"This is not to get confused, this one's for you...."
We've not spoken much lately
And it's been longer since I've seen your face
For my own good I had to set you free I had to let you go but I think of you daily
My heart hasn't thrown our love away
I remember you...your gentle ways, your patience with me,
never rushing me to love, you took your time, you learned me
Your fun loving essence, antonymous to my uptightness I recall your vibrancy each time I hear certain Musiq
I get lost in thoughts of you, as I sit and reminisce
I think of how You restored my faith and reminded me of the possibilities of love
I remember how loving you felt so effortless and everything I am was just enough
Have I ever told you thank you?
Even when I focused on the junk, my love for you was always true
Perhaps I forgot to tell you, if I did let me mention again
I love you my dear and today I remember my friend
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Back to Blogging
I've gone back and forth about whether or not to continue with this blog. I realized that in the past, I blogged as a way to deal with a particular situation. It helped me through the painful times. For whatever reason, after my ex was murdered I became uninspired. I just forgot to blog, though I've had some great content. I realized though, that my blog was always helpful to me in terms of releasing...and I miss having that outlet. One thing that's been great in my life is that for whatever reason, me and my best girlfriends have been closer than ever! In the past I didn't really share too much of what was going on with anyone so I basically needed this blog to vent, LOL! Now I've realized that I just want to be here, however randomly or sporadically, I want to blog again! Huraaayyyy!!!
Summer of 2009-Reflecting
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."—Charles Dickens
This summer has been crazy! Well it's practically over now, but I'm taking a moment to reflect. Two aspects in particular stand out to me; death and birth.
Some deaths did not directly affect me but still took a moment to deal with (Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett among others)....
and then there was the death of a dear, dear friend of mine. Every time I think of him, picture his face, remember our last hug, I get sad and I need to take a moment to regroup. He was such a beautiful human being inside and out and though he knew and loved God and is in a better place, it hurts no less. Thinking of his new bride who is now a widow after a few short months of being married to her King seems no less tragic. I miss him, I'm still mourning him and things will just never be the same without J!
The thing I've realized though is that as much death that has befallen some loved ones, there have been children being born all around me. From close friends to old school pals, folks have been popping out some babies man! All this just makes me thank God that he always replenishes what is lost, figuratively and literally.
This summer I went to Puerto Rico with my girls and also had the opportunity to visit Brazil. Both beautiful places in their own right and both inspiring to me. I love traveling; I discover something new about myself whenever I go somewhere. I also discover something new about God. I always feel him ever so close and I know that he's trying to show me something, teach me something. I want to learn whatever it is.
This summer has been crazy! Well it's practically over now, but I'm taking a moment to reflect. Two aspects in particular stand out to me; death and birth.
Some deaths did not directly affect me but still took a moment to deal with (Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett among others)....
and then there was the death of a dear, dear friend of mine. Every time I think of him, picture his face, remember our last hug, I get sad and I need to take a moment to regroup. He was such a beautiful human being inside and out and though he knew and loved God and is in a better place, it hurts no less. Thinking of his new bride who is now a widow after a few short months of being married to her King seems no less tragic. I miss him, I'm still mourning him and things will just never be the same without J!
The thing I've realized though is that as much death that has befallen some loved ones, there have been children being born all around me. From close friends to old school pals, folks have been popping out some babies man! All this just makes me thank God that he always replenishes what is lost, figuratively and literally.
This summer I went to Puerto Rico with my girls and also had the opportunity to visit Brazil. Both beautiful places in their own right and both inspiring to me. I love traveling; I discover something new about myself whenever I go somewhere. I also discover something new about God. I always feel him ever so close and I know that he's trying to show me something, teach me something. I want to learn whatever it is.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Insomnia
It is 2:10am on Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I suddenly don't want to be alone at all anymore. I realize that I spend a lot (too much) time alone, aside from work, school, etc, where I am forced to be around others. I suddenly want to gather all the people I love into one room and be with them all the time.
