Sometimes I feel obligated to NEver lament about how hard it can be (to the flesh) to live for Christ.
My flesh wants what it wants and it's only my love and desire to live for God that tells it to shut up!
But I fail, a lot! I give in to my flesh and rationalize it, and then God uses my messy situation to show me my own impure heart to bring me to repentance.
The truth is, I STRugglE with waiting on My God guy. I try to fill that void with other stuff. Other men, work, clothes, being cute, social media, being successful, even working out. I still resent the "quiet season" and I still have not learned to take my sometimes loneliness like a woMAN.
So this time, I wanted some one-one male attention. It's something I crave often; masculine energy and attention.
I got exactly what I wanted and now I'm not even sure it was a good idea. Actually, if I'm honest, it was a bad idea...confirmed by the fact that old jealous emotions came back. And frankly, the only reason why the situation that occurred bothered me so much, is because I allowed myself to reconnect emotionally. It took lots of prayer, tears and a late night work out session to be OK again.
The problem with sin is the flesh is insatiable! Giving in once is like the beginning of a prolonged food binge. You only stop once you can no longer fit into your favorite jeans, or you throw up.
I need to do better about guarding my heart. I can only give Agape love.
But how can you explain this stuff to an unbeliever? They'll just think this Christian thing is too hard! They'll say something like "what's wrong with enjoying time with me?"
God is not mean, He just wants what's best for me. I don't have the luxury of acting without conscious because I gave Him permission to be my conscious. I won't go back.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Contentment
"become content in God alone, and then He will send your mate..."
that statement,and variations thereof is what I've been told, read, etc about what God's requirement (of me) is before He will deem me ready for my mate, and usher him into my life.
i'll confess, that statement haunts, disturbs, and frustrates me. and often makes me feel inadequate and undeserving.
yes, i believe that i should be content and totally dependent on God. but i believe that this should be my posture while single AND as a wife. no?
...and what about the people who are married and only now searching for a relationship with God? did God not require this prerequisite of them...?
lastly, what does this "contentment" look, feel, and act like? am i required to not even think about a man? like ever? i've heard the same (now married) women-- who've mentioned the opening quote, say that when they met their now husbands they "weren't even THINKING about no man!" it was just them and Jesus & that was enough. in fact one even said they told God, if He decided not to send them a husband, they were fine with that; then suddenly the windows of heaven opened up and poured them out a man...
the interesting thing is i've NEVER heard a (Christian) man talk like this. they simply, decided to choose a wife, found a good woman, got married..."and found favor with the Lord"...
listen, i love God, i really do. and i'm always trying to think of how i can get even closer to Him. i have a deep relationship with Him, i serve, i give. no, i am not doing any of these things to strong arm God into sending me a husband or anything else. i know i can't even manipulate God in that way, even if i wanted to. He knows my heart. i am not perfect. no. but i do think, daydream, fantasize, wish for, talk about & pray for a male friend, a companion, a date, and eventually a husband OFTEN! yet i multitask all this pontificating with maintaining a fulfilling career, my ministry, having a life, exploring my interests, enjoying my family & friends loving my God, etc.
is there something else i ought to be doing? am i wrong? is God not pleased with me? do i disappoint Him? is he angry with me and punishing me? i know it’s a question of faith and i believe it will happen. i also know that many of God’s promises & provisions come with a prerequisite. i am required to do something. is this one of those? and am i even close to doing my part?
i find myself confused here. even in the Bible God said it was "not good" for man to be alone, after calling everything else He'd done "very good". so i wonder, what gives?
i do know that adam was content just doing his job and being with God, not even realizing that he was lonely...but adam was perfect and didn't have the burden of a sinful, lustful heart...
i was told recently that "lust" is wanting whatever you desire NOW! so maybe that's my issue..i'm lusting for/after a man...?
i'd like to add; for the longest time i did not even want to pray about no darn husband to God. it seemed silly, desperate and a waste of time. i did not want to become "that chick". in retrospect, i'm afraid i've become "that chick". YIKES!
that statement,and variations thereof is what I've been told, read, etc about what God's requirement (of me) is before He will deem me ready for my mate, and usher him into my life.
i'll confess, that statement haunts, disturbs, and frustrates me. and often makes me feel inadequate and undeserving.
yes, i believe that i should be content and totally dependent on God. but i believe that this should be my posture while single AND as a wife. no?
...and what about the people who are married and only now searching for a relationship with God? did God not require this prerequisite of them...?
lastly, what does this "contentment" look, feel, and act like? am i required to not even think about a man? like ever? i've heard the same (now married) women-- who've mentioned the opening quote, say that when they met their now husbands they "weren't even THINKING about no man!" it was just them and Jesus & that was enough. in fact one even said they told God, if He decided not to send them a husband, they were fine with that; then suddenly the windows of heaven opened up and poured them out a man...
the interesting thing is i've NEVER heard a (Christian) man talk like this. they simply, decided to choose a wife, found a good woman, got married..."and found favor with the Lord"...
listen, i love God, i really do. and i'm always trying to think of how i can get even closer to Him. i have a deep relationship with Him, i serve, i give. no, i am not doing any of these things to strong arm God into sending me a husband or anything else. i know i can't even manipulate God in that way, even if i wanted to. He knows my heart. i am not perfect. no. but i do think, daydream, fantasize, wish for, talk about & pray for a male friend, a companion, a date, and eventually a husband OFTEN! yet i multitask all this pontificating with maintaining a fulfilling career, my ministry, having a life, exploring my interests, enjoying my family & friends loving my God, etc.
is there something else i ought to be doing? am i wrong? is God not pleased with me? do i disappoint Him? is he angry with me and punishing me? i know it’s a question of faith and i believe it will happen. i also know that many of God’s promises & provisions come with a prerequisite. i am required to do something. is this one of those? and am i even close to doing my part?
i find myself confused here. even in the Bible God said it was "not good" for man to be alone, after calling everything else He'd done "very good". so i wonder, what gives?
i do know that adam was content just doing his job and being with God, not even realizing that he was lonely...but adam was perfect and didn't have the burden of a sinful, lustful heart...
i was told recently that "lust" is wanting whatever you desire NOW! so maybe that's my issue..i'm lusting for/after a man...?
i'd like to add; for the longest time i did not even want to pray about no darn husband to God. it seemed silly, desperate and a waste of time. i did not want to become "that chick". in retrospect, i'm afraid i've become "that chick". YIKES!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Frustration
I'm not dating anyone. I'm not sexually involved with anyone. I don't talk to or consistently interact with anyone. But here I am, once again; heart attached to, thoughts consumed with and mind focused on some man!...who has no idea. How tragic & pathetic.
