Friday, August 29, 2008

Just My Thoughts

I have not been blogging that much recently...because I have been busy for one, I have not really felt like it, and I've been talking to my circle instead of airing my thoughts here. But sometimes I realize that I am such an oxymoron because I resent my "heart on my sleeve" ways and hate the fact that I am such an open book. I wish I could be a little more mysterious, lol...but I guess I am who I am...if you don't love me, somebody else will..

The narcissistic part of me that needs to see some shit with my own eyes before it's real to me (so sad, I know) wants to go to this thing this weekend and even feel some pain from whatever I might be confronted with and move on from there...but I can't say that what I feel would change from that. It most likely wouldn't.

Today is the one year anniversary of the first date. As much fault finding I tired to do, I was gone from date 1. If the information received on date 2 didn't deter me, nothing else would. So one year later, here I sit and I reminisce over you; about the patient way you were with me, in helping me do stuff, tutoring me, listening to me vent about random shit, letting me vent about you to you, LOL!, waiting for me to become ready and then sexing me passionately when I was, the neat (much better than mine) penmanship you have, the cool intense thing you do with your eyes whenever I would go off and you'd just watch me with a half serious have smirk look on your face, to how domesticated you make me want to be, to the memory of you folding clothes as I did my own thing, to you pulling me off the couch to dance with me to a slow groove that came on the radio the first time we chilled at your place, to the thoughts of you that I have every time I hear certain songs by your favorite artists, the way you went out of your way to cater to my picky eating habits...okay I'm done. LOL!

So I started locking my hair like two months ago. By now I expected to have re-nigged on the deal, but I am so anxious to follow through with it. I am very committed to the process. I am shocked at myself for real, but I hope this shows that I've grown in some ways from always having to change my hairstyle (drastically) every other minute to feel right. Like my hair is in more often than not, in some stage of unneatness right now and I am so okay with that. I am just looking forward to the day when I'll have long mature locks that fall into my face, swing sexily over my breasts and have to be brushed aside by my lover as he reaches in for a kiss...leave it to me to romanticize some damn locks!! Yeah I'm hopeless, but there is still hope for me yet...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Subject: FW: Haters By Maya Angelou

LOL! I got this email forward as I was JUST having a discussion with someone about how I HATE the concept of a "hater" since it's usually (wrongly) applied to anyone that simply does not like something, someone, or and idea. Why do I have to be a "hater" simply because I don't like the dress Rhianna is wearing or the fact that someone can't pay their rent but goes out and buys a new Benz and I choose to comment on it? I might be being nosy or even speaking out of turn but does that make me a hater? Anyway, I like the definition below. To me if you’re going to call someone something as harsh as this, make it relevant.

Subject: FW: Haters By Maya Angelou

By Maya Angelou

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall. They are very negative people to say the least. Nothing is ever good enough! When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters. That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams, because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed. It's dangerous to be like somebody else. If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right? You never know what people have gone through to get what they have. The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story. If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!
We've all got some haters among us! People envy you because you can:
Have a relationship with God
Light up a room when you walk in
Start your own business
Tell a man / woman to hit the curb (if he / she isn't about the right thing)
Raise your children without both parents being in the home.

Haters can't stand to see you happy, Haters will never want to see you succeed, Haters never want you to get the victory, most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side. How do you handle your undercover haters?
You can handle these haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are *(VERY IMPORTANT!!)
2. Having a purpose to your life? Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.
3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation. Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live. When its your time to leave this earth, you 'want' to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and fulfilled 'my' dreams. Now I'm ready to go home! When God gives you favor, you can tell your haters, 'Don't look at me. Look at Who is in charge of me.'

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

New Beginnings

Can melancholy and peace coexist? I vote yes, because interestingly, that’s what I feel right now. The textbook definition of melancholy is a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression but also, sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness. I think I’m more on the ladder end. Throw in a bit of excitement and curiosity too.

Last Friday’s date was 08/08/08, in case you missed it. LOL! As a pretty spiritual person I have been told, read, and believe that as the number 7 represents the number of completion or perfection, the number 8 in the spiritual realm, represents a transition into newness or new beginnings. Last Friday I recognized the date and the significance of the numbers and embraced it as my time of newness and transition onto an even greater plateau. I had just returned from a month of being in South Africa, felt very confident and excited about my latest projects and later that evening had a wonderful dinner and girl talk session with my girl from high school. Even later that evening, I had another catching up session with two more great women from high school. I was excited, happy and could feel the tide turning (for the better) in my spirit. I mean I could just feel it!

