Caveat - A qualification or explanation, a clarification to prevent a misinterpretation.
There is no clarification or explanation necessary here. I love you for the man that you are; as you stand at this very moment, and I know that you love me too. It makes me giddy with excitement to know this! The desire for you that's burning inside my heart is unquenchable and all consuming. At this place and in this space you are all I see. I want to say, take this step with me, take a leap of faith, take a chance on us and let me show you that the things I'm saying and feeling are real. I'm a grown woman who knows exactly what she wants. Plain and simple, I want you, I need you and we deserve each other.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Celebrations and Realizations
I had the great fortune of celebrating another year of life on Thursday June 5th. My birthdays are generally unscripted as I rarely make concrete plans like a party or other focused celebration. I have always pretty much just desired to be with people that I love and this year was no different. I missed my family and this was heightened by the fact that many of them were trying to call me (from various locations abroad) while I was in meetings and I knew that it meant a lot to them to speak with me on that day. Some (well meaning members) simply wanted to remind me that I am another year closer to 30 with nary husband in sight (I really don't have the heart to tell them...), but I digress. I am so loved!
For this birthday however, I just happened to end up at an amusement park with a bunch of my friends! I was in Pennsylvania at a work retreat and this was one of our "team building" activities. What a blast! This is like every child's dream and I lived it. I rode roller coasters, water rides, hung out with my colleagues and my boss, laughed, enjoyed a beautiful sunny day and topped the day off with funnel cake and vanilla ice cream, yummy! If I wasn’t me, I'd be jealous.
Overall, my weekend was pretty low key and a relaxing. I ended up in Baltimore on Saturday afternoon for some QT with my family there. We barbecued and enjoyed one another and I found some new things that I love about Baltimore and more and more...yeah I can see myself there. LOL! My cousin is the fanciest griller I have ever known. At one point I looked at the sea bass, veggie kabobs, fruit kabobs, chicken, turkey burgers, shrimp, and pineapple crusted pork on the grill and thought to myself "this is so extra but so B"!
On Saturday night I shared some time with an intelligent, deep, beautiful, dynamic, inspirational (can I stop sweating her already?) new sister in my life and it was simply one of the best girl talk sessions I've ever had. She allowed me to go places that I am usually skeptical about going with girlfriends that I've known for years and I am so thankful to her. Reflecting on that conversation, I hold several truths:
1. I AM NOT CRAZY!
2. Everything that I've been feeling is real and valid, because I say so!
3. Love can never be defined or dictated by time, circumstance, or reasonability, it's just love.
4. I don't want to be in a relationship, I want to be with him and him alone but only if we are able to dwell in the same space of unabashed honesty, openness, selflessness, fun, spontaneity, intimacy, lust and depth that we've always shared. Anything less would never work for me.
5. There are certain things that I WILL NEVER compromise on simply to be in a relationship.
6. As long as I have to say "I love you" with a preface or lots of explanation, I am not ready to say it.
7. Pictures are truly worth a thousand words.
I went to brunch/shopping (btw, Front Page in Dupont Cirle waffles, omelettes, and mimosas are divine!) on Sunday with my girlfriend who recently left a high paying position to build her own business. I love her, I am so proud of her and I look forward to celebrating her success.
I have a great family, wonderful friends, a fabulous life and words could never thoroughly explicate how grateful I am.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Hey You
You make my heart smile.
I could hardly sleep last night, thinking of you, reminiscing on us, replaying our entire time spent over and over in my head. I just can't believe how intense the emotions were and I know that it "takes two" as you say but for MY part, I apologize...for lingering too long, holding on too tight, standing too close and putting us in such a compromising situation. But for being given the opportunity to linger too long, hold on too tight and stand too close, I am thankful because I really needed that, I really needed you.
But you are good man and I a good woman so we knew how it had to end, us going our separate ways without leaving too much damage in our wake and the R.E.S.P.E.C.T factor in tact.