I found out that my first love was shot and murdered on Friday morning. My ex (the second man I ever loved) was the deliverer of the awful news; how ironic and sad. The latent reaction I had came full force as I cried in the arms of the last man I ever loved. Tonight I found out more details and I lost all composure. I guess it's true that when you love someone you never really stop. When it's real, it's forever. It was rocky, it was painful at times but it was real. He wanted to marry me. But for good reason, I declined. Everyone that knew us then, has called to comfort me. They knew how I loved my Prince. They were there to witness it all. My girls remember the night rides we took to DC our senior year in high school, so I could see "what was really going on". He was my first love, my first heartbreak...the one that I thought I'd "die without". I didn't die, I am still here...I wish he was too. I wish people that he thought were his "friends" did not devalue his life so much. I wish his son still had a father and his mother still had a son.
I watched the fight with my friends tonight. It was a good distraction, but now I really don't want to be alone. I wish my love was here to hold me. I've tried everything. Maybe I'll take something to help me sleep. Me with my delayed reactions. I thought I was okay. I guess I rationalized that since we have not been together in so many years, my response would/should be light. Like why should I feel so hurt? "He was your first love P". "It's okay to cry". that's what ex number two said tonight. So I will cry myself to sleep.
I found out that my first love was shot and murdered on Friday morning. My ex (the second man I ever loved) was the deliverer of the awful news; how ironic and sad. The latent reaction I had came full force as I cried in the arms of the last man I ever loved. Tonight I found out more details and I lost all composure. I guess it's true that when you love someone you never really stop. When it's real, it's forever. It was rocky, it was painful at times but it was real. He wanted to marry me. But for good reason, I declined. Everyone that knew us then, has called to comfort me. They knew how I loved my Prince. They were there to witness it all. My girls remember the night rides we took to DC our senior year in high school, so I could see "what was really going on". He was my first love, my first heartbreak...the one that I thought I'd "die without". I didn't die, I am still here...I wish he was too. I wish people that he thought were his "friends" did not devalue his life so much. I wish his son still had a father and his mother still had a son.
I watched the fight with my friends tonight. It was a good distraction, but now I really don't want to be alone. I wish my love was here to hold me. I've tried everything. Maybe I'll take something to help me sleep. Me with my delayed reactions. I thought I was okay. I guess I rationalized that since we have not been together in so many years, my response would/should be light. Like why should I feel so hurt? "He was your first love P". "It's okay to cry". that's what ex number two said tonight. So I will cry myself to sleep.
Monday, April 20, 2009
He Found Me
This is a cute little (true) story that happened to me. It really encouraged me on the "love" front.
I met this guy, really randomly and we instantly began a conversation. I was in one of my open & friendly moods (it does pay to smile) that day so I guess that was radiating off me and inviting all kinds of positive energy towards me. Anyway, during the conversation we started talking about what we do for a living. He's a labor lawyer, I'm a project manager. Our conversation quickly turned to developing countries (specifically countries in my beloved AFRICA) so naturally he peaked my interest. Anyway at the end of the convo, I guess we were too shy to force the issue by"booking" each other so we left it at alone; both armed with good clues to find each other if we so wished; name, organization, area worked....
I tossed the idea of looking him up around for a minute and then decided against it. I've decided I'm done working so hard to get a man's attention. After a week, I just wrote him off and left the thought of him as well as all my realities behind as I headed off to Cali. Got back and decided to clear my voice mails (I'm horrible at checking both personal and professional voice mails; (this is a terrible and trifling habit from which I need deliverance<:)) and would you know, he'd found me and left a voice mail the very next day, stating that he was going to Nepal for two weeks and would love to see me again upon his return...
Another "interesting" part of this whole scenario? He's of another persuasion. For some reason I'm tickled that a white man's interested in me. I'm mean, I'm not opposed and by no means do I see this as "better" or feel like it's something special, I've just never been pursued by a non-black man before, ever. I'm just amused. No offense to anyone. And the man is fine!<:)
This encouraged me (hell I'd even venture to say boosted my ego a little<:)) because I was just being me and made an impression on someone enough for them to do a little work to get to me. He really took a chance too. Because I could have gotten amnesia and cursed him out or filed a police report. I did not have to initiate anything, do any work, or exert too much effort and honestly that's refreshing and uplifting. I've been told that when true love comes, it'll feel something like that. Not saying this man is him but I know that the more I allow God to take control the more moments like this I'll have which will become my standard so when he does appear, I'll know what he feels like.
