Sometimes I feel obligated to NEver lament about how hard it can be (to the flesh) to live for Christ.
My flesh wants what it wants and it's only my love and desire to live for God that tells it to shut up!
But I fail, a lot! I give in to my flesh and rationalize it, and then God uses my messy situation to show me my own impure heart to bring me to repentance.
The truth is, I STRugglE with waiting on My God guy. I try to fill that void with other stuff. Other men, work, clothes, being cute, social media, being successful, even working out. I still resent the "quiet season" and I still have not learned to take my sometimes loneliness like a woMAN.
So this time, I wanted some one-one male attention. It's something I crave often; masculine energy and attention.
I got exactly what I wanted and now I'm not even sure it was a good idea. Actually, if I'm honest, it was a bad idea...confirmed by the fact that old jealous emotions came back. And frankly, the only reason why the situation that occurred bothered me so much, is because I allowed myself to reconnect emotionally. It took lots of prayer, tears and a late night work out session to be OK again.
The problem with sin is the flesh is insatiable! Giving in once is like the beginning of a prolonged food binge. You only stop once you can no longer fit into your favorite jeans, or you throw up.
I need to do better about guarding my heart. I can only give Agape love.
But how can you explain this stuff to an unbeliever? They'll just think this Christian thing is too hard! They'll say something like "what's wrong with enjoying time with me?"
God is not mean, He just wants what's best for me. I don't have the luxury of acting without conscious because I gave Him permission to be my conscious. I won't go back.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Contentment
"become content in God alone, and then He will send your mate..."
that statement,and variations thereof is what I've been told, read, etc about what God's requirement (of me) is before He will deem me ready for my mate, and usher him into my life.
i'll confess, that statement haunts, disturbs, and frustrates me. and often makes me feel inadequate and undeserving.
yes, i believe that i should be content and totally dependent on God. but i believe that this should be my posture while single AND as a wife. no?
...and what about the people who are married and only now searching for a relationship with God? did God not require this prerequisite of them...?
lastly, what does this "contentment" look, feel, and act like? am i required to not even think about a man? like ever? i've heard the same (now married) women-- who've mentioned the opening quote, say that when they met their now husbands they "weren't even THINKING about no man!" it was just them and Jesus & that was enough. in fact one even said they told God, if He decided not to send them a husband, they were fine with that; then suddenly the windows of heaven opened up and poured them out a man...
the interesting thing is i've NEVER heard a (Christian) man talk like this. they simply, decided to choose a wife, found a good woman, got married..."and found favor with the Lord"...
listen, i love God, i really do. and i'm always trying to think of how i can get even closer to Him. i have a deep relationship with Him, i serve, i give. no, i am not doing any of these things to strong arm God into sending me a husband or anything else. i know i can't even manipulate God in that way, even if i wanted to. He knows my heart. i am not perfect. no. but i do think, daydream, fantasize, wish for, talk about & pray for a male friend, a companion, a date, and eventually a husband OFTEN! yet i multitask all this pontificating with maintaining a fulfilling career, my ministry, having a life, exploring my interests, enjoying my family & friends loving my God, etc.
is there something else i ought to be doing? am i wrong? is God not pleased with me? do i disappoint Him? is he angry with me and punishing me? i know it’s a question of faith and i believe it will happen. i also know that many of God’s promises & provisions come with a prerequisite. i am required to do something. is this one of those? and am i even close to doing my part?
i find myself confused here. even in the Bible God said it was "not good" for man to be alone, after calling everything else He'd done "very good". so i wonder, what gives?
i do know that adam was content just doing his job and being with God, not even realizing that he was lonely...but adam was perfect and didn't have the burden of a sinful, lustful heart...
i was told recently that "lust" is wanting whatever you desire NOW! so maybe that's my issue..i'm lusting for/after a man...?
i'd like to add; for the longest time i did not even want to pray about no darn husband to God. it seemed silly, desperate and a waste of time. i did not want to become "that chick". in retrospect, i'm afraid i've become "that chick". YIKES!
that statement,and variations thereof is what I've been told, read, etc about what God's requirement (of me) is before He will deem me ready for my mate, and usher him into my life.
i'll confess, that statement haunts, disturbs, and frustrates me. and often makes me feel inadequate and undeserving.
yes, i believe that i should be content and totally dependent on God. but i believe that this should be my posture while single AND as a wife. no?