We both expressed some things that gave me some clarity and instead of holding on to the past or lost moments of regret, I know it's best that we both move on without damaging the beautiful friendship that we have. I love the open communication and intimacy that we've always shared. I don't think there's anything that I would not be able to tell you and I know you feel the same. This is rare and I'm not trying to mess it up. If that means that we need some space or less frequent interaction, so be it. I'm willing to sacrifice that in order to preserve us.
What I wanted to say last nigth and what I've been wanting to say for some time...was hopefully expressed in my embrace, in my touch, and in my gaze. I really don't think that the words are enough...that's why I do the things that I do. They say that actions speak louder than words so I really hope that you can feel, taste and touch my heart.
I could hardly sleep last night, thinking of you, reminiscing on us, replaying our entire time spent over and over in my head. I just can't believe how intense the emotions were and I know that it "takes two" as you say but for MY part, I apologize...for lingering too long, holding on too tight, standing too close and putting us in such a compromising situation. But for being given the opportunity to linger too long, hold on too tight and stand too close, I am thankful because I really needed that, I really needed you.
But you are good man and I a good woman so we knew how it had to end, us going our separate ways without leaving too much damage in our wake and the R.E.S.P.E.C.T factor in tact.
We both expressed some things that gave me some clarity and instead of holding on to the past or lost moments of regret, I know it's best that we both move on without damaging the beautiful friendship that we have. I love the open communication and intimacy that we've always shared. I don't think there's anything that I would not be able to tell you and I know you feel the same. This is rare and I'm not trying to mess it up. If that means that we need some space or less frequent interaction, so be it. I'm willing to sacrifice that in order to preserve us.
What I wanted to say last nigth and what I've been wanting to say for some time...was hopefully expressed in my embrace, in my touch, and in my gaze. I really don't think that the words are enough...that's why I do the things that I do. They say that actions speak louder than words so I really hope that you can feel, taste and touch my heart.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
With Friends Like These...
I am hurt.
Friday night Bunz called to invite me to one of the many birthday celebrations for Washington Redskin's wide receiver Santana Moss (yeah I know a little about the home team); an all white affair which sounded nice but I had to decline because I had literally stepped in the door from going to see S&TC. She was like "well go on to bed grandma, but you're not missing tomorrow's party." Cool.
Saturday morning I had my last tutoring session with Nina Simone. It was uneventful and she loved the necklace I bought her from the Bahamas as well her copy of "Cornrows" by Camille Yarbrough. I was really happy that I got her this book, especially when her mother came in and we started talking about my recommendation for her to read the American Dreams book collection. She mentioned that a family member had bought Nina one of the dolls and it was ugly because it was "black as tar" with "super nappy hair". Wow! She actually said "black as tar" in front of me, but I digress. I can only pray that mom gets a peek at the book too.
Saturday night we got to the party that was being held in a two-floor lounge inside the Gaylord Resort Hotel at the new National Harbor, very nice! The guest list was expansive. Santana Moss had bus loads of his people coming in to party with him and they were being given first access into the club, fair enough. Our "pass" arrived on the last bus so we were waiting in line in the meantime. I understand that people (women!) waited upwards of two hours to get into this party...NEVER!
As we stood in the ridiculous line, up walks the mother of my 18-month old god-son. She's with another girl that Bunz and I are also cool with. At first it appears as though my god son's mother was getting ready to walk right past me and not speak! I just knew I was imagining this and thought that perhaps she had not seen me, so I called out to her. They came over and mostly hugged Bunz who they rarely see. Her sidekick casually mentioned that it looked like it was going to be "tough to get into this party without a hook up". God son's mother agreed in one breath and was like "aight yall, we gotta go" in the next and left me and Bunz standing in line!
Now....one might say "what's the big deal with that?". Well, just like men have their "unspoken rules" so do women and one of those rules is that when it comes to sharing a hook up or connection into a hard to get into party, exclusive club, etc.."it aint no fun if your home girls can't have none". I have literally had chicks that I had not seen since the 6th grade grab me and pull me out of a line into a party and we went our separate ways after that. Bunz, as much as people love to hate her is famous for pulling random girls into clubs with her, for free and getting access to VIP, free drinks, etc. That's just how we roll! So for the mother of the child who I have babysat almost every weekend since Thanksgiving 2007 and have actually declined invitations to posh events, dates, etc to stay home with him to put me in her purse and carry me like that? WTF??!!
