm) played. "And so it is, just like you said it would be...I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes...I can't take my mind off you,"...

It'd been so long since the last time they shared a kiss but the suppleness and sweetness of his lips still lingered on hers. She remembered how that last kiss felt like the first. She smiled at the memory of how he always found a reason to touch her, even during casual conversation. She longed for the feeling of his soft yet manly hands touching her, no caressing her and venturing into places that only he could. In her daydream, they are both giving in, plunging in with eyes wide shut allowing their lust, emotions, and passion to consume them...it consumes them, and they quench it willingly, knowingly...

She'd put on her "big girl" hat and stood on an "I can handle it" stance to convince herself that she could, knowing, yet unaware of how far her thoughts would take her...post him. "I wonder what his good to you feels like", she'd often surmised to herself, "what's he like on a...Another image interrupts her reverie. Suddenly it hurts. "Lord is this my punishment", she whispered into the air. She'd been here before so she knew better than to turn into a calling too damn much, crying, crying...she'd never intended to be this chic...instead she'd resolved to be a dreaming, wishing, desiring, yet letting go and loving him from afar woman of substance.

...She allows the warmth of the sun to surge her with the energy and will to rise from her slumber, and face day head on....opening her heart to new possibilities.

I Should be Working

2008-09-19T15:41:00.013-04:00

But instead I'm rambling on my blog...

Sometimes I admire people that are just ruthless. I usually take the high road in situations but "my private thoughts" would absolutely horrify the most sinister among us.

I am going to run that 10K again next weekend. It was fun last year and I want to beat my time from last year. But I am definitely taking my IPOD this time, screw running etiquette.

Last week I ate french toast for breakfast almost everyday and it was orgasmic! It's showing on my gut this week though, LOL!!

It's funny how when the crap hits the fan, folks run for cover, choose sides and switch up on you, but I guess that's life. I've been here before.

I've drafted 3 separate emails to express my thoughts but I've not sent one of them yet. I am not usually one who bites my tongue but something gives me pause...oh that's right, I'm prioritizing other's feelings again. Silly me, when will I learn?

I need to work on my poker face. Do you have a poker face? What does it look like?

I need to figure what I want to be when I grow up.

I need to seriously pack to move. I can't believe I'm moving to a city that not too long ago I declared "you aint got to worry about me coming over there". LOL! My how l...never mind.

At 5:30 I am going to get a mani, pedi, and eyebrow wax, then I'm going to the movies to see "The Women" all before I go home and dive head deep back into my books. I love school!

I love MATH...Okay not really but I'm trying to use the power of persuasion over my situation.

It's funny how after one begins to "climb the corporate ladder" we forget how to do simple tasks like using the postage machine. It took me a minute but I figured it out. I can't let anyone catch me slipping like that!

Friend. What is your definition of a friend? How do you know when you have or are a true friend?

Love, Peace and Hair grease. I hope your weekend is as fabulous as I plan for mine to be...

That Elusive Him

2008-09-17T09:29:00.010-04:00

Today is one of those days that I wish you were around, my Him, who understands that sometimes I might not want you around, yet you stick around because you want me around.

After brunch the other day, my girl turned to me and said “can you believe we spent all that time talking about men”? She was right and the tone in her voice said that she dissapproved of our focus. My initial reaction was to agree that we needed a new “subject” but during class last night I was somewhat enlightened as to why I and others (women in my peer group) love the subject of MEN. Apparently from a sociological perspective young adults (we’ll say 18-40) spend a great portion of this time in our lives pursuing and maintaining relationships with a “significant other”. I’ll use caution not to call this a natural process, but rather part of our sociological conditioning. It is what it is. Whether we get this idea from TV, other media or witnessing it modeled before us by parents, we get to a point in our own socialization that we seek this person and until we get Him, we want Him and when we find Him, we fight to keep Him.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to berate myself for wanting my elusive Him. I’m not going to apologize that my blog is chock full of lamentations and musings over Him; the Him I had, the Him I lost, the Him I’ve loved, the Him that disappointed me or the Him that’s gone. Sometime in the future, there will be more rambling over a Him and that’s just my reality. At the end of the day, it does not define me and caution is given to anyone who wishes to judge me solely from this lens. I am complex and this desire, no CRAVING for someone special is my gift and my curse. I admit that I may be a bit of a dreamer in that I exist in a perpetual state of "If" as an "anonymous" poster wisely commented on a recent post of mine. But my "if" syndrome is not just about having any ol' dude. It's more of "if" this wonderful person that has come into my life is the one, then I can finally graduate from seeking mode to keeping mode. If not, what's his point, just to fuel my fantasies?

Women have it rough. On one hand there’s all this pressure to get a man, get married, make babies, etc and on the other hand there’s this invisible veil of guilt that hangs over us for wanting these things. I’ve found myself and others apologizing or purposefully avoiding the desires that burn within. Today I feel lonely, but guess what? I still got my butt up at 5:00am to board a 6:07am train to work. Later, I will leave work and take the same path back, not to go home, but to drive to class and spend three more hours in a lecture on Management. When I get home, that ever present voice will say to me "damn it would be nice if He was here" to hug me and say "love, how was your day". I'll imagine Him smiling proudly at me as he watches me study. Once I finally climb into bed, I'll long to hold Him and tomorrow morning, I'll picture me cautiously tip toeing out of bed as to not prematurely wake Him when I have to rise at 5:00am (yes I have a vivid imagination, so?) to do it all over again.

I’ve done it without Him, I’m doing it without Him, but I still desire Him.

She's A Bitch

2008-09-15T12:53:00.008-04:00

Difficult, Bitch, Arrogant, Mean, Aggressive, Ball Beater..

Some of the names that a woman who's about her business is often referred to. A woman who's not sleeping her way to the top, but works hard to get what she wants. She's at the top of her class, and quickly rising to the top of her craft. She's a sweetheart once you know her but can be as vicious as a pit bull if you cross her. Yes, she takes no prisoners when it comes to doing what she's paid to do. Ironically, this woman just feels as though she's doing her job and even the people doing the name calling and finger pointing can't deny that. They can't give her the lazy charge or find fault in her.. So they make shit up. So sad and childish...grow up and get a backbone and some business. Hey if you want something go for yours is her motto, how can you not appreciate that? As much as she tries to look out for others, you still don't like her, but you do have to respect her because try as you may, the people who's respect you're trying to gain, already respect her so your backstabbing bullshit is in vain and is leaving you looking so weak...while she's smiling all the way to the bank!

If you were smart, you'd get in her good graces and learn a thing or two because this woman is going places. Instead of of hating on her game, she could help you elevate yours. Yeah, she could teach you, but she'll have to charge, HA HA!!

Feeling Blah

2008-09-14T20:08:00.005-04:00

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine and he was "like dang, what's wrong with you, you seem so distant". I don't know if distant is the correct word but I guess I wasn't giving up too much convo either. Hey, it's like that sometimes, nothing personal boo. I just feel blah, not sad, not happy, just nothing.

Nonetheless, I've had a fabulous weekend! I did a little "vintage" shopping on Friday and found some amazing pieces! I am still stunned. Friday night I got dolled up and chilled with my chicks a little bit at a private party of a friend who's launching a new business. Cool times. On Saturday I went to my class, then took a little trip to the mall in Towson (pretty cool mall, even though I hate malls). I didn't really buy anything but I was just curious to look because I had always heard that it's a nice mall. Saturday afternoon I went and had a facial that still has my skin feeling like a newborns bottom and then I went to a going away gathering for my God brother, an engineer who's accepted a 1 year position in Iraq!!!??? Let's just pray for him. It was nice to spend time with the family and we took a group trip to the movies to see the new Tyler Perry joint. It was just OK to me overall, but I really enjoyed the acting of Kathy Bates ("it's not you I don't trust, it's your private thoughts that give me pause". CLASSIC!!) and Sanaa Lathan. I'm curious to hear other's reaction to the movie.

Today I enjoyed my favorite Sunday past time, going to worship followed by brunch where I ate whatever I wanted to eat AGAIN. I really need to get back right before I lose my waistline. Since then I've come home, slept on a full stomach, did some homework, cleaned up and I'm trying to think about what I need to pack to live in Baltimore part-time this week again...but I still feel blah, I need some excitement!! My girl took me to lunch on Thursday, fed me good and tempted me with a trip to Paris for her birthday in November, hmmmm.....

