And So It Is

In 2008, I loved, I lived, I cried, I laughed, I gave, I learned, I created, I changed.

I could go on forever but I won't bore you with the details. I can only say that this year has been a year of transition for me. I experienced a lot that has redefined the woman that is me. I am better I am wiser and stronger all because of:

The maternal grandmother who proclaimed that she could now (at 93)"die in peace" having seen her first born daughter's only child again.

The family that loved me so much even without knowing me and teaching me the lesson that love is not always something I have to WORK so hard for.

The young girls that I met that are transitioning from foster care who reminded me of my purpose and letting me know that my idea is not stupid but is very viable and necessary.

The job that forced me to redefine myself once again and taught me that despite the angst that comes with change and re-proving; it's necessary to remain resilient and be a maverick in order to compete.

The people that I met in Ghana and South Africa who opened my eyes to the reality of the world outside of the US and opened my heart to the possibility of being somewhere other than here.

The friends that reminded me of my strength, brilliance and worth, when my heart was breaking, my confidence was weakened, and my poise was shaken.

The God who kept me safe, strong, protected, provided for, wealthy, healthy, wise and loved every step of the way.

Not sure what 09 has for me and I don't care to plan every moment of it. I have some goals of course (I hate the notion of a resolution, what in life is resolute?) but I'm going in completely open, because if I've learned nothing else in 08, I've learned to be generous with myself in regards to giving in to the possibility, even if it means I fail, or things don't go my way. In 08, without knowing, I've done that. I was less uptight, I was like a baby, unafraid to explore the potential in everything that was presented to me. They said go to Africa and I said yes and figured out the details afterwards. I'm glad I did. I said yes to moving out of my comfort zone into a new city. I said yes to love even when it was not presented in the way I'd want my love wrapped up. I said yes to sharing my resources when my natural instinct is to be cheap and save every penny, lol...out of fear of being poor. I said yes to new challenges at work, school, my ministry, my relationships, and I am a better woman for it. I feel light and ready for whatever comes. I have some hopes for the next year but mostly I am saying yes to whatever 09 brings. Heck, why not?

Holiday Love

I feel like I'm always playing Santa's "helper" to my girlfriends men when it comes to gift giving. Usually they just want good ideas since I know these ladies so well , but usually their approach is kind of generic or obligatory...almost like "I'm asking because I know I HAVE to get something and I don't want to mess up"...not this guy, he really want to see my girl happy and pleased. He was already seeing Tiffany blue, but just wanted some further direction and I happily obliged. I am so ELATED that she's found someone genuine and good to her who wants to make her happy, WOW!!! Just warms my cold heart. J/K!

From my girl’s man….

"Thank you P. The earrings I think are back ordered so I might have to get them after they get them back in the store. I'll probably pick up the necklace tonight. Thanks for the additional ideas. I knew you would know.

I just want to make her happy. I'm feeling her a whole lot. I hope she feels the same. It would kinda suck if she didn't :-\ LOL"

Aint he a doll??!! Gotta love LOVE.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

The Home Stretch

Right now I'm back in PA for work (doing some IT PR), which has been totally the opposite of boring lately. Ask you and shall receive...

I'm prepping for final exams, finalizing projects and darn near ready to pull my locks out. I just have a few more weeks to grind it out then I can shut it down from the 22nd until the New Year. I can't wait until it's over so I can relax with my girls in Florida. But it's cool, I've got this!!! Friday night I'm going to the company holiday party. I plan to have a blast and dazzle them with my dancing skills, plus they OWE me a drink...or two!

Be right back...

Arrggghhhhhh!!!! Fender Bender

I got up this morning feeling so, so...mostly wanted to stay in bed. But I had a conference call with South Africa that I had to join at 5:30am. I really wanted to get on the train but after all the chatting, about the same old business, I realized that I'd missed all the trains leaving during the 6:00am hour...so I tried for the 7:07, realized that I was missing that one as I drove to the station. I could’ve made the 7:22, but no parking was left available for me...so I give in to driving. I'm going along my merry little way, when suddenly BAM!!! She rear ends my car. It took me a moment to realize that I'd been hit. THANK GOD everyone is ok and it's not my fault so I just need to deal with her insurance company. We both filed claims right there on the spot, no sore necks or attitudes. I've only been in one car accident and that was almost 10 years ago...AGAIN THANK GOD, all bodies are in tact...the body of my car, is another story. It wasn’t until I got to work that I realized that my bumper is falling off. I'm slightly irritated (thinking of having to take time off work with all that I have going on) but I'm grateful. I have to just handle my business. I just pray that there're no unnecessary hassles in this process. God is good, all the time!!

Have a great day.

Lonely's Company

I try to be patient, but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home
Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely --Beyonce

It hits me like a wind gust every evening as I leave my office
Once my day is complete and it's time to tuck the power player away, and put the business woman on the shelf, I head out the door, and the moment I exit...he's waiting there, to greet me into the cold.

As I drive along the highway, listening to radio tunes (half drowned out by my own thoughts), he's the constant passenger in my ride...Once I finally make it to the house, insert the key into the lock and enter my door, he welcomes me there too, like an unwanted intruder, that's made himself at home.

As I jog, as I write, as I shop, even as I sit in my classes, trying to remain engaged...lonely is my constant companion and my faithful friend....I am tired of lonely, I've been trying to fight this feeling he brings...but the harder I fight the easier I succumb, the longer I resist, the more he persists, he refuses to disappear.

I've tried to convince myself that I'm better than this. But who am I to believe I'm exempt from this place of neediness? How self righteous of me to pretend that I'm above this...constant nagging of "why am I still single"?..."why have I not been chosen yet"? "When will it be me"? Yeah I'm feeling it and I'm finally ready to admit...I'm scared of lonely.

Do I love my family, of course! Do I adore my girlfriends, heck yes! But there's something about this void, that can't be filled entirely by them. Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin could only temporarily comfort me...and even as I shopped, I was trapped in my thoughts; "it would be so nice to wear these on a date with my boo"...how sad, huh? Yeah, it’s almost laughable.

The last thing I wanted to do after that horrendous ride on the Amtrak , was to come home and be...alone...I closed my eyes and dreamt of escaping the cold right into his arms and curling myself into a tight little ball next to him and just breathing him in...letting the cold, frustration and weariness melt away.

But that's simply not my reality..so each day I shake myself off, put lonely in his place and do what I need to do. All along I think and think and think....and I realize that my safest refuge from lonely is being alone...to ponder and dream, and fantasize about him. I've created a world where lonely is not so scary after all...in my thoughts.

Happy non Turkey Day!

I'm writing this from Rocky Mount, NC. I am so not a country girl, but there is a peace and solace that I find here. This is an opportunity to sleep and relax and enjoy my fam. My God Mother is threatening my plans to lay low with shopping trip to Raleigh...at (gasp) 5:00am!! No thanks, I'll pass, ok maybe not pass, just go a little later than 5:am, LOL. I need these two days of R&R like I need my next breath, Life has been hectic, work has been busy on steroids and I still have the crack berry queued up, awaiting some updates from IT over the weekend..

During my ride here (on Amtrak) I was reminded of some of the BS that some men offer up for sale at every turn. My morning started off with a rude awakening from my neighbor upstairs (sigh...trying not to be a diva) then quickly turned beautiful, blissful even, and I was ready to ride that wave all the way to North Cakalak...until some goon comes up to me and tries to help himself to a swig of my hot chocolate as his ice breaker into my cipher..why do people just lie? First you said you don't drink, then you proceed to down two Heinekens and the Vodka that you brought on the train with you and I'm supposed to believe you don't have a drinking problem? Okay player...You have "mad drunk who gets high and angry..even violent" written all over you buddy...nah, I'm not single, “I have a friend”. Sorry I had to feed you that little white lie, but I had to escape, fast. Anyway Happy Thanksgiving or non Turkey Day for us vegetarians....

Life in Charm City

Baltimore really is a great city. I had all the proper ammunition to hate it (can you say the The Wire?), but honesty, I love it...okay I'm liking it a whole, whole lot and it's quickly turning into a love thing. There's something in the way the lights reflect off the cityscape as I emerge over the bridge at night that's just magical. I walk around with a lingering sense of real possibility and potential here. Tonight I even had one of "Baltimore's Finest" assist me in picking out wine. A wine connoisseur posing as a police officer? I love it! I must confess, I'm charmed.....

The apartment lifestyle is taking some getting used to. I traded in my cozy nest in the woods for the city life, and the crickets “cricking” for the loud thumping of my upstairs neighbor’s walk. I understand that it’s part of the scene but I haven't been so keenly aware of another person's presence in so long that it was a bit disconcerting at first. I was even chastised for being a "diva" about it so I've decided to adjust my attitude. CLEARLY I could do without the “Thong Song” house mix above my head at 7 in the morning, but I’m trying to be neighborly.

I’ve not had that many visitors but the ones that have graced me with their presence have been pleasant surprises and helped to create an atmosphere of love and warmth in my new space. There’s nothing like having the aura of those you cherish around to cozy up a place. I can’t think of a better housewarming present.