Now I never once doubted that we would get into the party last night. Not once. As a matter of fact we went in shortly after and had a decent time, free drinks, VIP access, table, some scrumptious birthday cake, the whole nine. Even if we were not able to get in, this is NOT the issue! God son's mother simply did not think about me! Had she said "dang P, this aint my connect, I wish I could get yall in", etc...it would have been all love. But nothing, it's like it did not even dawn on her that this was the decent thing to do. For the record, if she wanted to pull me in and not Bunz, it would have been a no go because I don't roll like that. It has to be all or nothing and frankly there were only two of us. I sent a text to her phone that read: "Did you really go in the party and leave me standing in line"? "Wow"! No response.
To add insult to injury, once inside of the club, not once but twice did I walk up to her and she turned her face like she was trying to avoid me. The second time I walked up and said to her "are you alright"? She was like "yeah"!
Now due to the high level of emotion and adrenaline, I questioned my reaction. Bunz was like "P, you are the last person in the world that deserves that". But since she and god son's mom aren't the best of friends I decided to solicit other opinions and overwhelmingly, I've been told that I should "let her go", "P you are too nice to people", "you aint got no kids, stop letting her use you" ,"yeah she cold carried you, slim" amongst other things.
Those who know me know that I am super kind, almost "to a fault" some might say. That's just my nature and I don't really believe in being taken advantage of, because I believe that karma or the law of reaping and sowing takes care of all that...but maybe I am too nice? Is that possible? Did I over react to this? What about my god son? I really just don't know what to think, but all the details aside, how she acted towards me did hurt and I will have to address it somehow with her...if she ever contacts me. I am also a firm believer in forgiveness and I would rather not let something like this ruin an entire friendship because to me that would be petty.
What should I do? Is there such a thing as being too kind or too forgiving in our relationships with loved ones?
Friday night Bunz called to invite me to one of the many birthday celebrations for Washington Redskin's wide receiver Santana Moss (yeah I know a little about the home team); an all white affair which sounded nice but I had to decline because I had literally stepped in the door from going to see S&TC. She was like "well go on to bed grandma, but you're not missing tomorrow's party." Cool.
Saturday morning I had my last tutoring session with Nina Simone. It was uneventful and she loved the necklace I bought her from the Bahamas as well her copy of "Cornrows" by Camille Yarbrough. I was really happy that I got her this book, especially when her mother came in and we started talking about my recommendation for her to read the American Dreams book collection. She mentioned that a family member had bought Nina one of the dolls and it was ugly because it was "black as tar" with "super nappy hair". Wow! She actually said "black as tar" in front of me, but I digress. I can only pray that mom gets a peek at the book too.
Saturday night we got to the party that was being held in a two-floor lounge inside the Gaylord Resort Hotel at the new National Harbor, very nice! The guest list was expansive. Santana Moss had bus loads of his people coming in to party with him and they were being given first access into the club, fair enough. Our "pass" arrived on the last bus so we were waiting in line in the meantime. I understand that people (women!) waited upwards of two hours to get into this party...NEVER!
As we stood in the ridiculous line, up walks the mother of my 18-month old god-son. She's with another girl that Bunz and I are also cool with. At first it appears as though my god son's mother was getting ready to walk right past me and not speak! I just knew I was imagining this and thought that perhaps she had not seen me, so I called out to her. They came over and mostly hugged Bunz who they rarely see. Her sidekick casually mentioned that it looked like it was going to be "tough to get into this party without a hook up". God son's mother agreed in one breath and was like "aight yall, we gotta go" in the next and left me and Bunz standing in line!
Now....one might say "what's the big deal with that?". Well, just like men have their "unspoken rules" so do women and one of those rules is that when it comes to sharing a hook up or connection into a hard to get into party, exclusive club, etc.."it aint no fun if your home girls can't have none". I have literally had chicks that I had not seen since the 6th grade grab me and pull me out of a line into a party and we went our separate ways after that. Bunz, as much as people love to hate her is famous for pulling random girls into clubs with her, for free and getting access to VIP, free drinks, etc. That's just how we roll! So for the mother of the child who I have babysat almost every weekend since Thanksgiving 2007 and have actually declined invitations to posh events, dates, etc to stay home with him to put me in her purse and carry me like that? WTF??!!