It's Me Again...

2008-09-10T11:59:00.006-04:00

I'd immersed myself so far into the political drama of the elections that now I'm sick of it all and refuse to listen to anymore campaign crap! I've decided to just say F it and vote for Obama...even if it's just because he's black. He's half African too, so there...

I can't place my finger on it, but I'm curiously laid back in my classes..I'm usually very outspoken and engaged but for some reason I'm in a quiet mood. I just want to fly under the radar, get my grades and move on...

I'm at that time of the month where I absolutely crave two things; sweet, starchy carbs and S.E.X. For my own sanity and the well-being of those around me, I've put my eating healthy regimen on pause (temporarily) and allowed myself to indulge in the former.

All the lyrics to the new song by Rhianna, accurately describe my state of being around the time when Aunt Dot is due..."I gotta get out or figure this ish out", DISTURBIA!!

The death of Kanika T. Powell has suddenly made me aware of my own vulnerability as a single woman, living alone...but God has not given me a spirit of fear so I'll press on...

It Be Like that Sometimes

2008-09-06T21:33:00.008-04:00

Last week was fabulous! I started school and upon receipt of each syllabus I couldn't help but think to myself "this is going to be easy", LOL! I know it's not going to be easy but I'm psyching myself into believing that it will be. My approach and outlook has been "don't let them see you sweat" EVER!

This morning I woke up feeling great! I fixed myself a healthy breakfast (ignored the desire to stay home, trying to be a good student) and braved the torrential downpour of Tropical Storm Hannah and drove all the way from Upper Marlboro to Towson (this ish has got to end ASAP) only to find that my class/professor was no where to be found!!! WHAT? So I just took 10 deep breaths (quoted my "don't let em see you sweat" mantra) and exited the premises. Once I reached my car I had the brilliant idea that perhaps I could move my hair appt. up from 4 until as soon as my loctician could take me. So I call her up at the shop and I'm told that she's "not coming in today". WTF?? Soooo was I going to get a courtesy call? I quickly had a flashback of hairdressers not showing up (one of my main reasons for going natural so long ago), I just don't like inconsiderate actions but again I inhaled and exhaled several times...repeated the mantra and headed back home...I turned the radio up as loud as I could, silencing the rising frustration in my chest and drove home. As I drove I thought to myself, perhaps this was God's way of giving me the rest that I really do need. So home I went and rested I did. There really is a silver lining afer all.

That Boom Physique

2008-09-03T21:16:00.006-04:00

I have been following the principles of the ABS diet since I got back from my last South Africa trip and man I am getting sexier, if I must say so myself! This stuff works and it's so easy. Your food focus are the 12 power foods and eating 5-6 meals per day. You eat all day so you're never hungry. I love it! I even got some of my people doing it. I found out recently that Kelly Rowland of DC3 is on this and though her frame is different from mine, I think she's hot!

The ABS Diet Power 12

Now I know that most people that know me will probably say that I don't need to diet but I say that at barely 5 2' and naturally "thick", I need to watch it. Plus I like my clothes and I understand the importance (both health and vanity reasons) of having a good waist to hip differential. I'm also more effective in my workout and have tons of energy, stamina and focus. This way of eating really works and I would normally not advocate any diet but this one rocks.

My routine has pretty much been as follows:

Mon-Fri

Instant plain oatmeal mixed with non-fat milk or vanilla yogurt, splenda and walnuts for breakfast.

A handful of almonds for a snack about two hours later.

Salmon (I only eat fish) and baby spinach salad for lunch about 2-3 hours later. Some days I make tofu instead of fish.

Non fat yogurt mixed with blueberries and walnuts for a snack, 2-3 hours later.

Egg whites omelet (spinach, onions and tomatoes) prepared with olive oil for dinner. Or whey protein mixed with berries, yogurt and milk for dinner if I work out that evening.

Of course I also drink plenty of water and I'm not a caffeine fan at all, but I love herbal tea so I have that.

I pretty much stick to the same foods because I don't mind it, I'm a creature of habit and it makes my grocery shopping and life simpler. Plus I'm a good cook so I can make pretty much anything taste good and different. Others might require more variety which can be achieved as well.

On the weekend, I usually let my hair down a bit and have a drink or glass of wine if I go out and dessert if I want it. I'm going to see how I'll tweak this to work with my school schedule but I plan to continue. My abs are on point. It's only fair to mention that I've been stepping up my abs workout game as well. I'm going to be going to the gym or jogging in the morning more since I have school in the evening but this diet is cool because I don't have to eat certain foods at certain times or any foolishness like that and I can snack on an apple or nuts during class. So far I have dropped 7 pounds and I've only been working out moderately since my social calendar has not allowed me to be such a gym rat lately. Anybody looking to drop a few pounds, tone up, or just get on a healthier eating track should check this out.

Lessons Learned

2008-09-02T20:40:00.008-04:00

1. Love does not make sense, but it makes a good song as my girl Alicia Keys once noted. But even in love, it's important to still use my brain because the heart is foolish and even the Bible cautions us to guard it.

2. There is nothing wrong with loving someone hard, but I have to save somethings for myself and demand reciprocity or I will end up feeling unappreciated, resentful and jaded.

3. I will not beat myself up for being who I am and I will not attempt to change me, I will just be more cautious of whom I give of myself to. This applies to ANY relationship.

4. I am smart and even though it despairs me that I come from a family of engineers yet I struggle with math, it does not take away from my intelligence because I have a NEVER QUIT attitude that can't be taught.

5. I am an influential person (I even have the psychological profile to back it up) so I have to be careful of how I project myself to others.

6. I am beautiful even when I don't feel or act beautiful.

7. I have a lot of intelligent, upwardly mobile, beautiful, driven, loving, thoughtful, trustworthy, real women in my life and I need to make it my priority to nurture these relationships. My sister circle must be cherished and never taken for granted.

8. Sometimes, no matter how much I want something, once I strip away all the BS and fluff and see that it's not for me, I HAVE to walk away.

9. My relationship with God and my family are paramount and trump anything else in my life, period.

10. I have to take care of me first. I am a giver and that's a great thing but I can no longer put other people's needs, wants, and feelings before mine.

11. I make good decisions and even when I feel that I don't (especially with men) I realize that I do. Even the people that it didn't work out with are good people and it was my decision to involve myself with them.

12. I need to get some platonic male friends. No matter how "cool" I am with my ex or other past lovers, I can't depend on them for unbiased relationship advice about other men. There will always be an undercurrent of "who the F is this n@**# with them! LOL!

13. I am a grown woman now and as such, when I need to get something done, I will make sure my funds are in place and hire a professional. I have been on the wrong side of the "homeboy hookup" enough times to know that it's not economical or cute.

14. I am independent and it does not take away from my independence that I sometimes want to fall back and let a man take care of me.

15. Confronting a loved one with a gripe will not make them stop loving me and if they do walk out of my life because I had to "go off" on them, they never really loved me in the first place. Sometimes I just have to let people know about themselves, with all due respect.

16. Things are generally not as hard, serious, monumental, offensive, heartbreaking, or earth shattering as I may perceive them to be. I need to let my imagination run wild in areas of creativity, (i.e. writing, inventing, birthing new business ideas, etc) but not in my interpersonal relationships.

17. God is good all the time!

Please Excuse Me as I Undergo Fall Renovations

2008-09-01T13:48:00.025-04:00

Shout out to my girl TC for coining this term, "fall renovations". It's kind of funny when you think about the random things that we say that turn out to be so on point!

I am very excited about starting school tomorrow. That might sound a bit nerdy but it's true. To prepare, I decided to just chill this past weekend. On Friday night I caught up with an old friend from school at Zola in downtown DC. The food was just OK but the company was excellent. We had a very interesting conversation and I've decided that I am going to spend much more time with this intelligent and interesting woman in the future. On Saturday I chilled so hard that I might as well have been in a coma! But it was good times and I needed it because this was my last Saturday to enjoy that kind of luxury for a while. Sunday, a glorious day, was spent getting my worship on and then having brunch and doing some shopping with my girl in Georgetown. We got our cosmetics shopping on (my favorite past time), got us some skin tuners, because gorgeous skin is the new black. We had a blast and I purchased one of my fall/winter staple pieces.

