Sunday, May 3, 2009


It is 2:10am on Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I suddenly don't want to be alone at all anymore. I realize that I spend a lot (too much) time alone, aside from work, school, etc, where I am forced to be around others. I suddenly want to gather all the people I love into one room and be with them all the time.

I found out that my first love was shot and murdered on Friday morning. My ex (the second man I ever loved) was the deliverer of the awful news; how ironic and sad. The latent reaction I had came full force as I cried in the arms of the last man I ever loved. Tonight I found out more details and I lost all composure. I guess it's true that when you love someone you never really stop. When it's real, it's forever. It was rocky, it was painful at times but it was real. He wanted to marry me. But for good reason, I declined. Everyone that knew us then, has called to comfort me. They knew how I loved my Prince. They were there to witness it all. My girls remember the night rides we took to DC our senior year in high school, so I could see "what was really going on". He was my first love, my first heartbreak...the one that I thought I'd "die without". I didn't die, I am still here...I wish he was too. I wish people that he thought were his "friends" did not devalue his life so much. I wish his son still had a father and his mother still had a son.

I watched the fight with my friends tonight. It was a good distraction, but now I really don't want to be alone. I wish my love was here to hold me. I've tried everything. Maybe I'll take something to help me sleep. Me with my delayed reactions. I thought I was okay. I guess I rationalized that since we have not been together in so many years, my response would/should be light. Like why should I feel so hurt? "He was your first love P". "It's okay to cry". that's what ex number two said tonight. So I will cry myself to sleep.