Work has been crazy..Even as I type this I'm borrowing time from some work that I brought home to complete. I went from a teasing sprinkle of work to a deluge (to borrow from my girl Seriously) in the blink of an eye. It’s brought new meaning to “ask and you shall receive”. I went from half bored to crazied…I know, I’m just making up the words as I go along…. The interesting and some might argue crazy part is that I love it! This is my element! The back to back conference calls, meetings, the added responsibilities all contribute to a sense of purpose (not as in my job is my purpose in life), productivity, and accomplishment on the job that's literally a high for me . I feel powerful and in control. Of course one of my "matter of fact" style friends says that I'm merely over compensating for a lack of a personal life. Whatever…

Speaking of which, the other day I checked out Towson Town Center (lovely place) then ordered take out from my favorite restaurant in the whole world. As I waited for the food I declared to myself that I would "be more open to dating again" and "put myself in a position to meet men"....only to shy away from the first man who approached me...lol. I'm just not ready. I want to hold out for something real, someone who's worthy of me. A suitor that’s husband material. A man that makes me want to swagger jag him. I've never been the type of girl that just goes out with random men. I honestly don’t care to juggle or entertain men that don't captivate my imagination of a happy brown family. I'm done with wasting time.

The holiday season is upon us and for me that means, traveling and stepping into the party life. I’m looking forward to both and plan to enjoy my time here in Charm City. Now back to my regularly scheduled program, Excel functions!! Yaayy!!!..not.

My Thoughts on Obama....

1. Since his emergence and especially after he captured the Democratic nomination, I never once doubted that Barack Obama would become our next President, never. Not even with all the ploys of the GOP, I just knew it and my spirit would not waver.

2. I'm cautious not to deify Obama or any man for that matter, but I just felt that this was divine, in that it was time, a natural progression even. I can't honestly say that I never thought I'd see a black President or even a woman President in my lifetime, especially since I have a lot of life yet to live...but then again I have been known to be very idealistic and hopelessly optimistic. In my mind ANYTHING is/has always been possible. I'm glad that it's happening sooner than later though. And I'm ecstatic that this can raise the black man's (global) morale, and give the babies an alternate role model. However, we see him, it will behoove all of us to recognize and understand that after the brief honeymoon, the real work begins and it's not always going to be roses, high fiving and bottle popping.

3. My favorite part of Barack Obama's ascension is the way it's energized the entire world, especially since the face of the globe overwhelmingly resembles his. I love it, I wish I was in Africa right now to celebrate this with them.

4. The newspaper shortage in the DC area (and other major cities) is one of the most curious things I've ever witnessed. Even more curious is the fact that newspapers were in abundance when I arrived in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania very late on Tuesday night and even into Wednesday morning..LOL! I tried to collect as many as my bag could carry.

5. I heard a guest on Bill O'Reily's show say today that "Obama caused gay people in California their right to marry" because so many black people came out to vote for him yet voted against gay marriage in California. He adds (paraphrased) that "Black people are liberal and want social programs but are culturally conservative when it comes to socially progressive issues". Wow! My question about this statement is this: If 2 out 3 voters under 30 (black, white et al) voted for Obama, does that mean that the majority of black voters over 30 in California are opposed to gay marriage? ....Clearly black people are not the only voters that affected this outcome. They finally admitted that Hispanics also opposed it by a small margin and whites voters approved it only by a small margin. I just hated the way they tried to put that on Obama. I watch this man's show with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers. What a train wreck!

6. Everyone already knows how I feel about ...Michelle Obama

7. Seeing this gorgeous first family makes me want to run out, become the wife of somebody worthy and make some beautiful brown babies.

8. To me, the highlight of Obama's message is the call for personal responsibility. At the end of the day, this will make all the difference.

9. One more thing about Barack Obama, there are still a lot of people in this country that are very unhappy about his election. It's difficult for some people to even say the words "President elect" and "Obama" and unfortunately these people are not going to let their disdain go easily....along with praying for Obama, please say a few for the hearts of his haters.

Love Exposed

Why is it that love, like dope gets you high
Then leaves you graveling with withdrawal pains in the loneliness of the night

How is that love makes you blind to the truth,
Ignoring all the signs and omens that are right in front of you

What gives us the audacity to believe that we could be one of love’s chosen few, only to realize that love is never even about you

How can love become so twisted
Like an illusion that never really existed

What makes the heart believe in something that it can’t control, yet tries to hold when it’s time to let go

Where can you hide when love is seeking you
How do you cope when it leaves

The complexities of love are only a match for its mysteries.
It eludes the smartest of us yet convinces us that it’s something we need.

Its allure draws you in and compels you to hold on, even though your heart can’t take the pain anymore.

Simply put, love is a situation so deep that it defies good reason.
It holds you captive yet sets you free.

It’s never perfect and you can’t always keep it together.
But once you’ve loved, love is always forever.

-PBA

Honest Blogger Award

I know I'm late but I was nominated for the "honest blogger award" by (TC Golden) and per the rules I must select 7 other folks that I believe are deserving of this award. Alright, ok...here we go!

When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional). List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

The first part is too easy! I don't have many blogs that I read often or even care to. For me it's quality over quantity. But these as well as everyone else linked on my blog speak to me in some special way...

1. Seriously?...I mean have you ever known someone that always seems to have the words to articulate exactly what you're thinking or feeling? Well that's Seriously? And she happens to be a phenomenal writer, keeps it real and does it with such finesse. I wish she could be my personal spokesperson.

2. WTF Metro...This blog is pretty much about the Washington Metropolitan Metro system but the way it's presented is brilliantly humorous. Who knew there could be so much content about one subject. I'm always laughing and nodding as I read it though!

3. Ms. Confessions..Aside from TC, one of the first blogs I ever really read and I found myself so impressed with her "it is what it is" honesty! I'm still enjoy reading her evolution.

4. Eb the Celeb...I'm sure she's received this award a million times but this post pretty much did it for me. I was like WOW, she put it right out there and I can totally relate. I don't even know her and she feels like a home girl.

5. Of course my home girl TC. I read her blog the first time I was on travel in South Africa, lonely as hell. Her blog helped me through and inspired me to dust off my own blog and start writing.

6. J.A.C...She speaks my language too and just as I'm thinking "it's just me", I read her thoughts and realize that it's not. I'm so glad that people are willing to be honest. Not to mention, her writing style is so romantic. It's so flowy and organic.

7. All-Mi-T...Dude is a genius, straight up!

Now the fun part! List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

1. I feel more lonely than usual right now, the cooler weather is sparking nostalgia for me like crazy. I can't seem to get the image of snuggling next to the fireplace with someone special out of my head.

2. My favorite sitcom of all time is Golden Girls. If that were me and my friends, I'd totally be Sophia.

3. I wish I could start this entire semester over, the instability in my life has affected my focus and hence...my grades thus far. I know it's not too late though...

4. As sweet and kind as I am, I can be as mean as a junkyard dog sometimes and my temper leaves something to be desired.

5. I've always wanted an a$$ like Serena Williams. I mean just look at it! It's not just sizable, it's also strong, toned and athletic. It's powerful.

6. I have a fetish for sequins. Such an 80's baby and an over tanned, botox filled, white Boca Raton socialite at heart.

7. If I had to choose between career success, wealth and power or being a wife and mother, I'd choose the former, especially since the ladder seems further out of my reach and control. To me, a woman almost always has to choose anyway...

8. I think about being in a relationship and having someone special in my life more than I care to admit. Yes I handle my business and manage without it, but the thought is always at the back of my mind. "When will it be me"?

9. I have a new obsession with Red Snapper and I spent two hours online the other day looking at Red Snapper recipes, when I should have been doing schoolwork.

10. Sometimes I really hate my job; not because the money is funny or the boss is overbearing but because of the politics...I know everyone corporate setting has them but geesh...I just want to do my job already. Unfortunately, due to my highly competitive nature I find myself caught up in the mayhem anyway. It's a struggle to focus on my purpose.

Divine Encouragement

Though not my words, this poem puts it all back in perspective. My mantra: Change presents opportunity. He knows exactly what He's doing.

My Journey

Moving to the beat of my universal drummer
I surrendered to my preordained path

Prayer and fasting ushered me to the consciousness
That conformity and assimilation attempted to suffocate

Service is the vehicle for my journey
Faith is my constant companion

Free will, my mightiest contender
Free will, my saving grace

Lessons from the darkness celebrated
In anticipation of spreading the light

Humbled for the opportunity
To let go and to take flight

-Belya Adero

Young Love

Ahhh....the beauty of young love. The way it can make you feel vulnerable yet secure at the same time. You know, the kind that you dive head first into, toting your heart on your sleeve, giving of yourself with reckless abandon, living in the moment...every moment. That's the kind of love I want, again. I want that makes you fall hard and is tough to get over if you don't win, might leave you bruised and broken, even make you cry but I'd take the fall again kind of love. Some say you can only have one, I disagree, I think that this captivating, rapturous kind of love, can be had over and over again. The hard part is allowing it to happen, especially if you've ever loved and lost. Recently I've witnessed this organic kind of love, that "just happens" and it makes my heart smile. It's interesting that as soon as we try to cozy into some "I don't even want it anymore" place, things happen to melt that iciness right away.

