Scars

Listening to J. Moss "Rebuild Me"

It's funny almost creepy how the past will come back to haunt you, taunt you in the weirdest way at the most inopportune time. That's usually when it's time to sit still and listen to the Spirit of the Lord speak...

I've been contemplating blogging again...I've never been great at keeping a written journal (maybe it's that I don't like writing by hand) but no less than 3 people in the past week have begged me to "journal" regarding some stuff...I was fighting it. I'd determined that I'm healed of all things past and to confess otherwise is to deny my faith that God has done His work...I'm at times foolish and hard headed.

So there I was in the mirror, admiring my physique ('cause I've been working out, eating right and I look hot!)...my eyes glazed over my curves, admiring the tone in my arms, the 3 piece forming into my abs, then they landed on the first scar and then the second and the third, and the tears fromed and my mind flooded with memories. All I could do was cry out...and ask God why? Why would He allow this, and why does it still hurt?

"Jesus also bears scars He said, to remind me of the sacrifice, the pain, the cost, but most importantly, the victory. Your pain was not in vain. Healing is a process, walk in it without shame...for my glory".

I'm going to deal with this...

No Tears

No tears, no broken-hearted soliloquies. God’s got this. He's got me covered. I'll be just fine...

I thought I'd be a mess for weeks, months, forever...but mercy said "NO"! I cried out to God, he counted my tears and said "THAT'S ENOUGH"! I feel stronger each day. Through this process I'm learning to allow people to be there for me, to allow myself to be transparent even to myself in order to release and be healed. I'm on the cusp of total peace. I acknowledge the still daily tug at my heart. I embrace the fond memories and even allow myself to reflect on what could have been. I even thank God for this yearning. They let me know that my heart is still open. I want to stay open to the possibilities. Yet I pray that the lessons learned will make me wiser, a bit more pragmatic, and careful.

It's natural. I was created as a woman by God to nurture such longing, such hope for the love of a man and for unborn children. If the woman did not commit to keep the hope flame alive, who would?

But I was never created to feel desperate, insecure, unloveable or heartbroken. God has ordered my steps and I only desire to walk in the path he's prepared for me.

God's way is not popular, fun, or easy but there is safety and protection therein. I want to feel safe and secure in God's unconditional and perfect love. His way is the path for me.

Facebook Foolishness

After my mini meltdown this morning and feeling a general hopelessness about getting the love I want, I am encouraged by something.

I want to preface by saying that I think that FB by and large is useless! It's only useful for people who are really interesting/funny or have a business that they are promoting. It's also (unfortunately) useful for people who want to use it to hurt other people in a passive aggressive way. After being on the short end of that more than once, I deleted and blocked all people associated with nonsense on FB.

After I did that (and did some self inventory) I realized that I am guilty of using it to see things that other people are doing that often hurt me. Like I know it's there and I've unwillingly/willingly seen it and regardless of how "petty" anyone thinks I am for feeling this way, I felt like they were done in a hurtful way. So I made a conscious decision to not go looking on certain people's pages etc....Rambling I know….

Basically what I'm saying is that AFTER I took measures to delete and BLOCK these people I realized that there really is nothing else for me to see on FB!! Lol! Unless I go and unblock these people and that would be me asking for punishment. So I won’t do that. I want to heal.

I was invited to something via FB today and when I logged in this is the first thing that I saw:

Dear Isabella, you are daddy's princess but 1st came the queen. You see before I could become a father I had to become a husband. Not just any husband but the husband worthy to share my life with the one that was meant for me, your mother. God commissioned me to find my soulmate and to wed, honor, and protect her. And 2 years ago today, before Him, we vowed to love each other forever. I love you, April Nicole Young.

So the moral of this ramble is that these are the rare moments that FB is used for niceness and pleasantness and I needed to see this. I’m not going as far as deleting my account because there are people that want to keep in distant contact with me and I them and for now, I like that.

Come Back, Don't Leave Me....this way

I knew it was to good to be true. I let so much out this weekend. I told trusted friends about my issues, got prayer, went to church, even talked to him and I thought I was feeling better. I thought was going to be OK. I'm not OK. When will I be OK? Please don't leave me like this. I need just a little more time. I'm longing for you sooo much. Maybe it's at night but I can't sleep at all. I'm just sitting here sad. I'm not crying, finally! But I'm soooo sad.

I need more time.

Struggling...

I'm struggling
I'm hurting
I'm confused
I'm questioning
I'm wrestling
I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm crying
I'm praying
I'm hoping
I'm trying

I Remember

"This is not to get confused, this one's for you...."

We've not spoken much lately
And it's been longer since I've seen your face
For my own good I had to set you free I had to let you go but I think of you daily
My heart hasn't thrown our love away

I remember you...your gentle ways, your patience with me,
never rushing me to love, you took your time, you learned me

Your fun loving essence, antonymous to my uptightness I recall your vibrancy each time I hear certain Musiq
I get lost in thoughts of you, as I sit and reminisce

I think of how You restored my faith and reminded me of the possibilities of love
I remember how loving you felt so effortless and everything I am was just enough

Have I ever told you thank you?
Even when I focused on the junk, my love for you was always true

Perhaps I forgot to tell you, if I did let me mention again
I love you my dear and today I remember my friend

Back to Blogging

I've gone back and forth about whether or not to continue with this blog. I realized that in the past, I blogged as a way to deal with a particular situation. It helped me through the painful times. For whatever reason, after my ex was murdered I became uninspired. I just forgot to blog, though I've had some great content. I realized though, that my blog was always helpful to me in terms of releasing...and I miss having that outlet. One thing that's been great in my life is that for whatever reason, me and my best girlfriends have been closer than ever! In the past I didn't really share too much of what was going on with anyone so I basically needed this blog to vent, LOL! Now I've realized that I just want to be here, however randomly or sporadically, I want to blog again! Huraaayyyy!!!