Monday, September 28, 2009
We've not spoken much lately
And it's been longer since I've seen your face
For my own good I had to set you free I had to let you go but I think of you daily
My heart hasn't thrown our love away
I remember you...your gentle ways, your patience with me,
never rushing me to love, you took your time, you learned me
Your fun loving essence, antonymous to my uptightness I recall your vibrancy each time I hear certain Musiq
I get lost in thoughts of you, as I sit and reminisce
I think of how You restored my faith and reminded me of the possibilities of love
I remember how loving you felt so effortless and everything I am was just enough
Have I ever told you thank you?
Even when I focused on the junk, my love for you was always true
Perhaps I forgot to tell you, if I did let me mention again
I love you my dear and today I remember my friend
Monday, September 14, 2009
This summer has been crazy! Well it's practically over now, but I'm taking a moment to reflect. Two aspects in particular stand out to me; death and birth.
Some deaths did not directly affect me but still took a moment to deal with (Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett among others)....
and then there was the death of a dear, dear friend of mine. Every time I think of him, picture his face, remember our last hug, I get sad and I need to take a moment to regroup. He was such a beautiful human being inside and out and though he knew and loved God and is in a better place, it hurts no less. Thinking of his new bride who is now a widow after a few short months of being married to her King seems no less tragic. I miss him, I'm still mourning him and things will just never be the same without J!
The thing I've realized though is that as much death that has befallen some loved ones, there have been children being born all around me. From close friends to old school pals, folks have been popping out some babies man! All this just makes me thank God that he always replenishes what is lost, figuratively and literally.
This summer I went to Puerto Rico with my girls and also had the opportunity to visit Brazil. Both beautiful places in their own right and both inspiring to me. I love traveling; I discover something new about myself whenever I go somewhere. I also discover something new about God. I always feel him ever so close and I know that he's trying to show me something, teach me something. I want to learn whatever it is.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I found out that my first love was shot and murdered on Friday morning. My ex (the second man I ever loved) was the deliverer of the awful news; how ironic and sad. The latent reaction I had came full force as I cried in the arms of the last man I ever loved. Tonight I found out more details and I lost all composure. I guess it's true that when you love someone you never really stop. When it's real, it's forever. It was rocky, it was painful at times but it was real. He wanted to marry me. But for good reason, I declined. Everyone that knew us then, has called to comfort me. They knew how I loved my Prince. They were there to witness it all. My girls remember the night rides we took to DC our senior year in high school, so I could see "what was really going on". He was my first love, my first heartbreak...the one that I thought I'd "die without". I didn't die, I am still here...I wish he was too. I wish people that he thought were his "friends" did not devalue his life so much. I wish his son still had a father and his mother still had a son.
I watched the fight with my friends tonight. It was a good distraction, but now I really don't want to be alone. I wish my love was here to hold me. I've tried everything. Maybe I'll take something to help me sleep. Me with my delayed reactions. I thought I was okay. I guess I rationalized that since we have not been together in so many years, my response would/should be light. Like why should I feel so hurt? "He was your first love P". "It's okay to cry". that's what ex number two said tonight. So I will cry myself to sleep.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I met this guy, really randomly and we instantly began a conversation. I was in one of my open & friendly moods (it does pay to smile) that day so I guess that was radiating off me and inviting all kinds of positive energy towards me. Anyway, during the conversation we started talking about what we do for a living. He's a labor lawyer, I'm a project manager. Our conversation quickly turned to developing countries (specifically countries in my beloved AFRICA) so naturally he peaked my interest. Anyway at the end of the convo, I guess we were too shy to force the issue by"booking" each other so we left it at alone; both armed with good clues to find each other if we so wished; name, organization, area worked....
I tossed the idea of looking him up around for a minute and then decided against it. I've decided I'm done working so hard to get a man's attention. After a week, I just wrote him off and left the thought of him as well as all my realities behind as I headed off to Cali. Got back and decided to clear my voice mails (I'm horrible at checking both personal and professional voice mails; (this is a terrible and trifling habit from which I need deliverance<:)) and would you know, he'd found me and left a voice mail the very next day, stating that he was going to Nepal for two weeks and would love to see me again upon his return...
Another "interesting" part of this whole scenario? He's of another persuasion. For some reason I'm tickled that a white man's interested in me. I'm mean, I'm not opposed and by no means do I see this as "better" or feel like it's something special, I've just never been pursued by a non-black man before, ever. I'm just amused. No offense to anyone. And the man is fine!<:)
This encouraged me (hell I'd even venture to say boosted my ego a little<:)) because I was just being me and made an impression on someone enough for them to do a little work to get to me. He really took a chance too. Because I could have gotten amnesia and cursed him out or filed a police report. I did not have to initiate anything, do any work, or exert too much effort and honestly that's refreshing and uplifting. I've been told that when true love comes, it'll feel something like that. Not saying this man is him but I know that the more I allow God to take control the more moments like this I'll have which will become my standard so when he does appear, I'll know what he feels like.