I got this bubble coat that is just the perfect blend of chic, girly, and practical, cause that bad boy is down filled, plus I love the color! I also got some of my favorite Dermalogica and Bliss skincare products and some pucker perfecting items from MAC. All I need now is some Chloe perfume and I'm set. Can you say retail therapy? It was an absolutely perfect day!!

I am thinking of just breaking down and treating myself to a new purse and there are only three that I really like: This one by Tuffi Duek and the classic LV Speedy.

I never wanted the LV when it was the "it" thing but now I like it, especially this more chocolate muted version. The last one (pictured) that I really like is pretty much any bag by Chloe (I just love the Boho chic style of Chloe bags) but the price range is laughable. I can't decide and knowing me I'll wait until I can actually justify such a purchase, which would be the day after never. Maybe after I get straight A's this semester, I can treat myself for a job well done. Better yet, maybe I'll wait until I actually graduate and go for the Chloe bag. I'm not cheap but things just have to make sense for me to drop money on because I like to have money in the bank as well as in my wallet! I am usually the type that makes one "big" purchase once every blue moon rather than staying up in the mall or running out to buy a new outfit each time I'm going somewhere. Nope, quality over quantity is my motto. When I inventory my closet, I already have most if not all of the fall trends, the feminine blouse, the plaid pieces, the sheath dress, the muted floral dresses, the booties. I've got it all from my past life as a shopaholic and working in fashion retail. Besides, I was told by an older fashionista in my life that once you're over 25, you should (mostly) buy pieces that are classic and timeless.

Aside from the above superficial indulgences, the most important renovation that I'm currently undergoing is the one inside. I am taking a personal inventory (checking out my insecurities, indiscretions, mistakes, fears as well as all my wonderful qualities), learning from the things I've experienced (both good and bad) and revamping to become a better woman, friend, student, teacher, believer, business person and daughter. I'm upgrading myself and plan to take better care of me, especially my heart, period! That's one renovation that won't cost me a thing but will reward me instead. Gotta love that!

Just My Thoughts

2008-08-29T10:04:00.006-04:00

I have not been blogging that much recently...because I have been busy for one, I have not really felt like it, and I've been talking to my circle instead of airing my thoughts here. But sometimes I realize that I am such an oxymoron because I resent my "heart on my sleeve" ways and hate the fact that I am such an open book. I wish I could be a little more mysterious, lol...but I guess I am who I am...if you don't love me, somebody else will..

The narcissistic part of me that needs to see some shit with my own eyes before it's real to me (so sad, I know) wants to go to this thing this weekend and even feel some pain from whatever I might be confronted with and move on from there...but I can't say that what I feel would change from that. It most likely wouldn't.

Today is the one year anniversary of the first date. As much fault finding I tired to do, I was gone from date 1. If the information received on date 2 didn't deter me, nothing else would. So one year later, here I sit and I reminisce over you; about the patient way you were with me, in helping me do stuff, tutoring me, listening to me vent about random shit, letting me vent about you to you, LOL!, waiting for me to become ready and then sexing me passionately when I was, the neat (much better than mine) penmanship you have, the cool intense thing you do with your eyes whenever I would go off and you'd just watch me with a half serious have smirk look on your face, to how domesticated you make me want to be, to the memory of you folding clothes as I did my own thing, to you pulling me off the couch to dance with me to a slow groove that came on the radio the first time we chilled at your place, to the thoughts of you that I have every time I hear certain songs by your favorite artists, the way you went out of your way to cater to my picky eating habits...okay I'm done. LOL!

So I started locking my hair like two months ago. By now I expected to have re-nigged on the deal, but I am so anxious to follow through with it. I am very committed to the process. I am shocked at myself for real, but I hope this shows that I've grown in some ways from always having to change my hairstyle (drastically) every other minute to feel right. Like my hair is in more often than not, in some stage of unneatness right now and I am so okay with that. I am just looking forward to the day when I'll have long mature locks that fall into my face, swing sexily over my breasts and have to be brushed aside by my lover as he reaches in for a kiss...leave it to me to romanticize some damn locks!! Yeah I'm hopeless, but there is still hope for me yet...

Subject: FW: Haters By Maya Angelou

2008-08-19T10:59:00.005-04:00

LOL! I got this email forward as I was JUST having a discussion with someone about how I HATE the concept of a "hater" since it's usually (wrongly) applied to anyone that simply does not like something, someone, or and idea. Why do I have to be a "hater" simply because I don't like the dress Rhianna is wearing or the fact that someone can't pay their rent but goes out and buys a new Benz and I choose to comment on it? I might be being nosy or even speaking out of turn but does that make me a hater? Anyway, I like the definition below. To me if you’re going to call someone something as harsh as this, make it relevant.

Subject: FW: Haters By Maya Angelou

Haters
By Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall. They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough! When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters. That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams, because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed. It's dangerous to be like somebody else. If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right? You never know what people have gone through to get what they have. The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story. If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!
We've all got some haters among us! People envy you because you can:
Have a relationship with God
Light up a room when you walk in
Start your own business
Tell a man / woman to hit the curb (if he / she isn't about the right thing)
Raise your children without both parents being in the home.

Haters can't stand to see you happy, Haters will never want to see you succeed, Haters never want you to get the victory, most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side. How do you handle your undercover haters?
You can handle these haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are *(VERY IMPORTANT!!)
2. Having a purpose to your life? Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.
3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation. Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live. When its your time to leave this earth, you 'want' to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and fulfilled 'my' dreams. Now I'm ready to go home! When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at me. Look at Who is in charge of me.'

New Beginnings

2008-08-13T23:28:00.007-04:00

Can melancholy and peace coexist? I vote yes, because interestingly, that’s what I feel right now. The textbook definition of melancholy is a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression but also, sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness. I think I’m more on the ladder end. Throw in a bit of excitement and curiosity too.

Last Friday’s date was 08/08/08, in case you missed it. LOL! As a pretty spiritual person I have been told, read, and believe that as the number 7 represents the number of completion or perfection, the number 8 in the spiritual realm, represents a transition into newness or new beginnings. Last Friday I recognized the date and the significance of the numbers and embraced it as my time of newness and transition onto an even greater plateau. I had just returned from a month of being in South Africa, felt very confident and excited about my latest projects and later that evening had a wonderful dinner and girl talk session with my girl from high school. Even later that evening, I had another catching up session with two more great women from high school. I was excited, happy and could feel the tide turning (for the better) in my spirit. I mean I could just feel it!

Then BAM!! On Saturday, my ex calls to deliver some sobering news that his new girlfriend just had a baby girl for him two weeks ago. For many reasons, most of which I could not even explain, I was crushed. I cried for a while and at one point I looked myself in the mirror and asked myself honestly why this news bothered me so. After all, we are over and I’m the one that ended it. The most honest answer I got back was that at one time and for a very long time, this man represented my hope for a future family, my dream to be a wife and a mother and now that reality rests with him and someone else. I also felt that in some weird way I was reliving our horrible break up all over again. I think that letting him get close to me again, as we had become recently made me vulnerable to him again. [lesson learned: guard my heart] But God is good because just as I was bracing myself for a week of tears, depression and sadness, I was surrounded by friends who were there for me to talk some sense into me, encourage me, love on me and pray for me. I was allowed to cry and vent and I was supported. So though I am melancholy about it and find myself drifting into wonder about what his baby girl looks like, how he’s holding her tenderly and cooing at her, how they are relating as a “family” etc…I am not bitter, envious, or jealous and I have not shed one more tear over it since Sunday. My girl said one thing that stood out to me. She was like "P, the man that is for you will be a giver (of himself) like you are". All I could say was "Damn", because that was so poignant. I have decided to be patient and let this wonderful, giving man find me and love me as I deserve to be loved. Until then I have to "think about myself for a change" as my wise ex advised me this weekend. That is the best thing he has ever said to me. LOL!

I believe that I am at peace and if I have not arrived there, I am quickly finding my way to it.