...and what about the people who are married and only now searching for a relationship with God? did God not require this prerequisite of them...?
lastly, what does this "contentment" look, feel, and act like? am i required to not even think about a man? like ever? i've heard the same (now married) women-- who've mentioned the opening quote, say that when they met their now husbands they "weren't even THINKING about no man!" it was just them and Jesus & that was enough. in fact one even said they told God, if He decided not to send them a husband, they were fine with that; then suddenly the windows of heaven opened up and poured them out a man...
the interesting thing is i've NEVER heard a (Christian) man talk like this. they simply, decided to choose a wife, found a good woman, got married..."and found favor with the Lord"...
listen, i love God, i really do. and i'm always trying to think of how i can get even closer to Him. i have a deep relationship with Him, i serve, i give. no, i am not doing any of these things to strong arm God into sending me a husband or anything else. i know i can't even manipulate God in that way, even if i wanted to. He knows my heart. i am not perfect. no. but i do think, daydream, fantasize, wish for, talk about & pray for a male friend, a companion, a date, and eventually a husband OFTEN! yet i multitask all this pontificating with maintaining a fulfilling career, my ministry, having a life, exploring my interests, enjoying my family & friends loving my God, etc.
is there something else i ought to be doing? am i wrong? is God not pleased with me? do i disappoint Him? is he angry with me and punishing me? i know it’s a question of faith and i believe it will happen. i also know that many of God’s promises & provisions come with a prerequisite. i am required to do something. is this one of those? and am i even close to doing my part?
i find myself confused here. even in the Bible God said it was "not good" for man to be alone, after calling everything else He'd done "very good". so i wonder, what gives?
i do know that adam was content just doing his job and being with God, not even realizing that he was lonely...but adam was perfect and didn't have the burden of a sinful, lustful heart...
i was told recently that "lust" is wanting whatever you desire NOW! so maybe that's my issue..i'm lusting for/after a man...?
i'd like to add; for the longest time i did not even want to pray about no darn husband to God. it seemed silly, desperate and a waste of time. i did not want to become "that chick". in retrospect, i'm afraid i've become "that chick". YIKES!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Frustration
I'm not dating anyone. I'm not sexually involved with anyone. I don't talk to or consistently interact with anyone. But here I am, once again; heart attached to, thoughts consumed with and mind focused on some man!...who has no idea. How tragic & pathetic.
I hate this more than anything. I pray about it. Sometimes I cry and talk to my Daddy about it. I ask Him for wisdom and grace to deal with it. It's not even about dude, more my inability to take him or leave him as he seemingly does me. One hint from him that we should get together, and I'm spending my whole day multitasking between work and event planning. I'm so over myself, I wish I could put myself in a time out corner for this mischief. I mean, brother doesn't even know! Yet here I am, writing about him...
I hate this more than anything. I pray about it. Sometimes I cry and talk to my Daddy about it. I ask Him for wisdom and grace to deal with it. It's not even about dude, more my inability to take him or leave him as he seemingly does me. One hint from him that we should get together, and I'm spending my whole day multitasking between work and event planning. I'm so over myself, I wish I could put myself in a time out corner for this mischief. I mean, brother doesn't even know! Yet here I am, writing about him...
Friday, March 2, 2012
Resting
I had a pretty good week; super busy, but good. Perhaps it's the fast, but I feel so focused, less restless, unbothered and at peace. The persistent thoughts of and attention to a certain person are less present. I like that.
