Monday, March 30, 2009
The start of last week was crazy, emotionally, work, personal, a mess! But I made it through. The end of the week was wonderful. I had another incident with the car, but walked away from it only $132.00 out of pocket with a sleek black Nissan Altima rental with a fancy touch ignition starter for a week. That curbed (for now) my appetite for new car. I'm getting my Acura back this week, in better shape and probably looking brand new. Aint I blessed as I can be.....
I'm loving my new smart phone and even more LOVE not having to carry two phones around (I never used to answer my personal phone anyway). This is much better and makes so much more sense. Who am I P-Diddy?
I told my friend the other day that I don't feel like I'm doing anything great right now. He checked my mess at the door! My argument was that I bought a house, started my career path, bought a "nice car" and established myself all before 23 and now I'm like what's next? I think this is why I'm so unimpressed with a lot of stuff now. I think subconsciously I was preparing to be married and having children by now, you know, the next phase in my life. What a joke...I mean I even purposed to NOT bring (bad ) debt into my marriage and I made that happen! So where's my husband so I can upgrade him? LOL! But I'm doing my school thing and progressing, so that's doing a lot. I really need to put in more work with my non-proft. Registered it and all.
I can't wait for the Teedra Moses concert on Thursday!! I am in my party/fun mood again. I'm such a sun child.
I've been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends lately and I'm a better woman/friend for it. That's the cure for loneliness right there, great girlfriends and I have some good ones!
I keep hearing my boys say that there aren't many good men out here! WHAT!!??? Where are these chickens, gold diggers and low down women? Color me naive because I don't know of any and I never want to!
I am less than two weeks from Cali-forn-ia!! I can already feel the sand between my toes on the sun beaming down on my chocolate skin!! Yummy...
My (mostly) raw diet has really made my nails grow long and STRONG. That's putting a dent in that "need milk for calcium" theory. Did I mention I love hot yoga? I'm getting kind of tired of the "you're like a white girl" crap, but whatever, Ima do me! I love being me....
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
In my humble opinion, men have become lazy from so many women offering their number, details, (a$$ on a platter) without provocation, and I can't stand to put myself out there like that. Here I am smiling, begin polite, modeling my best "non angry, approachable black woman stance, yet that's not enough anymore? To me baselining begins with the first encounter, especially for a woman. If I’m too forward, will he think I’m only interested in sex? Will he think I’m pressed?
I think that if I show more interest from the gate, that'll be the expectation that I set for the future. If I get his number, I’ll need to call him first, maybe even invite him out first? At what point would I be able to pass him the ball and fall back? It just doesn’t feel natural!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Did I mention that I hate my upstairs neighbor? He does s***t like walk right past the mail [at the entrance that he has to pass] and not pick it up. When most of it is for him, the rest for the owner of the house. None for me.
I am looking forward to a great and productive work week. I have so much to do.
I am not very motivated right now, outside of work.
I'm not a big club goer...party animal or chic in the know. I got people's for that and I just roll with them whenever the spirit or occasion moves me. But every once in a while I happen upon a venue that impresses me...well at least enough to desire an encore. The Park in DC is one of those places.
So my girls and I have a standing tradition that we celebrate every one's birthday together each year. All together that's 5 birthdays. So at a minimum we see each other 5 times a year. Not so bad considering that 3 are married with 2+ children a piece and the other has a man that consumes most of her free time. We get to see each other every month from December-March. After my birthday [June], husbands and BF's start pitching fits about folks "being out in the streets all the time" so we get to cool down until December then we can let the good time roll again! Men are so darn needy.
Back to the Park:
Nice man candy-check twice
Diverse crowd-check (as I get older I appreciate and expect this in a place in order to really impress me) I actually saw two of my [non black] colleagues in the place.
Good (again diverse) music-check (again very important as my personal collection features everything from Kanye West, Soldier Boy, to Soul Patrol, and The Fray...I need it all)
We had a cool time. I even felt that my outfit was appropriate and not wasted for once.
The only thing I hated (well 4 things I hated) were:
The intsy bitsy a$$ bathrooms..wtFrench? Maybe they ran out of money during construction.