Now I never once doubted that we would get into the party last night. Not once. As a matter of fact we went in shortly after and had a decent time, free drinks, VIP access, table, some scrumptious birthday cake, the whole nine. Even if we were not able to get in, this is NOT the issue! God son's mother simply did not think about me! Had she said "dang P, this aint my connect, I wish I could get yall in", etc...it would have been all love. But nothing, it's like it did not even dawn on her that this was the decent thing to do. For the record, if she wanted to pull me in and not Bunz, it would have been a no go because I don't roll like that. It has to be all or nothing and frankly there were only two of us. I sent a text to her phone that read: "Did you really go in the party and leave me standing in line"? "Wow"! No response.
To add insult to injury, once inside of the club, not once but twice did I walk up to her and she turned her face like she was trying to avoid me. The second time I walked up and said to her "are you alright"? She was like "yeah"!
Now due to the high level of emotion and adrenaline, I questioned my reaction. Bunz was like "P, you are the last person in the world that deserves that". But since she and god son's mom aren't the best of friends I decided to solicit other opinions and overwhelmingly, I've been told that I should "let her go", "P you are too nice to people", "you aint got no kids, stop letting her use you" ,"yeah she cold carried you, slim" amongst other things.
Those who know me know that I am super kind, almost "to a fault" some might say. That's just my nature and I don't really believe in being taken advantage of, because I believe that karma or the law of reaping and sowing takes care of all that...but maybe I am too nice? Is that possible? Did I over react to this? What about my god son? I really just don't know what to think, but all the details aside, how she acted towards me did hurt and I will have to address it somehow with her...if she ever contacts me. I am also a firm believer in forgiveness and I would rather not let something like this ruin an entire friendship because to me that would be petty.
What should I do? Is there such a thing as being too kind or too forgiving in our relationships with loved ones?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sucker for Love
A hopeless romantic, sucker for love, wearing my heart on my sleeve, glutton for punishment, amongst other things would describe my approach to L.O.V.E.
I saw S&TC Friday night and the theme of the move was Love; it’s beautifulness, it's elusiveness (for some), the effort it takes to make it work, and the fact that it's defined as so many different things for so many people. I cried during this movie (I'm a big baby) because there were some moments that just hit home! I left very reflective, kind of melancholy and almost sad...
This morning as I jogged I thought about the state of my love life...or lack thereof with more clarity. Right now I am very single and I really hate the rigors of dating. I am not a serial dater and this is really the first time that I’ve been truly single. I have been meeting a lot of dudes lately but there is absolutely no one that I am interested in getting to know more. I really want to keep things very surface level and have fun and I am meeting people that want the exact opposite. I met one gentleman, "Mr. Syracuse"(older so not surprising) that feels the need to send me 6:00 am “Good Morning” texts in spite of the fact that we have not been on one date yet. We just met and merely shared pleasantires and brief (how old are you, what do you do, you got any kinds, etc) phone conversations. I was supposed to have a date with him on Friday night but I chose to go with my girls to see S&TC instead. He made it clear to me that he was not happy with me even though we had not even made solid plans and I called him well in advance to cancel. He even asked me who I was going to the movie with! Blower....
I admit that I really don't have a mission or “purpose” in dating. I am not looking for a man and I am not looking for casual sex. I am not trying to marry anyone right now if ever. I guess you could say that I'm open to the possibilities.