I hate this more than anything. I pray about it. Sometimes I cry and talk to my Daddy about it. I ask Him for wisdom and grace to deal with it. It's not even about dude, more my inability to take him or leave him as he seemingly does me. One hint from him that we should get together, and I'm spending my whole day multitasking between work and event planning. I'm so over myself, I wish I could put myself in a time out corner for this mischief. I mean, brother doesn't even know! Yet here I am, writing about him...
I hate this more than anything. I pray about it. Sometimes I cry and talk to my Daddy about it. I ask Him for wisdom and grace to deal with it. It's not even about dude, more my inability to take him or leave him as he seemingly does me. One hint from him that we should get together, and I'm spending my whole day multitasking between work and event planning. I'm so over myself, I wish I could put myself in a time out corner for this mischief. I mean, brother doesn't even know! Yet here I am, writing about him...
Friday, March 2, 2012
Resting
I had a pretty good week; super busy, but good. Perhaps it's the fast, but I feel so focused, less restless, unbothered and at peace. The persistent thoughts of and attention to a certain person are less present. I like that.
Speaking of which, Lambchop put me on to mint.com, which I'm convinced at this point is a God send! It's the last piece of the puzzle that I needed to help me organize and settle some financial goals! I'm really excited about it and I've been telling all who will hear about it...!
My big sister told me that I need to stop trying to be peoples', especially Lambchop's "savior". She believes that he may start to look at me only as a sister in Christ and forget that I'm also an attractive, single, good woman. Lol! I see her point but I don't want to create a contrived interaction between us purely for the sake of being "desirable" to him. It is what it is I guess, but I don't think we're at that place (I know he finds me very attractive) nor can I be fake. However, I have decided to take on the challenge of listening more to him (and others in general) and placing less emphasis on being heard and getting my point across. I don't think becoming a better listener ever hurts. I'm going to work on this...
I'm not satisfied with my current living situation long term. I'm not feeling being a renter at all, though I have no desire to move back into my townhouse. To be transparent, I didn't want to buy more property before getting married. My thought is/was that I didn't want to have too many ties to one area, in case my husband lives out of the area, state, country, continent, etc. symbolically I want to go and be with my husband where he is and not the other way around. I've now decided to live my life and leave all that to the Lord to handle when the time comes.
In the meantime, I want to put myself in a posture financially to buy another property, specifically a condo in DC. That's what I want to do by the end of this year...to at least be engaged in that process...We'll see what my Daddy has to say about it because I've started praying about it.
Speaking of which, Lambchop put me on to mint.com, which I'm convinced at this point is a God send! It's the last piece of the puzzle that I needed to help me organize and settle some financial goals! I'm really excited about it and I've been telling all who will hear about it...!
My big sister told me that I need to stop trying to be peoples', especially Lambchop's "savior". She believes that he may start to look at me only as a sister in Christ and forget that I'm also an attractive, single, good woman. Lol! I see her point but I don't want to create a contrived interaction between us purely for the sake of being "desirable" to him. It is what it is I guess, but I don't think we're at that place (I know he finds me very attractive) nor can I be fake. However, I have decided to take on the challenge of listening more to him (and others in general) and placing less emphasis on being heard and getting my point across. I don't think becoming a better listener ever hurts. I'm going to work on this...
I'm not satisfied with my current living situation long term. I'm not feeling being a renter at all, though I have no desire to move back into my townhouse. To be transparent, I didn't want to buy more property before getting married. My thought is/was that I didn't want to have too many ties to one area, in case my husband lives out of the area, state, country, continent, etc. symbolically I want to go and be with my husband where he is and not the other way around. I've now decided to live my life and leave all that to the Lord to handle when the time comes.
In the meantime, I want to put myself in a posture financially to buy another property, specifically a condo in DC. That's what I want to do by the end of this year...to at least be engaged in that process...We'll see what my Daddy has to say about it because I've started praying about it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Random Thoughts-Friday Night Worship Edition
1. I'm reclaiming my Friday nights!
2. No more staying at work until 10pm, avoiding the thick presence of "loneliness" that awaits me at home.
3. Theres something about the close of the work week, the decrease in Facebook and Twitter updates that reminds me that I have no family of my own to spend the weekend with.
4. But indeed I have the Lord at my side. I am never alone.
5. Tonight I came home, had a great workout. Now I'm listening to worship music.
6. I'm preparing to enter into His presence and read the Word.
7. I'm going to read the entire Bible from cover to cover this year!
8. I'm tired tonight. Eyes burning!
9. I'm not Catholic and not really a fan of religious practices but I believe Lent can be quietly observed as a time of denying the flesh (fasting) by any believer and used as a time to press harder into the things of God.
10. So that's my purpose for observing. I don't choose to broadcast what I'm "giving up".
11. My brother is the only person I shared with. As he also shared with me. I really love my brother. He's a courageous man of God, a legit husband and great Dad.
12. I was supposed to go to a marriage enrichment seminar that started tonight at my church. "Singles" were invited.
13. I guess I didn't want to go that bad, I only remembered as I was taking my post workout shower. Lol! They can have my money as a donation for the guest speakers. They are from South Africa & they are awesome!
14. There is no condemnation. I'm purposefully not going tomorrow either.
15. I want to go for a long run, wash my car, get an oil change. Relax and read my Word. Maybe hit the mall...i need some beauty products and an iPhone case.
16. Speaking of marriage, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have sex again. Sometimes I miss having sex...and I think about it
17....and then I repent.
18. I miss "him"; as much trash as I talk about him, or try and pretend I'm so over him. I miss his voice. I dig his super masculine energy. I would like to get to know him better. Maybe spend more time together...I think we both misunderstood each other.
19. We never even kissed. Sometimes, I wish we had. Just once...nothing too intense...gently.
20. I want to know what his lips taste like. They look soft.
21. My lips are bigger than his. For some reason I always consider that fact! Lol!
22. I wish he REALLY wanted me. But he doesn't. It's ok. Someday, somebody (great) will...and they will be blessed to have me.
23. I'll be stronger, better and wiser after these 40 days.
24. God is good! He will take care of me.
25. I got promoted at work...I'm now head of the IT department. Took me 6 years. My journey has been incredible!
26. I practically built this company on my back. I went from the receptionist, to the BOSs! Literally...Wow, look at God!!!!