I love the Lord for this. Just the small little things he does to show His love for me. If you think about it, we NEVER have to work for God's love. It's easy and natural, we just fall back and receive it.
I met this guy, really randomly and we instantly began a conversation. I was in one of my open & friendly moods (it does pay to smile) that day so I guess that was radiating off me and inviting all kinds of positive energy towards me. Anyway, during the conversation we started talking about what we do for a living. He's a labor lawyer, I'm a project manager. Our conversation quickly turned to developing countries (specifically countries in my beloved AFRICA) so naturally he peaked my interest. Anyway at the end of the convo, I guess we were too shy to force the issue by"booking" each other so we left it at alone; both armed with good clues to find each other if we so wished; name, organization, area worked....
I tossed the idea of looking him up around for a minute and then decided against it. I've decided I'm done working so hard to get a man's attention. After a week, I just wrote him off and left the thought of him as well as all my realities behind as I headed off to Cali. Got back and decided to clear my voice mails (I'm horrible at checking both personal and professional voice mails; (this is a terrible and trifling habit from which I need deliverance<:)) and would you know, he'd found me and left a voice mail the very next day, stating that he was going to Nepal for two weeks and would love to see me again upon his return...
Another "interesting" part of this whole scenario? He's of another persuasion. For some reason I'm tickled that a white man's interested in me. I'm mean, I'm not opposed and by no means do I see this as "better" or feel like it's something special, I've just never been pursued by a non-black man before, ever. I'm just amused. No offense to anyone. And the man is fine!<:)
This encouraged me (hell I'd even venture to say boosted my ego a little<:)) because I was just being me and made an impression on someone enough for them to do a little work to get to me. He really took a chance too. Because I could have gotten amnesia and cursed him out or filed a police report. I did not have to initiate anything, do any work, or exert too much effort and honestly that's refreshing and uplifting. I've been told that when true love comes, it'll feel something like that. Not saying this man is him but I know that the more I allow God to take control the more moments like this I'll have which will become my standard so when he does appear, I'll know what he feels like.
I love the Lord for this. Just the small little things he does to show His love for me. If you think about it, we NEVER have to work for God's love. It's easy and natural, we just fall back and receive it.
Girrrllll, where you been?
I've been M.I.A from my blog for a minute but that's only because life is taking some random pleasant twists and turns and the kid has had to focus my energy that way...But for updates sakes, here goes:
This is old but--Cali was great! I needed that rest and I'm glad I was reminded how much I adore San Francisco. There are so many artsy and eclectic places and things to explore. It. Was. Great! The end...
I got promoted at work (last week actually) which=double my work load and demands even more of my focus. I literally get to log into my "personal" accounts and things once per day, if I'm lucky and that's during my "lunch break" via my cell phone.
I've just been relaxing, studying the WORD, getting refreshed spiritually and remaining focused.
It's also the home stretch for spring semester so that means that my evenings/nights are not mine. I'll be in school this summer but I'm so looking forward to a less rigid schedule.
Other than, I'm just chilling and spending time with those who want to spent time with me and that's in every aspect of my relationships.<:) From time to time I find myself slipping into "feeling some kinda way" mode and I just quickly reel it back in. I have the power within me to control my emotions and I'm exercising it. I think the most important lessons I've learned recently is not to be so hard on myself. So I'm practicing that.
This is old but--Cali was great! I needed that rest and I'm glad I was reminded how much I adore San Francisco. There are so many artsy and eclectic places and things to explore. It. Was. Great! The end...
I got promoted at work (last week actually) which=double my work load and demands even more of my focus. I literally get to log into my "personal" accounts and things once per day, if I'm lucky and that's during my "lunch break" via my cell phone.
I've just been relaxing, studying the WORD, getting refreshed spiritually and remaining focused.