I love the Lord for this. Just the small little things he does to show His love for me. If you think about it, we NEVER have to work for God's love. It's easy and natural, we just fall back and receive it.
This is old but--Cali was great! I needed that rest and I'm glad I was reminded how much I adore San Francisco. There are so many artsy and eclectic places and things to explore. It. Was. Great! The end...
I got promoted at work (last week actually) which=double my work load and demands even more of my focus. I literally get to log into my "personal" accounts and things once per day, if I'm lucky and that's during my "lunch break" via my cell phone.
I've just been relaxing, studying the WORD, getting refreshed spiritually and remaining focused.
It's also the home stretch for spring semester so that means that my evenings/nights are not mine. I'll be in school this summer but I'm so looking forward to a less rigid schedule.
Other than, I'm just chilling and spending time with those who want to spent time with me and that's in every aspect of my relationships.<:) From time to time I find myself slipping into "feeling some kinda way" mode and I just quickly reel it back in. I have the power within me to control my emotions and I'm exercising it. I think the most important lessons I've learned recently is not to be so hard on myself. So I'm practicing that.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
This is what paralyzes me, keeps me from calling or returning phone calls. I'm on the cusp of melancholy and peace...getting closer to peace each day. I want to be for once, totally emotionally detached. Not loving someone, not missing anyone. Not wishing he was still here. I just want to be free. I've never been free. I spent three years with the first, 8 years with the next. Almost two years trying to have the last. I want to be free. I feel like love has always been that thing that eludes me. The one area where I don't have it together, my dirty little secret. She's a diva but don't nobody want her. She's all that but he won't committ to her. She's so smart, why did he cheat on her?
I have some questions. Is there ever a place in love where you feel like that business is finished, we both gave our best, we moved on and there are no casualties? I don't know. I don't know of any situations like that. Do you? There's always someone left feeling like there was more to be shared, there's more that could have been done. When does love leave you totally satisfied? Never it seems. At least not in my experience. It's always bittersweet. I just want the sweet, for once, forever. I know hurt is a part of life, but I don't want to hurt anymore. Maybe I just need to rebuild myself, my esteem, my faith in love. I want to Be okay again...then think about this love thing again. But right now, it's just not for me. I just want to be free. Like it or not, this is my truth.
Friday, April 3, 2009
This has been a fast and crazy week. But in a good way. Lot's going on professionally and personally and I'm loving it all.
Teedra Moses capped my week off nicely with her lively and engaging performance. I rolled solo but had a great time. My little cousin and some of her friends from Howard were there. I had a great view and Teedra did not disappoint. I had no idea she was so tiny. She is so beautiful and energetic. She seems like she could be one of my girlfriends.
Is it me or do men become more IGNANT with their "compliments" (read: rude comments) when they're in pairs? It's amazing how a "you look nice this evening" can quickly turn into a "GOT DAMN you FINE, LOOK AT THEM LIPS, I'll SUCK on that bottom lip!, DAYUM" when a fool and his partner in foolishness unite. Note to men: such behavior will Never and I mean never ever land you the girl. It's actually scary and offensive, especially when the woman is alone on a dark street.
I realized that I'm not ready to "date". I keep thinking and even saying I'll call this one or that one but I never do. Basically when it comes to dating multiple people, I'm lazy. Just give me someone that I'm into and I have no problem putting in work and effort, but the thought of calling and entertaining random dudes just makes me sleepy.
People keep saying that I'm glowing and I look happy. I even got one "you look like you're in love"...interesting. Maybe it's just that new Ambi Even and Clear moisturizer? (Shrugs).
My Doctor told me that I have high blood pressure. Sigh. My pressure has actually been on the higher end for a while so she's been monitoring it. Obviously she can't tell me to "stop smoking, loose weight, eat right, or start exercising" as I don't have issues with any of those things. I do have a hot temper (I let things stress me easily) so I can work on that, and I will. There is history of high blood pressure in my family (found that out recently) and Doc thinks that eventually I'll be on medication for it. The devil is a LIAR!! I can't stand the idea of being "on" anything for the rest of my life. I'll be researching natural ways to combat high pressure this weekend....and praying.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Where does a busy knowledge worker in a metropolitan, who's not into the club or "singles" scene meet other single, available people of SUBSTANCE? AT WORK, DuH!! I realized the other day that I've met all my "men" at work. Dates back to my first job at the tender age of 15. I met my first boyfriend while I was working...at the mall. He came in bruised and broken from a motorcycle accident. He was the finest boy that my 15 year old eyes had ever seen. I was helping him pick out some shorts and noticed that his shoe was untied. Seeing that he was unable to do so himself, I knelt down and tied it for him. No big deal to me. Moved a mountain for him. He was 2 years older but already very street so getting treated nicely by random girls was something new to him. Go figure. He wifed me up in two seconds flat and broke my heart 3 years later. My next boy (my ex) and I met through friends that I knew from work. The actual exchange of info did not happen until he ran me (and my too short dress) down while I was taking my lunch break from my manager post at Betsey Johnson. We were together for almost a decade. He said he was attracted to my independence from the start. Alejandro and I also met at work. This time a quick exchange of smiles and a wave lead to a procurement of his business card and the rest is black history. I'm convinced that I will meet my husband/the father of my children (hence the title of this post) at work, randomly. I've not ruled out other options but that's my stance right now. Here are my reasons:
- I don't go out (clubs, bars, etc) like that.