27. I'm super smart, talented, blessed with skills and I work hard. I'm excited about my future. Hallelujah!
28. I hope I can keep up the work of staying in shape so I can bless my husband with my banging body...it's SO on point right now. Glory! (:)
29. My hope is in the Lord. Before I was even conceived He had a plan to give me hope and a future. He loves me with an everlasting love.
30...and I love Him too.
31. That's enough rambling for now. Time to get into this Word.
32. Speaking of rambling, I wish I didn't "preach" so much. I'm just really passionate and I love to encourage people in the Lord and share His goodness!
33. I witnessed to this homeless man by my job recently. His name is Harold and he suffers from schizophrenia. Some days I see him, I speak, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he has no clue who I am. Other days he sees me from afar and calls me out by name.
34. I bind that spirit of schizophrenia in Jesus's name!
35. Harold is only on the streets for a short time. He is going into a faith based men's shelter in Baltimore soon, where he is going to get job training.
36. He believes in Jesus Christ and he believes God is helping him get his life back! Glory!
37. I pray for Harold a lot.
2. No more staying at work until 10pm, avoiding the thick presence of "loneliness" that awaits me at home.
3. Theres something about the close of the work week, the decrease in Facebook and Twitter updates that reminds me that I have no family of my own to spend the weekend with.
4. But indeed I have the Lord at my side. I am never alone.
5. Tonight I came home, had a great workout. Now I'm listening to worship music.
6. I'm preparing to enter into His presence and read the Word.
7. I'm going to read the entire Bible from cover to cover this year!
8. I'm tired tonight. Eyes burning!
9. I'm not Catholic and not really a fan of religious practices but I believe Lent can be quietly observed as a time of denying the flesh (fasting) by any believer and used as a time to press harder into the things of God.
10. So that's my purpose for observing. I don't choose to broadcast what I'm "giving up".
11. My brother is the only person I shared with. As he also shared with me. I really love my brother. He's a courageous man of God, a legit husband and great Dad.
12. I was supposed to go to a marriage enrichment seminar that started tonight at my church. "Singles" were invited.
13. I guess I didn't want to go that bad, I only remembered as I was taking my post workout shower. Lol! They can have my money as a donation for the guest speakers. They are from South Africa & they are awesome!
14. There is no condemnation. I'm purposefully not going tomorrow either.
15. I want to go for a long run, wash my car, get an oil change. Relax and read my Word. Maybe hit the mall...i need some beauty products and an iPhone case.
16. Speaking of marriage, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have sex again. Sometimes I miss having sex...and I think about it
17....and then I repent.
18. I miss "him"; as much trash as I talk about him, or try and pretend I'm so over him. I miss his voice. I dig his super masculine energy. I would like to get to know him better. Maybe spend more time together...I think we both misunderstood each other.
19. We never even kissed. Sometimes, I wish we had. Just once...nothing too intense...gently.
20. I want to know what his lips taste like. They look soft.
21. My lips are bigger than his. For some reason I always consider that fact! Lol!
22. I wish he REALLY wanted me. But he doesn't. It's ok. Someday, somebody (great) will...and they will be blessed to have me.
23. I'll be stronger, better and wiser after these 40 days.
24. God is good! He will take care of me.
25. I got promoted at work...I'm now head of the IT department. Took me 6 years. My journey has been incredible!
26. I practically built this company on my back. I went from the receptionist, to the BOSs! Literally...Wow, look at God!!!!
27. I'm super smart, talented, blessed with skills and I work hard. I'm excited about my future. Hallelujah!
28. I hope I can keep up the work of staying in shape so I can bless my husband with my banging body...it's SO on point right now. Glory! (:)
29. My hope is in the Lord. Before I was even conceived He had a plan to give me hope and a future. He loves me with an everlasting love.
30...and I love Him too.
31. That's enough rambling for now. Time to get into this Word.
32. Speaking of rambling, I wish I didn't "preach" so much. I'm just really passionate and I love to encourage people in the Lord and share His goodness!
33. I witnessed to this homeless man by my job recently. His name is Harold and he suffers from schizophrenia. Some days I see him, I speak, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he has no clue who I am. Other days he sees me from afar and calls me out by name.
34. I bind that spirit of schizophrenia in Jesus's name!
35. Harold is only on the streets for a short time. He is going into a faith based men's shelter in Baltimore soon, where he is going to get job training.
36. He believes in Jesus Christ and he believes God is helping him get his life back! Glory!
37. I pray for Harold a lot.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Growth!
I sat up and read some past posts from my blog today. How shallow and one dimensional was I? Not to mention I cursed in writing? Oooohhhh…LOL!
The origin of this blog was for me to have a place to vent my frustrations about an unrequited love. That went on for entirely too long. Save for a few posts here and there about work, school, clothes, etc, it was all about him! I think it's hilarious (and somewhat pathetic) now but that's just where I was and GLORY to GOD I'm not anymore! There's a part of me that wanted to delete some old posts. I really don't know if I'd want people I know (that I didn’t know then) to read it. But I decided that it's a good way for them to even get to know more of me. I'm at a place in my life that I want to be transparent because I believe it will help someone. After all, my life is not my own! My testimony is for God’s use.
I look forward to using this blog as a point of reflection though, so that I can continue to see what God has done and is doing in my life.
With that said, I’m so thankful for growth! Wow! Amen...
The origin of this blog was for me to have a place to vent my frustrations about an unrequited love. That went on for entirely too long. Save for a few posts here and there about work, school, clothes, etc, it was all about him! I think it's hilarious (and somewhat pathetic) now but that's just where I was and GLORY to GOD I'm not anymore! There's a part of me that wanted to delete some old posts. I really don't know if I'd want people I know (that I didn’t know then) to read it. But I decided that it's a good way for them to even get to know more of me. I'm at a place in my life that I want to be transparent because I believe it will help someone. After all, my life is not my own! My testimony is for God’s use.
I look forward to using this blog as a point of reflection though, so that I can continue to see what God has done and is doing in my life.
With that said, I’m so thankful for growth! Wow! Amen...
I Am Through with Dating!!!
I read this today and it TOTALLY confirmed everything the Lord has been speaking to me through His Word, prayers and other godly resources, regarding dating, or lack thereof.