I know that I am so much better off. I don’t wish to be an unwed mother and at the end of the day he and I had to end because he is very selfish and I am totally unselfish, there is no way he and I could have continued to coexisted happily once I became a self aware woman. There was a brief moment where I considered not giving him the gift that I bought him from South Africa (LOL!) but it’s just not in me to be an Indian giver and he totally loved it. Forgiveness is key and though I know he is very undeserving, the big ass grin on his face warmed my heart.

Since the drama of the weekend I have cleaned my house from top to bottom (cause that's what I do when I'm upset), purged my closet for clothes and shoes to donate and just trying to ride this whole wave of freshness and newness that I feel and I am determined to hold onto no matter what foolishness comes my way.

This week I decided that I am moving to Baltimore and have started the process to rent my house and find a place there. I am so sure in spite of not yet having a renter or a place to move into there that I have already began packing. I am just claiming it all done! I am so excited I can hardly sit still! I am also starting at a new school next month and I am so thrilled at the idea of going back to school. I am ready to go back into nerd mode and have no life. I can picture myself in my new place in Baltimore, writing a paper, reading and sipping some tea. Being from the DC area, we were always told bad things about Baltimore but I have a feeling like I am going to love Baltimore and I already know that it's not all like 'The Wire'! Plus I know some good people there and I have family there. Can you tell that I'm excited?

After a month of drinking wine and feasting on rich food in South Africa I am now eating better and following the principles of the ABS diet as well as working out and I feel fabulous! Like my girl Free says “I’m getting fine” and I feel so good about all the wonderful new things and blessings that are in store for me!

I'm Back!!!!!!!!

2008-08-04T21:41:00.003-04:00

I feel like my girl TC with the "I'm Back" post but the title is just so befitting, what can I say?

So yes I'm back and honestly it feels good. As much as I love Africa and still plan to move there, I missed my people! I touched down at 6:00am today and things kind of got off to a rocky start. I was in a bit of a funky mood and I was straight lunching!! But Ima be easy on myself because one of my bags did not make it to the states (blower number 1) and I had to pay $476.00 to exit the airport parking lot and I felt awful even though I know I'll be reimbursed. It just felt irresponsible of me to have been rushing and parked in the premium lot instead of the less expensive lot on accident, but I'll get over it. On top of that my car (tire) was making a funny sound. I have to admit that I was feeling sorry for myself because as all this was happening, I had a moment of immense loneliness and feeling tired of always doing it alone. I remember when I was going to Atlanta and my friend gave me a ride without me having to even ask and how good and relaxing it felt to have this little help, especially since he also helped me find my driver's license in a crunch and kept me from missing my cousin's wedding! I loves me some him!<:)

Later (after some much needed sleep), as I reflect on why I was moody this morning, I realized what it was. It's just too bad I couldn’t find the words to describe my emotions without sounding needy and pitiful. I still think I sounded pitiful and needy but every once in while I have one of those "damsel in distress" moments and wish to be rescued and taken care of. But guess what? Right now, that's not a luxury for me so, NEXT!

South Africa was a blast. The last week there was stressful, workwise but when is work not stressful? After everyone moved into the new building, we had only one phone line (going in both directions) because TELCOM, the telecommunications monopoly in SA just felt like taking their time. Finally on Thursday we were up and running with that but our crazy real estate agent called me out of my sleep on Friday morning with some BS about more ridiculous charges that they want us to pay. See that right there is why I opted to fight them the first time instead of just giving in, BUT NOOOO!! Like the Bible says "don't give place to the devil". Now these bastards are going to be coming back with all kinds of foolishness and honestly I am not surprised. But hey, I tried and frankly I'll fight them some more.

Friday afternoon we had a wine and cheese celebration where I was highlighted for my efforts. It's nice to be appreciated but it's so embarrassing to be put in the spotlight especially when I know that this project took a village (no pun intended). Then I realized that I did bust my tail to pull this project off and was diligent in selecting the right vendors, contractors and team to work with. I also did most of the planning phase in the states and that presented an even greater challenge. It was not easy at all but in the end, everything went well, so for that I say yes, give this chick a hand, because I gave it my all, did a great job and I deserve it. So I got over myself, stuffed my face with some good wine and fruit and enjoyed the moment.

When I got off work Friday evening, I had a fabulous facial and even went on a little date. <:)

Saturday I got some much need retail therapy, went back to my room and packed for my departure and now I'm back!! Did you miss me?

Reporting, Live from the Motherland

2008-07-30T11:45:00.004-04:00

So I was watching a show called ‘African Diaspora’ the other night and the discussion was about future President Barak Obama and how his presidency would affect the nations of Africa. I sensed from the questions that were being asked by the host that there is an expectation for Obama to create policy to effect change in the motherland. Wow! I mean that is so much pressure but I completely get it. The way they see it, he’s black, hell he’s half Kenyan so he needs to “help a brother and a sister out” essentially.

One of the things that I’ve noticed and appreciate about people in the places that I’ve visited in Africa is that Africans don’t mince words. They pretty much put it out there. So the host was asking the guest questions like “what changes will Obama make to ease the economic, social and political strains that many African nations are facing today”? “Will Obama have an “I’m my brother’s keeper policy strategy or will he seek to please his constituents in Washington”? Yes, he actually asked this question. My mouth was agape during this entire episode!

The guest was Monica Faith Stewart, a an EMEA delegate to the Democratic Convention who lives in South Africa and represents the US Democratic party in that region. Well Ms. Stewart, being the American that she is (you know how we like to mince words, be politically correct, and use cute euphemisms for obvious shit) was practically accosted with questions that she clearly did not feel comfortable answering. In her defense, she’s obviously NOT in the position to speak for Senator Obama and the truth is no one really knows what this man will do once in office. The host’s position was basically that Africa is tired of being viewed as the Dark Continent that’s plagued with HIV. As the host stated, African nations have been saying for years that they want "trade and not aid". There is talent amongst the people but most of the countries are not in the position to help themselves without an opportunity to trade and engage economically with the western world, sad but true. But the way the host badgered this woman was priceless! Maybe you had to be there to really get it, but I laughed my ass off.

So then I watched a show called ‘Countdown to 2010’, which basically is all about South Africa’s country preparedness plan to host the FIFA World Cup in 2010. As I watched all, I could think to myself was WTF is wrong with the people making economic decisions in this country? I understand that to host a huge event like the World Cup, the Olympics, etc, the host nation must make some adjustments and changes to the infrastructure of that area in order to accommodate the event. Maybe I’m naïve but it seems to me, that those changes will cost a lot and for that reason, that country needs to be able recoup that loss from revenue generated during the event and AFTER!

To me South Africa is not the place for this. For one, there is a huge energy crisis in SA. The last time I was here, all the power in the area I was went out every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday from 4-6pm. If you had a generator, great, if not, lights out for 2 hours. Why, because there was not enough coal/energy supply to sustain the normal energy usage so the government devised this load shedding plan for the entire country to help assuage the costs. During this trip, we didn’t have these power outages because the government raised the electricity costs by 40% instead. Gotta love that! I don’t even know if it’s worth mentioning the crime rate here. So of course they’re beefing up the police force. Good thing for people who’ll get jobs during this time but what happens when the festivities end? Will the economy be stimulated enough to sustain itself or will it crumble in the aftermath?

It seems to me that SA is taking a huge leap of faith by agreeing to host this thing, in the hopes that hosting the World Cup will “put South Africa on the map”. See right there is where I’m like get the f%&k outta here. How many of us have not heard of freaking South Africa? Nelson Mandela, hello!!

Ask 10 (black) Americans to name some countries on the continent of Africa (first make sure that those 10 people know that Africa itself is not a country) and I am almost positive that South Africa, Nigeria, Ghana, Egypt, Senegal (maybe folks who realize that Senegalese twists are called that for a reason), Ethiopia & Somalia (thanks to all those ‘Save the Children’ TV campaigns), Rwanda (thanks to Don Cheadle), Kenya (cause they always win for running at the Olympics, sorry), Sierra Leon (blood diamonds), and maybe Cote D’Ivoire and the Congo. Zimbabwe’s getting a lot of airplay on the global news scene now (maybe on BBC, not FOX news) thanks to Robert Mugabe’s thuggish ways but I have a colleague here who’s from Zimbabwe who worked in Malawi and was asked by a South African recruiter if Malawi was a town in Zimbabwe, which BTW shares a border with South Africa.