I happened to be watching "Making the Band" randomly and they were airing an episode where Dawn from DK and Q from D26 have to be separated for tour reasons. My how it wrenched their poor little hearts to have to be apart, especially Q. I giggled and swooned at the way he referred to her as "my girl". I loved it...then I happened to see a video on FB made by an old high school friend who recently got married. The video (well actually audio) was of his proposal to his wife. They are both 27 now, 25 then. His wife's reaction to his proposal was priceless. Wow! She cried, I mean snotting up, loud, like something tragic happened, ugly sobbing...but they were tears of joy. They were the tears of a woman who was being proposed to by her King, the one she'd dreamed of, the one she wanted to marry, knew they would one day but was still shocked and ecstatic at his proposal. She was marrying her "one", not "Mr. Good Enough" or "Mr He'll do let me hurry up and make some babies cause I'm going on 30" or "Mr. He Needs to Marry Me Since We've been together X amount of years", nah...this was her "Mr. Just My Size" "Mr. Makes My Heartbeat" "Mr. Can't Be Without Him" "Mr. Still"....asking for her hand in marriage. Oh you just don't know what this does to me. I don't necessarily believe in the "One" since I've loved deeply on more than one occasion. I believe that love is whatever you allow it to be and can take you however far you're willing to go. There can be more than one person that makes you feel this oooh la la kind of way. As we grow older and go through some things, we get further and further away from this level of naivete, carelessness and we let our wisdom dictate our actions. Nothing wrong with that. But right now I am thinking about being caught up in the rapture again..Do your remember how that feels? Smiling at the mere thought of them, getting butterflies every time you're about to be near them, checking your lip gloss, wearing your best "just in case" fits....yeah...I remember and I just hope and pray that the junk, the failures, and disappointments don't EVER make me jaded. Because love is not a spectator sport and is best experienced in full contact.

Good People Still Exist

Today I pulled up to Ritas Ice Cream, thirsty to cop one last Mango Blendini before they shut it down for the season. I pulled out a card from my purse, jumped out my whip, rushed to the window and placed my order. When it was time to pay the woman, I looked down and to my horror the credit card I was holding was not mine! I was stupefied for a moment and I immediately began to imagine all the "scenarios" that could have landed someone else's credit card in my possession. Did I inadvertently steal it? Was my new tenant trying to set me up? Was one of my classmates trying to sabotage me?Am I on candid camera? Yes I know, far fetched... Once out of my haze I realized that maybe the woman at CVS somehow gave me someone else's card after my transaction earlier? Naw, because I never actually handed over my card to her.

After I went back to my car to get MY card to purchase my Blendini (I wasn't too shook to forget that), I knew I had to immediately call the card holder's bank. When I called, the rep was "surprised" that I called to report this??!! I asked "why"? The woman was like "most people would try to use it and take advantage of the situation, especially in this economy". "Not I" said I. I live (well try to) live by the law of reaping & sowing, ESPECIALLY in this economy I need all the good karma available! So I gave the chick all the info on the card so she could cancel it and left it at that thinking "I just hope someone would do that for me".

But that's not the end...I was still wondering how this could have happened, then it suddenly hit me....Darn Carrabba's carryout girl! Last night I took my greedy tail to Carrabba's and ordered some lobster ravioli and picked it up at their curbside take out. There was another party in a car next to me and the carryout girl "Julie" had given us both a bag and obviously collected our cards for payment simultaneously then disbursed the wrong cards after running them...shame on you Jules, and shame on me for not double checking my card when she handed it back, before pulling off. I was distracted by a cell phone convo at the time. Lesson learned.

So I called up Carrabba's and the other party, with obviously better memory and equally good intentions had already turned in my card. Aww....they wouldn't have gotten far with it any, LOL!<:)

Arbitrary

"Let me put this big girl in your life"...I've been having a recurring fantasy of being a Sugar Mama. In this fantasy I have a man that's all man but I take care of him and his only job is to be my faithful, loyal, love slave, putting it DOWN whenever and however I want it. Plus I take care of home and I'm the business so he's happy too.. "I'll gas up the Ac for him tonight and he can go wherever he likes...Maybe I'm taking that "uh uh I got it" mentality a little too far, but I really think this would be cool and fuel my need to maintain control of my independence...purely selfish I know. I do hate the notion of women always being in the "tricked on" position. Please, I can do for you, if you're worthy...



ALSO

The aftermath of the termination of my boss (the CFO) has begun. We're cutting back on frivolous spending (finally!!) and folks are being held accountable for their project budgets as well as annual departmental budgets. Of course these changes present a challenge for me on my projects (no more blank checks, ha ha), but I know that this is the way the real world operates so I'm ready for it. This is actually the kind of fiscal responsibility I've been hoping to see enforced for a while...I feel like I'm finally getting some vindication for this.

Is it me or was the masseuse at the company health fair today feeling on me, I mean outside of what's necessary? I've had massages before and I don't ever recall that much contact with my a$$ cheeks! Wait a minute Mr. Masseuse!!! That maneuver that you kept doing that caused my butt to jiggle, got me wanting to find somebody worthy.

I really want to throw on a fierce fit, maybe something with that purple patent croc print clutch and hit the club or something!! I need to get out soon and I will.

I need to shake this sudden addiction to Haagen Dazs Vanilla & Almond bars, OMG!! I'm quickly going from phat to FAT, lol...okay maybe that's a bit dramatic but I need to chill. Then had the nerve to sign up for another 10k next month. I'm a glutton for punishment, clearly. I'm ready to get settled again so I can be back on track.

Speaking of which, I'm having a packing party and you're invited. I'm moving!!

I'm Flying

"now watch me stand on the world as i sit in a throne and if I jump ima fly and look into the eagles eye and say I am looking like you. please don't shoot me down cause im flying, im flying, im higher "--Dwayne Carter

I did it! I got up this morning at 6am, drove to the spot and ran my second 10K (6.2 mile) race. My time was better than last time, but mostly I stuck to my goal...finish and NEVER stop running. It's funny how doing something pyhsical or mentally challenging gets me all philosophical, might sound corny but as I ran I thought, "the race of life is better approached steadily and with friends, to cheer you on and give you a nudge when you're looking a litte slow"...it's okay to nudge and encourage a few perfect strangers that you meet on the course too"

Okay so that was what got me through, my "deep" thoughts. We actually had lot's of fun and it seemed to go faster than last time too. Not to mention the morning was perfect! The gazelle who won the race in the women's category finished in 32 minutes! WTF? That's like a 5 minute mile pace...I did my personal best and I'm proud of me. Now I'm sore as heck because I did not train for this race plus I've put on a few more "grown woman curves" since the last race.

Also spent time with my dolls this weekend...I love my girls and I really don't know where I'd be without them. I'm always leary of women who say they "don't like having a bunch of women around" "girls are haters" or they "only have male friends"..huh?...naw, I need mine!

Confessions

All boys are not the same...and sometimes we girls do things too...

It's funny how the things we think are "innocent" really hurt the ones we love. "Oh he/she's just a friend". Really? Sometimes you have to ask yourself "what if they did this to me"? There's also some that I've misled, lied to or "used" to get over.

Engaged in a "confessions" session with my best girl over the weekend. It's not just men that have indiscretions and we all have little things that we do that might not be kosher, or might be considered a violation to our partner. Wow, this "relationship" thing is hard work. No one can be everything to their partners and most of the time, the problems begin when people stop talking. I've never been the kind to cheat but women have needs too...sometimes we "live a lie" to get by, to fulfill some part of those needs...

Today

I watched you enjoying the band, cool, confident with an air of mystery about you, no entourage in sight, just you. I thought to myself, “I. Like. That. Man”. I struggled to juggle the business in front of me while maintaining my gaze on you...

I kept replaying her words in my head "don't take yourself out the game P". But I just don't know. I can't keep putting myself out there like that.

He phoned and said, "I just called to tell you that you're beautiful" My initial thought was how melodic those word would be, if he was someone else...I quickly thanked him before it became obvious.

I received that text requesting my "Christmas wish list". Normally I'd decline and cling to my "independence" but instead I shot off a brief list. Perhaps I'll receive the Chloe perfume, tea set or the Audemars watch, LOL!. <:) Either way, I'm sure I called your bluff. You think you know me, but you have no idea.

The occurrence On.The.Job confirmed once again that NO ONE IS INDISPENSABLE...I WILL step my game up and seize whatever opportunities are presented. The time is now.

Based on a True Story

Names and some details have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear "Ab/Abby",

Sorry about the mass e-mail but I really need your guidance. So as you all know by now that “old dad” and I broke up about a month ago. Well before we broke up I met a new boy at my favorite new bar. He is very nice, very cute, TONS OF FUN and 21 YEARS OLD. So I just had fun with the kid and didn't think anything of it. Well, when “Mr. 21” found out that “old dad” and I were broken up the whole dynamic changes and he starts telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to take me out and he is ready to marry me and blahh blahh blahh. So of course I just laugh it off especially since most of the times we are having these discussions we are both pretty intoxicated. Well this last weekend he asked me to the Marine Ball and once again I laughed it off. So he said he was going to take me out to dinner and ask me while he is sober. So I just got a text from him asking when he can take me to dinner so he can ask me to the ball. YOU GUYS HE IS 21!!!! I could potentially be his MOTHER and I really DON'T want to hurt his feelings. I really like him and he is lots of fun. Not to mention, he is oh so good for my EGO right now but I told him that I’m just having a good time, while he’s suddenly getting serious.