It's also the home stretch for spring semester so that means that my evenings/nights are not mine. I'll be in school this summer but I'm so looking forward to a less rigid schedule.
Other than, I'm just chilling and spending time with those who want to spent time with me and that's in every aspect of my relationships.<:) From time to time I find myself slipping into "feeling some kinda way" mode and I just quickly reel it back in. I have the power within me to control my emotions and I'm exercising it. I think the most important lessons I've learned recently is not to be so hard on myself. So I'm practicing that.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Lamentations on Love - I Just Wanna Be Free
At her show while performing "Take Me", Teedra Moses said "I want to fall in love again yall". "It's been 8 years, damn". LOL! I thought to myself why? Why Teedra? "Why do you want to fall in love, to have someone bring temporary happiness just to snatch it away? Why, why, why? Cynical view, I know but really what does love do, but disappoint? Yes there are the moments and periods of happiness and even in those times I'll be wondering when is the crap going to hit the fan? When is he going to come to me and say he doesn't want this anymore? He doesn't want to be with me, I'm an amazing woman but he's just not there right now. He's sorry he cheated? I just don't know yall!! There's no such thing as enjoying the moment, only to regret it later. Where would I be right now if I'd said "no" to some moments? Would I be better off for "using my head" or left wondering and living with the regret of missed opportunitues? I can't win. It's not like this with ANYTHING else! If I enjoy the moment with my girlfriends I never regret it later. I just want this to make sense to me. I don't do well with things that don't make sense. I'm scared right now. Not scared but weery...I'm skeptical. It will take a lot to make me give in again. I know that for sure. God himself will need to whisper audibly and clearly to me. I can't be knocked down again. I just can't. I'm guarding my heart...as God in his Word instructs me to.
This is what paralyzes me, keeps me from calling or returning phone calls. I'm on the cusp of melancholy and peace...getting closer to peace each day. I want to be for once, totally emotionally detached. Not loving someone, not missing anyone. Not wishing he was still here. I just want to be free. I've never been free. I spent three years with the first, 8 years with the next. Almost two years trying to have the last. I want to be free. I feel like love has always been that thing that eludes me. The one area where I don't have it together, my dirty little secret. She's a diva but don't nobody want her. She's all that but he won't committ to her. She's so smart, why did he cheat on her?
I have some questions. Is there ever a place in love where you feel like that business is finished, we both gave our best, we moved on and there are no casualties? I don't know. I don't know of any situations like that. Do you? There's always someone left feeling like there was more to be shared, there's more that could have been done. When does love leave you totally satisfied? Never it seems. At least not in my experience. It's always bittersweet. I just want the sweet, for once, forever. I know hurt is a part of life, but I don't want to hurt anymore. Maybe I just need to rebuild myself, my esteem, my faith in love. I want to Be okay again...then think about this love thing again. But right now, it's just not for me. I just want to be free. Like it or not, this is my truth.
This is what paralyzes me, keeps me from calling or returning phone calls. I'm on the cusp of melancholy and peace...getting closer to peace each day. I want to be for once, totally emotionally detached. Not loving someone, not missing anyone. Not wishing he was still here. I just want to be free. I've never been free. I spent three years with the first, 8 years with the next. Almost two years trying to have the last. I want to be free. I feel like love has always been that thing that eludes me. The one area where I don't have it together, my dirty little secret. She's a diva but don't nobody want her. She's all that but he won't committ to her. She's so smart, why did he cheat on her?
I have some questions. Is there ever a place in love where you feel like that business is finished, we both gave our best, we moved on and there are no casualties? I don't know. I don't know of any situations like that. Do you? There's always someone left feeling like there was more to be shared, there's more that could have been done. When does love leave you totally satisfied? Never it seems. At least not in my experience. It's always bittersweet. I just want the sweet, for once, forever. I know hurt is a part of life, but I don't want to hurt anymore. Maybe I just need to rebuild myself, my esteem, my faith in love. I want to Be okay again...then think about this love thing again. But right now, it's just not for me. I just want to be free. Like it or not, this is my truth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