Tell Dating to Go to Hell
I am no longer a part of this dating/hook up culture. I'm done! My journey is to allow God to reveal my own heart to me and mold me into a woman and wife that would be pleasing to him and a blessing to my husband. That's it. I don't have to go on countless dates to discover a mate. I don’t need to go online, doll up & insert myself in any clubs, go speed dating, ask to be hooked up, etc. God’s got me! I’ve seen Him do it before and I know He shows no favoritism! (Acts 10:34)
I believe that God's paradigm for relationships is this:
1. Service-be associated with people of both genders in all purity (1 Timothy 5), pray for them, dwell with them according to the fruits of the Spirit. This is the time to discover marriage traits in a person of the opposite sex, from afar and without emotional involvement. I read somewhere that you can glean 75 percent of what you need to know about a person (the things that really matter to God for marriage) just by being associated with them. Upon further reflection, I find this to be true.
2. Friendship- with spoken and understood intent of marriage. This is the appropriate point to share a wee bit more emotional intimacy, and get to know the person on a slightly deeper level. This is NOT the time to discover everything about the person to see if they are what we want to marry. During this time you’ll get the other 10-15 percent of what you need to know about a person prior to marriage.
3. Covenant-After we marry then and only then should we discover each other sexually and give of our selves over fully in emotional and physical intimacy.
As we graduate from one level to the next we never leave the principles of the last level behind. We only add to them. We are always to be in service and it's best to be in covenant with someone that you've grown to know and love as a friend. I think the world culture tries to get it right by saying things like "be friends first, date your best friend," etc. But I believe where we fall short is the order of things. Most "friends" that are dating in the world, are also having sex outside of the covenant of marriage and the people in the relationship think it's about them and getting their needs met and we forget about truly serving the other person. The difference with God's plan is that it's done in decency and in order and in the right timing.
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! If nothing else He's way smarter than me and what I've done in the past has not worked!!! I've decided to trust HIM instead...
Tell Dating to Go to Hell
I am no longer a part of this dating/hook up culture. I'm done! My journey is to allow God to reveal my own heart to me and mold me into a woman and wife that would be pleasing to him and a blessing to my husband. That's it. I don't have to go on countless dates to discover a mate. I don’t need to go online, doll up & insert myself in any clubs, go speed dating, ask to be hooked up, etc. God’s got me! I’ve seen Him do it before and I know He shows no favoritism! (Acts 10:34)
I believe that God's paradigm for relationships is this:
1. Service-be associated with people of both genders in all purity (1 Timothy 5), pray for them, dwell with them according to the fruits of the Spirit. This is the time to discover marriage traits in a person of the opposite sex, from afar and without emotional involvement. I read somewhere that you can glean 75 percent of what you need to know about a person (the things that really matter to God for marriage) just by being associated with them. Upon further reflection, I find this to be true.
2. Friendship- with spoken and understood intent of marriage. This is the appropriate point to share a wee bit more emotional intimacy, and get to know the person on a slightly deeper level. This is NOT the time to discover everything about the person to see if they are what we want to marry. During this time you’ll get the other 10-15 percent of what you need to know about a person prior to marriage.
3. Covenant-After we marry then and only then should we discover each other sexually and give of our selves over fully in emotional and physical intimacy.
As we graduate from one level to the next we never leave the principles of the last level behind. We only add to them. We are always to be in service and it's best to be in covenant with someone that you've grown to know and love as a friend. I think the world culture tries to get it right by saying things like "be friends first, date your best friend," etc. But I believe where we fall short is the order of things. Most "friends" that are dating in the world, are also having sex outside of the covenant of marriage and the people in the relationship think it's about them and getting their needs met and we forget about truly serving the other person. The difference with God's plan is that it's done in decency and in order and in the right timing.
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! If nothing else He's way smarter than me and what I've done in the past has not worked!!! I've decided to trust HIM instead...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Spiritual Goals
1. Continue to tithe faithfully, give offerings above my tithe and begin to move into the area of extravagant giving (first fruit offerings, faith gifts, sewing into ministries, helping people that are in need, blessing others with my overflow. I will move into this area once I pay off some debts I owe)
2. I've accepted a role in a new girls mentoring ministry. I will commit to one year, 1 Saturday per month and other activities as required
3. Begin with an hour of worship, prayer, and devotion each morning before I do anything else. I want to give God the first part of each day
4. Move into giving God a 10th of each day (2.4 hours) with prayer, Bible reading, blogging, journal writing, meditation and reflection
5. Continue to speak to every person I see and practice kindness as much as possible
6. Look for more opportunities to minister the Gospel and boldly claim them when they arise
a. One thing that is on my heart is to stop promising to pray for people and instead pray for a person immediately (with them if possible) as soon as an issue arises
2. I've accepted a role in a new girls mentoring ministry. I will commit to one year, 1 Saturday per month and other activities as required
3. Begin with an hour of worship, prayer, and devotion each morning before I do anything else. I want to give God the first part of each day
4. Move into giving God a 10th of each day (2.4 hours) with prayer, Bible reading, blogging, journal writing, meditation and reflection
5. Continue to speak to every person I see and practice kindness as much as possible
6. Look for more opportunities to minister the Gospel and boldly claim them when they arise
a. One thing that is on my heart is to stop promising to pray for people and instead pray for a person immediately (with them if possible) as soon as an issue arises
New Life Resolution
I really have to organize myself and better manage my time so that I can spend more time with the Lord each day. I can no longer afford to let sleep, work, church, ministry, running, working out, friends, family, what other folks want me to do, what I want to do, etc to take away from my time with the Lord. I need Him more than the air I breathe. Everything else that I need, want, desire, will flow from me going deeper in Christ.
Last night I prayed through tear stained eyes about the things I still struggle with (self esteem issues, not feeling worthy, allowing people to mistreat me) and He said it's because of my average worship lifestyle, my vision of myself continues to be average! I was stunned! Who me? Average? But I believe the Holy Sprit is the best mirror and I've given the Lord carte blanche to reveal, to redeem to restore what He must in me...So here I go. I'm going deeper.
I read the Word, I do devotion and I pray a lot but I'm inconsistent. I need to do it in a more structured way so that it can become a habit and my lifestyle. I really would love to get to a place where I can tithe a part of each day (2.4 hours) to the Lord. That's lofty but I'd like to see myself there within the next 3 months. I've started with an hour each morning. This is going to take discipline. Pray for me.
Last night I prayed through tear stained eyes about the things I still struggle with (self esteem issues, not feeling worthy, allowing people to mistreat me) and He said it's because of my average worship lifestyle, my vision of myself continues to be average! I was stunned! Who me? Average? But I believe the Holy Sprit is the best mirror and I've given the Lord carte blanche to reveal, to redeem to restore what He must in me...So here I go. I'm going deeper.