- I am mean and I don't take kindly to totally random "bookings”, but for whatever reason, I’m more “open” while I’m at work. Not sure why, but it’s true. Also meeting people on the party circuit takes too much effort. I have to get dolled up, pay money to get in, etc. Meeting someone at work is free and easy because I’m already going to look nice and walking from my car to my office is free. As a matter of fact I’m getting paid when I get there.
- When I meet a man at work, there's some equal footing, especially if he's also "working" when we meet. We both have jobs; we both have some purpose in life.
- I can glean his fashion sense. Yes, this is important, especially for the initial attraction. He’s probably checking out my a$$ or my shoes and I’m peeping his shirt & tie coordination. And definitely his shoes!
- Typically our mode of communication will be via email, so I can evaluate his email/written communication game (must be viscous for me to be hooked).
- I will possibly see some interaction between him and his colleagues. I've been told that this is the best way to evaluate a man...through his interaction with others. You can date a man for months and never meet his “friends” but if you work near a person, at some point you will see him interact with others.
- The first date is usually substantive. We'll probably go to lunch or dinner after work, where we'll talk about work, we'll learn about what we do, maybe even get a sense of each other's passion in life. We'll probably learn something about the other's educational background, where they're from, etc. It's not the usual "I'm just trying to hit" first date banter. I think this date will have both wanting to know more about the other.
- When you meet a man at work, you've already put your best foot forward. You look nice, he gets to see that you're independent (hopefully), he might be impressed by your fancy title (just kidding), and you're not just another random hot chick in the club. You already stand out. You're more than a pretty face/nice body. That's just my opinion.
I'll be honest, whenever I do take a random number or give mine out, I usually never call, and I don't answer if he calls, because my interest has weaned by that point. After the initial "oh he's fine" I'm over it and thinking about the handsome, well draped, educated, witty engineer or labor attorney that I had that great lunch with who I'm trying to get to know better. I'm just saying!! Men at work, they rock!!
Now this list is not comprehensive and under no circumstances would I date a man that I actually work with. That would be kind of hard where I work anyway. I must also mention that if you actually end up dating this person it may be difficult to deal with the possibility of running into him once the relationship has ended, especially if he begins dating someone else at work (shudders at the thought). But what situation in life is perfect?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY? "Put Your Hands on Me" Joss Stone (hey hugs make everything better right?)
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? "She Will Be Loved” Maroon 5
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Lucifer” Jay-Z (I have been known to like a bad boy, but Lucifer?)
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? "Circus" Britney Spears (Hey I don't make this stuff up)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "Waiting for Tonight" Jennifer Lopez...(okay, what's happening tonight?)
WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO? "Show Stopper" Danity Kane (Yes I am!)
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "Gives You Hell" The All American Rejects (Hilarious!!) Do I?
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "In Love with a Girl" Gavin DeGraw (hmmm)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Ignat S**t” Drake/Lil Wayne (LOL!!!)
WHAT IS 2 + 2? "All Night Long" Robin Thicke/Lil Wayne (Huh?)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? "Closer" Neyo (Cute)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "O.O.C" Mariah Carey (That's exactly how I feel sometimes)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "All Dressed Up in Love" Jennifer Hudson (that's a nice thought)
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Don’t Let Go” Sarah Mclachlan/Bryan Adams (WOW!! STFU!) I wonder if he's ever heard this song? It's beautiful and I always think of him when I hear it. WoW!!
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Points of Authority/99 Problems/One Step Closer" Linkin Park/Jay-Z (Hey, sound like marriage to me)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "Sports Sex & Food” Tweet (LOL!) me in a nutshell....
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "A Milli" Lil Wayne (You got that right!!)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? "Bittersweet" Kanye/John Mayer (my exact sentiments on death)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Video Phone" Beyonce (Oh my!! shhh, don't tell anyone)
WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW? "Rescue Me" Teedra Moses
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Grown Woman" Mary J. Blige/Ludacris (True)
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "Radio" Music Soulchild
I plug in my IPOD and that Drake's "Successful" starts flowing-suddenly I'm cool again. <:) Gotta love the bridge gapping powers of music!