What should I do?

Help!!!!

Would love to hear from the fellas on this one too...

Just for Fun

Okay Ursh...Everything in this makes me blush and grin...dang!

Usher - Trading Places (New) [HQ]
by wonderful-life1989

Amazing Acrobatics!

I believe that my life would be much more exciting in a variety of ways if I could perform some of the physical maneuvers featured in the following video, especially the chair split...Wowsers...yes indeed!! Off to practice...

I

Thanks to Eb for inspiring this...

I am not: always always who I expect to be
I hear: Lisa McClendon's "About Your Love for Me"
I regret: NOTHING; I did the best I could
I care: what other people think more than I should
I always: put those I love before myself
I long to: have something meaningful and reciprocal, just once....
I feel alone: at night
I hide: my deepest darkest secrets and fears
I drive: way too fast
I sing: because I want to
I dance: because I can
I write: for release
I breathe: by God's grace
I play: music almost all the time
I miss: the mother I never knew
I search: for purpose in everything
I say: too many curse words at times
I feel: good about myself
I succeed: by taking leaps of faith and giving my best
I fail: when I don't follow my instincts or ask for help when I need it
I dream: of having it ALL
I sleep: less than I should or would like to (night owl)
I wonder: what my next BIG thing will be
I want: to take another vacation
I worry: that I will forget all that I've studied and fail my math exam
I have: paranoia about being broke
I give: all I have to those I love
I fight: for what I want, sometimes to futility
I am: Ms. Independent
I can’t: wait for my blessing that's on the way
I stay: up too late most nights
I will: run a marathon in the next two years
I can: be way too serious at times
I would: backpack through Africa if there wasn't so much unfinished business
I might: backpack through Africa anyway
I like: the way he walks, umph...LOL!<:)
I love: with everything that's in me
I smile: when I think of how goofy we were
I frown: when I'm in deep thought

Joy Ride

I contemplated the thought as I tried to fall asleep last night…so excited, I couldn't’t wait until this morning; like a kid on Christmas Eve, I barely slept.

I jumped up this morning, full of anxiety as I placed that call; I counted the rings and waited for you to answer. I was relieved that it was your voice and not the voicemail on the other end of the phone and elated at your response to the simple question I posed.

There I sat, waiting for you, so excited, feeling a rush from the thought of you being next to me, in just a little while longer. I sat there a love feen, beaming, on the edge of my seat like you were coming to deliver a million dollars in cold hard cash to me. I must’ve caught whiplash from the number of times I turned to look at the oncoming cars on either side of me, eager to see yours approach.

Finally, there you were, like a climactic end to a bomb session. My pupils danced as they took you in. You climbed aboard and your ambrosial fragrance filled my ride. I sat there in a crescendo of emotion, trying to play it cool, like the butterflies weren’t doing the electric slide in my tummy. Every now and then I'd sneak a glance at you mouthing the words to the soundtrack of my romance. I’d giggle or accidentally "think out loud" and give some random excuse for my silly outbursts. Truthfully, I was bursting with glee that you were there to ride shot gun in my fantasy.

I savored every second, and was delighted by every turn. The high speeds excited me and I enjoyed the slow motion too. I let me eyes linger on you as you climbed out, wondering when you’d next be a passenger in my joy ride.

I wish I Could Say...

I'm down today, because you're not here with me
I'm sad today because you weren't here to kiss me
I'm melancholy today because you're the one I'm missing

I wish I could tell you and you'd still see me as strong
I wish I could say it and my words wouldn't come out wrong
I wish I could tell you and you'd not feel like the blame
I wish I could say that I wish things were the same

You're my love and I want to tell you
You're my friend but at times this thing makes me blue
You're my confidant and I know I can tell you anything
You're my heart but I need your respect above everything

I wish I knew what happened to the fearless woman inside
Who never bite her tongue or hesitated to speak her mind
I don't understand why I get like this at times
It's just that with you there's so much riding on the line

I fear that you might hear me and take my words too personally
It's not that I want to hurt you, rather hope that you'd understand me
See, today, just like yesterday, I felt lonely, sad and blue
And I wish I could tell you that it's mostly because...I'm still not over you

Hair Affairs

I don't expect anyone else to care about this topic at all but....

Why is it that whenever I'm "going through something" I want to take it out on my hair? LOL! My girl always tells me that it's a woman thing, especially sisters. Remember on 'Waiting to Exhale' when Angela Basset's character cut off all her long "pretty" hair in defiance? She'd wanted to do it for a while, but since everyone, including her cheating husband loved her hair, she refrained. But then when he left she did it!

I'm not sure the exact reason WHY I decided to lock my hair. Yes I think locks are gorgeous and I never plan to put a chemical relaxer in my hair again, but lately I'm not feeling it. I've avoided coming in my blog with the same ole bullshit because I'm trying to do better and grow but man I'm just depressed!! It's like no matter how much sleep I get I am still EXHAUSTED! Plus my appetite is no where to be found. I could write down everything that I ate this entire past week without even thinking about it. I have been so tired all the time, and at any moment I feel like bursting into tears. We had my god-son's birthday party today (he's two) and try as I may, I did not enjoy myself. I felt kind of left out because I was the only woman there without children (I know I should be happy/relieved). Even the life size Elmo thing could not cheer me up. All I could think about too was I need to change my hair, LOL! Like WTF does my hair have to do with any of this? Here I go, about to take my drama out on my hair again. When I chopped all my hair off to go natural years ago I was in a place of needing to "change". I think when I decided to lock I was determined to change somethings in my life and be strong in some places where I felt/feel weak and for some reason, locking appealed to me and still does. I basically applied the Samson theory to my hair. Lately, I have to admit I've been falling victim to the Eurocentric beauty ideal. I usually reject this notion but right now, I think I'm giving in. Like I don't feel pretty or sexy or feminine right now. I fee like I'm on some edgy shit which is cool, but I want to be soft and flowy. I know that I would never relax my hair but I remember having my blow out and how "pretty" I looked to myself and others. Of course I always received a lot of extra attention with my long flowy jet black blow out, something that I honestly despised then but miss now. Strange huh? I've even pondered the possibility that my biological clock is about to start ticking and I am narrowing my chances of catching a man with locks, because let's face it, men are just programmed to prefer soft flowy hair. Maybe my auntie's voice is finally getting to me. Not sure what it is, not sure what I'll do about it, if anything. It's not too late to turn back, but being who I am I will continue to lock because I usually do what I say and finish what I start, plus I am still very curious and I think locks are incredibly beautiful. I think this is just a test or a phase, the "ugly" stage of locks that usually weeds out the real from the fakers. But I miss my afro puff, my blow out and my run your fingers through soft curly bush.

It's no secret that I love a man with dreadlocks, I think they are very sexy. But I often notice that I rarely see a man with locks with a woman/girlfriend/wife etc, also with locks. Their women usually have straight relaxed hair, short straight cuts etc. Or they are white/mixed/other. Why is that? Why do I even care and why is that a topic of pontification for me lately? This is the type of insecure BS I'm on and I hate it. Why am I seeking outside validation, especially over something like this?

So of course I'm thinking as I get older transitioning into locks would be a good look for me, and I hate the heat damage that I would get from pressing my hair....for my hair, heat is almost as bad as relaxing because it left me with permanently straight pieces. Maybe I just needed to get this out in the open before I do something I'll regret.

End of this random BS rant. Off to do some schoolwork. Ah school, the one thing keeping things in perspective for me right now.

Peace

Grown Folks' Business

Somewhere between, the mistakes, the breaks, the changes, the pain, the triumphs, the good, the crazy and the convoluted, I evolved into this beautiful, sexy (you know I had to throw that in there <:), thoughtful, independent, kind, generous, sometimes misunderstood, but always well-meaning, selfless, loving, wise, fun, funny, fearless God fearing, Grown Woman. WOW!

This might seem obvious enough but every once in a while, it just hits me! Like "girl you are so grown, you are such a woman", hell "phenomenally" even, to borrow from the great. LOL! Have you ever experienced this moment? Handling your own affairs, paying your bills, taking your vacays, putting money in the bank, having fun, loving, learning, and living the life that you've always wanted. Add to that, the fact that I've managed to surround myself with so many like minded goddesses, wow! I love it!! Today it happened as I was conducting one of my "pamper sessions". I peered at my eyes from behind my facial mask and said "gone GURL"!! "Get it Ma, you're doing you". Yes ladies and gentlemen, taking a bubble bath can induce such moments of clarity and self awareness (no pun intended). You should try it sometime. I had my music going and I just felt this surge of peace and excitement. I'm always an interesting dichotomy of extremes, LOL! Anyway, while taking my bubble bath with my glass of wine (yes sir, red wine to be exact) I think I uncovered the secret to life too..............................................wait for it, wait for it



Life is a constant process of evolving, learning, and growing that does not cease until we die (sorry if that's a little morbid and deflects from the positive tone of this post a bit). But yeah, that's a gem right? Of course I'm being facetious, but real talk, we (talking about women again) put sooooo many timetables on everything, even our own growth. Like "I can't be doing this anymore, girl, I'm going on 30 darn years old" when the "this" we're referring to is loving and losing, having a change of heart or mind about things, making some bad decisions (that we thought were good) or just some stuff that we can't really stamp a darn age limit on. Now should we know better about some stuff? Of course but it's not age that dictates, it's experience that brings wisdom (if we allow it). Cause what if you're a 35 year old woman that's never been in love before and gets your heart broken real good for real at 37? Does that make you stupid, green, immature? I vote no. Or what if at 42, you decide that the career you chose no longer fulfills and you want to go back to the drawing board to pursue your passion, do you lack direction? Again, I think not.