Some of the countries listed above are questionable depending on one’s global (African) scope of awareness but I don’t care what they try to sell me, South Africa is on the damn map!!! Cut the jokes and tell us the real reason why you’re gambling with this country that’s already in economic dire straits. Oh that’s right you won’t. I got my own theories though.

I’d love to meet people from or that have visited places in Africa that I’ve never heard of for real. Right I am obsessed with everything about the entire continent.

Selfish People

2008-07-28T14:28:00.004-04:00

See me, I get great pleasure in doing things and even going the extra mile to make people happy and comfortable, especially when I’m not obligated to do so. It just makes me feel good! But I have seen and it’s finally sinking in that it’s the nature of people to just be selfish and unappreciative and they will find something unsatisfactory with your efforts and harp on that regardless of whatever else you’ve done that is great. That mess cracks me up.

So this weekend I WORKED!! I’ve worked an average of 11 hours per day since I’ve been in SA but I have not complained because it’s all for the cause. But this weekend we embarked on a MISSION to set up a new office, not just an office, an entire 1535 square meter, 4 story building, you do the math…

I did all that I felt was necessary to get this right, from managing vendors, screaming and kicking to get things right to hunching over a hoover and vacuuming every inch of this building myself to make it beautiful, I’m talking breaking out the furniture polish and everything! Because let’s be honest; presentation is everything. Why build a fabulous new house and hand it over to the new owners, filthy? Since this is SA and people (smart for them) don’t work on the weekend, I had to put on my maid hat and get busy and honestly, I did so happily because no one forced me to, you know?

Fast forward to this morning, the first thing people started doing was complaining about the smallest things; “my ceiling tile in my office is open”. Okay well, the alarm company is making some changes to the system because it’s too sensitive and we had 3 false alarms over the weekend! “Why didn’t we get the white boards and art work hung up over the weekend”? WTF? Okay how about we moved two offices into this building over the weekend and hanging paintings was not in the scope of work for the movers or me for that matter! “This light bulb is out”. “We need to build a climate controlled area for these HIV test kits”. Okay why in the world did you not give me that specification (even though I asked each manager) before construction? Let me call my architect and engineers up and handle that right fast. Then my favorite; “I want my desk this way because I don’t want to look up and stare someone in the face, and when you turn it around I want this bloody screen off because it won’t look right”. Okay well, the way you want it won’t allow the door to open all the way or grant you proper egress from your desk to the door and the reason the screen is there is because the Chief wanted me to make the best use of all the old screens that we’ve already invested in and I did my best to grant that wish. So basically you want me to break fire code regulations to make you happy? I’ll get right on that. It might sit better with me if they at least ASKED instead of demanding but honestly, if it were me and I knew that on Friday I was working in one office and I came in on Monday morning and the contents of that office had been moved to a gorgeous new one with all my shit in it and intact, not to mention all my necessary electronics had been moved, set up and WORKING, I would just unpack, enjoy all the natural sunlight seeping in through the huge floor to ceiling windows in my office, eat me a slice of the “welcome to our new office” cake and Shut the hell up!! But hey, that’s just me.

This feels like making a “just because” elaborate dinner for your man, cleaning HIS whole house from top to bottom just to make the load lighter on him and he comes home and says “that’s all you’ve done”? Or, “why didn’t you make a loaded baked potato to accompany that steak instead of steak fries”? Or for a man; noting a favorite new CD in your girl’s car and copping some tickets for her to see that artist in a town nearby and she says “oh you too cheap to buy front row seats”? Some people are so “obliviously selfish”, but I digress...

If I Was Your Girlfriend

2008-07-27T13:32:00.003-04:00

I've got a confession.

This strong, intelligent, independent, free spirited, successful beautiful black woman gets lonely sometimes. Yes, there I've said it and guess what? I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!! I know plenty more just like me!

Okay now I know it seems like I'm stating the obvious but apparently I'm not. I got an email from a well meaning friend this week that stated the he watched CNN's Black in America, particularly the episode where they featured a successful black woman who was content with the idea of never getting married and it made him think of me! I know he meant well because he KNOWS me and knows my stance on marriage and committed relationships but I have to admit that I had a WTF moment after reading his email. I was like WTF is he trying to say, that I'll never get married if I so choose? Then I realized that the answer is YES. Not that he necessarily thinks so but apparently all signs point to the fact that my chances of being married are slim. Lucky for me, as I stand right now, I'm not overly enthralled with the idea of getting married but I do desire companionship, preferably with a black man! The fact is yes, I don't need a man for material things but I NEED and desire a strong black man that is willing to give me all the intangibles that money can't buy and I think I'm speaking for myself and a host of other black women that I know. WE NEED YOU and WE WANT YOU, so get your mind right and come be with us and let's work this out together!

Unfortunately intelligent women don't always make intelligent decisions when it comes to men, loneliness and the like. Case in point...

There's this man that I love and want so much that I feel like a raggedy bitch all the time because of my desire for him. I do things that I question the appropriateness of and I just want his energy around me all the time. I want him to do and say certain things but he can't and he won't and I get really frustrated and I feel disappointed at times. But who can I blame but myself, because I know that he has a girlfriend. We don't cross the line and we've both resigned to being "just friends".

The intelligent part of me wants to say, I'm done...totally! Fuck the pseudo friendship, forget the random times spent together, forget the possibilities and thinking of how happy we could be "if I was his girlfriend". If he wants me and loves me and misses me, he'll be with me and not someone else. It's just that simple. It's been a year and we’re still not together. Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!

Then I find myself getting so emotional over little things. I save voice messages for as long as the voicemail box will hold them just so I can replay them and smile to myself. I get mad when he doesn't respond to emails; I get so excited when he does. I love the sound of his voice in my ear...man I got it bad! But this is so silly and I know I'm better than this. It's not a positive reflection of who I am and it makes me so angry with myself that I'm going through this. What is wrong with me? Why haven’t I yet snapped out of this trance?

One of my sheroes, Harriet Tubman shares in her biography that after she escaped slavery, she planned to come back for her husband. She toiled as a laborer, cleaned after white folks and saved her money, bought him a wardrobe full of clothes, prepared for him and risked her life to go back for him. When she got back, she sent word for him to come and meet her in her hiding place but he'd already taken on another wife! Devastated and feeling betrayed and mad as hell, she almost risked being caught to go back to her former plantation to confront dude! But she thought better of it and decided that "if he could do without her, she could do without him" and she "let him drop out of her heart". From there she shifted her focus from bringing her husband and her immediate family to freedom to bringing as many slaves to freedom as she could. And we're all well aware of her contribution and powerful legacy.

What would her legacy be had she allowed her emotions to get the best of her? What would have been her place in history, none! She’d be just another dead slave who tried to escape but got caught. Over a man who chose someone else. I'm going to take a cue from Harriet, get over myself, and consider the bigger picture...

2008-07-22T06:11:00.010-04:00

Sometimes.... I REALLY HATE MEN!!!!!

I would like to know why some men have the ability to just lie, cheat, and be less than forthcoming without flinching?? I would actually love to have a concrete reason. I mean is it biological? Are men just programmed to be able to detach emotionally thus be able to exhibit the above negative behaviors without caring? I mean WTF is it???!!! Men, please help me with this one.

Yes, I know that some women can be just as deceitful, careless, selfish, etc...but I'm not a lesbian and I don't deal with women, I deal with men so can only speak from that perspective. I know of some selfish ass women that have good men that they take for granted and guess what? Those hoes make me sick too! I can also say that yes, I know some good brothers and I'm thankful for them and I try to show them my appreciation, but even some of the "good ones" do shady shit! Yes, I've been hurt...BAD at least 2 good times but I'm still open to the possibilities, but how many times is someone supposed to put themselves out there, just to get burned?

Thankfully, I am not talking about a personal situation right now, but I'm mad for someone else. My girl cut off a lot of people and was ready to make some pretty drastic sacrifices for the sake of having someone real and starting a family with a man that presented himself as God fearing, honest, loyal, and ready!! But he was still fucking his ex-girlfriend. So now she's devastated and has had her life changed over some bullshit. This pisses me off because it's not the first time and she was so sincere...I feel so bad for her and I'm not going to disclose all the details, but for real I could not even sleep last night and I just prayed for her and asked God to restore whatever's been broken in her physically, spiritually and emotionally. I just want to know why?? Is she perfect? No. Are any of us? But when can a woman really let her guard down and know that she's found her rest?