Monday, March 30, 2009
The start of last week was crazy, emotionally, work, personal, a mess! But I made it through. The end of the week was wonderful. I had another incident with the car, but walked away from it only $132.00 out of pocket with a sleek black Nissan Altima rental with a fancy touch ignition starter for a week. That curbed (for now) my appetite for new car. I'm getting my Acura back this week, in better shape and probably looking brand new. Aint I blessed as I can be.....
I'm loving my new smart phone and even more LOVE not having to carry two phones around (I never used to answer my personal phone anyway). This is much better and makes so much more sense. Who am I P-Diddy?
I told my friend the other day that I don't feel like I'm doing anything great right now. He checked my mess at the door! My argument was that I bought a house, started my career path, bought a "nice car" and established myself all before 23 and now I'm like what's next? I think this is why I'm so unimpressed with a lot of stuff now. I think subconsciously I was preparing to be married and having children by now, you know, the next phase in my life. What a joke...I mean I even purposed to NOT bring (bad ) debt into my marriage and I made that happen! So where's my husband so I can upgrade him? LOL! But I'm doing my school thing and progressing, so that's doing a lot. I really need to put in more work with my non-proft. Registered it and all.
I can't wait for the Teedra Moses concert on Thursday!! I am in my party/fun mood again. I'm such a sun child.
I've been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends lately and I'm a better woman/friend for it. That's the cure for loneliness right there, great girlfriends and I have some good ones!
I keep hearing my boys say that there aren't many good men out here! WHAT!!??? Where are these chickens, gold diggers and low down women? Color me naive because I don't know of any and I never want to!
I am less than two weeks from Cali-forn-ia!! I can already feel the sand between my toes on the sun beaming down on my chocolate skin!! Yummy...
My (mostly) raw diet has really made my nails grow long and STRONG. That's putting a dent in that "need milk for calcium" theory. Did I mention I love hot yoga? I'm getting kind of tired of the "you're like a white girl" crap, but whatever, Ima do me! I love being me....
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
In my humble opinion, men have become lazy from so many women offering their number, details, (a$$ on a platter) without provocation, and I can't stand to put myself out there like that. Here I am smiling, begin polite, modeling my best "non angry, approachable black woman stance, yet that's not enough anymore? To me baselining begins with the first encounter, especially for a woman. If I’m too forward, will he think I’m only interested in sex? Will he think I’m pressed?
I think that if I show more interest from the gate, that'll be the expectation that I set for the future. If I get his number, I’ll need to call him first, maybe even invite him out first? At what point would I be able to pass him the ball and fall back? It just doesn’t feel natural!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Did I mention that I hate my upstairs neighbor? He does s***t like walk right past the mail [at the entrance that he has to pass] and not pick it up. When most of it is for him, the rest for the owner of the house. None for me.
I am looking forward to a great and productive work week. I have so much to do.
I am not very motivated right now, outside of work.
I'm not a big club goer...party animal or chic in the know. I got people's for that and I just roll with them whenever the spirit or occasion moves me. But every once in a while I happen upon a venue that impresses me...well at least enough to desire an encore. The Park in DC is one of those places.
So my girls and I have a standing tradition that we celebrate every one's birthday together each year. All together that's 5 birthdays. So at a minimum we see each other 5 times a year. Not so bad considering that 3 are married with 2+ children a piece and the other has a man that consumes most of her free time. We get to see each other every month from December-March. After my birthday [June], husbands and BF's start pitching fits about folks "being out in the streets all the time" so we get to cool down until December then we can let the good time roll again! Men are so darn needy.
Back to the Park:
Nice man candy-check twice
Diverse crowd-check (as I get older I appreciate and expect this in a place in order to really impress me) I actually saw two of my [non black] colleagues in the place.
Good (again diverse) music-check (again very important as my personal collection features everything from Kanye West, Soldier Boy, to Soul Patrol, and The Fray...I need it all)
We had a cool time. I even felt that my outfit was appropriate and not wasted for once.
The only thing I hated (well 4 things I hated) were:
The intsy bitsy a$$ bathrooms..wtFrench? Maybe they ran out of money during construction.
The drive from Bmore to DC (gotta factor an hour at best, both ways), which really sucks! Why don't I ever remember to pack a bag and just crash with one of these chicks? Usually, I still get myself to church the next morning. Yeah I know...
The men who were fine as hay, kept looking, even started some conversation(s) but FAILED to close the deal! (More on that later)
The fact that we allowed one of my girls to drag us out of this beautiful Eden to a whack arse late 90's style cabaret foolery that one of her friends was throwing. Dropping all kinds of money on parking and cover for a party that we only stayed at for 20 minutes (only to not be completely rude to her friend that we all know as well) and half of that time was spent outside awaiting our cars from valet. Sigh...I was comforted by the fact that the proceeds when towards a good cause.
