Tuesday, October 26, 2010

No Tears

No tears, no broken-hearted soliloquies. God’s got this. He's got me covered. I'll be just fine...

I thought I'd be a mess for weeks, months, forever...but mercy said "NO"! I cried out to God, he counted my tears and said "THAT'S ENOUGH"! I feel stronger each day. Through this process I'm learning to allow people to be there for me, to allow myself to be transparent even to myself in order to release and be healed. I'm on the cusp of total peace. I acknowledge the still daily tug at my heart. I embrace the fond memories and even allow myself to reflect on what could have been. I even thank God for this yearning. They let me know that my heart is still open. I want to stay open to the possibilities. Yet I pray that the lessons learned will make me wiser, a bit more pragmatic, and careful.

It's natural. I was created as a woman by God to nurture such longing, such hope for the love of a man and for unborn children. If the woman did not commit to keep the hope flame alive, who would?

But I was never created to feel desperate, insecure, unloveable or heartbroken. God has ordered my steps and I only desire to walk in the path he's prepared for me.

God's way is not popular, fun, or easy but there is safety and protection therein. I want to feel safe and secure in God's unconditional and perfect love. His way is the path for me.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Facebook Foolishness

After my mini meltdown this morning and feeling a general hopelessness about getting the love I want, I am encouraged by something.

I want to preface by saying that I think that FB by and large is useless! It's only useful for people who are really interesting/funny or have a business that they are promoting. It's also (unfortunately) useful for people who want to use it to hurt other people in a passive aggressive way. After being on the short end of that more than once, I deleted and blocked all people associated with nonsense on FB.

After I did that (and did some self inventory) I realized that I am guilty of using it to see things that other people are doing that often hurt me. Like I know it's there and I've unwillingly/willingly seen it and regardless of how "petty" anyone thinks I am for feeling this way, I felt like they were done in a hurtful way. So I made a conscious decision to not go looking on certain people's pages etc....Rambling I know….

Basically what I'm saying is that AFTER I took measures to delete and BLOCK these people I realized that there really is nothing else for me to see on FB!! Lol! Unless I go and unblock these people and that would be me asking for punishment. So I won’t do that. I want to heal.

I was invited to something via FB today and when I logged in this is the first thing that I saw:

Dear Isabella, you are daddy's princess but 1st came the queen. You see before I could become a father I had to become a husband. Not just any husband but the husband worthy to share my life with the one that was meant for me, your mother. God commissioned me to find my soulmate and to wed, honor, and protect her. And 2 years ago today, before Him, we vowed to love each other forever. I love you, April Nicole Young.

So the moral of this ramble is that these are the rare moments that FB is used for niceness and pleasantness and I needed to see this. I’m not going as far as deleting my account because there are people that want to keep in distant contact with me and I them and for now, I like that.

Come Back, Don't Leave Me....this way

I knew it was to good to be true. I let so much out this weekend. I told trusted friends about my issues, got prayer, went to church, even talked to him and I thought I was feeling better. I thought was going to be OK. I'm not OK. When will I be OK? Please don't leave me like this. I need just a little more time. I'm longing for you sooo much. Maybe it's at night but I can't sleep at all. I'm just sitting here sad. I'm not crying, finally! But I'm soooo sad.

I need more time.

Friday, October 8, 2010


I'm struggling
I'm hurting
I'm confused
I'm questioning
I'm wrestling
I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm crying
I'm praying
I'm hoping
I'm trying