The drive from Bmore to DC (gotta factor an hour at best, both ways), which really sucks! Why don't I ever remember to pack a bag and just crash with one of these chicks? Usually, I still get myself to church the next morning. Yeah I know...
The men who were fine as hay, kept looking, even started some conversation(s) but FAILED to close the deal! (More on that later)
The fact that we allowed one of my girls to drag us out of this beautiful Eden to a whack arse late 90's style cabaret foolery that one of her friends was throwing. Dropping all kinds of money on parking and cover for a party that we only stayed at for 20 minutes (only to not be completely rude to her friend that we all know as well) and half of that time was spent outside awaiting our cars from valet. Sigh...I was comforted by the fact that the proceeds when towards a good cause.
Other than that, it was a delightful time at The Park and it deserves an encore! Hanging with my favorite gals is also a pleasure no matter where we are.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
There is a part of me that is still waiting on that moment, when you'll chase me down and say "let's take a chance together" it hurts that you won't, maybe it's just my pride, my bruised ego, just plain unrequited love? I'm not even going to sit and wish for a "maybe someday" because that's not living in the moment. That's holding on to something too intangible for a even a dreamer like myself. For now, here are my truths:
I am in love with you.
I miss you, me "us".
I miss our fun, interaction and chemistry.
I know that you love me. You are just not able/willing to love me the way I desire, require and deserve.
I don't miss feeling the pain I felt as soon as I would leave your side.
At times the pain would be present while we were together.
I've been told that love is not supposed to hurt so I need something better.
I made some choices so I take responsibility for them, and my subsequent actions.
I desire to be with you.
I think about you everyday.
Each day gets easier and it's okay to allow myself to get over you.
It does not mean that my love is not genuine.
You've touched the woman that I am today, the one that's evolved to the place I stand now. See I never got why this [love for you] hit me so hard, fast and refuses to go away, now I do.
I have learned a lot from you and about me through all of this.
I will never make this same mistake again.
I will really try and work hard not to.
I am strong.
I will be okay without indulging in my desire for you.
I will not let fear or loneliness make me weak.
I am not able to be your "friend" right now.
I will not apologize or feel petty for that.
That's just me being real honest.
I will never be mean/rude to you if I happen to see you though.
That is not my style and our relationship does not warrant that.
I will most likely smile at you, possibly even hug you.
I will be genuinely happy to see you. Because most of the time when I run into, I'm half hoping that I do.
I still picture us [together] in Accra, Kumasi, Maputo, Dar es Salaam, the Serengeti...the places we talked about.
I still plan to vist all these places. I must go on, and I will.
Today I feel like I was tested again. The hopeless romantic in me was screaming "it must be fate, we belong together after all". The real truth is probably more of that..a probability that I would and will continue to see you randomly. The gift and a curse?
I got angry and irritate that you seemed indifferent towards me, like you're already so over me and not missing me [you always have that smirk on your face like you're laughing at me] and I was unable to tell you softly how I felt, so I did what I do best, start some ish...that's the part I am sorry for. You don't deserve that.
I wish you well.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I am in love with 808's & Heartbreak. My boy did a commentary about it when it first came out (yes I know I'm late) and he forewarned that one might only be able to appreciate it if you're "going through something". To me that sounded like it would depress me if I wasn't "going through something" so I refused to listen to it. Now I see why. The lyrics fuel my melancholy. Gives me a refuge for my feelings. Yes I have some feelings and I'm not afraid to say. I can listen to Kanye's pain and quietly sulk alone without feeling the need to act like I'm so over it. It's the soundtrack to my dark place.
I should have known that the first week was too good to be true. I was feeling all strong and powerful. Ha Ha!! It's like my mind played a cruel trick on my heart. That's me though. Always with a delayed reaction to things.
Why is it so wrong to just give in to being sad? Why is everything so black and white? Why do I feel afraid to admit that I am not alright? When will I be alright?
I wonder how many people walk around pretending to be alright when they are not? I can't fake it. I am in love and I am missing someone!