I read the Word, I do devotion and I pray a lot but I'm inconsistent. I need to do it in a more structured way so that it can become a habit and my lifestyle. I really would love to get to a place where I can tithe a part of each day (2.4 hours) to the Lord. That's lofty but I'd like to see myself there within the next 3 months. I've started with an hour each morning. This is going to take discipline. Pray for me.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Prayer for my Husband
ABBA, you created me, and I believe you created marriage for my good and your glory. I don’t know your timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married. I Thank You, Lord, because you placed this strong desire in my heart “and called it good”. Father, please forgive me for the times I spoke against this desire to be married and even asked you to take it away. Now that I understand your purpose, I am thankful that you would never honor such a request. Thank You that you’ve already been where I’m headed, you know what my future holds, and you’ve ordered my steps. Thank you for the blessing of marriage and for my future husband. I pray that your favor be upon him all the days of his life. Please be with him and prepare his heart to do your will, even as you are preparing me to be a wife that will be pleasing in your sight. Thank you for the grace to remain pure and to resist the temptations of this world while I wait. Please keep me from the distraction of ungodly men that are not suitable to be my husband. Thank you, Lord that all good and perfect gifts come from you and that there is no sorrow added to Your blessings. Thank you, Father that your desires are my desires. Thank you, Holy Spirit for continuing to teach me and for opening the eyes of my heart and understanding. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ., AMEN.
The List
I've never made that infamous list of everything I want in a mate. I used to think it was silly and pretty shallow and now I understand why. Although sitting down and making a laundry list of what I THINK I deserve in a mate would be edifying to my flesh, it's not God's heart. Our culture teaches us to approach marriage like that of a consumer; I am signing this contract so I better have all my clauses in it and the product I'm getting better fulfill my every desire, or else…we divorce. Lol!
God is teaching me that is a fallacy. God's purpose for marriage is to teach us to love and forgive like his Son Jesus Christ. Jesus purchased us, signed up for us, entered into covenant (blood contract) with us by dying on the cross with NO GUARANTEE that we'd ever get right or accept his sacrifice. I believe that God designed marriage to be the final proving ground for maturity, and learning to love sacrificially with grace and forgiveness towards our mate. Marriage, when you look at it through God’s eyes is a perfect model of our relationship with Christ. Whew! I’m learning so much!
Not to mention I'm more focused on "becoming the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for" as Andy Stanley so eloquently put it.
But in lieu of the infamous list, I believe there are certain non-negotiable things that a man must have. I believe all these can be gleaned from just being a friend to a man and watching his walk and the fruit of his life. So instead of the list, here are my 5 non-negotiable things….
1. Must be a believer in the Holy Trinity and a follow of Jesus Christ.
2. Must be willing and able to provide for a family
3. Must love sacrificially
4. Must be honest and communicate openly and consistently
5. Must have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader (head)
God is teaching me that is a fallacy. God's purpose for marriage is to teach us to love and forgive like his Son Jesus Christ. Jesus purchased us, signed up for us, entered into covenant (blood contract) with us by dying on the cross with NO GUARANTEE that we'd ever get right or accept his sacrifice. I believe that God designed marriage to be the final proving ground for maturity, and learning to love sacrificially with grace and forgiveness towards our mate. Marriage, when you look at it through God’s eyes is a perfect model of our relationship with Christ. Whew! I’m learning so much!
Not to mention I'm more focused on "becoming the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for" as Andy Stanley so eloquently put it.
But in lieu of the infamous list, I believe there are certain non-negotiable things that a man must have. I believe all these can be gleaned from just being a friend to a man and watching his walk and the fruit of his life. So instead of the list, here are my 5 non-negotiable things….
1. Must be a believer in the Holy Trinity and a follow of Jesus Christ.
2. Must be willing and able to provide for a family
3. Must love sacrificially
4. Must be honest and communicate openly and consistently
5. Must have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader (head)
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Forgiveness
It's widely known (by those who know me) that my natural father made some very selfish decisions that caused my mother’s death (10 days after I was born) and left me basically an orphan and ward of the state until I was 18. The part that's still coming to the surface is how much his actions affected the rest of my family (mother's side).
My aunt can't even talk about the situation and losing her sister without coming to tears, some 30+ years later. It hurts my heart to see her sad but I'm mostly over it.
Specifically, I've forgiven him. I know that it wasn’t him. The devil saw the future that God has for me and he wanted to abort God's plan. That's the devil’s job (he comes to steal kill and destroy) and he uses spirits through people to accomplish his work. Ironically that's also God's M.O. for showing His goodness (The Holy Spirit at work in willing humans).
The other day I told my aunt that though I'm not necessarily interested in having a relationship with my natural father, I feel sorry for him because he's missing out on a lovely daughter. I also said if I ever saw him in need, I'd help him; to which she replied "How can you do that? I wouldn’t." I don't know. I just know that I would.
I know that everything we learn here on earth about love and forgiveness is God trying to make us just like Jesus so that He can enjoy a heaven full of perfectly loving "Jesus(s)" when we get to heaven. In the end, God loves Jesus so much that He wants all of us to be just like Him! Jesus loves and forgives perfectly and I want to be just like Him. Jesus is dope! Forgiveness is hard (my natural father did unspeakable things) but God is good and the devil can't hold me because I belong to God....for that I'm thankful and I don't want to displease God by harboring un-forgiveness towards ANYONE...I will pray for my aunt and the rest of my family to get there. They’re still talking about tracking him down to beat him. Lord have mercy!
No one is worthy of my un-forgiveness...no one
My aunt can't even talk about the situation and losing her sister without coming to tears, some 30+ years later. It hurts my heart to see her sad but I'm mostly over it.
Specifically, I've forgiven him. I know that it wasn’t him. The devil saw the future that God has for me and he wanted to abort God's plan. That's the devil’s job (he comes to steal kill and destroy) and he uses spirits through people to accomplish his work. Ironically that's also God's M.O. for showing His goodness (The Holy Spirit at work in willing humans).
The other day I told my aunt that though I'm not necessarily interested in having a relationship with my natural father, I feel sorry for him because he's missing out on a lovely daughter. I also said if I ever saw him in need, I'd help him; to which she replied "How can you do that? I wouldn’t." I don't know. I just know that I would.
I know that everything we learn here on earth about love and forgiveness is God trying to make us just like Jesus so that He can enjoy a heaven full of perfectly loving "Jesus(s)" when we get to heaven. In the end, God loves Jesus so much that He wants all of us to be just like Him! Jesus loves and forgives perfectly and I want to be just like Him. Jesus is dope! Forgiveness is hard (my natural father did unspeakable things) but God is good and the devil can't hold me because I belong to God....for that I'm thankful and I don't want to displease God by harboring un-forgiveness towards ANYONE...I will pray for my aunt and the rest of my family to get there. They’re still talking about tracking him down to beat him. Lord have mercy!