But I aint even trying to preach today. Maybe it was the good Word at church today (see what happens when you go to church? All positive and stuff)or the Jill Scott I was pumping as I took a time out for me, but I'm just feeling good about my womanhood and I want to celebrate!!! Who wants to raise a glass with me? Here's to me and all my other Grown Ass Women (and men), doing their thing, having fun and loving life!! CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow if I come back up in here, an emotional wreck, please don't hold it against me, ok? We've already established that this is a LIFE LONG process, right? LOL!! <:)

I'm ready for whatever's next though. Grown Folks , stand up!!!!! Okay sit back down, you know you're at work.

Daydreaming

Awakened by the bright morning sunshine bouncing off the equally brilliant hue of her bedroom walls, she attempts to open her eyes to embrace the day. Suddenly the thoughts came, as their song (her morning alarm) played. "And so it is, just like you said it would be...I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes...I can't take my mind off you,"...

It'd been so long since the last time they shared a kiss but the suppleness and sweetness of his lips still lingered on hers. She remembered how that last kiss felt like the first. She smiled at the memory of how he always found a reason to touch her, even during casual conversation. She longed for the feeling of his soft yet manly hands touching her, no caressing her and venturing into places that only he could. In her daydream, they are both giving in, plunging in with eyes wide shut allowing their lust, emotions, and passion to consume them...it consumes them, and they quench it willingly, knowingly...

She'd put on her "big girl" hat and stood on an "I can handle it" stance to convince herself that she could, knowing, yet unaware of how far her thoughts would take her...post him. "I wonder what his good to you feels like", she'd often surmised to herself, "what's he like on a...Another image interrupts her reverie. Suddenly it hurts. "Lord is this my punishment", she whispered into the air. She'd been here before so she knew better than to turn into a calling too damn much, crying, crying...she'd never intended to be this chic...instead she'd resolved to be a dreaming, wishing, desiring, yet letting go and loving him from afar woman of substance.

...She allows the warmth of the sun to surge her with the energy and will to rise from her slumber, and face day head on....opening her heart to new possibilities.

I Should be Working

But instead I'm rambling on my blog...

Sometimes I admire people that are just ruthless. I usually take the high road in situations but "my private thoughts" would absolutely horrify the most sinister among us.

I am going to run that 10K again next weekend. It was fun last year and I want to beat my time from last year. But I am definitely taking my IPOD this time, screw running etiquette.

Last week I ate french toast for breakfast almost everyday and it was orgasmic! It's showing on my gut this week though, LOL!!

It's funny how when the crap hits the fan, folks run for cover, choose sides and switch up on you, but I guess that's life. I've been here before.

I've drafted 3 separate emails to express my thoughts but I've not sent one of them yet. I am not usually one who bites my tongue but something gives me pause...oh that's right, I'm prioritizing other's feelings again. Silly me, when will I learn?

I need to work on my poker face. Do you have a poker face? What does it look like?

I need to figure what I want to be when I grow up.

I need to seriously pack to move. I can't believe I'm moving to a city that not too long ago I declared "you aint got to worry about me coming over there". LOL! My how l...never mind.

At 5:30 I am going to get a mani, pedi, and eyebrow wax, then I'm going to the movies to see "The Women" all before I go home and dive head deep back into my books. I love school!

I love MATH...Okay not really but I'm trying to use the power of persuasion over my situation.

It's funny how after one begins to "climb the corporate ladder" we forget how to do simple tasks like using the postage machine. It took me a minute but I figured it out. I can't let anyone catch me slipping like that!

Friend. What is your definition of a friend? How do you know when you have or are a true friend?

Love, Peace and Hair grease. I hope your weekend is as fabulous as I plan for mine to be...

That Elusive Him

Today is one of those days that I wish you were around, my Him, who understands that sometimes I might not want you around, yet you stick around because you want me around.

After brunch the other day, my girl turned to me and said “can you believe we spent all that time talking about men”? She was right and the tone in her voice said that she dissapproved of our focus. My initial reaction was to agree that we needed a new “subject” but during class last night I was somewhat enlightened as to why I and others (women in my peer group) love the subject of MEN. Apparently from a sociological perspective young adults (we’ll say 18-40) spend a great portion of this time in our lives pursuing and maintaining relationships with a “significant other”. I’ll use caution not to call this a natural process, but rather part of our sociological conditioning. It is what it is. Whether we get this idea from TV, other media or witnessing it modeled before us by parents, we get to a point in our own socialization that we seek this person and until we get Him, we want Him and when we find Him, we fight to keep Him.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to berate myself for wanting my elusive Him. I’m not going to apologize that my blog is chock full of lamentations and musings over Him; the Him I had, the Him I lost, the Him I’ve loved, the Him that disappointed me or the Him that’s gone. Sometime in the future, there will be more rambling over a Him and that’s just my reality. At the end of the day, it does not define me and caution is given to anyone who wishes to judge me solely from this lens. I am complex and this desire, no CRAVING for someone special is my gift and my curse. I admit that I may be a bit of a dreamer in that I exist in a perpetual state of "If" as an "anonymous" poster wisely commented on a recent post of mine. But my "if" syndrome is not just about having any ol' dude. It's more of "if" this wonderful person that has come into my life is the one, then I can finally graduate from seeking mode to keeping mode. If not, what's his point, just to fuel my fantasies?

Women have it rough. On one hand there’s all this pressure to get a man, get married, make babies, etc and on the other hand there’s this invisible veil of guilt that hangs over us for wanting these things. I’ve found myself and others apologizing or purposefully avoiding the desires that burn within. Today I feel lonely, but guess what? I still got my butt up at 5:00am to board a 6:07am train to work. Later, I will leave work and take the same path back, not to go home, but to drive to class and spend three more hours in a lecture on Management. When I get home, that ever present voice will say to me "damn it would be nice if He was here" to hug me and say "love, how was your day". I'll imagine Him smiling proudly at me as he watches me study. Once I finally climb into bed, I'll long to hold Him and tomorrow morning, I'll picture me cautiously tip toeing out of bed as to not prematurely wake Him when I have to rise at 5:00am (yes I have a vivid imagination, so?) to do it all over again.

I’ve done it without Him, I’m doing it without Him, but I still desire Him.

She's A Bitch

Difficult, Bitch, Arrogant, Mean, Aggressive, Ball Beater..

Some of the names that a woman who's about her business is often referred to. A woman who's not sleeping her way to the top, but works hard to get what she wants. She's at the top of her class, and quickly rising to the top of her craft. She's a sweetheart once you know her but can be as vicious as a pit bull if you cross her. Yes, she takes no prisoners when it comes to doing what she's paid to do. Ironically, this woman just feels as though she's doing her job and even the people doing the name calling and finger pointing can't deny that. They can't give her the lazy charge or find fault in her.. So they make shit up. So sad and childish...grow up and get a backbone and some business. Hey if you want something go for yours is her motto, how can you not appreciate that? As much as she tries to look out for others, you still don't like her, but you do have to respect her because try as you may, the people who's respect you're trying to gain, already respect her so your backstabbing bullshit is in vain and is leaving you looking so weak...while she's smiling all the way to the bank!

If you were smart, you'd get in her good graces and learn a thing or two because this woman is going places. Instead of of hating on her game, she could help you elevate yours. Yeah, she could teach you, but she'll have to charge, HA HA!!

Feeling Blah

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine and he was "like dang, what's wrong with you, you seem so distant". I don't know if distant is the correct word but I guess I wasn't giving up too much convo either. Hey, it's like that sometimes, nothing personal boo. I just feel blah, not sad, not happy, just nothing.

Nonetheless, I've had a fabulous weekend! I did a little "vintage" shopping on Friday and found some amazing pieces! I am still stunned. Friday night I got dolled up and chilled with my chicks a little bit at a private party of a friend who's launching a new business. Cool times. On Saturday I went to my class, then took a little trip to the mall in Towson (pretty cool mall, even though I hate malls). I didn't really buy anything but I was just curious to look because I had always heard that it's a nice mall. Saturday afternoon I went and had a facial that still has my skin feeling like a newborns bottom and then I went to a going away gathering for my God brother, an engineer who's accepted a 1 year position in Iraq!!!??? Let's just pray for him. It was nice to spend time with the family and we took a group trip to the movies to see the new Tyler Perry joint. It was just OK to me overall, but I really enjoyed the acting of Kathy Bates ("it's not you I don't trust, it's your private thoughts that give me pause". CLASSIC!!) and Sanaa Lathan. I'm curious to hear other's reaction to the movie.

Today I enjoyed my favorite Sunday past time, going to worship followed by brunch where I ate whatever I wanted to eat AGAIN. I really need to get back right before I lose my waistline. Since then I've come home, slept on a full stomach, did some homework, cleaned up and I'm trying to think about what I need to pack to live in Baltimore part-time this week again...but I still feel blah, I need some excitement!! My girl took me to lunch on Thursday, fed me good and tempted me with a trip to Paris for her birthday in November, hmmmm.....