Speaking of which, Lambchop put me on to mint.com, which I'm convinced at this point is a God send! It's the last piece of the puzzle that I needed to help me organize and settle some financial goals! I'm really excited about it and I've been telling all who will hear about it...!
My big sister told me that I need to stop trying to be peoples', especially Lambchop's "savior". She believes that he may start to look at me only as a sister in Christ and forget that I'm also an attractive, single, good woman. Lol! I see her point but I don't want to create a contrived interaction between us purely for the sake of being "desirable" to him. It is what it is I guess, but I don't think we're at that place (I know he finds me very attractive) nor can I be fake. However, I have decided to take on the challenge of listening more to him (and others in general) and placing less emphasis on being heard and getting my point across. I don't think becoming a better listener ever hurts. I'm going to work on this...
I'm not satisfied with my current living situation long term. I'm not feeling being a renter at all, though I have no desire to move back into my townhouse. To be transparent, I didn't want to buy more property before getting married. My thought is/was that I didn't want to have too many ties to one area, in case my husband lives out of the area, state, country, continent, etc. symbolically I want to go and be with my husband where he is and not the other way around. I've now decided to live my life and leave all that to the Lord to handle when the time comes.
In the meantime, I want to put myself in a posture financially to buy another property, specifically a condo in DC. That's what I want to do by the end of this year...to at least be engaged in that process...We'll see what my Daddy has to say about it because I've started praying about it.
Speaking of which, Lambchop put me on to mint.com, which I'm convinced at this point is a God send! It's the last piece of the puzzle that I needed to help me organize and settle some financial goals! I'm really excited about it and I've been telling all who will hear about it...!
My big sister told me that I need to stop trying to be peoples', especially Lambchop's "savior". She believes that he may start to look at me only as a sister in Christ and forget that I'm also an attractive, single, good woman. Lol! I see her point but I don't want to create a contrived interaction between us purely for the sake of being "desirable" to him. It is what it is I guess, but I don't think we're at that place (I know he finds me very attractive) nor can I be fake. However, I have decided to take on the challenge of listening more to him (and others in general) and placing less emphasis on being heard and getting my point across. I don't think becoming a better listener ever hurts. I'm going to work on this...
I'm not satisfied with my current living situation long term. I'm not feeling being a renter at all, though I have no desire to move back into my townhouse. To be transparent, I didn't want to buy more property before getting married. My thought is/was that I didn't want to have too many ties to one area, in case my husband lives out of the area, state, country, continent, etc. symbolically I want to go and be with my husband where he is and not the other way around. I've now decided to live my life and leave all that to the Lord to handle when the time comes.
In the meantime, I want to put myself in a posture financially to buy another property, specifically a condo in DC. That's what I want to do by the end of this year...to at least be engaged in that process...We'll see what my Daddy has to say about it because I've started praying about it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Random Thoughts-Friday Night Worship Edition
1. I'm reclaiming my Friday nights!
2. No more staying at work until 10pm, avoiding the thick presence of "loneliness" that awaits me at home.
3. Theres something about the close of the work week, the decrease in Facebook and Twitter updates that reminds me that I have no family of my own to spend the weekend with.
4. But indeed I have the Lord at my side. I am never alone.
5. Tonight I came home, had a great workout. Now I'm listening to worship music.
6. I'm preparing to enter into His presence and read the Word.
7. I'm going to read the entire Bible from cover to cover this year!
8. I'm tired tonight. Eyes burning!
9. I'm not Catholic and not really a fan of religious practices but I believe Lent can be quietly observed as a time of denying the flesh (fasting) by any believer and used as a time to press harder into the things of God.
10. So that's my purpose for observing. I don't choose to broadcast what I'm "giving up".
11. My brother is the only person I shared with. As he also shared with me. I really love my brother. He's a courageous man of God, a legit husband and great Dad.