No one is worthy of my un-forgiveness...no one
I Am Getting Married
I'm getting married soon. I know it. Everything I'm doing right now is preparing me to be a great wife. God has me on the path, the way He's changed me, the things He's revealing to me, the resources, He's sent me and everything He's allowing me to see now. I AM GETTING MARRIED!
A while ago, I would never declare that or even be so open about how marriage minded I am. This culture has many women thinking we need to downplay our desire for marriage, not bring it up lest we scare men off. Real men aren’t afraid of marriage talk. My man won't be. It's that simple. There is a time for love (Ecc 3:8) and every good, godly man knows that. I don’t desire any other type of man. Closed mouths don't get fed, so a woman being mum about her real desires is doing herself a great disservice. Ironic that it's okay to give our minds, bodies and souls to a man but we shouldn’t seek commitment??!! Man, the closer I get to God, the more I see how whack this world system and our culture really is.
Anyway, I'm getting married and my husband is going to be dope and love me to pieces and I can't wait to love, serve and honor him.
A while ago, I would never declare that or even be so open about how marriage minded I am. This culture has many women thinking we need to downplay our desire for marriage, not bring it up lest we scare men off. Real men aren’t afraid of marriage talk. My man won't be. It's that simple. There is a time for love (Ecc 3:8) and every good, godly man knows that. I don’t desire any other type of man. Closed mouths don't get fed, so a woman being mum about her real desires is doing herself a great disservice. Ironic that it's okay to give our minds, bodies and souls to a man but we shouldn’t seek commitment??!! Man, the closer I get to God, the more I see how whack this world system and our culture really is.
Anyway, I'm getting married and my husband is going to be dope and love me to pieces and I can't wait to love, serve and honor him.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Who I am...
I saw a challenge on Twitter where one of the people I follow challenged folks to write down everything they truly believe they bring to the table in a relationship. Since this type of thing goes right in line with my quest to becoming Mrs. Right, I decided to take it. Here's what I can honestly say I can bring to a relationship TODAY.
I am submitted to God
I am dependable
I am responsible
I am Giving
I am Loyal
I am Nice
I am resourceful
I am hard working
I am willing to share
I don't have secrets that I'm not willing to share w/my partner
I am smart and make good decisions
I am a good listener
I live a pretty quiet and drama free life
I'm fun
I'm not a party girl
I have a good reputation
I am sincerely working towards developing a Christ-like character
I am serious
I am supportive
I put others before myself
I am protective
I am passionate
I am Consistent
I am Affectionate
I am Compassionate
I am optimistic
I am successful
I am Healthy & Physically fit
I take care of myself
I am faithful
I am independent (but want to depend on someone)
I am dedicated
I am attractive
I am modest
I am honest
I know what I want
I am willing to use my resources for the advancement of us
I am willing to work WITH a man
I am communicative and open
I am willing to share my emotions and let someone in
I am not materialistic
I am willing to please
I am willing to yield
I am flexible
I am happy
I am funny
I am forgiving
I am prayerful
I am willing to share
I am intelligent
I am educated
I am friendly
I can cook
I keep a clean home
I'm not frivolous
I am respectful
I am self aware
I can get along with anyone and fit in most places
I can hold a conversation
I am intellectually curious, stimulating and engaging
I am open to constructive feedback
I desire to be a mother, teacher to my children, caregiver and family matriach
I am strong and sound minded (mentally, emotionally, spiritually)BLESS THE LORD!
I am well rounded
I am balanced
I am sensual
I am trustworthy
I am romantic
I am challenging
I am chaste
I am career driven but not career obsessed
I am family-oriented
I am open-minded
I am also willing to be challenged in any of these areas. So if I find I'm not living up to them, I will gladly do better. I already know that I need to work on being more Patient, that's why I omitted that from the list. Lol! But by God's grace, I will get there. I'm also skeptical about whether this list should be this long. Am I tooting my own horn? I'm inclined to think that relationships require a lot of these intangibles to be successful; especially a marrriage and I'm happy to know (in my heart) that I posses the qualities above. I'm certainly not above reproach or further refinement, but the core foundation is there and being devloped even more each day.
I am submitted to God
I am dependable
I am responsible
I am Giving
I am Loyal
I am Nice
I am resourceful
I am hard working
I am willing to share
I don't have secrets that I'm not willing to share w/my partner
I am smart and make good decisions
I am a good listener
I live a pretty quiet and drama free life
I'm fun
I'm not a party girl
I have a good reputation
I am sincerely working towards developing a Christ-like character
I am serious
I am supportive
I put others before myself
I am protective
I am passionate
I am Consistent
I am Affectionate
I am Compassionate
I am optimistic
I am successful
I am Healthy & Physically fit
I take care of myself
I am faithful
I am independent (but want to depend on someone)
I am dedicated
I am attractive
I am modest
I am honest
I know what I want
I am willing to use my resources for the advancement of us
I am willing to work WITH a man
I am communicative and open
I am willing to share my emotions and let someone in
I am not materialistic
I am willing to please
I am willing to yield
I am flexible
I am happy
I am funny
I am forgiving
I am prayerful
I am willing to share
I am intelligent
I am educated
I am friendly
I can cook
I keep a clean home
I'm not frivolous
I am respectful
I am self aware
I can get along with anyone and fit in most places
I can hold a conversation
I am intellectually curious, stimulating and engaging
I am open to constructive feedback
I desire to be a mother, teacher to my children, caregiver and family matriach
I am strong and sound minded (mentally, emotionally, spiritually)BLESS THE LORD!
I am well rounded
I am balanced
I am sensual
I am trustworthy
I am romantic
I am challenging
I am chaste
I am career driven but not career obsessed
I am family-oriented
I am open-minded
I am also willing to be challenged in any of these areas. So if I find I'm not living up to them, I will gladly do better. I already know that I need to work on being more Patient, that's why I omitted that from the list. Lol! But by God's grace, I will get there. I'm also skeptical about whether this list should be this long. Am I tooting my own horn? I'm inclined to think that relationships require a lot of these intangibles to be successful; especially a marrriage and I'm happy to know (in my heart) that I posses the qualities above. I'm certainly not above reproach or further refinement, but the core foundation is there and being devloped even more each day.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Becoming Mrs. Right
The main points of the series "The New Rules for Sex, Love & Dating" is that we don't magically become a good mate after we meet and marry "the right person", in fact this "happily every after" myth is why many marriages fail. Seems so simple of a concept, but when you did deeper, it's clear how this thinking can be problematic and how one must make a conscious effort to avoid this trap, well before marriage. I want to be the BEST WIFE I CAN BE, when that time comes, and I know that begins in me.