It's Me Again...

I'd immersed myself so far into the political drama of the elections that now I'm sick of it all and refuse to listen to anymore campaign crap! I've decided to just say F it and vote for Obama...even if it's just because he's black. He's half African too, so there...

I can't place my finger on it, but I'm curiously laid back in my classes..I'm usually very outspoken and engaged but for some reason I'm in a quiet mood. I just want to fly under the radar, get my grades and move on...

I'm at that time of the month where I absolutely crave two things; sweet, starchy carbs and S.E.X. For my own sanity and the well-being of those around me, I've put my eating healthy regimen on pause (temporarily) and allowed myself to indulge in the former.

All the lyrics to the new song by Rhianna, accurately describe my state of being around the time when Aunt Dot is due..."I gotta get out or figure this ish out", DISTURBIA!!

The death of Kanika T. Powell has suddenly made me aware of my own vulnerability as a single woman, living alone...but God has not given me a spirit of fear so I'll press on...

It Be Like that Sometimes

Last week was fabulous! I started school and upon receipt of each syllabus I couldn't help but think to myself "this is going to be easy", LOL! I know it's not going to be easy but I'm psyching myself into believing that it will be. My approach and outlook has been "don't let them see you sweat" EVER!

This morning I woke up feeling great! I fixed myself a healthy breakfast (ignored the desire to stay home, trying to be a good student) and braved the torrential downpour of Tropical Storm Hannah and drove all the way from Upper Marlboro to Towson (this ish has got to end ASAP) only to find that my class/professor was no where to be found!!! WHAT? So I just took 10 deep breaths (quoted my "don't let em see you sweat" mantra) and exited the premises. Once I reached my car I had the brilliant idea that perhaps I could move my hair appt. up from 4 until as soon as my loctician could take me. So I call her up at the shop and I'm told that she's "not coming in today". WTF?? Soooo was I going to get a courtesy call? I quickly had a flashback of hairdressers not showing up (one of my main reasons for going natural so long ago), I just don't like inconsiderate actions but again I inhaled and exhaled several times...repeated the mantra and headed back home...I turned the radio up as loud as I could, silencing the rising frustration in my chest and drove home. As I drove I thought to myself, perhaps this was God's way of giving me the rest that I really do need. So home I went and rested I did. There really is a silver lining afer all.

That Boom Physique

I have been following the principles of the ABS diet since I got back from my last South Africa trip and man I am getting sexier, if I must say so myself! This stuff works and it's so easy. Your food focus are the 12 power foods and eating 5-6 meals per day. You eat all day so you're never hungry. I love it! I even got some of my people doing it. I found out recently that Kelly Rowland of DC3 is on this and though her frame is different from mine, I think she's hot!

The ABS Diet Power 12

Now I know that most people that know me will probably say that I don't need to diet but I say that at barely 5 2' and naturally "thick", I need to watch it. Plus I like my clothes and I understand the importance (both health and vanity reasons) of having a good waist to hip differential. I'm also more effective in my workout and have tons of energy, stamina and focus. This way of eating really works and I would normally not advocate any diet but this one rocks.

My routine has pretty much been as follows:

Mon-Fri

Instant plain oatmeal mixed with non-fat milk or vanilla yogurt, splenda and walnuts for breakfast.

A handful of almonds for a snack about two hours later.

Salmon (I only eat fish) and baby spinach salad for lunch about 2-3 hours later. Some days I make tofu instead of fish.

Non fat yogurt mixed with blueberries and walnuts for a snack, 2-3 hours later.

Egg whites omelet (spinach, onions and tomatoes) prepared with olive oil for dinner. Or whey protein mixed with berries, yogurt and milk for dinner if I work out that evening.

Of course I also drink plenty of water and I'm not a caffeine fan at all, but I love herbal tea so I have that.

I pretty much stick to the same foods because I don't mind it, I'm a creature of habit and it makes my grocery shopping and life simpler. Plus I'm a good cook so I can make pretty much anything taste good and different. Others might require more variety which can be achieved as well.

On the weekend, I usually let my hair down a bit and have a drink or glass of wine if I go out and dessert if I want it. I'm going to see how I'll tweak this to work with my school schedule but I plan to continue. My abs are on point. It's only fair to mention that I've been stepping up my abs workout game as well. I'm going to be going to the gym or jogging in the morning more since I have school in the evening but this diet is cool because I don't have to eat certain foods at certain times or any foolishness like that and I can snack on an apple or nuts during class. So far I have dropped 7 pounds and I've only been working out moderately since my social calendar has not allowed me to be such a gym rat lately. Anybody looking to drop a few pounds, tone up, or just get on a healthier eating track should check this out.

Lessons Learned

1. Love does not make sense, but it makes a good song as my girl Alicia Keys once noted. But even in love, it's important to still use my brain because the heart is foolish and even the Bible cautions us to guard it.

2. There is nothing wrong with loving someone hard, but I have to save somethings for myself and demand reciprocity or I will end up feeling unappreciated, resentful and jaded.

3. I will not beat myself up for being who I am and I will not attempt to change me, I will just be more cautious of whom I give of myself to. This applies to ANY relationship.

4. I am smart and even though it despairs me that I come from a family of engineers yet I struggle with math, it does not take away from my intelligence because I have a NEVER QUIT attitude that can't be taught.

5. I am an influential person (I even have the psychological profile to back it up) so I have to be careful of how I project myself to others.

6. I am beautiful even when I don't feel or act beautiful.

7. I have a lot of intelligent, upwardly mobile, beautiful, driven, loving, thoughtful, trustworthy, real women in my life and I need to make it my priority to nurture these relationships. My sister circle must be cherished and never taken for granted.

8. Sometimes, no matter how much I want something, once I strip away all the BS and fluff and see that it's not for me, I HAVE to walk away.

9. My relationship with God and my family are paramount and trump anything else in my life, period.

10. I have to take care of me first. I am a giver and that's a great thing but I can no longer put other people's needs, wants, and feelings before mine.

11. I make good decisions and even when I feel that I don't (especially with men) I realize that I do. Even the people that it didn't work out with are good people and it was my decision to involve myself with them.

12. I need to get some platonic male friends. No matter how "cool" I am with my ex or other past lovers, I can't depend on them for unbiased relationship advice about other men. There will always be an undercurrent of "who the F is this n@**# with them! LOL!

13. I am a grown woman now and as such, when I need to get something done, I will make sure my funds are in place and hire a professional. I have been on the wrong side of the "homeboy hookup" enough times to know that it's not economical or cute.

14. I am independent and it does not take away from my independence that I sometimes want to fall back and let a man take care of me.

15. Confronting a loved one with a gripe will not make them stop loving me and if they do walk out of my life because I had to "go off" on them, they never really loved me in the first place. Sometimes I just have to let people know about themselves, with all due respect.

16. Things are generally not as hard, serious, monumental, offensive, heartbreaking, or earth shattering as I may perceive them to be. I need to let my imagination run wild in areas of creativity, (i.e. writing, inventing, birthing new business ideas, etc) but not in my interpersonal relationships.

17. God is good all the time!

Please Excuse Me as I Undergo Fall Renovations

Shout out to my girl TC for coining this term, "fall renovations". It's kind of funny when you think about the random things that we say that turn out to be so on point!

I am very excited about starting school tomorrow. That might sound a bit nerdy but it's true. To prepare, I decided to just chill this past weekend. On Friday night I caught up with an old friend from school at Zola in downtown DC. The food was just OK but the company was excellent. We had a very interesting conversation and I've decided that I am going to spend much more time with this intelligent and interesting woman in the future. On Saturday I chilled so hard that I might as well have been in a coma! But it was good times and I needed it because this was my last Saturday to enjoy that kind of luxury for a while. Sunday, a glorious day, was spent getting my worship on and then having brunch and doing some shopping with my girl in Georgetown. We got our cosmetics shopping on (my favorite past time), got us some skin tuners, because gorgeous skin is the new black. We had a blast and I purchased one of my fall/winter staple pieces.

I got this bubble coat that is just the perfect blend of chic, girly, and practical, cause that bad boy is down filled, plus I love the color! I also got some of my favorite Dermalogica and Bliss skincare products and some pucker perfecting items from MAC. All I need now is some Chloe perfume and I'm set. Can you say retail therapy? It was an absolutely perfect day!!

I am thinking of just breaking down and treating myself to a new purse and there are only three that I really like: This one by Tuffi Duek and the classic LV Speedy.



I never wanted the LV when it was the "it" thing but now I like it, especially this more chocolate muted version. The last one (pictured) that I really like is pretty much any bag by Chloe (I just love the Boho chic style of Chloe bags) but the price range is laughable. I can't decide and knowing me I'll wait until I can actually justify such a purchase, which would be the day after never. Maybe after I get straight A's this semester, I can treat myself for a job well done. Better yet, maybe I'll wait until I actually graduate and go for the Chloe bag. I'm not cheap but things just have to make sense for me to drop money on because I like to have money in the bank as well as in my wallet! I am usually the type that makes one "big" purchase once every blue moon rather than staying up in the mall or running out to buy a new outfit each time I'm going somewhere. Nope, quality over quantity is my motto. When I inventory my closet, I already have most if not all of the fall trends, the feminine blouse, the plaid pieces, the sheath dress, the muted floral dresses, the booties. I've got it all from my past life as a shopaholic and working in fashion retail. Besides, I was told by an older fashionista in my life that once you're over 25, you should (mostly) buy pieces that are classic and timeless.