But I had someone that reminded me of the possibilities, and then he left. So Friday night I was mostly thinking about him and I realize that the way I feel about him is a bit deeper than I care to admit or am prepared to deal with especially since there is nothing I can do with these emotions. So now I am really questioning my intentions in this "friendship" and wondering if I am just playing myself and being a sucker for love once again. I am the way I am and I don't want "fear to change who I am". I just want to be smart and I don't want to be hurt. Sometimes I feel hurt by it all. I feel like when we were dealing with each other, we both took our time/opportunity for granted. I can say that for me, I wish I could reclaim some lost moments and opportunities that I missed out on to spend time with him, be held by him, be kissed and touched by him and to just enjoy him due to fear, playing hard to get, wanting to maintain the upper hand, etc. I am sorry for it. Because I miss him and I'm mad that this love s&*$ keeps slipping through my fingers. When this sort of thing happens, it makes me question myself, messes with my head and self esteem and that's not even like me! I just don't even know what to do anymore. I know that I am a great woman and I just tell myself that as much as possible. I feel like I’ve been here before and this is just a test of my resolve and character.
I wish I could have an honest, open conversation with him about these feelings. But that seems so self serving, foolish and inappropriate to me. At least it would be for me to initiate such a conversation. I was hoping that when I came home from Africa, he would have had that conversation with me without us just moving ahead as "friends" like there was never anything between us. But maybe it's selfish for me to even feel like this. But man I..., F*&% it!
I like the way each woman's love story in S&TC was so different and realistic. I think that I'm most like Carrie (if I have to choose one) in that I am a dreamer when it comes to love, I believe in it, have experienced it (good and bad), and still believe in it. But also like Samantha, there are aspects of being in a commitment that feel so stifling and scary for me. I don't like the single life because I want to get my freak on but rather because I am such a loner and I know that's not cool in a relationship. I think that with the right person this could be cured though. To me Charlotte’s life resembles the America dream or the perfect love story (ending), although she notably (to me) has never had her own identity like the others. She's always been attached to a man and seems to find her value within the context of a relationship, something that I can’t identify with at all. Like, I don't ever remember her having a real career like the others. Miranda, represents that go getter part of me, that I think I would have to lose some of to make a relationship work. Like the part of my job that I love right now is that I travel. Some of my upcoming travel will require me to be gone for weeks at a time and although a bf/gf relationship might fare well with that, would a marriage...with kids? Probably not.
Regardless of how much of a sucker I am for love, I am not jaded at all and I know that I have the right ingredients to make something good work. The one thing that I've learned about love is that to make it work, it takes a level of selflessness that most people don't really understand. You have to constantly think of the other person. To me, it's like loving your child, it's not what they can do for you but rather how you can be a blessing to your partner and I believe they (a good mate) will naturally reciprocate. Those girls in the movie learned this. Selfishness is the root of all evil when it comes to relationships. When you start seeing things from the "what I want" perspective things quickly deteriorate.
I saw S&TC Friday night and the theme of the move was Love; it’s beautifulness, it's elusiveness (for some), the effort it takes to make it work, and the fact that it's defined as so many different things for so many people. I cried during this movie (I'm a big baby) because there were some moments that just hit home! I left very reflective, kind of melancholy and almost sad...
This morning as I jogged I thought about the state of my love life...or lack thereof with more clarity. Right now I am very single and I really hate the rigors of dating. I am not a serial dater and this is really the first time that I’ve been truly single. I have been meeting a lot of dudes lately but there is absolutely no one that I am interested in getting to know more. I really want to keep things very surface level and have fun and I am meeting people that want the exact opposite. I met one gentleman, "Mr. Syracuse"(older so not surprising) that feels the need to send me 6:00 am “Good Morning” texts in spite of the fact that we have not been on one date yet. We just met and merely shared pleasantires and brief (how old are you, what do you do, you got any kinds, etc) phone conversations. I was supposed to have a date with him on Friday night but I chose to go with my girls to see S&TC instead. He made it clear to me that he was not happy with me even though we had not even made solid plans and I called him well in advance to cancel. He even asked me who I was going to the movie with! Blower....
I admit that I really don't have a mission or “purpose” in dating. I am not looking for a man and I am not looking for casual sex. I am not trying to marry anyone right now if ever. I guess you could say that I'm open to the possibilities.