12. I was supposed to go to a marriage enrichment seminar that started tonight at my church. "Singles" were invited.
13. I guess I didn't want to go that bad, I only remembered as I was taking my post workout shower. Lol! They can have my money as a donation for the guest speakers. They are from South Africa & they are awesome!
14. There is no condemnation. I'm purposefully not going tomorrow either.
15. I want to go for a long run, wash my car, get an oil change. Relax and read my Word. Maybe hit the mall...i need some beauty products and an iPhone case.
16. Speaking of marriage, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have sex again. Sometimes I miss having sex...and I think about it
17....and then I repent.
18. I miss "him"; as much trash as I talk about him, or try and pretend I'm so over him. I miss his voice. I dig his super masculine energy. I would like to get to know him better. Maybe spend more time together...I think we both misunderstood each other.
19. We never even kissed. Sometimes, I wish we had. Just once...nothing too intense...gently.
20. I want to know what his lips taste like. They look soft.
21. My lips are bigger than his. For some reason I always consider that fact! Lol!
22. I wish he REALLY wanted me. But he doesn't. It's ok. Someday, somebody (great) will...and they will be blessed to have me.
23. I'll be stronger, better and wiser after these 40 days.
24. God is good! He will take care of me.
25. I got promoted at work...I'm now head of the IT department. Took me 6 years. My journey has been incredible!
26. I practically built this company on my back. I went from the receptionist, to the BOSs! Literally...Wow, look at God!!!!
27. I'm super smart, talented, blessed with skills and I work hard. I'm excited about my future. Hallelujah!
28. I hope I can keep up the work of staying in shape so I can bless my husband with my banging body...it's SO on point right now. Glory! (:)
29. My hope is in the Lord. Before I was even conceived He had a plan to give me hope and a future. He loves me with an everlasting love.
30...and I love Him too.
31. That's enough rambling for now. Time to get into this Word.
32. Speaking of rambling, I wish I didn't "preach" so much. I'm just really passionate and I love to encourage people in the Lord and share His goodness!
33. I witnessed to this homeless man by my job recently. His name is Harold and he suffers from schizophrenia. Some days I see him, I speak, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he has no clue who I am. Other days he sees me from afar and calls me out by name.
34. I bind that spirit of schizophrenia in Jesus's name!
35. Harold is only on the streets for a short time. He is going into a faith based men's shelter in Baltimore soon, where he is going to get job training.
36. He believes in Jesus Christ and he believes God is helping him get his life back! Glory!
37. I pray for Harold a lot.
2. No more staying at work until 10pm, avoiding the thick presence of "loneliness" that awaits me at home.
3. Theres something about the close of the work week, the decrease in Facebook and Twitter updates that reminds me that I have no family of my own to spend the weekend with.
4. But indeed I have the Lord at my side. I am never alone.
5. Tonight I came home, had a great workout. Now I'm listening to worship music.
6. I'm preparing to enter into His presence and read the Word.
7. I'm going to read the entire Bible from cover to cover this year!
8. I'm tired tonight. Eyes burning!
9. I'm not Catholic and not really a fan of religious practices but I believe Lent can be quietly observed as a time of denying the flesh (fasting) by any believer and used as a time to press harder into the things of God.
10. So that's my purpose for observing. I don't choose to broadcast what I'm "giving up".
11. My brother is the only person I shared with. As he also shared with me. I really love my brother. He's a courageous man of God, a legit husband and great Dad.
12. I was supposed to go to a marriage enrichment seminar that started tonight at my church. "Singles" were invited.
13. I guess I didn't want to go that bad, I only remembered as I was taking my post workout shower. Lol! They can have my money as a donation for the guest speakers. They are from South Africa & they are awesome!
14. There is no condemnation. I'm purposefully not going tomorrow either.
15. I want to go for a long run, wash my car, get an oil change. Relax and read my Word. Maybe hit the mall...i need some beauty products and an iPhone case.