Andy Stanley asserts that being/becoming a good mate is a process that must be undertaken long before you even meet your mate. Many people want to commit but are simply unprepared to do so because they did not prepare in advance for the commitment that they are making. For me, an unmarried woman, this concept seems fundamental. To me, this is the heart of God, that we seek Him to mold us into the image he has for us and everything else will fall into place. In fact loving God first is not only a command but it's the path to understanding HOW to love others...
I'd venture to take it a step further and say this process should not be taken solely for the objective of attracting a the person you want, but that becoming the type of person you'd want to love simply makes you a better person. What a concept...
This message actually confirmed a lot of things that I'd already been thinking about and praying about. I've been sensing that God wants me to focus on Him and allow him to change me solely for His enjoyment, for his glory, and he'll add a mate to my life if he decides to share me. LOL!
So that is my endeavor...to become Mrs. Right. As with most real change, it begins with a purpose of heart and then applying Godly principles to renew the mind. Everything else will happen....with some practical application
So here we go...I'm excited!
Andy Stanley asserts that being/becoming a good mate is a process that must be undertaken long before you even meet your mate. Many people want to commit but are simply unprepared to do so because they did not prepare in advance for the commitment that they are making. For me, an unmarried woman, this concept seems fundamental. To me, this is the heart of God, that we seek Him to mold us into the image he has for us and everything else will fall into place. In fact loving God first is not only a command but it's the path to understanding HOW to love others...
I'd venture to take it a step further and say this process should not be taken solely for the objective of attracting a the person you want, but that becoming the type of person you'd want to love simply makes you a better person. What a concept...
This message actually confirmed a lot of things that I'd already been thinking about and praying about. I've been sensing that God wants me to focus on Him and allow him to change me solely for His enjoyment, for his glory, and he'll add a mate to my life if he decides to share me. LOL!
So that is my endeavor...to become Mrs. Right. As with most real change, it begins with a purpose of heart and then applying Godly principles to renew the mind. Everything else will happen....with some practical application
So here we go...I'm excited!
Designer Sex & Becoming Mrs. Right
This entire series "The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating" on becoming the person you want to find is dope and a Godsend but Part II, "Designer Sex" echoes everything I believe about sex outside of marriage and the speaker addresses the topic so eloquently.
The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating
It was so good and blessed me so much that I HAD to send it to like everyone I know. I pray that people will at least take the time to listen.
The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating
It was so good and blessed me so much that I HAD to send it to like everyone I know. I pray that people will at least take the time to listen.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Growing Pains
I can always tell when I've made the right decision in a situation; my emotions are unhappy but my mind is clear. My resolve is strengthened.
The heart wants what it wants. My heart wants a companion, a future husband; one that is witty, godly, intellectual, funny, successful, smart, educated, sweet, compassionate, attractive, etc...
I saw potential there. But he wasn’t for me (at least not at this time) because he DID NOT CHOOSE ME! I'm learning...it only took me 8 months this time instead of 3 years. Thank God for giving me this moment of clarity.
I think I said everything I wanted to say. The conversation went well. There is no love lost and even the heated discourse was compassionate and intellectually stimulating (darn that man, LOL!!) so that's how I know we'll both remember each other fondly. Which for me, is a happy ending.
He expressed disappointment in my decision. Which lets me know that he didn’t really expect me to make the choice I did. HA! Men are funny to me. All of a sudden he could picture himself having a change of heart. Maybe he will. But I can't afford to wait around for it.
As I said to him, if he's a person that God will have for me, he will come to his senses and come back around and I will gladly receive him. I know God will not withhold any good thing from me, His word says so. And with that, I bid you adieu sir...
One of my girls said this to me after I told her about the ending: "girl, u r growing leaps and bounds. God is smiling on u right now he's like, "look at my baby girl"...
Amen. I pray that He is...
The heart wants what it wants. My heart wants a companion, a future husband; one that is witty, godly, intellectual, funny, successful, smart, educated, sweet, compassionate, attractive, etc...
I saw potential there. But he wasn’t for me (at least not at this time) because he DID NOT CHOOSE ME! I'm learning...it only took me 8 months this time instead of 3 years. Thank God for giving me this moment of clarity.
I think I said everything I wanted to say. The conversation went well. There is no love lost and even the heated discourse was compassionate and intellectually stimulating (darn that man, LOL!!) so that's how I know we'll both remember each other fondly. Which for me, is a happy ending.
He expressed disappointment in my decision. Which lets me know that he didn’t really expect me to make the choice I did. HA! Men are funny to me. All of a sudden he could picture himself having a change of heart. Maybe he will. But I can't afford to wait around for it.
As I said to him, if he's a person that God will have for me, he will come to his senses and come back around and I will gladly receive him. I know God will not withhold any good thing from me, His word says so. And with that, I bid you adieu sir...
One of my girls said this to me after I told her about the ending: "girl, u r growing leaps and bounds. God is smiling on u right now he's like, "look at my baby girl"...
Amen. I pray that He is...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Needs to be Said
You know what? I really need to say this:
It's been really refreshing conversing with Cope. I keep reverting back to the conversation from last night. Being a professional woman in the DC area is hard. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've always first and foremost seen myself as a wife and mother. But as I've grown and realized that those roles don't always come so easily, I've refocused my energy on the things I can control like my education and career. I think this is what a lot of women do.
So when men run across women that seem to be all about their career, it's often not her first choice but rather a default position as a result of the relationship thing seeming unattainable. After all, men do the choosing, not women. God made men the gatekeepers of marriage, by virtue of the fact that men do the asking of the woman's hand in marriage (i don't care that women now ask men too, I'm an old fashioned girl). Not to mention there are a lot of men who are simply non-committal!
It's so refreshing and encouraging to make the acquaintance of a man who knows what he wants and seems ready to do what he needs to pursue it and will not play games with his woman. I was starting to think all "decent" (smart, educated, can hold a conversation, has a job, handsome, no kids, Christian, etc) men are simply content to deal with multiple women forever. Even if it goes nowhere, I'm really enjoying being proven wrong.(:)(:)(:)
It's been really refreshing conversing with Cope. I keep reverting back to the conversation from last night. Being a professional woman in the DC area is hard. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've always first and foremost seen myself as a wife and mother. But as I've grown and realized that those roles don't always come so easily, I've refocused my energy on the things I can control like my education and career. I think this is what a lot of women do.
