Growing Pains

I can always tell when I've made the right decision in a situation; my emotions are unhappy but my mind is clear. My resolve is strengthened.

The heart wants what it wants. My heart wants a companion, a future husband; one that is witty, godly, intellectual, funny, successful, smart, educated, sweet, compassionate, attractive, etc...

I saw potential there. But he wasn’t for me (at least not at this time) because he DID NOT CHOOSE ME! I'm learning...it only took me 8 months this time instead of 3 years. Thank God for giving me this moment of clarity.

I think I said everything I wanted to say. The conversation went well. There is no love lost and even the heated discourse was compassionate and intellectually stimulating (darn that man, LOL!!) so that's how I know we'll both remember each other fondly. Which for me, is a happy ending.

He expressed disappointment in my decision. Which lets me know that he didn’t really expect me to make the choice I did. HA! Men are funny to me. All of a sudden he could picture himself having a change of heart. Maybe he will. But I can't afford to wait around for it.

As I said to him, if he's a person that God will have for me, he will come to his senses and come back around and I will gladly receive him. I know God will not withhold any good thing from me, His word says so. And with that, I bid you adieu sir...

One of my girls said this to me after I told her about the ending: "girl, u r growing leaps and bounds. God is smiling on u right now he's like, "look at my baby girl"...

Amen. I pray that He is...

Needs to be Said

You know what? I really need to say this:

It's been really refreshing conversing with Cope. I keep reverting back to the conversation from last night. Being a professional woman in the DC area is hard. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've always first and foremost seen myself as a wife and mother. But as I've grown and realized that those roles don't always come so easily, I've refocused my energy on the things I can control like my education and career. I think this is what a lot of women do.

So when men run across women that seem to be all about their career, it's often not her first choice but rather a default position as a result of the relationship thing seeming unattainable. After all, men do the choosing, not women. God made men the gatekeepers of marriage, by virtue of the fact that men do the asking of the woman's hand in marriage (i don't care that women now ask men too, I'm an old fashioned girl). Not to mention there are a lot of men who are simply non-committal!

It's so refreshing and encouraging to make the acquaintance of a man who knows what he wants and seems ready to do what he needs to pursue it and will not play games with his woman. I was starting to think all "decent" (smart, educated, can hold a conversation, has a job, handsome, no kids, Christian, etc) men are simply content to deal with multiple women forever. Even if it goes nowhere, I'm really enjoying being proven wrong.(:)(:)(:)

Love in a Time of Famine

"We aren't victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we've simply chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God's standard. Since we found God's standard too difficult, we created a mixture -- something new, something comfortable, something mediocre."

What God wants for me is His best, the most perfect gift that he could ever give me. But to reach this, it takes sacrifice on my part. I'm learning every day, that this walk of abstinence will be traversed on an often lonely road. I've always been prepared for the loneliness of being rejected by the opposite sex, what's catching me off guard is finding fellow sisters in Christ who are also sold out.

I think/I know what's missing is our complete adherence to God's word in every area of our lives. That seems easier in other areas than with sexual purity. Somehow we find ways to justify sexual sin as "the one sin" that God will just have to deal with us on...as if we only have one sin. I've done it. Does that make me unworthy of having a heart change and being totally convicted now? I don't think so, grace says that's not so. Yet I admit, at times I feel like I don't have the right! I've had sex and lot's of it. I'm nobody's angel or virgin.

Today I read a (supposed to be Christian relationship) blog where the writer was using Bible scripture to admonish her readership against "having sex too soon" in a relationship! She caveat(ed) by saying "but for the Christian, too soon is any sex before marriage". I was floored! Is this not a Christian based blog? Why are you even discussing any other type of sex? But I didn’t comment! I just got upset and unsubscribed...Silly me.

In those moments I hear the Spirit of the Lord saying, "You need to speak up! This world is starving for the truth. There is famine in the land and you have the manna of God's word, so share it in its unadulterated truth. You think that love is sparing the feelings of others. But my love is conviction that at times cuts like a knife but sets you free by grace. Share it"! Yet I remain silent and I feel guilty....

I Want That Old Thing Back

I miss my life before FB, Twitter, etc. Today I decided I want it back. So I’m taking it back.

The other day I counted how many times I logged in to my twitter and/or FB account and the answer was "you need to get a life". Really, I have no life right now. I'll literally sit there (while watching a movie) and hit refresh on my social networking tool of choice umpteen times. I think it's sad. So I deleted everything.

Sure, I could decrease the number of times I log in but the real issue is I just don't want to consume other people's lives anymore. I want to live my own and not share it with people I don't really consider friends in real life. So I deleted everything.

I want to write again, I want to take a cooking class, I want to study for the GMAT, I want to look for jobs in Chicago, and not share any of it, unless it’s with my support system. I'm glad people are having birthdays, babies, parties, weddings, etc. But I don't care or want to care. So I deleted everything.

Most of the content is not conducive to where I am in my life right now. I spend a considerable amount of time hiding people from my newsfeed, unfriending and blocking people.

I deleted the last guy I was "talking to" because I realized that whole reason I kept him as a FB friend was to use it to somehow manipulate him into missing me, thinking of me, wanting me etc. I'm on a spiritual journey to clean up my life, change my motives, and be more sincere in the way I move, So I deleted everything.

Ahhhhh

My Heart's Desire...

no drama, no ridiculousness, no guessing, no games, no excuses, no lopsidedness, no extra people, no rollercoastering, nothing contrived, nothing difficult. just easy and natural...

I'm Getting Mine, God is getting His

Free was right, there's a confidence, self-esteem boost and all around good feeling that comes with accomplishing some goals! In less than 3 months I've walked across the stage to receive my college degree and obtained a very important professional credential. God is good...I'm winning.

I'm saying this because I need to..I struggle with tooting my own horn because it does not seem humble. But I know that God gets his glory through my life, so toot, toot!

Onward and Upward

Scars

Listening to J. Moss "Rebuild Me"

It's funny almost creepy how the past will come back to haunt you, taunt you in the weirdest way at the most inopportune time. That's usually when it's time to sit still and listen to the Spirit of the Lord speak...

I've been contemplating blogging again...I've never been great at keeping a written journal (maybe it's that I don't like writing by hand) but no less than 3 people in the past week have begged me to "journal" regarding some stuff...I was fighting it. I'd determined that I'm healed of all things past and to confess otherwise is to deny my faith that God has done His work...I'm at times foolish and hard headed.

So there I was in the mirror, admiring my physique ('cause I've been working out, eating right and I look hot!)...my eyes glazed over my curves, admiring the tone in my arms, the 3 piece forming into my abs, then they landed on the first scar and then the second and the third, and the tears fromed and my mind flooded with memories. All I could do was cry out...and ask God why? Why would He allow this, and why does it still hurt?

"Jesus also bears scars He said, to remind me of the sacrifice, the pain, the cost, but most importantly, the victory. Your pain was not in vain. Healing is a process, walk in it without shame...for my glory".

I'm going to deal with this...