16. Speaking of marriage, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have sex again. Sometimes I miss having sex...and I think about it
17....and then I repent.
18. I miss "him"; as much trash as I talk about him, or try and pretend I'm so over him. I miss his voice. I dig his super masculine energy. I would like to get to know him better. Maybe spend more time together...I think we both misunderstood each other.
19. We never even kissed. Sometimes, I wish we had. Just once...nothing too intense...gently.
20. I want to know what his lips taste like. They look soft.
21. My lips are bigger than his. For some reason I always consider that fact! Lol!
22. I wish he REALLY wanted me. But he doesn't. It's ok. Someday, somebody (great) will...and they will be blessed to have me.
23. I'll be stronger, better and wiser after these 40 days.
24. God is good! He will take care of me.
25. I got promoted at work...I'm now head of the IT department. Took me 6 years. My journey has been incredible!
26. I practically built this company on my back. I went from the receptionist, to the BOSs! Literally...Wow, look at God!!!!
27. I'm super smart, talented, blessed with skills and I work hard. I'm excited about my future. Hallelujah!
28. I hope I can keep up the work of staying in shape so I can bless my husband with my banging body...it's SO on point right now. Glory! (:)
29. My hope is in the Lord. Before I was even conceived He had a plan to give me hope and a future. He loves me with an everlasting love.
30...and I love Him too.
31. That's enough rambling for now. Time to get into this Word.
32. Speaking of rambling, I wish I didn't "preach" so much. I'm just really passionate and I love to encourage people in the Lord and share His goodness!
33. I witnessed to this homeless man by my job recently. His name is Harold and he suffers from schizophrenia. Some days I see him, I speak, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he has no clue who I am. Other days he sees me from afar and calls me out by name.
34. I bind that spirit of schizophrenia in Jesus's name!
35. Harold is only on the streets for a short time. He is going into a faith based men's shelter in Baltimore soon, where he is going to get job training.
36. He believes in Jesus Christ and he believes God is helping him get his life back! Glory!
37. I pray for Harold a lot.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Growth!
I sat up and read some past posts from my blog today. How shallow and one dimensional was I? Not to mention I cursed in writing? Oooohhhh…LOL!
The origin of this blog was for me to have a place to vent my frustrations about an unrequited love. That went on for entirely too long. Save for a few posts here and there about work, school, clothes, etc, it was all about him! I think it's hilarious (and somewhat pathetic) now but that's just where I was and GLORY to GOD I'm not anymore! There's a part of me that wanted to delete some old posts. I really don't know if I'd want people I know (that I didn’t know then) to read it. But I decided that it's a good way for them to even get to know more of me. I'm at a place in my life that I want to be transparent because I believe it will help someone. After all, my life is not my own! My testimony is for God’s use.
I look forward to using this blog as a point of reflection though, so that I can continue to see what God has done and is doing in my life.
With that said, I’m so thankful for growth! Wow! Amen...
The origin of this blog was for me to have a place to vent my frustrations about an unrequited love. That went on for entirely too long. Save for a few posts here and there about work, school, clothes, etc, it was all about him! I think it's hilarious (and somewhat pathetic) now but that's just where I was and GLORY to GOD I'm not anymore! There's a part of me that wanted to delete some old posts. I really don't know if I'd want people I know (that I didn’t know then) to read it. But I decided that it's a good way for them to even get to know more of me. I'm at a place in my life that I want to be transparent because I believe it will help someone. After all, my life is not my own! My testimony is for God’s use.
I look forward to using this blog as a point of reflection though, so that I can continue to see what God has done and is doing in my life.
With that said, I’m so thankful for growth! Wow! Amen...
I Am Through with Dating!!!
I read this today and it TOTALLY confirmed everything the Lord has been speaking to me through His Word, prayers and other godly resources, regarding dating, or lack thereof.