I like to learn from other people's experiences as much as possible and I think one thing I'm learning from this is that I need to more careful about the karma that I put out because somehow it will come back. I need to really stop trying to do it my way and listen to the voice of God when it comes to everything, especially these relationships. So my advice to her (as I STRUGGLED to find a comforting word) was to seek God and ask what she's to learn from this. What is the grander plan? I am so blown and I feel like her situation is mine. I guess it's because I love her and was so excited for her, thinking that she'd found what she wanted, that she'd found a reason to let her guard down and rest...I guess not, at least not quite yet...

Mandela, Zebras and Lions

2008-07-20T16:23:00.009-04:00

I’m 6 hours ahead of Washington, so it’s about 7pm on Sunday and my weekend is more or less a wrap! But it’s all good, because it was excellent!! I’m sitting reminiscing on everything and I can’t even believe all the things that I’ve been able to experience so far this year and the opportunities that are coming my way. I’m in awe. WOW!! I have been to Ghana to unite with my (long lost) family, the Caribbean with my girls and I’m now enjoying my second trip to South Africa, courtesy of my J.O.B. Who could ask for more? I am so thankful and I appreciate all these blessings so much that I can’t fully encapsulate my emotions in words. Okay maybe one word, GOD!!!!

Back to this weekend; I actually stood on the premises where the great Nelson Mandela and others involved in the struggle against apartheid were once held prisoner. Mandela or "Madiba" (an honorary title adopted by elders of his clan) as he’s referred to in SA along with others led the revolution that eventually awakened the rest of the world to the situation in South Africa. Through sanctions, protests, and intervention from global powers, the Apartheid regime was ended in 1994 and Mr. Mandela was elected President of South Africa; but not after spending 27 years of his life in prison simply for demanding freedom and justice in the land of his birth. Can you image? Honestly, 1994 was only 5 minutes ago in the historic landscape and the aftermath of apartheid can still be well felt in South Africa. This is still a very segregated country, especially in the Western Cape area. I’ve been told that Johannesburg has a larger population of middle class blacks, but I’ve yet to visit Johannesburg. The other thing that I hear that’s synonymous with Jo’Burg is the high crime rate. Now I’m not crazy and I try to use wisdom but I kind of smell foul play when the area with the most well off black people in this country is also black balled with the violence stigma. Maybe it’s as bad as they say and I’m being a conspiracy theorist or naïve, but I still want to visit this place, and I will.

July 18 was also Mr. Mandela's 90th birthday so the whole country has been in celebration mode. This made the visit to Robben Island so much more meaningful. There were people from all over the world on the tour, what an awesome impact he's had on humanity.

Happy Birthday Madiba!!!! Thank you for your selfless sacrifice for freedom, your leadership, strength, and courage. And for being a revolutionary.

Saturday we hit the marketplace again and I got some commerce goods to bring back to the states. I got orders, I got customers and now I’ve got some more supply! LOL!

Today we went on a safari at a private game reserve. It was really cool. Of course the animals aren’t allowed to totally run wild, well they are because they aren’t behind a cage like a zoo, but they seem pretty trained to stay in their lane. I also heard that the tour guides have guns and they aren’t afraid to use them, but overall it was a great experience, topped by the fact that we did our tour on horseback!!! That right there made the whole experience so worthwhile. I had never ridden a horse. I’ve taken a 5 minute guided ride at church picnics and such like any other child, but never really rode a horse, until today. The tour was two hours on horseback and then we got in the car to get closer to the lions, who are actually a bit more contained because, well because they are lions and they just don’t play as nice as other animals. The only disappointing thing was that the lions were in chill mode by the time we got to them and they weren’t in the mood to come closer for photo ops. Also the elephants were MIA. After all they are allowed to roam around so I had to just get over it. Back to the horses, that was great! After I got off I was so darn sore, wow!! I thought I was in shape, ha!!

My weekend was great and I’m ready to get back to work. I have a LOT to do and I'm prepared to handle any drama that might ensue, like the true soldier that I am.

Peace

Annoyed as Hell!!!!!

2008-07-18T04:01:00.002-04:00

I need to vent.

I hate the fact that the organization I work for has senior management that can spend donor/public funds like it’s going out of style! If I have any complaints about my job, that’s the biggest one! Like WTF, this is not our money!! Yes we have a resource development group that works hard and do an excellent job at fund raising but ultimately the reason why Bill Gates, the Rockefeller Foundation and others give so much damn money to us is because of the freaking mission. We don’t have a product that we’re selling. We’re not a law firm billing hours to clients, we don’t provide any services as engineers do to generate this income.

We are tasked with finding HIV prevention options for women in disadvantaged situations, not fattening the pockets of rich, white men is the very country that these same women (black) have been oppressed in for years and are still economically, socially, and politically disenfranchised. This is some bullshit and as the project manager for this particular project, I am not going to allow this organization to simply give into to these creeps! They have breached our contract and now they want us to pay X amount of money for charges that they are alleging as ours with NO proper documentation, official invoices, change in scope orders, etc? Hell No! I know that the approach to just pay it is due to the fact that we “have the money”, “it’s in rand and not dollars”, and we just want to be done with this” but so what? I don’t think this is proper business practice. So we pay this money and when we’re audited what’ll be the justification? And of course the auditors will be looking to me for an explanation. So with all due respect Mr. CFO, I disagree with your approach and at the end of the day I have to be able to sleep at night. You may not have the time or energy to fight this, but I do. Isn’t this why you sent me all the way to Africa, to manage this process? Well let me do my job, I’ve got all day! I can’t stand to see us waste money (I could think of a million others ways to spend R300,000) and I know this is bigger than me but I’ve gotta do my part and I’m starting with you…

Dear Mr. CFO,

I understand that the ultimate decision in this transaction is yours, but I respectfully disagree with this approach…

2008-07-14T03:43:00.008-04:00

This weekend was so nice!! One of our colleagues volunteered to show us around and took us shopping and for drinks at one of the wine farms in Paarl. Later she took us back to her home and we hand a Braai aka a barbecue, bka a cookout! Only it was cold out so we brought the food inside to eat. South Africans are serious about food.

It's strange because I don't feel as foreign to all of this since I've been here once before and it feels kind of nice to be able to show other people that have never been here around a bit. We took a cab into Cape Town over the weekend and the cab driver did not know where he was going. As soon as we got lost, I knew it. He was not even saying anything but I was like, "dude I don't think we're going to right way". We did some shopping on the open market and then we went to the waterfront and visited my favorite store. It’s a t-shirt store that boasts to be the "Greatest T-Shirt Store in the World" and until I see one better, I am inclined to believe it. They have all kinds of T-shirts, hoodies and trucker hats. My friend was going crazy! I bought a few for me as well as some gifts. I love the fact that a good selection of the tees are locally manufactured. I try to buy those.

I went to the Body Shop at the mall and found a new love! A few years ago I went to visit my girlfriend in NYC and she gave me some Crème Brule body stuff by Laura Mercier. I love, love, love this stuff and I often give it away as gifts. But man it's pricey, so in these economically difficult times, I now have the Body Shop's Brazil Nut line to supplement with. Love it!! I know this is totally random but that's how serious I am about pampering and how stoked I am about this discovery! My only question is why did I have to come all the way to South Africa to find this?

I have not exercised in one whole week and I feel so out of sorts. I am on a mission to find a gym to do some weights in and I am running again, stating this evening. Last week I was staying at work late and it gets dark here at like 6pm, not exactly safe for a runner in a foreign land. But I did bring a jump rope and my resistance band, but have not skipped one turn with the rope since I've been here and been stuff my face with food and wine. But I'm loving every minute! LOL, sometimes, you just gotta let go....

I think I'm on the brink of an important and life changing decision. I believe I am ready to decide that I see me living abroad within the next 3 years. Yes abroad, preferably in Africa. I know it's calling me, but will I answer? I know I want to relocate and I know that I love Africa!! Okay I've only been to two countries in Africa but I love both. I guess that's the same thing as someone that's only been to Washington saying that they love America. Of course there are details that I would need to iron out but man, I can so see it!