Other than that, it was a delightful time at The Park and it deserves an encore! Hanging with my favorite gals is also a pleasure no matter where we are.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
There is a part of me that is still waiting on that moment, when you'll chase me down and say "let's take a chance together" it hurts that you won't, maybe it's just my pride, my bruised ego, just plain unrequited love? I'm not even going to sit and wish for a "maybe someday" because that's not living in the moment. That's holding on to something too intangible for a even a dreamer like myself. For now, here are my truths:
I am in love with you.
I miss you, me "us".
I miss our fun, interaction and chemistry.
I know that you love me. You are just not able/willing to love me the way I desire, require and deserve.
I don't miss feeling the pain I felt as soon as I would leave your side.
At times the pain would be present while we were together.
I've been told that love is not supposed to hurt so I need something better.
I made some choices so I take responsibility for them, and my subsequent actions.
I desire to be with you.
I think about you everyday.
Each day gets easier and it's okay to allow myself to get over you.
It does not mean that my love is not genuine.
You've touched the woman that I am today, the one that's evolved to the place I stand now. See I never got why this [love for you] hit me so hard, fast and refuses to go away, now I do.
I have learned a lot from you and about me through all of this.
I will never make this same mistake again.
I will really try and work hard not to.
I am strong.
I will be okay without indulging in my desire for you.
I will not let fear or loneliness make me weak.
I am not able to be your "friend" right now.
I will not apologize or feel petty for that.
That's just me being real honest.
I will never be mean/rude to you if I happen to see you though.
That is not my style and our relationship does not warrant that.
I will most likely smile at you, possibly even hug you.
I will be genuinely happy to see you. Because most of the time when I run into, I'm half hoping that I do.
I still picture us [together] in Accra, Kumasi, Maputo, Dar es Salaam, the Serengeti...the places we talked about.
I still plan to vist all these places. I must go on, and I will.
Today I feel like I was tested again. The hopeless romantic in me was screaming "it must be fate, we belong together after all". The real truth is probably more of that..a probability that I would and will continue to see you randomly. The gift and a curse?
I got angry and irritate that you seemed indifferent towards me, like you're already so over me and not missing me [you always have that smirk on your face like you're laughing at me] and I was unable to tell you softly how I felt, so I did what I do best, start some ish...that's the part I am sorry for. You don't deserve that.
I wish you well.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I am in love with 808's & Heartbreak. My boy did a commentary about it when it first came out (yes I know I'm late) and he forewarned that one might only be able to appreciate it if you're "going through something". To me that sounded like it would depress me if I wasn't "going through something" so I refused to listen to it. Now I see why. The lyrics fuel my melancholy. Gives me a refuge for my feelings. Yes I have some feelings and I'm not afraid to say. I can listen to Kanye's pain and quietly sulk alone without feeling the need to act like I'm so over it. It's the soundtrack to my dark place.
I should have known that the first week was too good to be true. I was feeling all strong and powerful. Ha Ha!! It's like my mind played a cruel trick on my heart. That's me though. Always with a delayed reaction to things.
Why is it so wrong to just give in to being sad? Why is everything so black and white? Why do I feel afraid to admit that I am not alright? When will I be alright?
I wonder how many people walk around pretending to be alright when they are not? I can't fake it. I am in love and I am missing someone!
I'm being the kind of chic that others (even me) would call stupid and guess what? For the first time in my life, I really don't care. I don't feel motivated to move on when I'm not yet ready. I want to curse, I want to scream, I want to go off!! But I don't...I'm too busy being nice, strong, level headed, trying to be wise, me. TC once said "a wise woman, is a happy woman". I really want to beleive that. How long do I have to be wise before the happy kicks in TC?
Anyway. I love "Welcome to Heartbreak". Wow, those are powerful lyrics. Kanye really served me with these lyrics. I have done all the material things in life. I have the career, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, no bills, I can travel, and I have money saved in the bank. But what does that all mean? I am not impressed anymore. As a matter of fact I am not moved at all. What would make me happy is to hold someone, cradle a little baby in my arms, run barefoot in a field of grass, then fall over with laughter. Have a picnic at the top of a mountain. Visit a remote village in a far off land with my lover in tow.
I have new found respect for Kanye. My girl was in the car with me the other day when Love Lockdown was playing, I just zoned out. Almost forgot she was there. God bless her, she just let me have that moment. But didn't hesitate to call me weird once I snapped out of my trance. Oh well....
The other night I spent the night with one of my girls. I love her gentle spirit. She never pries and does not try to force a good time on me, when I'm clearly not there. This is why I love her. All she said was, "I think you are mourning the demise of the relationship. You never mourn. You just tuck your chin and move on. Maybe you should mourn and don't feel like you're weak because you do. You never mourned Ringo, at least not from what I could see". I only half listened then and am still letting that sink in. I mean I've already put up this I don't give a f front. How can I regress now? It was nice to be away from home though. For some reason I am happiest when I am away from home. How sad?