So when men run across women that seem to be all about their career, it's often not her first choice but rather a default position as a result of the relationship thing seeming unattainable. After all, men do the choosing, not women. God made men the gatekeepers of marriage, by virtue of the fact that men do the asking of the woman's hand in marriage (i don't care that women now ask men too, I'm an old fashioned girl). Not to mention there are a lot of men who are simply non-committal!
It's so refreshing and encouraging to make the acquaintance of a man who knows what he wants and seems ready to do what he needs to pursue it and will not play games with his woman. I was starting to think all "decent" (smart, educated, can hold a conversation, has a job, handsome, no kids, Christian, etc) men are simply content to deal with multiple women forever. Even if it goes nowhere, I'm really enjoying being proven wrong.(:)(:)(:)
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Love in a Time of Famine
"We aren't victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we've simply chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God's standard. Since we found God's standard too difficult, we created a mixture -- something new, something comfortable, something mediocre."
What God wants for me is His best, the most perfect gift that he could ever give me. But to reach this, it takes sacrifice on my part. I'm learning every day, that this walk of abstinence will be traversed on an often lonely road. I've always been prepared for the loneliness of being rejected by the opposite sex, what's catching me off guard is finding fellow sisters in Christ who are also sold out.
I think/I know what's missing is our complete adherence to God's word in every area of our lives. That seems easier in other areas than with sexual purity. Somehow we find ways to justify sexual sin as "the one sin" that God will just have to deal with us on...as if we only have one sin. I've done it. Does that make me unworthy of having a heart change and being totally convicted now? I don't think so, grace says that's not so. Yet I admit, at times I feel like I don't have the right! I've had sex and lot's of it. I'm nobody's angel or virgin.
Today I read a (supposed to be Christian relationship) blog where the writer was using Bible scripture to admonish her readership against "having sex too soon" in a relationship! She caveat(ed) by saying "but for the Christian, too soon is any sex before marriage". I was floored! Is this not a Christian based blog? Why are you even discussing any other type of sex? But I didn’t comment! I just got upset and unsubscribed...Silly me.
In those moments I hear the Spirit of the Lord saying, "You need to speak up! This world is starving for the truth. There is famine in the land and you have the manna of God's word, so share it in its unadulterated truth. You think that love is sparing the feelings of others. But my love is conviction that at times cuts like a knife but sets you free by grace. Share it"! Yet I remain silent and I feel guilty....
What God wants for me is His best, the most perfect gift that he could ever give me. But to reach this, it takes sacrifice on my part. I'm learning every day, that this walk of abstinence will be traversed on an often lonely road. I've always been prepared for the loneliness of being rejected by the opposite sex, what's catching me off guard is finding fellow sisters in Christ who are also sold out.
I think/I know what's missing is our complete adherence to God's word in every area of our lives. That seems easier in other areas than with sexual purity. Somehow we find ways to justify sexual sin as "the one sin" that God will just have to deal with us on...as if we only have one sin. I've done it. Does that make me unworthy of having a heart change and being totally convicted now? I don't think so, grace says that's not so. Yet I admit, at times I feel like I don't have the right! I've had sex and lot's of it. I'm nobody's angel or virgin.
Today I read a (supposed to be Christian relationship) blog where the writer was using Bible scripture to admonish her readership against "having sex too soon" in a relationship! She caveat(ed) by saying "but for the Christian, too soon is any sex before marriage". I was floored! Is this not a Christian based blog? Why are you even discussing any other type of sex? But I didn’t comment! I just got upset and unsubscribed...Silly me.
In those moments I hear the Spirit of the Lord saying, "You need to speak up! This world is starving for the truth. There is famine in the land and you have the manna of God's word, so share it in its unadulterated truth. You think that love is sparing the feelings of others. But my love is conviction that at times cuts like a knife but sets you free by grace. Share it"! Yet I remain silent and I feel guilty....
Monday, September 12, 2011
I Want That Old Thing Back
I miss my life before FB, Twitter, etc. Today I decided I want it back. So I’m taking it back.
The other day I counted how many times I logged in to my twitter and/or FB account and the answer was "you need to get a life". Really, I have no life right now. I'll literally sit there (while watching a movie) and hit refresh on my social networking tool of choice umpteen times. I think it's sad. So I deleted everything.
Sure, I could decrease the number of times I log in but the real issue is I just don't want to consume other people's lives anymore. I want to live my own and not share it with people I don't really consider friends in real life. So I deleted everything.
I want to write again, I want to take a cooking class, I want to study for the GMAT, I want to look for jobs in Chicago, and not share any of it, unless it’s with my support system. I'm glad people are having birthdays, babies, parties, weddings, etc. But I don't care or want to care. So I deleted everything.
Most of the content is not conducive to where I am in my life right now. I spend a considerable amount of time hiding people from my newsfeed, unfriending and blocking people.
I deleted the last guy I was "talking to" because I realized that whole reason I kept him as a FB friend was to use it to somehow manipulate him into missing me, thinking of me, wanting me etc. I'm on a spiritual journey to clean up my life, change my motives, and be more sincere in the way I move, So I deleted everything.
Ahhhhh
The other day I counted how many times I logged in to my twitter and/or FB account and the answer was "you need to get a life". Really, I have no life right now. I'll literally sit there (while watching a movie) and hit refresh on my social networking tool of choice umpteen times. I think it's sad. So I deleted everything.
Sure, I could decrease the number of times I log in but the real issue is I just don't want to consume other people's lives anymore. I want to live my own and not share it with people I don't really consider friends in real life. So I deleted everything.
I want to write again, I want to take a cooking class, I want to study for the GMAT, I want to look for jobs in Chicago, and not share any of it, unless it’s with my support system. I'm glad people are having birthdays, babies, parties, weddings, etc. But I don't care or want to care. So I deleted everything.
Most of the content is not conducive to where I am in my life right now. I spend a considerable amount of time hiding people from my newsfeed, unfriending and blocking people.
I deleted the last guy I was "talking to" because I realized that whole reason I kept him as a FB friend was to use it to somehow manipulate him into missing me, thinking of me, wanting me etc. I'm on a spiritual journey to clean up my life, change my motives, and be more sincere in the way I move, So I deleted everything.
Ahhhhh
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