My ex called to say he was "just thinking about" me and hoping that "everything was going well". I was surprised but I thought that was sweet of him, considering that no one else has called or even sent a text. The ironic thing is that earlier while I was at the market I saw the most amazing gift for him and I really considered getting it. He is an avid chess player and this gift would be meaningful to him and it was so beautiful and was being sold by a brother from Malawi who is also really into chess. He was really trying to talk to me about chess as if I cared but I obliged him because he was clearly passionate. My girlfriend who knows the history of me and the ex was like “girl, I know you aint about to buy him anything”???!!!! Is it strange that I would consider it? I mean he’s not my enemy and it took a WHILE for me to come around to even speaking to him, but dang. That’s just my heart I guess. All I could think about in that moment was how much he would love this piece...

One last thought, my hair is outta control!!! More on that later...

South Africa....One More Time!!!

2008-07-10T15:53:00.005-04:00

I am writing this while watching Zulu soap operas (I am addicted to them) at a bed & breakfast in Paarl, South Africa. I'm actually in my friend/colleague's hotel room because my room is freezing. Yes it's cold here and it's taking my body a minute to adjust to it. But I'll be alright, I have three more weeks to be here.

When I was leaving on Monday I phoned him from the plane and said something about if I didn't make it, he should know that he's the last person I spoke to. Why did I say that? Of course I made it safely but the turbulence on that plane ride here had me praying in tongues and begging for mercy & forgiveness for my reckless words. I have learned my lesson, trust! I should have just said what I really wanted to say instead of talking crazy.

Also while I was on the plane I had an interesting conversation with a tobacco exec from South Carolina. I work for an HIV prevention non-profit that basically functions like a biotech in that we research and hope to develop viable HIV prevention options for women, specifically women in resource poor countries who are more vulnerable to the disease. Anyway, once I explained this (what a mouthful)to Mr. Tobacco Exec he made some comment about still thinking AIDS was a homosexual disease (ignorance is bliss for some people) and then he just flat out asked me if I'd been "exposed to HIV". He meant to say do I have HIV. I know that I don't THANK GOD but I laughed to myself because I have always pretty much figured that some people wonder that when I tell them about the line of work I'm in but just never had the nerve to ask, but this old man just came straight out and asked. I think that when it comes to this topic more people should just ask and as a matter of fact more open dialogue would probably prevent a lot of new HIV infections, yes indeed. (End of soap box)

So far it's going well and I am so excited to be here. I've been very busy since I touched down and I had to give a few Afrikaans (white) men a piece of my mind today, but it's all good. In the end I am here to do a job and I don't scare easily. You can really feel the racism here and I've confirmed with others that it's not just my imagination. Basically this architect was trying to breach our contract and I was not having it. My boss does not even know about it yet and I hope to have it all sorted out without having to dish on the drama. I've got it covered though.

I am trying to make my way into Cape Town this weekend for some business (personal entrepreneurial venture) and some action! Paarl is pretty to look at and has plenty of good wine but is boring as hell. Cape Town is where all the magic happens. LOL!

It's interesting to me that whenever I am away from home I NEVER feel home sick or have an overwhelming desire to come home. I wonder what that means? We'll see how it goes this time. Overall I am loving this opportunity and experience. I am so appreciative, I recognize that I am blessed and I am having the time of my life!!!! I plan to get everything that I can out of it and not take a moment of it for granted.

Peace

Marriage-Real Talk

2008-07-02T21:14:00.004-04:00

“When you get married, you’re forced to drink the milk long after it’s spoiled.”

-Kimora Lee Simmons.

Why do we really want to get married? Meeting men who are "marriage ready" has really got me thinking hard about this. I'm not even going to lie, I flip flop on my desire or lack there of to be married. But as I get older I find myself questioning why I (and others) feel the need to get married. I really want some HONEST dialogue on WHY we want to get married. I don't beleive that being in love with someone is a good enough reason to marry them. I mean real talk, here's my take.

1. I want to be married because from time to time I realize the amount of time I spend alone and it shocks and terrifies me.

2. I want to get married so that I can engage in as much Guilt Free Sex as I like. I was once told that we should be specific in asking God for a mate so I've actually prayed for a man with a sex drive that parallels or exceeds mine; and I was serious.

3. I want to get married because I want children and I prefere not to be a baby mama. However, I am very warm to the idea of adopting and/or being a foster mother to a child/children in need of a loving home. Ironically, engaging in this endeavor as single person is not considered taboo or socially/religiously unacceptable. So I guess it goes back to the sex thing.

4. I want to get married because certain religious doctrines (which I happen to ascribe to) dictate that marriage (between a man and woman)is the only union that is acceptable in the eyes of God, whom I happen to believe in, love and reverence.

5. I want to be married because theoretically, being married will protect me from contracting AIDS, other STD's.

6. I want to be married because I want a partner to hustle with, build with, grow old with, get rich with, get fly with, brainstorm with, you get my drift... and I don't want that partner to just up and leave with my half of the coins in tow without some legal footing (for me) to stand on. F*&# that! I'm keeping it real. There is legal protection against a fool who's lost his damn when you're in a marriage. Plus no matter what day of the week it is, two incomes are always better than one.

So my question is this: Which of the 6 reasons why I want to marry above can not be accomplished in a healthy adult relationship?

I am NOT talking about some trash where someone is cheating, being dishonest, or playing games. I am talking about a situation where two adults agree and WANT to be together, realizing that NO ONE is ever going to be everything to you so let's bring out the best in each other, compliment one another in the areas that we can, and help to build each other up and give it our all until/if we decide that we want out for whatever reason.

For those of us that ascribe to any religious doctrine that sanctifies marriage, if shacking up or pre marital sex were not against the laws of said religion, would you REALLY still feel the need to get married? I will honestly answer no to that question. To me it all comes back to sex! I feel like the only thing above that I can not accomplish in an unmarried situation with a man is "guilt free sex"! Yes this is an area of struggle for me.

From time to time I've had dialogue on marriage with married and unmarried people alike and here is what I've gotten:

1. Marriage is not a natural desire. There is nothing innate within us that make us desire to be with one person for the rest of our lives. We, especially women are raised to believe that marriage is necessary to maintain some semblance of purity, and women also desire marriage for the sake of protecting their children. (I actually think that this desire to protect the child is innate).

2. Marriage does not cure the desire to be with other people sexually, emotionally, or mentally.

3. Some women no longer feel the need to be married once they've fulfilled the desire for children. Some even don't fear being divorced with children because in their head they can say "at least I was married" or these children were conceived within the confines so therefore they are not a "baby mama". Crazy but has actually been said to me!

4. There are married people that would be open to the idea of their mate going out and doing their thing and not be mad as long as they come back home.

Now I have said on several occasions to a few close people that sometimes I feel I lack the maturity that is necessary to forsake all and get married or be in a committed relationship and I really feel like my thoughts are very out the box or even strange. The fact is that I spent most of my adult life with one man and never cheated. I KNOW that this was only possible because we maintained our individual lives and I spent a lot of just "me" time in spite of the fact that I had someone. But I can't have that in a marriage can I? No, and I'm also beginning to see that as I get older most men define being in a relationship as living together and having stuff together, something that I'm completely against; unless of course I were married.

Personally I don't feel the "silent panic" that so many women to marry before 30 frankly because I just find that to be such a silly notion. I might actually respect this notion if I lived in a society where that same pressure were applied to men, but I don't because it's not. I don't know how I'll feel about all this in 5, heck, even 2 years but at this moment I...I just don't know. Maybe I'm just a bitter hater. LOL! Maybe someone else could chime in and help me out.

Hell Dates

2008-07-02T20:18:00.006-04:00

Love is a many strange thing...

When you're feeling someone, often times, they can't or won't commit to you and when you want nothing to do with someone else, they practically stalk you or call you so many times that you're tempted to change your phone number. Why is this!??

I'm somewhere between getting over someone and not wanting to be bothered at all and honestly at this time, I just want to take things easy. I know that I'm rusty when it comes to the dating scene but damn, is this what it really is?