I still hate my upstairs neighbor. He does not allow me to have peace. He is loud and walks really hard. All I want is some peace and quiet. Why is that so elusive?
I am changing, wow! I can see the changes in me. Some are good some are, not so good. I don't care as much about things that I should care about. I'm not really feeling school. DID I JUST SAY THAT!!!?? OMG...but it's true. Will I finish? Of course because that's the right thing to do. But my heart's not there. I wonder if it ever was. Before I was fueled by competition. I had to be the first, the best, I wanted to impress everyone, needed straight A's, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't care. It's a freedom in not caring. Caring comes with responsibility. LOL! There is one place and one person that gave me a pass to not care. He understood me. Now I see what that means and how bad it sounds to say out loud. I am tried of competing with myself and I don't believe in competing with others. When we strip away all the BS (money, accolades, credentials, looking like you are somebody) why do we really do the things we do? This is why I respect the starving artist or the musicians that stay true to their craft even when their genre or style is not the money maker. It takes a lot. There are so many people high on life, getting what they want, feeling accomplished, settling in comfortably around me. I am happy for them. When I look back that's always been my motivation, that others around me are happy. I've always done what I do for others. I'm just not sure I care about the physical manifestation of happy anymore. I don't want to owe anyone anything and I want perfect health. For no obvious reason, I suddenly have not had a menstrual cycle in going on 3 months. So now my perfect health is in jeopardy?
I only desire to be intrinsically happy, be debt free and have perfect health. How that translates outwardly, I don't care. I can't believe that I just admitted that I don't care. (((Shrugs)))
Maybe I need to seek professional help. Talk to someone about my feelings. I never thought I'd feel like this, so blazay. I am not supposed to feel like this. I'm a Christian. I have Jesus in my heart. I am not joking. I must be doing something wrong.
I keep on going though. I went to church Sunday and just sat there in a daze, in a fog. I did not get into it. I did not get excited and I only clapped genuinely when that young girl gave her life to the Lord. That made my heart smile. Otherwise I felt like I was letting God down because I would not press pass my blah to worship him fully. I hope he can forgive me. At least I went, and I looked pretty and smiled a lot as usual. I prayed silently. He knows how to fix me and I believe He will, if He thinks I need to be fixed.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Today I'm being threatened by a sudden cloud burst, I'm about to get soaked if I'm not careful. I need to run for cover. That little voice is whispering in my ear, "there's a chance that things could change". That vision of him coming around and saying, "I've had an epiphany a revelation even, and you're my love, you're my everything"...[that smile, that face...ahhh] is fresh and sudden like Monday morning's snow storm in my head...I wish he would come and fix this, make it all better, make me feel nice. BUT Alas, he won't. I wish I could be more like some other women I know, like TC or Bunz..when it comes to this love thing. I'm not strong. At least I don't feel strong. I talk a lot of $hhhh, but can I back it up? I feel the weakness creeping in. God help your daughter.
I WILL FOCUS on something else. I'm only writing this because sometimes you've got to help yourself by putting things in black and white, put them in perspective. I admit. I am struggling today. I struggled yesterday. I felt it coming on Monday. But If I'd made these hard choices sooner, I would not be here today. They're here and they are raw but I am the sum of my choices and NOT my emotions.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
One of my guilty pleasures (guilty in that I watch them when I should be sleeping or doing something more constructive) is watching certain fashion focused reality shows. I was enamored with the Hills and have been getting into The City. I think that i watch the City more for the fine vanilla man candy that appears on the show each week. Yummy!! So in that vein, I decided to catch the BET premiere of Harlem Heights, aside from the caramel and chocolate (male) eye candy found on that...hated it. It's obvious that most reality programming is becoming more and more scripted, but Harlen Heights takes the cake. The bourgeoisie attitude of many of some of the cast members is also blatantly scripted and oh so lame. One woman actually lamented that she "did not look like the average black girl growing up", she had "long hair down her back" blah, blah blah. I guess I'm getting too old for this kind of fakeness. I think the show would be more interesting with more "average" black girls on there and not these Harlem implants. I've been to Harlem and I know folks from/in Harlem, and none possess this attitude. I want to support this show, but man! Some of the guys seemed cool/down to earth though, which makes me wonder if the women are being portrayed this catty and cosmetic on purpose-a theory that further annoys me and makes me not want to support this show. Ugh!!!