I'm being the kind of chic that others (even me) would call stupid and guess what? For the first time in my life, I really don't care. I don't feel motivated to move on when I'm not yet ready. I want to curse, I want to scream, I want to go off!! But I don't...I'm too busy being nice, strong, level headed, trying to be wise, me. TC once said "a wise woman, is a happy woman". I really want to beleive that. How long do I have to be wise before the happy kicks in TC?
Anyway. I love "Welcome to Heartbreak". Wow, those are powerful lyrics. Kanye really served me with these lyrics. I have done all the material things in life. I have the career, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, no bills, I can travel, and I have money saved in the bank. But what does that all mean? I am not impressed anymore. As a matter of fact I am not moved at all. What would make me happy is to hold someone, cradle a little baby in my arms, run barefoot in a field of grass, then fall over with laughter. Have a picnic at the top of a mountain. Visit a remote village in a far off land with my lover in tow.
I have new found respect for Kanye. My girl was in the car with me the other day when Love Lockdown was playing, I just zoned out. Almost forgot she was there. God bless her, she just let me have that moment. But didn't hesitate to call me weird once I snapped out of my trance. Oh well....
The other night I spent the night with one of my girls. I love her gentle spirit. She never pries and does not try to force a good time on me, when I'm clearly not there. This is why I love her. All she said was, "I think you are mourning the demise of the relationship. You never mourn. You just tuck your chin and move on. Maybe you should mourn and don't feel like you're weak because you do. You never mourned Ringo, at least not from what I could see". I only half listened then and am still letting that sink in. I mean I've already put up this I don't give a f front. How can I regress now? It was nice to be away from home though. For some reason I am happiest when I am away from home. How sad?
I still hate my upstairs neighbor. He does not allow me to have peace. He is loud and walks really hard. All I want is some peace and quiet. Why is that so elusive?
I am changing, wow! I can see the changes in me. Some are good some are, not so good. I don't care as much about things that I should care about. I'm not really feeling school. DID I JUST SAY THAT!!!?? OMG...but it's true. Will I finish? Of course because that's the right thing to do. But my heart's not there. I wonder if it ever was. Before I was fueled by competition. I had to be the first, the best, I wanted to impress everyone, needed straight A's, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't care. It's a freedom in not caring. Caring comes with responsibility. LOL! There is one place and one person that gave me a pass to not care. He understood me. Now I see what that means and how bad it sounds to say out loud. I am tried of competing with myself and I don't believe in competing with others. When we strip away all the BS (money, accolades, credentials, looking like you are somebody) why do we really do the things we do? This is why I respect the starving artist or the musicians that stay true to their craft even when their genre or style is not the money maker. It takes a lot. There are so many people high on life, getting what they want, feeling accomplished, settling in comfortably around me. I am happy for them. When I look back that's always been my motivation, that others around me are happy. I've always done what I do for others. I'm just not sure I care about the physical manifestation of happy anymore. I don't want to owe anyone anything and I want perfect health. For no obvious reason, I suddenly have not had a menstrual cycle in going on 3 months. So now my perfect health is in jeopardy?
I only desire to be intrinsically happy, be debt free and have perfect health. How that translates outwardly, I don't care. I can't believe that I just admitted that I don't care. (((Shrugs)))
Maybe I need to seek professional help. Talk to someone about my feelings. I never thought I'd feel like this, so blazay. I am not supposed to feel like this. I'm a Christian. I have Jesus in my heart. I am not joking. I must be doing something wrong.
I keep on going though. I went to church Sunday and just sat there in a daze, in a fog. I did not get into it. I did not get excited and I only clapped genuinely when that young girl gave her life to the Lord. That made my heart smile. Otherwise I felt like I was letting God down because I would not press pass my blah to worship him fully. I hope he can forgive me. At least I went, and I looked pretty and smiled a lot as usual. I prayed silently. He knows how to fix me and I believe He will, if He thinks I need to be fixed.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Today I'm being threatened by a sudden cloud burst, I'm about to get soaked if I'm not careful. I need to run for cover. That little voice is whispering in my ear, "there's a chance that things could change". That vision of him coming around and saying, "I've had an epiphany a revelation even, and you're my love, you're my everything"...[that smile, that face...ahhh] is fresh and sudden like Monday morning's snow storm in my head...I wish he would come and fix this, make it all better, make me feel nice. BUT Alas, he won't. I wish I could be more like some other women I know, like TC or Bunz..when it comes to this love thing. I'm not strong. At least I don't feel strong. I talk a lot of $hhhh, but can I back it up? I feel the weakness creeping in. God help your daughter.