I met this man who wants to be married. I should be stoked right? NOT!! But obviously he believes that simply because HE wants to be married, He's a successful doctor and HE wants me to possibly fill this position, that I should just bow at his feet? I spent an entire date with this man where he blabbed on about him self, ALL his accomplishments, etc...and NEVER once asked me anything about me, most importantly IF I WANT to get married. How can one be so self-absorbed? I spent the entire time imagining myself in a loveless, sexless, bored to tears existence with this dude..even after I told him I don't want all that..he continues to call and text every day claiming to MISS me, WTF?? So basically I had to put on my mean girl face and tell him how I really feel cause this nice girl thing was getting me no where but annoyed.

This other cat, same deal; calls almost everyday and expresses how much he wants to "get in another relationship with a good woman that he can marry because the last chick could not stop her friendships with her male friends". LOL! Hell, I'm that chick!! Has that deterred him at all? Of course not. My girl Bunz always tells me that men love whores, bitches and other women that are just bad for them...I'm starting to think that maybe she's right.

Dear Michelle Obama,

2008-06-22T19:30:00.009-04:00

I was talking to my girl the other day and she made the comment that she "would kill to be Barak Obama's wife”. I asked her why and she said "girl, imagine being married to the most influential black man in the world right now, what could you not do"? I just smiled to myself and asked her "are you sure you want that job, do you have any idea what that woman has gone through and is about to go through as this man's wife"? She fell silent.

The fact is that we have no idea and we will never really know what it's like to walk in your shoes. Frankly I don't want to know because I'm not sure if I (yet) possess the poise and patience required to deal with what's being thrown your way. They try to dismiss and illegitimatize your position as a WIFE by referring to you as "Obama's Baby Mamma". They fear that you will become the new hero and role model for all young girls (black and white, asian, latina, whatever) so they attempt to confuse your passion for anger and say that you are unpatriotic because you dare to be honest about the state of this country. But through it all, you maintain your composure, and you make me proud to be a woman. While black women continuously fight against the legacy of the "Hottentot Venus", and "the video ho" and "baby mama" stereotypes, you arise as an educated, strong, self aware woman, a loving mother and the supportive, dedicated partner and wife to the next President of the United States. You are a trendsetter, you are fly as a kite and no amount of money could buy your class. Best of all, you are making it difficult for them to dump us all into one large "chicken head" coup. The intangibles that you possess could never be taught in any academic setting (not even Harvard), they can only be modeled, and you do it well.

Women like you and Graca Machel, Daphne Valerius, Oprah Winfrey, and Harriet Tubman inspire me. You are literally saying to every young black girl in America, heck in the world (because they're watching too), "yes you can have it all" (your faith, the education, a successful career/business, a good man, children) and still maintain your integrity and sense of self. Being a strong black woman is tough, I know. I too have been labeled angry, intimidating and was even once told that I would need to “dumb myself down” in order to have a man, play the corporate game, or be well liked. You walk the fine line between femininity and strength, passion and temperance and I doubt that you would have made it this far in your career and personal endeavors or even kept the interest of a man like Barak Obama had you been weak, passive, "only seen and not heard" or anything short of the dynamic woman that you are. I am watching you and taking notes.

For every pimp, mack, hustler, R. Kelly, non-committal, dead beat dad or incarcerated black man image, there is your husband, bucking those stereotypes and for every, baby mamma, hoochie, professional welfare hustler, lazy, uneducated black woman image thrown out there, you're standing up to say "no world, don't believe the hype, we are much more than that". And even for those of us that may have lost our way and fallen victim to certain circumstances or even consciously decided to give in to these stereotypes, you are showing another way.

No matter how broad the strokes of negativity that they try to paint us with, they can't (much to their dismay) ignore you, or silence you, or deny that your presence has forever challenged how we are represented and presented to the world. For that, I just wanted to say "thank you". You intrigue me, you excite me, and you inspire me to continue developing the best of who I am.

With love and admiration,

Another Passionate Black Woman

P.S. When you take your post as first lady, please have someone remodel the White House. I hear that it has not been updated since the Kennedy era. Go figure.

Unbelievable

2008-06-18T22:15:00.009-04:00

I'm having a very hectic week. I'm making plans for another out of country business trip. I'm making sure that all is in order for my transition to a new school in the fall. I'm taking care of some personal things as I'll be away for another month and I need to get some business in order. I'm moving, preparing for that as well. Even as I busy myself with all these tasks, and add even more to my plate of overlapping construction projects, closing and making final payments on others, I can't help to think (every 5-10 minutes, like clock work); he's dead, he's really gone and I will never see him again...

All my business and attempt to distract myself from the reality does not take away the fact that on Monday morning, Godmommy phoned to inform me that one of my favorite god cousins died of a heart attack early Monday morning. The way she told it; they went to church and then to dinner, all in celebration of Father's Day of which he celebrated his 10th...he went home around 8pm, at some point late night/early morning, he called his twin brother to say he was having chest pains... at around 4am he was found dead in his home...alone..at 38...of a heart attack. How is that even possible? He was not overweight, quite active in fact. I just don't understand. How is his 10 year old son now fatherless? He is dead, at 38, of a heart attack? Huh?

He just finished telling Godmommy, "tell Gem she aint too grown to come to these here family shindigs". I was in the Bahamas this year, instead of at the family reunion. I remember feeling kind of guilty for not being there too, but how was I to know I would never see him again? He was the chairperson this year and I heard that he did a fabulous job.

I'm dealing with this in my same old non confrontational fashion, trying to be distracted from the pain, by staying busy, by stepping up my game and working even harder to make it, for me and mine, smiling to keep from crying. I've always dealt with death in this very strange manner. I've had people very close to me die and not shed one tear.I know I should let it out and grieve and cry and deal with it head on.

Life is so fragile, precious, and unpredictable, and when I'm done grieving and even during this process, I'm going to live mine like I've never lived before...going hard, for me, mines and in honor of "Twin".

Cure for The Blues...

2008-06-15T20:56:00.010-04:00

"He likes all of you, he gets you, that's why it's so hard for you to get over him. You're afraid you might not find that again".

This is what my girlfriend said to me on Friday regarding how he feels about me, based on what I've shared. She was so on point especially considering the fact that the last man could never just let me be me! There was always some comment about my hair (why I didn't straighten it more often), my eclectic sense of style, my body (always pointing out my flaws) etc. It was exhausting, yet I allowed it. Silly me. But what a relief it was to meet and involve myself with someone that accepts me, and loves me..just for me. Anyway...

I accepted an invitation to see Anita Baker in concert at Wolf Trap on Friday evening. It was a gorgeous night at a beautiful venue, and the show was phenomenal! Anita Baker is so bad, even her sound check is flawless. I really enjoyed myself; great show, good company..I'm glad I accepted. But the entire night, I suppressed the urge to burst into tears. I charged it to the fact that Anita's music is primarily about love so I was not too hard on myself! I also did not want to have to explain an emotional reaction to "I Just Want to be Your Girl"...so I fought back the tears. Through the follow up dinner at Cheesecake Factory, I held them in...Until finally, I got home, washed the day off, crawled into my bed and just cried. I cried, while I remembered every moment; from our first meeting on that balmy summer morning, to the last awkward moment we shared on Friday afternoon, I thought about the potential that I/we know exists and how sad I am that it seems to be lost..for good. For the frustration and stupidness I feel for allowing myself to fall in love with him, for not heeding the warnings of well meaning friends, for using my heart and not my head, for always imagining him at home with me, for the foot rubs and kisses that I miss, for the fact that this was the first and last time I would indulge myself in sorrow over this situation, and yes, even for that ticket I got on my way home that night..I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried...until I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up on Saturday morning, I felt foggy, soggy, and I lacked the desire to get out of bed. I quickly realized that I had the BLUES! So pulled out my arsenal of vices for getting back to me. I went running until the speedometer read 5 miles, I came back home, filled my environment with great music, took a pampering bath, danced while I picked out my fro, put on a chic outfit and some fierce makeup then I went shopping...for groceries! I came back home and whipped up some fresh guacamole and shrimp quesadillas (while in heels), ate and spent some quality time with me. I felt like my diva self again. LOL!

Later that evening, I had another date. It was nice.