But I had someone that reminded me of the possibilities, and then he left. So Friday night I was mostly thinking about him and I realize that the way I feel about him is a bit deeper than I care to admit or am prepared to deal with especially since there is nothing I can do with these emotions. So now I am really questioning my intentions in this "friendship" and wondering if I am just playing myself and being a sucker for love once again. I am the way I am and I don't want "fear to change who I am". I just want to be smart and I don't want to be hurt. Sometimes I feel hurt by it all. I feel like when we were dealing with each other, we both took our time/opportunity for granted. I can say that for me, I wish I could reclaim some lost moments and opportunities that I missed out on to spend time with him, be held by him, be kissed and touched by him and to just enjoy him due to fear, playing hard to get, wanting to maintain the upper hand, etc. I am sorry for it. Because I miss him and I'm mad that this love s&*$ keeps slipping through my fingers. When this sort of thing happens, it makes me question myself, messes with my head and self esteem and that's not even like me! I just don't even know what to do anymore. I know that I am a great woman and I just tell myself that as much as possible. I feel like I’ve been here before and this is just a test of my resolve and character.
I wish I could have an honest, open conversation with him about these feelings. But that seems so self serving, foolish and inappropriate to me. At least it would be for me to initiate such a conversation. I was hoping that when I came home from Africa, he would have had that conversation with me without us just moving ahead as "friends" like there was never anything between us. But maybe it's selfish for me to even feel like this. But man I..., F*&% it!
I like the way each woman's love story in S&TC was so different and realistic. I think that I'm most like Carrie (if I have to choose one) in that I am a dreamer when it comes to love, I believe in it, have experienced it (good and bad), and still believe in it. But also like Samantha, there are aspects of being in a commitment that feel so stifling and scary for me. I don't like the single life because I want to get my freak on but rather because I am such a loner and I know that's not cool in a relationship. I think that with the right person this could be cured though. To me Charlotte’s life resembles the America dream or the perfect love story (ending), although she notably (to me) has never had her own identity like the others. She's always been attached to a man and seems to find her value within the context of a relationship, something that I can’t identify with at all. Like, I don't ever remember her having a real career like the others. Miranda, represents that go getter part of me, that I think I would have to lose some of to make a relationship work. Like the part of my job that I love right now is that I travel. Some of my upcoming travel will require me to be gone for weeks at a time and although a bf/gf relationship might fare well with that, would a marriage...with kids? Probably not.
Regardless of how much of a sucker I am for love, I am not jaded at all and I know that I have the right ingredients to make something good work. The one thing that I've learned about love is that to make it work, it takes a level of selflessness that most people don't really understand. You have to constantly think of the other person. To me, it's like loving your child, it's not what they can do for you but rather how you can be a blessing to your partner and I believe they (a good mate) will naturally reciprocate. Those girls in the movie learned this. Selfishness is the root of all evil when it comes to relationships. When you start seeing things from the "what I want" perspective things quickly deteriorate.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Back from Paradise
Wow! The Bahamas, what can I say about your gorgeousness? You are truly a sight to behold and a far greater wonder to experience. The only question that I have is why did I wait so long to partake in your splendor?
Okay so basically, I really enjoyed my time in the Bahamas. I know for a fact that this is just a prelude to my many travels to the Caribbean. There are so many islands that are now on my “must visit” list. My soul just lights up in tropical environments and the aftermath of enjoyment can even be noted in my “energy” when I return to the states. I just want to find a way to hold onto this positive energy until I can get away again.
We left the Bahamas to return stateside yesterday with a trail of heavy drinking, partying, eating to my taste buds' delight(and my waistline's dismay), and basking in the glory of the sun in our wake. The glow on my face tells it all and I’m not even playing when I said I cut loose in the Bahamas! I normally don't even drink like that, but when alcohol (any libation of your choosing) is in abundance 24 hours a day and it's already been paid for in your all inclusive package, what's a girl to do? I had drinks that I've never even heard of before and will probably never see again. The food was spectacular, the views were awesome and the men...can you say, young, chocolate deliciousness? And they all wanted to flirt and tell you how gorgeous you were every five minutes. It's a wonder my head did not explode all over Paradise Island. But the downfall was that they were all younger (like 20 and 22) and they live in the Bahamas and I in America. Honestly, what can I really do with those odds? One asked me, "so can I give you a reason to come back to the Bahamas"? To which I replied "yes, a first class ticket and a suite at the Hilton without you in it". To that he smiled and responded, "You American girls are so hard to get". I love a man with thick skin because that was rude as hell! Blame it on the alcohol. But we all got a good laugh and he was still fine as well aged wine when it was all said and done.