Aside from the above superficial indulgences, the most important renovation that I'm currently undergoing is the one inside. I am taking a personal inventory (checking out my insecurities, indiscretions, mistakes, fears as well as all my wonderful qualities), learning from the things I've experienced (both good and bad) and revamping to become a better woman, friend, student, teacher, believer, business person and daughter. I'm upgrading myself and plan to take better care of me, especially my heart, period! That's one renovation that won't cost me a thing but will reward me instead. Gotta love that!

Just My Thoughts

I have not been blogging that much recently...because I have been busy for one, I have not really felt like it, and I've been talking to my circle instead of airing my thoughts here. But sometimes I realize that I am such an oxymoron because I resent my "heart on my sleeve" ways and hate the fact that I am such an open book. I wish I could be a little more mysterious, lol...but I guess I am who I am...if you don't love me, somebody else will..

The narcissistic part of me that needs to see some shit with my own eyes before it's real to me (so sad, I know) wants to go to this thing this weekend and even feel some pain from whatever I might be confronted with and move on from there...but I can't say that what I feel would change from that. It most likely wouldn't.

Today is the one year anniversary of the first date. As much fault finding I tired to do, I was gone from date 1. If the information received on date 2 didn't deter me, nothing else would. So one year later, here I sit and I reminisce over you; about the patient way you were with me, in helping me do stuff, tutoring me, listening to me vent about random shit, letting me vent about you to you, LOL!, waiting for me to become ready and then sexing me passionately when I was, the neat (much better than mine) penmanship you have, the cool intense thing you do with your eyes whenever I would go off and you'd just watch me with a half serious have smirk look on your face, to how domesticated you make me want to be, to the memory of you folding clothes as I did my own thing, to you pulling me off the couch to dance with me to a slow groove that came on the radio the first time we chilled at your place, to the thoughts of you that I have every time I hear certain songs by your favorite artists, the way you went out of your way to cater to my picky eating habits...okay I'm done. LOL!

So I started locking my hair like two months ago. By now I expected to have re-nigged on the deal, but I am so anxious to follow through with it. I am very committed to the process. I am shocked at myself for real, but I hope this shows that I've grown in some ways from always having to change my hairstyle (drastically) every other minute to feel right. Like my hair is in more often than not, in some stage of unneatness right now and I am so okay with that. I am just looking forward to the day when I'll have long mature locks that fall into my face, swing sexily over my breasts and have to be brushed aside by my lover as he reaches in for a kiss...leave it to me to romanticize some damn locks!! Yeah I'm hopeless, but there is still hope for me yet...

Subject: FW: Haters By Maya Angelou

LOL! I got this email forward as I was JUST having a discussion with someone about how I HATE the concept of a "hater" since it's usually (wrongly) applied to anyone that simply does not like something, someone, or and idea. Why do I have to be a "hater" simply because I don't like the dress Rhianna is wearing or the fact that someone can't pay their rent but goes out and buys a new Benz and I choose to comment on it? I might be being nosy or even speaking out of turn but does that make me a hater? Anyway, I like the definition below. To me if you’re going to call someone something as harsh as this, make it relevant.

Subject: FW: Haters By Maya Angelou

Haters
By Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall. They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough! When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters. That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams, because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed. It's dangerous to be like somebody else. If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right? You never know what people have gone through to get what they have. The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story. If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!
We've all got some haters among us! People envy you because you can:
Have a relationship with God
Light up a room when you walk in
Start your own business
Tell a man / woman to hit the curb (if he / she isn't about the right thing)
Raise your children without both parents being in the home.

Haters can't stand to see you happy, Haters will never want to see you succeed, Haters never want you to get the victory, most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side. How do you handle your undercover haters?
You can handle these haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are *(VERY IMPORTANT!!)
2. Having a purpose to your life? Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.
3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation. Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live. When its your time to leave this earth, you 'want' to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and fulfilled 'my' dreams. Now I'm ready to go home! When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at me. Look at Who is in charge of me.'

New Beginnings

Can melancholy and peace coexist? I vote yes, because interestingly, that’s what I feel right now. The textbook definition of melancholy is a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression but also, sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness. I think I’m more on the ladder end. Throw in a bit of excitement and curiosity too.

Last Friday’s date was 08/08/08, in case you missed it. LOL! As a pretty spiritual person I have been told, read, and believe that as the number 7 represents the number of completion or perfection, the number 8 in the spiritual realm, represents a transition into newness or new beginnings. Last Friday I recognized the date and the significance of the numbers and embraced it as my time of newness and transition onto an even greater plateau. I had just returned from a month of being in South Africa, felt very confident and excited about my latest projects and later that evening had a wonderful dinner and girl talk session with my girl from high school. Even later that evening, I had another catching up session with two more great women from high school. I was excited, happy and could feel the tide turning (for the better) in my spirit. I mean I could just feel it!

Then BAM!! On Saturday, my ex calls to deliver some sobering news that his new girlfriend just had a baby girl for him two weeks ago. For many reasons, most of which I could not even explain, I was crushed. I cried for a while and at one point I looked myself in the mirror and asked myself honestly why this news bothered me so. After all, we are over and I’m the one that ended it. The most honest answer I got back was that at one time and for a very long time, this man represented my hope for a future family, my dream to be a wife and a mother and now that reality rests with him and someone else. I also felt that in some weird way I was reliving our horrible break up all over again. I think that letting him get close to me again, as we had become recently made me vulnerable to him again. [lesson learned: guard my heart] But God is good because just as I was bracing myself for a week of tears, depression and sadness, I was surrounded by friends who were there for me to talk some sense into me, encourage me, love on me and pray for me. I was allowed to cry and vent and I was supported. So though I am melancholy about it and find myself drifting into wonder about what his baby girl looks like, how he’s holding her tenderly and cooing at her, how they are relating as a “family” etc…I am not bitter, envious, or jealous and I have not shed one more tear over it since Sunday. My girl said one thing that stood out to me. She was like "P, the man that is for you will be a giver (of himself) like you are". All I could say was "Damn", because that was so poignant. I have decided to be patient and let this wonderful, giving man find me and love me as I deserve to be loved. Until then I have to "think about myself for a change" as my wise ex advised me this weekend. That is the best thing he has ever said to me. LOL!

I believe that I am at peace and if I have not arrived there, I am quickly finding my way to it.

I know that I am so much better off. I don’t wish to be an unwed mother and at the end of the day he and I had to end because he is very selfish and I am totally unselfish, there is no way he and I could have continued to coexisted happily once I became a self aware woman. There was a brief moment where I considered not giving him the gift that I bought him from South Africa (LOL!) but it’s just not in me to be an Indian giver and he totally loved it. Forgiveness is key and though I know he is very undeserving, the big ass grin on his face warmed my heart.

Since the drama of the weekend I have cleaned my house from top to bottom (cause that's what I do when I'm upset), purged my closet for clothes and shoes to donate and just trying to ride this whole wave of freshness and newness that I feel and I am determined to hold onto no matter what foolishness comes my way.

This week I decided that I am moving to Baltimore and have started the process to rent my house and find a place there. I am so sure in spite of not yet having a renter or a place to move into there that I have already began packing. I am just claiming it all done! I am so excited I can hardly sit still! I am also starting at a new school next month and I am so thrilled at the idea of going back to school. I am ready to go back into nerd mode and have no life. I can picture myself in my new place in Baltimore, writing a paper, reading and sipping some tea. Being from the DC area, we were always told bad things about Baltimore but I have a feeling like I am going to love Baltimore and I already know that it's not all like 'The Wire'! Plus I know some good people there and I have family there. Can you tell that I'm excited?

After a month of drinking wine and feasting on rich food in South Africa I am now eating better and following the principles of the ABS diet as well as working out and I feel fabulous! Like my girl Free says “I’m getting fine” and I feel so good about all the wonderful new things and blessings that are in store for me!

I'm Back!!!!!!!!

I feel like my girl TC with the "I'm Back" post but the title is just so befitting, what can I say?

So yes I'm back and honestly it feels good. As much as I love Africa and still plan to move there, I missed my people! I touched down at 6:00am today and things kind of got off to a rocky start. I was in a bit of a funky mood and I was straight lunching!! But Ima be easy on myself because one of my bags did not make it to the states (blower number 1) and I had to pay $476.00 to exit the airport parking lot and I felt awful even though I know I'll be reimbursed. It just felt irresponsible of me to have been rushing and parked in the premium lot instead of the less expensive lot on accident, but I'll get over it. On top of that my car (tire) was making a funny sound. I have to admit that I was feeling sorry for myself because as all this was happening, I had a moment of immense loneliness and feeling tired of always doing it alone. I remember when I was going to Atlanta and my friend gave me a ride without me having to even ask and how good and relaxing it felt to have this little help, especially since he also helped me find my driver's license in a crunch and kept me from missing my cousin's wedding! I loves me some him!<:)

Later (after some much needed sleep), as I reflect on why I was moody this morning, I realized what it was. It's just too bad I couldn’t find the words to describe my emotions without sounding needy and pitiful. I still think I sounded pitiful and needy but every once in while I have one of those "damsel in distress" moments and wish to be rescued and taken care of. But guess what? Right now, that's not a luxury for me so, NEXT!