Girl, Control your Man
I took an early (6am) Pilate's class this morning. At 7, I went to take a quick shower and prepare for work. There are two ladies who are usually in the ladies shower area at this time everyday. They were there today. Usually I'm coming in at 7 to work out. So I guess my presence in the shower room went unnoticed. As I'm peeling out of my work out gear, I suddenly hear a man's voice, wrongfully close to the women's shower room, "baby come tell me how these shoes look with this" I'm thinking wtfrench and hurry to find my towel to wrap around myself as the man's voice gets closer and closer to the ladies locker woman, "baby, look at this". My mind is racing, "OhMyJesus, is he coming back here?" "I KNOW he aint crazy enough to come back here in the women's shower area"!!!! And before I can reason with myself any further OR wrap my towel around my naked body , there he is, in the women's locker area, looking at me in the buff. I was caught like a deer in the headlights and his 'lady' runs around to shoo him away. I'm speechless. "He's used to just the two of us being back here", his lady offers as an explanation. I'm thinking "the two of who"? "You and your girlfriend"? "So it's okay for your man to see your girlfriend's naked a$$"? Nope, sorry, not good enough. This is a public gym and he has no business beyond the threshold of this locker room, even if it were just you back here. Needless to say I was so traumatized that I showered, then lotion AND dressed in the sauna, the only place I felt safe. I want to report this incident, for the purpose of calling attention to the lax tone that the gym has taken lately. Clearly if the front desk attendant was on point, this little incident could have been prevented. All I could say to the woman, after my initial shock was "Oh wow, that's so unacceptable".
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A look your smile can't disguise
The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away
He make me feel at ease. And I don't have to fight for it.
He adds to my peace, doesn't extract from it with his actions or omissions.
He does not require variety, he find what he needs in me.
There's no competition, no clamoring for attention on my part because I'm the best thing he sees.
He's sensitive yet strong, honest without being obnoxious. He's God fearing, he's well draped in his own style. He fits comfortably in his own skin. He's perfect for me and I for him.
The feel of love is in his arms, the taste of love is in his kiss, the smell of love is in his aura. The look of love is you.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
This past weekend I was oh so content simply staying in my apartment, reading, doing my school work, minding my business. He calls around 1:00 in the afternoon to ask if I'd like go out later. I was a bit reluctant at first but said what the hay...let me get out of these sweats and live a little. The agreement was that he'd pick me up around 7 and we'd go have dinner at a place of my choosing. I doll up. He never calls, answers my calls OR SHOWS. I call it a wash at 8:00 but still head out, dolo to my favorite spot for a bite. Why waste a cute outfit and a well beaten face right?
Fast forward to today. He's now become a part of black history, especially since he refused to answer my subsequent Sunday calls. Clearly I was seeking some sort of explanation and also a tad concerned. By Monday I'm over it, like contact details deleted from my phone book over it. Too harsh? LOL! Anyway, he calls, I miss it as I'm out for a late evening jog. I return to his plea copping on my voicemail (with no clear explanation, just an "I"m sorry, hit me back") and I decide to put the poor lad out of his misery...The conversation did not go as expected.
Him: "Hey lady, my bad for the other night...(after a slight hesitation) something came up".
Me: "Oh okay (in my head I'm negotiating whether to probe further. I decide to go for the gusto) so...do elaborate, what came up"?
Me: "What came up that caused you to stand me up"?
Him: "I don't care to get into all that" I was just tied up"
Me: Thinking (WTF?? oh I know what "tied up" means)
Me: "So you stood me up, and never called me until 4 days later and to you "something came up" is a good enough explanation"? "I really don't agree".
Him: "Well it's not like you're my girl..so I don't owe you an explanation".
Me: DONE!! I close the conversation by saying that it's unfortunate that he feels that way and I had to go because something came up.
He's a lucky man. He caught me on a good week and on the heels of a run. I'm in a good mood so I went easy on him but oh he should NEVER call my phone again and I think he's smart enough to know that. I would love to know if I was wrong or somehow out of bounds? I know I'm not the most seasoned dater but c'mon! Since when do I have to be someones girlfriend to be afforded some common courtesy? I didn't gather from his tone that someone died or there was some horrible accident that occurred to him or a loved one. So I really have no choice but to assume that he got a call from a sure shot and chose to go beat that instead of conversing with me over dinner AND have to pay! LOL. I love men, they make me laugh.
This exchange made me realize that I've been spoiled recently. So when I was younger (like 18) my ex pulled that "no call, no show" mess at the start of our relationship. Years later I asked why he would do that, why not call and say "gotta cancel". His response was that he knew he'd get his tail handed to him and he didn't want to hear it. But hopefully by the time we'd speak again I'd be over it. Dumb strategy then, even dumber now. Back then I actually thought that was just something boys did cause my first love at 16 also did that.
I recently went out to the theatre with a friend. We went over our plans on Thursday for the date on Sunday. I never spoke to him again between Thursday and Sunday. On Sunday afternoon, he showed up at my home as discussed, and even waited on me to finish getting ready. It NEVER dawned on my that I needed to reconfirm our plans. I mean we're adults and he's never gone against his word to me. I'm so not planning to go backwards. It's just not my thing to be blowing up someones phone, making sure we're still on. Who the heck has time for that? The odd thing is that this was not a first "date"--we had cool convo over a tea recently and I thought he had his mind right. Oh well, "I guess he's just not that into me". Whatever! LOL<:)!