Tell Dating to Go to Hell
I am no longer a part of this dating/hook up culture. I'm done! My journey is to allow God to reveal my own heart to me and mold me into a woman and wife that would be pleasing to him and a blessing to my husband. That's it. I don't have to go on countless dates to discover a mate. I don’t need to go online, doll up & insert myself in any clubs, go speed dating, ask to be hooked up, etc. God’s got me! I’ve seen Him do it before and I know He shows no favoritism! (Acts 10:34)
I believe that God's paradigm for relationships is this:
1. Service-be associated with people of both genders in all purity (1 Timothy 5), pray for them, dwell with them according to the fruits of the Spirit. This is the time to discover marriage traits in a person of the opposite sex, from afar and without emotional involvement. I read somewhere that you can glean 75 percent of what you need to know about a person (the things that really matter to God for marriage) just by being associated with them. Upon further reflection, I find this to be true.
2. Friendship- with spoken and understood intent of marriage. This is the appropriate point to share a wee bit more emotional intimacy, and get to know the person on a slightly deeper level. This is NOT the time to discover everything about the person to see if they are what we want to marry. During this time you’ll get the other 10-15 percent of what you need to know about a person prior to marriage.
3. Covenant-After we marry then and only then should we discover each other sexually and give of our selves over fully in emotional and physical intimacy.
As we graduate from one level to the next we never leave the principles of the last level behind. We only add to them. We are always to be in service and it's best to be in covenant with someone that you've grown to know and love as a friend. I think the world culture tries to get it right by saying things like "be friends first, date your best friend," etc. But I believe where we fall short is the order of things. Most "friends" that are dating in the world, are also having sex outside of the covenant of marriage and the people in the relationship think it's about them and getting their needs met and we forget about truly serving the other person. The difference with God's plan is that it's done in decency and in order and in the right timing.
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! If nothing else He's way smarter than me and what I've done in the past has not worked!!! I've decided to trust HIM instead...
Tell Dating to Go to Hell
I am no longer a part of this dating/hook up culture. I'm done! My journey is to allow God to reveal my own heart to me and mold me into a woman and wife that would be pleasing to him and a blessing to my husband. That's it. I don't have to go on countless dates to discover a mate. I don’t need to go online, doll up & insert myself in any clubs, go speed dating, ask to be hooked up, etc. God’s got me! I’ve seen Him do it before and I know He shows no favoritism! (Acts 10:34)
I believe that God's paradigm for relationships is this:
1. Service-be associated with people of both genders in all purity (1 Timothy 5), pray for them, dwell with them according to the fruits of the Spirit. This is the time to discover marriage traits in a person of the opposite sex, from afar and without emotional involvement. I read somewhere that you can glean 75 percent of what you need to know about a person (the things that really matter to God for marriage) just by being associated with them. Upon further reflection, I find this to be true.
2. Friendship- with spoken and understood intent of marriage. This is the appropriate point to share a wee bit more emotional intimacy, and get to know the person on a slightly deeper level. This is NOT the time to discover everything about the person to see if they are what we want to marry. During this time you’ll get the other 10-15 percent of what you need to know about a person prior to marriage.
3. Covenant-After we marry then and only then should we discover each other sexually and give of our selves over fully in emotional and physical intimacy.
As we graduate from one level to the next we never leave the principles of the last level behind. We only add to them. We are always to be in service and it's best to be in covenant with someone that you've grown to know and love as a friend. I think the world culture tries to get it right by saying things like "be friends first, date your best friend," etc. But I believe where we fall short is the order of things. Most "friends" that are dating in the world, are also having sex outside of the covenant of marriage and the people in the relationship think it's about them and getting their needs met and we forget about truly serving the other person. The difference with God's plan is that it's done in decency and in order and in the right timing.
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! If nothing else He's way smarter than me and what I've done in the past has not worked!!! I've decided to trust HIM instead...
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