I WILL FOCUS on something else. I'm only writing this because sometimes you've got to help yourself by putting things in black and white, put them in perspective. I admit. I am struggling today. I struggled yesterday. I felt it coming on Monday. But If I'd made these hard choices sooner, I would not be here today. They're here and they are raw but I am the sum of my choices and NOT my emotions.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
One of my guilty pleasures (guilty in that I watch them when I should be sleeping or doing something more constructive) is watching certain fashion focused reality shows. I was enamored with the Hills and have been getting into The City. I think that i watch the City more for the fine vanilla man candy that appears on the show each week. Yummy!! So in that vein, I decided to catch the BET premiere of Harlem Heights, aside from the caramel and chocolate (male) eye candy found on that...hated it. It's obvious that most reality programming is becoming more and more scripted, but Harlen Heights takes the cake. The bourgeoisie attitude of many of some of the cast members is also blatantly scripted and oh so lame. One woman actually lamented that she "did not look like the average black girl growing up", she had "long hair down her back" blah, blah blah. I guess I'm getting too old for this kind of fakeness. I think the show would be more interesting with more "average" black girls on there and not these Harlem implants. I've been to Harlem and I know folks from/in Harlem, and none possess this attitude. I want to support this show, but man! Some of the guys seemed cool/down to earth though, which makes me wonder if the women are being portrayed this catty and cosmetic on purpose-a theory that further annoys me and makes me not want to support this show. Ugh!!!
Girl, Control your Man
I took an early (6am) Pilate's class this morning. At 7, I went to take a quick shower and prepare for work. There are two ladies who are usually in the ladies shower area at this time everyday. They were there today. Usually I'm coming in at 7 to work out. So I guess my presence in the shower room went unnoticed. As I'm peeling out of my work out gear, I suddenly hear a man's voice, wrongfully close to the women's shower room, "baby come tell me how these shoes look with this" I'm thinking wtfrench and hurry to find my towel to wrap around myself as the man's voice gets closer and closer to the ladies locker woman, "baby, look at this". My mind is racing, "OhMyJesus, is he coming back here?" "I KNOW he aint crazy enough to come back here in the women's shower area"!!!! And before I can reason with myself any further OR wrap my towel around my naked body , there he is, in the women's locker area, looking at me in the buff. I was caught like a deer in the headlights and his 'lady' runs around to shoo him away. I'm speechless. "He's used to just the two of us being back here", his lady offers as an explanation. I'm thinking "the two of who"? "You and your girlfriend"? "So it's okay for your man to see your girlfriend's naked a$$"? Nope, sorry, not good enough. This is a public gym and he has no business beyond the threshold of this locker room, even if it were just you back here. Needless to say I was so traumatized that I showered, then lotion AND dressed in the sauna, the only place I felt safe. I want to report this incident, for the purpose of calling attention to the lax tone that the gym has taken lately. Clearly if the front desk attendant was on point, this little incident could have been prevented. All I could say to the woman, after my initial shock was "Oh wow, that's so unacceptable".
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A look your smile can't disguise
The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away
He make me feel at ease. And I don't have to fight for it.
He adds to my peace, doesn't extract from it with his actions or omissions.
He does not require variety, he find what he needs in me.
There's no competition, no clamoring for attention on my part because I'm the best thing he sees.
He's sensitive yet strong, honest without being obnoxious. He's God fearing, he's well draped in his own style. He fits comfortably in his own skin. He's perfect for me and I for him.
The feel of love is in his arms, the taste of love is in his kiss, the smell of love is in his aura. The look of love is you.