Then BAM!! On Saturday, my ex calls to deliver some sobering news that his new girlfriend just had a baby girl for him two weeks ago. For many reasons, most of which I could not even explain, I was crushed. I cried for a while and at one point I looked myself in the mirror and asked myself honestly why this news bothered me so. After all, we are over and I’m the one that ended it. The most honest answer I got back was that at one time and for a very long time, this man represented my hope for a future family, my dream to be a wife and a mother and now that reality rests with him and someone else. I also felt that in some weird way I was reliving our horrible break up all over again. I think that letting him get close to me again, as we had become recently made me vulnerable to him again. [lesson learned: guard my heart] But God is good because just as I was bracing myself for a week of tears, depression and sadness, I was surrounded by friends who were there for me to talk some sense into me, encourage me, love on me and pray for me. I was allowed to cry and vent and I was supported. So though I am melancholy about it and find myself drifting into wonder about what his baby girl looks like, how he’s holding her tenderly and cooing at her, how they are relating as a “family” etc…I am not bitter, envious, or jealous and I have not shed one more tear over it since Sunday. My girl said one thing that stood out to me. She was like "P, the man that is for you will be a giver (of himself) like you are". All I could say was "Damn", because that was so poignant. I have decided to be patient and let this wonderful, giving man find me and love me as I deserve to be loved. Until then I have to "think about myself for a change" as my wise ex advised me this weekend. That is the best thing he has ever said to me. LOL!

I believe that I am at peace and if I have not arrived there, I am quickly finding my way to it.

I know that I am so much better off. I don’t wish to be an unwed mother and at the end of the day he and I had to end because he is very selfish and I am totally unselfish, there is no way he and I could have continued to coexisted happily once I became a self aware woman. There was a brief moment where I considered not giving him the gift that I bought him from South Africa (LOL!) but it’s just not in me to be an Indian giver and he totally loved it. Forgiveness is key and though I know he is very undeserving, the big ass grin on his face warmed my heart.

Since the drama of the weekend I have cleaned my house from top to bottom (cause that's what I do when I'm upset), purged my closet for clothes and shoes to donate and just trying to ride this whole wave of freshness and newness that I feel and I am determined to hold onto no matter what foolishness comes my way.

This week I decided that I am moving to Baltimore and have started the process to rent my house and find a place there. I am so sure in spite of not yet having a renter or a place to move into there that I have already began packing. I am just claiming it all done! I am so excited I can hardly sit still! I am also starting at a new school next month and I am so thrilled at the idea of going back to school. I am ready to go back into nerd mode and have no life. I can picture myself in my new place in Baltimore, writing a paper, reading and sipping some tea. Being from the DC area, we were always told bad things about Baltimore but I have a feeling like I am going to love Baltimore and I already know that it's not all like 'The Wire'! Plus I know some good people there and I have family there. Can you tell that I'm excited?

After a month of drinking wine and feasting on rich food in South Africa I am now eating better and following the principles of the ABS diet as well as working out and I feel fabulous! Like my girl Free says “I’m getting fine” and I feel so good about all the wonderful new things and blessings that are in store for me!

Monday, August 4, 2008

I'm Back!!!!!!!!

I feel like my girl TC with the "I'm Back" post but the title is just so befitting, what can I say?

So yes I'm back and honestly it feels good. As much as I love Africa and still plan to move there, I missed my people! I touched down at 6:00am today and things kind of got off to a rocky start. I was in a bit of a funky mood and I was straight lunching!! But Ima be easy on myself because one of my bags did not make it to the states (blower number 1) and I had to pay $476.00 to exit the airport parking lot and I felt awful even though I know I'll be reimbursed. It just felt irresponsible of me to have been rushing and parked in the premium lot instead of the less expensive lot on accident, but I'll get over it. On top of that my car (tire) was making a funny sound. I have to admit that I was feeling sorry for myself because as all this was happening, I had a moment of immense loneliness and feeling tired of always doing it alone. I remember when I was going to Atlanta and my friend gave me a ride without me having to even ask and how good and relaxing it felt to have this little help, especially since he also helped me find my driver's license in a crunch and kept me from missing my cousin's wedding! I loves me some him!<:)

Later (after some much needed sleep), as I reflect on why I was moody this morning, I realized what it was. It's just too bad I couldn’t find the words to describe my emotions without sounding needy and pitiful. I still think I sounded pitiful and needy but every once in while I have one of those "damsel in distress" moments and wish to be rescued and taken care of. But guess what? Right now, that's not a luxury for me so, NEXT!

South Africa was a blast. The last week there was stressful, workwise but when is work not stressful? After everyone moved into the new building, we had only one phone line (going in both directions) because TELCOM, the telecommunications monopoly in SA just felt like taking their time. Finally on Thursday we were up and running with that but our crazy real estate agent called me out of my sleep on Friday morning with some BS about more ridiculous charges that they want us to pay. See that right there is why I opted to fight them the first time instead of just giving in, BUT NOOOO!! Like the Bible says "don't give place to the devil". Now these bastards are going to be coming back with all kinds of foolishness and honestly I am not surprised. But hey, I tried and frankly I'll fight them some more.

Friday afternoon we had a wine and cheese celebration where I was highlighted for my efforts. It's nice to be appreciated but it's so embarrassing to be put in the spotlight especially when I know that this project took a village (no pun intended). Then I realized that I did bust my tail to pull this project off and was diligent in selecting the right vendors, contractors and team to work with. I also did most of the planning phase in the states and that presented an even greater challenge. It was not easy at all but in the end, everything went well, so for that I say yes, give this chick a hand, because I gave it my all, did a great job and I deserve it. So I got over myself, stuffed my face with some good wine and fruit and enjoyed the moment.

When I got off work Friday evening, I had a fabulous facial and even went on a little date. <:)

Saturday I got some much need retail therapy, went back to my room and packed for my departure and now I'm back!! Did you miss me?