All in all a good time was had, and we made it back to the “smog, selfishness, and stress", not to mention foolery out of the mouths of dumb a$$ politicians (read Hillary Clinton) of the states in one piece. I actually had a dream a while back that HC made comments eluding to the assassination of Obama, no lie!
Today my boss was trying to find a politically correct way to tell me that I looked like I got a tan. He was so funny asking me questions like:
Boss: “So do you ever get sun burned”?
Me: “No because I use sunscreen”.
Boss: “So do you actually tan”?
Me: “Yes and quite easily might I add”.
Boss: “Yeah because you seem to have gotten a little tan”.
Why didn’t this dude just come out and say “dang girl you got blacker”! I guess that would not have gone over well, huh? Did I mention that my boss is Caucasian? LOL!
Why do people think that darker skinned black folks are immune to the sun? Crazy!
Mr. Man said he didn’t think I got darker… (That’s because you’re not privy to these tan lines playa!) I bought him a small “I was thinking of you while I was away” gift and his response was priceless. It’s so easy to love a man that appreciates the small blessings in life. That is such an attractive quality……
It’s good to be home.
Okay so basically, I really enjoyed my time in the Bahamas. I know for a fact that this is just a prelude to my many travels to the Caribbean. There are so many islands that are now on my “must visit” list. My soul just lights up in tropical environments and the aftermath of enjoyment can even be noted in my “energy” when I return to the states. I just want to find a way to hold onto this positive energy until I can get away again.
We left the Bahamas to return stateside yesterday with a trail of heavy drinking, partying, eating to my taste buds' delight(and my waistline's dismay), and basking in the glory of the sun in our wake. The glow on my face tells it all and I’m not even playing when I said I cut loose in the Bahamas! I normally don't even drink like that, but when alcohol (any libation of your choosing) is in abundance 24 hours a day and it's already been paid for in your all inclusive package, what's a girl to do? I had drinks that I've never even heard of before and will probably never see again. The food was spectacular, the views were awesome and the men...can you say, young, chocolate deliciousness? And they all wanted to flirt and tell you how gorgeous you were every five minutes. It's a wonder my head did not explode all over Paradise Island. But the downfall was that they were all younger (like 20 and 22) and they live in the Bahamas and I in America. Honestly, what can I really do with those odds? One asked me, "so can I give you a reason to come back to the Bahamas"? To which I replied "yes, a first class ticket and a suite at the Hilton without you in it". To that he smiled and responded, "You American girls are so hard to get". I love a man with thick skin because that was rude as hell! Blame it on the alcohol. But we all got a good laugh and he was still fine as well aged wine when it was all said and done.
All in all a good time was had, and we made it back to the “smog, selfishness, and stress", not to mention foolery out of the mouths of dumb a$$ politicians (read Hillary Clinton) of the states in one piece. I actually had a dream a while back that HC made comments eluding to the assassination of Obama, no lie!
Today my boss was trying to find a politically correct way to tell me that I looked like I got a tan. He was so funny asking me questions like:
Boss: “So do you ever get sun burned”?
Me: “No because I use sunscreen”.
Boss: “So do you actually tan”?
Me: “Yes and quite easily might I add”.
Boss: “Yeah because you seem to have gotten a little tan”.
Why didn’t this dude just come out and say “dang girl you got blacker”! I guess that would not have gone over well, huh? Did I mention that my boss is Caucasian? LOL!
Why do people think that darker skinned black folks are immune to the sun? Crazy!