South Africa was a blast. The last week there was stressful, workwise but when is work not stressful? After everyone moved into the new building, we had only one phone line (going in both directions) because TELCOM, the telecommunications monopoly in SA just felt like taking their time. Finally on Thursday we were up and running with that but our crazy real estate agent called me out of my sleep on Friday morning with some BS about more ridiculous charges that they want us to pay. See that right there is why I opted to fight them the first time instead of just giving in, BUT NOOOO!! Like the Bible says "don't give place to the devil". Now these bastards are going to be coming back with all kinds of foolishness and honestly I am not surprised. But hey, I tried and frankly I'll fight them some more.

Friday afternoon we had a wine and cheese celebration where I was highlighted for my efforts. It's nice to be appreciated but it's so embarrassing to be put in the spotlight especially when I know that this project took a village (no pun intended). Then I realized that I did bust my tail to pull this project off and was diligent in selecting the right vendors, contractors and team to work with. I also did most of the planning phase in the states and that presented an even greater challenge. It was not easy at all but in the end, everything went well, so for that I say yes, give this chick a hand, because I gave it my all, did a great job and I deserve it. So I got over myself, stuffed my face with some good wine and fruit and enjoyed the moment.

When I got off work Friday evening, I had a fabulous facial and even went on a little date. <:)

Saturday I got some much need retail therapy, went back to my room and packed for my departure and now I'm back!! Did you miss me?

Reporting, Live from the Motherland

So I was watching a show called ‘African Diaspora’ the other night and the discussion was about future President Barak Obama and how his presidency would affect the nations of Africa. I sensed from the questions that were being asked by the host that there is an expectation for Obama to create policy to effect change in the motherland. Wow! I mean that is so much pressure but I completely get it. The way they see it, he’s black, hell he’s half Kenyan so he needs to “help a brother and a sister out” essentially.

One of the things that I’ve noticed and appreciate about people in the places that I’ve visited in Africa is that Africans don’t mince words. They pretty much put it out there. So the host was asking the guest questions like “what changes will Obama make to ease the economic, social and political strains that many African nations are facing today”? “Will Obama have an “I’m my brother’s keeper policy strategy or will he seek to please his constituents in Washington”? Yes, he actually asked this question. My mouth was agape during this entire episode!

The guest was Monica Faith Stewart, a an EMEA delegate to the Democratic Convention who lives in South Africa and represents the US Democratic party in that region. Well Ms. Stewart, being the American that she is (you know how we like to mince words, be politically correct, and use cute euphemisms for obvious shit) was practically accosted with questions that she clearly did not feel comfortable answering. In her defense, she’s obviously NOT in the position to speak for Senator Obama and the truth is no one really knows what this man will do once in office. The host’s position was basically that Africa is tired of being viewed as the Dark Continent that’s plagued with HIV. As the host stated, African nations have been saying for years that they want "trade and not aid". There is talent amongst the people but most of the countries are not in the position to help themselves without an opportunity to trade and engage economically with the western world, sad but true. But the way the host badgered this woman was priceless! Maybe you had to be there to really get it, but I laughed my ass off.

So then I watched a show called ‘Countdown to 2010’, which basically is all about South Africa’s country preparedness plan to host the FIFA World Cup in 2010. As I watched all, I could think to myself was WTF is wrong with the people making economic decisions in this country? I understand that to host a huge event like the World Cup, the Olympics, etc, the host nation must make some adjustments and changes to the infrastructure of that area in order to accommodate the event. Maybe I’m naïve but it seems to me, that those changes will cost a lot and for that reason, that country needs to be able recoup that loss from revenue generated during the event and AFTER!

To me South Africa is not the place for this. For one, there is a huge energy crisis in SA. The last time I was here, all the power in the area I was went out every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday from 4-6pm. If you had a generator, great, if not, lights out for 2 hours. Why, because there was not enough coal/energy supply to sustain the normal energy usage so the government devised this load shedding plan for the entire country to help assuage the costs. During this trip, we didn’t have these power outages because the government raised the electricity costs by 40% instead. Gotta love that! I don’t even know if it’s worth mentioning the crime rate here. So of course they’re beefing up the police force. Good thing for people who’ll get jobs during this time but what happens when the festivities end? Will the economy be stimulated enough to sustain itself or will it crumble in the aftermath?

It seems to me that SA is taking a huge leap of faith by agreeing to host this thing, in the hopes that hosting the World Cup will “put South Africa on the map”. See right there is where I’m like get the f%&k outta here. How many of us have not heard of freaking South Africa? Nelson Mandela, hello!!

Ask 10 (black) Americans to name some countries on the continent of Africa (first make sure that those 10 people know that Africa itself is not a country) and I am almost positive that South Africa, Nigeria, Ghana, Egypt, Senegal (maybe folks who realize that Senegalese twists are called that for a reason), Ethiopia & Somalia (thanks to all those ‘Save the Children’ TV campaigns), Rwanda (thanks to Don Cheadle), Kenya (cause they always win for running at the Olympics, sorry), Sierra Leon (blood diamonds), and maybe Cote D’Ivoire and the Congo. Zimbabwe’s getting a lot of airplay on the global news scene now (maybe on BBC, not FOX news) thanks to Robert Mugabe’s thuggish ways but I have a colleague here who’s from Zimbabwe who worked in Malawi and was asked by a South African recruiter if Malawi was a town in Zimbabwe, which BTW shares a border with South Africa.

Some of the countries listed above are questionable depending on one’s global (African) scope of awareness but I don’t care what they try to sell me, South Africa is on the damn map!!! Cut the jokes and tell us the real reason why you’re gambling with this country that’s already in economic dire straits. Oh that’s right you won’t. I got my own theories though.

I’d love to meet people from or that have visited places in Africa that I’ve never heard of for real. Right I am obsessed with everything about the entire continent.

Selfish People

See me, I get great pleasure in doing things and even going the extra mile to make people happy and comfortable, especially when I’m not obligated to do so. It just makes me feel good! But I have seen and it’s finally sinking in that it’s the nature of people to just be selfish and unappreciative and they will find something unsatisfactory with your efforts and harp on that regardless of whatever else you’ve done that is great. That mess cracks me up.

So this weekend I WORKED!! I’ve worked an average of 11 hours per day since I’ve been in SA but I have not complained because it’s all for the cause. But this weekend we embarked on a MISSION to set up a new office, not just an office, an entire 1535 square meter, 4 story building, you do the math…

I did all that I felt was necessary to get this right, from managing vendors, screaming and kicking to get things right to hunching over a hoover and vacuuming every inch of this building myself to make it beautiful, I’m talking breaking out the furniture polish and everything! Because let’s be honest; presentation is everything. Why build a fabulous new house and hand it over to the new owners, filthy? Since this is SA and people (smart for them) don’t work on the weekend, I had to put on my maid hat and get busy and honestly, I did so happily because no one forced me to, you know?

Fast forward to this morning, the first thing people started doing was complaining about the smallest things; “my ceiling tile in my office is open”. Okay well, the alarm company is making some changes to the system because it’s too sensitive and we had 3 false alarms over the weekend! “Why didn’t we get the white boards and art work hung up over the weekend”? WTF? Okay how about we moved two offices into this building over the weekend and hanging paintings was not in the scope of work for the movers or me for that matter! “This light bulb is out”. “We need to build a climate controlled area for these HIV test kits”. Okay why in the world did you not give me that specification (even though I asked each manager) before construction? Let me call my architect and engineers up and handle that right fast. Then my favorite; “I want my desk this way because I don’t want to look up and stare someone in the face, and when you turn it around I want this bloody screen off because it won’t look right”. Okay well, the way you want it won’t allow the door to open all the way or grant you proper egress from your desk to the door and the reason the screen is there is because the Chief wanted me to make the best use of all the old screens that we’ve already invested in and I did my best to grant that wish. So basically you want me to break fire code regulations to make you happy? I’ll get right on that. It might sit better with me if they at least ASKED instead of demanding but honestly, if it were me and I knew that on Friday I was working in one office and I came in on Monday morning and the contents of that office had been moved to a gorgeous new one with all my shit in it and intact, not to mention all my necessary electronics had been moved, set up and WORKING, I would just unpack, enjoy all the natural sunlight seeping in through the huge floor to ceiling windows in my office, eat me a slice of the “welcome to our new office” cake and Shut the hell up!! But hey, that’s just me.

This feels like making a “just because” elaborate dinner for your man, cleaning HIS whole house from top to bottom just to make the load lighter on him and he comes home and says “that’s all you’ve done”? Or, “why didn’t you make a loaded baked potato to accompany that steak instead of steak fries”? Or for a man; noting a favorite new CD in your girl’s car and copping some tickets for her to see that artist in a town nearby and she says “oh you too cheap to buy front row seats”? Some people are so “obliviously selfish”, but I digress...