Monday, February 23, 2009
-1 Corinthians 6:12
I need PEACE, something I can hold on to..my spirit feels despondent and listless.
I'm searching for security, that's not found in monetary cushions or in the arms of a lover. No earthly comfort can bring it.
I need more of you Lord and I'm finally beginning to understand this.
I am not ashamed to say I need you Father. I have fallen at times and my walk is not always straight, but I am trying and I'm on my way.
I am stumbling towards an ecstasy..that only you can give me.
That about sums it up for me, where I am in this life journey. Believers and non alike can probably relate, that some things in life just aren't conducive to our edification. We live a lives of excess, and for me, this leads to complication, unnecessary complication. I'm about to simplify mine; less is more, less "stuff" equals more time for what's important, what's sacred.
To me that's the true example of Jesus Christ. He was simple, he was humble, he took care of what he had and his is the example I choose to follow. See there? No Hell, fire and brim stones, no Bible brow beating, no condemnation, just simply following the example of the most well known man that ever graced this earth. He was hated by some but loved by many. He kept little but gave a lot, he gave of himself. He spent his life doing the important work.
Lesson 1: God is Love, pure and simple.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Okay that title is a tad dramatic but, in case you missed it, I was recently in South Africa again for the third glorious time, sigh...gosh how I love that place. Maybe it's the warmth of the sun against my flesh or just being in another element that stirs my soul to life. I can really feel the difference in me when I am on the continent. I'm happy and open, much more so than I am here in the states. There's no baggage and the world is my playground...
This time I went on a pretty remarkable date<:) Even more remarkable when you consider the last date I've been on here in the states, lol! I never spoke of him in my blog before, as a matter of fact I barely spoke of him at all because there wasn't anything to say other than; we met on a flight from Capetown to Johannesburg during my last trip to SA, we shared an engaging conversation that left both of us wanting to know more, so we exchanged cards. He waited with me in Johannesburg for my connection flight to America and he carried on with his business. We stayed in touch via email and I never even planned to see him when I went back. But something said "call him" once I touched down in SA and I did! Usually I would fight such an urge and rationalize it away. "What's the point in starting something with a man that lives on another continent"? "Here you go pursuing another unavailable man, this time geographically" LOL! Okay so my thought process is pretty vivid.
So I called him...he was delighted to hear from me and invited me to dinner. He drove an hour to come and collect me for dinner. I dressed up, so did he. He was the perfect gentleman and I felt like a princess the entire night. He pulled out all the stops and we shared the most amazing conversation that I've had in a while.
I sent a little note with a photo to my girls and the responses were priceless. One was shocked that I went on a date with "some random man in Africa" and had the nerve to take a photo with him in which we appeared together as some happy glowing, in love couple. Surely this is no love story in the making (the enormous body of water between us makes that clear) but I did enjoy myself and I still smile quietly whenever I recall the firm yet tender placement of his hand against the small of my back, the way he kissed my cheek like he's known me for years, (sidebar: I can't believe I even allowed him to touch me or kiss me on the cheek!) how perfect and breezy that African night was, the quaint little garden where we dined...his desire to have a traditional African family, the fact that I'm still thinking about him...
It was a good night while it lasted.
I, like so many other Americans are totally enamored with this man and would love and fully embrace an opportunity to speak to him, not just be near him, yet in my dream I can't be bothered by him at all, lol! The only thing that I can remotely come up with as a subconscious source of this dream is the fact that I completely loathe the idea of deifying a human being and I think that some of the adoration for President Obama has crossed over to this realm...me no like that. But I likes me some him and not at all in some physical attraction sort of way, although he's easy on the eyes. I think he's smart, thoughtful, engaging, worthy and all those fuzzy adjectives. Maybe I sub consciously lust for President Obama? Lawd help me, but after 3 nights of the same dream I need answers, stat!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I have a date this week too....Why I gotta come all the way to South Africa to get one of those?, but the mens be loving all this chocolate here in the motherland..all color mens by the way and I aint mad about it. <:)
Monday, January 19, 2009
Travelers who put their homesickness behind them, who explore a place thoroughly, may find upon returning home that they experience a new kind of homesickness, a benign kind, that which comes only to those who travel with a curious blend of aplomb and naivete, that special thing that only small children seem to possess and navigate through so well. They experience homesickness for a place once visited, even if only briefly -- the sense that only at the top of Table Mountain, in the villages of Togo, laying on the beaches of Ghana, exploring the markets of Marrakesh or in the coffee shops of Amsterdam (LOL), did some deep and very real part of their soul feel completely and exhilaratingly at home.
And if by chance they're so fortune to travel to these places again, even for a short time, come to find that this is the place they've been longing to be. They take care to cherish and savor every moment, for rarely in life do we experience this kind exhilaration more than once.