Mr. Man said he didn’t think I got darker… (That’s because you’re not privy to these tan lines playa!) I bought him a small “I was thinking of you while I was away” gift and his response was priceless. It’s so easy to love a man that appreciates the small blessings in life. That is such an attractive quality……
It’s good to be home.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Overcoming Pain through Words
I had a conversation today that turned into a pretty deep discussion about some heavy stuff that's happened to me in the past. The way that the conversation transitioned to this deep place was so organic that I was able to express myself freely without reservation. At one point in the conversation, he asked me why we'd never discussed this stuff before and I simply replied that it just never really came up.
He also made some comments that really stuck with me and provoked me to think a little more about when you really know if you are over a deep hurt or if we can ever truly get over something like being physically, verbally or sexually abused? I wonder? He said to me "you speak so calmly about this stuff". I do because I realize that every time I speak on it, whether in its entirety or in part, I become empowered. I release any residual pain through the words that I use to share my story with a trusted friend. Yes, I am also able to speak freely on it because I trust him and I know that he cares.
Human beings are very resilient and we often give ourselves less credit for our strength. I mentioned to him that I never really mourned over the things that happened to me, because I simply did not have the time back then. I had to get on my grind to make it and that was and has remained my focus.
To me what I do with the power I've gained from becoming unafraid to share my pain is what matters now. Am I saying that I should air all my business in the street? NO! But I am saying that I will never again feel ashamed of things that happened to me when I was unable to defend myself or words that were said to me when I was not wise enough to know that the devil is a liar. Other people have always told me "Gem you are so strong" and though I believed them I often focused on my weaknesses instead of really acknowledging my strength.
Weather I am completely healed of the wounds of my past remains to be seen. I admit that I work hard at earning people’s acceptance and love because I was once told that I was “unlovable”. I remind myself daily that I am a gem and all I really need to do is relax and let them recognize it too. I know that I am really hard on myself and I get frustrated easily at my imperfections because I was once told that I would “never be anything”. When the fact is that I am flawed and I will never be perfect but my imperfections give me character and make me beautiful. I no longer need to prove the naysayers wrong because I know who I am and frankly, if they saw all that I’ve become, they’d weep. These are things that I am recognizing and continuing to work on.
I want to share my (past) pain not only to bolster my own strength, but to strengthen others and to be a safe zone for those that are still haunted by their past and finding it difficult to progress because of it.
To me this is the only we reason why we survive the things that don’t "kill us".
He also made some comments that really stuck with me and provoked me to think a little more about when you really know if you are over a deep hurt or if we can ever truly get over something like being physically, verbally or sexually abused? I wonder? He said to me "you speak so calmly about this stuff". I do because I realize that every time I speak on it, whether in its entirety or in part, I become empowered. I release any residual pain through the words that I use to share my story with a trusted friend. Yes, I am also able to speak freely on it because I trust him and I know that he cares.
Human beings are very resilient and we often give ourselves less credit for our strength. I mentioned to him that I never really mourned over the things that happened to me, because I simply did not have the time back then. I had to get on my grind to make it and that was and has remained my focus.
To me what I do with the power I've gained from becoming unafraid to share my pain is what matters now. Am I saying that I should air all my business in the street? NO! But I am saying that I will never again feel ashamed of things that happened to me when I was unable to defend myself or words that were said to me when I was not wise enough to know that the devil is a liar. Other people have always told me "Gem you are so strong" and though I believed them I often focused on my weaknesses instead of really acknowledging my strength.
Weather I am completely healed of the wounds of my past remains to be seen. I admit that I work hard at earning people’s acceptance and love because I was once told that I was “unlovable”. I remind myself daily that I am a gem and all I really need to do is relax and let them recognize it too. I know that I am really hard on myself and I get frustrated easily at my imperfections because I was once told that I would “never be anything”. When the fact is that I am flawed and I will never be perfect but my imperfections give me character and make me beautiful. I no longer need to prove the naysayers wrong because I know who I am and frankly, if they saw all that I’ve become, they’d weep. These are things that I am recognizing and continuing to work on.
I want to share my (past) pain not only to bolster my own strength, but to strengthen others and to be a safe zone for those that are still haunted by their past and finding it difficult to progress because of it.
To me this is the only we reason why we survive the things that don’t "kill us".
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