Monday, April 20, 2009

He Found Me

This is a cute little (true) story that happened to me. It really encouraged me on the "love" front.

I met this guy, really randomly and we instantly began a conversation. I was in one of my open & friendly moods (it does pay to smile) that day so I guess that was radiating off me and inviting all kinds of positive energy towards me. Anyway, during the conversation we started talking about what we do for a living. He's a labor lawyer, I'm a project manager. Our conversation quickly turned to developing countries (specifically countries in my beloved AFRICA) so naturally he peaked my interest. Anyway at the end of the convo, I guess we were too shy to force the issue by"booking" each other so we left it at alone; both armed with good clues to find each other if we so wished; name, organization, area worked....

I tossed the idea of looking him up around for a minute and then decided against it. I've decided I'm done working so hard to get a man's attention. After a week, I just wrote him off and left the thought of him as well as all my realities behind as I headed off to Cali. Got back and decided to clear my voice mails (I'm horrible at checking both personal and professional voice mails; (this is a terrible and trifling habit from which I need deliverance<:)) and would you know, he'd found me and left a voice mail the very next day, stating that he was going to Nepal for two weeks and would love to see me again upon his return...

Another "interesting" part of this whole scenario? He's of another persuasion. For some reason I'm tickled that a white man's interested in me. I'm mean, I'm not opposed and by no means do I see this as "better" or feel like it's something special, I've just never been pursued by a non-black man before, ever. I'm just amused. No offense to anyone. And the man is fine!<:)

This encouraged me (hell I'd even venture to say boosted my ego a little<:)) because I was just being me and made an impression on someone enough for them to do a little work to get to me. He really took a chance too. Because I could have gotten amnesia and cursed him out or filed a police report. I did not have to initiate anything, do any work, or exert too much effort and honestly that's refreshing and uplifting. I've been told that when true love comes, it'll feel something like that. Not saying this man is him but I know that the more I allow God to take control the more moments like this I'll have which will become my standard so when he does appear, I'll know what he feels like.

I love the Lord for this. Just the small little things he does to show His love for me. If you think about it, we NEVER have to work for God's love. It's easy and natural, we just fall back and receive it.

Girrrllll, where you been?

I've been M.I.A from my blog for a minute but that's only because life is taking some random pleasant twists and turns and the kid has had to focus my energy that way...But for updates sakes, here goes:

This is old but--Cali was great! I needed that rest and I'm glad I was reminded how much I adore San Francisco. There are so many artsy and eclectic places and things to explore. It. Was. Great! The end...

I got promoted at work (last week actually) which=double my work load and demands even more of my focus. I literally get to log into my "personal" accounts and things once per day, if I'm lucky and that's during my "lunch break" via my cell phone.

I've just been relaxing, studying the WORD, getting refreshed spiritually and remaining focused.

It's also the home stretch for spring semester so that means that my evenings/nights are not mine. I'll be in school this summer but I'm so looking forward to a less rigid schedule.

Other than, I'm just chilling and spending time with those who want to spent time with me and that's in every aspect of my relationships.<:) From time to time I find myself slipping into "feeling some kinda way" mode and I just quickly reel it back in. I have the power within me to control my emotions and I'm exercising it. I think the most important lessons I've learned recently is not to be so hard on myself. So I'm practicing that.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Lamentations on Love - I Just Wanna Be Free

At her show while performing "Take Me", Teedra Moses said "I want to fall in love again yall". "It's been 8 years, damn". LOL! I thought to myself why? Why Teedra? "Why do you want to fall in love, to have someone bring temporary happiness just to snatch it away? Why, why, why? Cynical view, I know but really what does love do, but disappoint? Yes there are the moments and periods of happiness and even in those times I'll be wondering when is the crap going to hit the fan? When is he going to come to me and say he doesn't want this anymore? He doesn't want to be with me, I'm an amazing woman but he's just not there right now. He's sorry he cheated? I just don't know yall!! There's no such thing as enjoying the moment, only to regret it later. Where would I be right now if I'd said "no" to some moments? Would I be better off for "using my head" or left wondering and living with the regret of missed opportunitues? I can't win. It's not like this with ANYTHING else! If I enjoy the moment with my girlfriends I never regret it later. I just want this to make sense to me. I don't do well with things that don't make sense. I'm scared right now. Not scared but weery...I'm skeptical. It will take a lot to make me give in again. I know that for sure. God himself will need to whisper audibly and clearly to me. I can't be knocked down again. I just can't. I'm guarding my God in his Word instructs me to.

This is what paralyzes me, keeps me from calling or returning phone calls. I'm on the cusp of melancholy and peace...getting closer to peace each day. I want to be for once, totally emotionally detached. Not loving someone, not missing anyone. Not wishing he was still here. I just want to be free. I've never been free. I spent three years with the first, 8 years with the next. Almost two years trying to have the last. I want to be free. I feel like love has always been that thing that eludes me. The one area where I don't have it together, my dirty little secret. She's a diva but don't nobody want her. She's all that but he won't committ to her. She's so smart, why did he cheat on her?

I have some questions. Is there ever a place in love where you feel like that business is finished, we both gave our best, we moved on and there are no casualties? I don't know. I don't know of any situations like that. Do you? There's always someone left feeling like there was more to be shared, there's more that could have been done. When does love leave you totally satisfied? Never it seems. At least not in my experience. It's always bittersweet. I just want the sweet, for once, forever. I know hurt is a part of life, but I don't want to hurt anymore. Maybe I just need to rebuild myself, my esteem, my faith in love. I want to Be okay again...then think about this love thing again. But right now, it's just not for me. I just want to be free. Like it or not, this is my truth.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Weekly Wrap Up the best word for it.

This has been a fast and crazy week. But in a good way. Lot's going on professionally and personally and I'm loving it all.

Teedra Moses capped my week off nicely with her lively and engaging performance. I rolled solo but had a great time. My little cousin and some of her friends from Howard were there. I had a great view and Teedra did not disappoint. I had no idea she was so tiny. She is so beautiful and energetic. She seems like she could be one of my girlfriends.

Is it me or do men become more IGNANT with their "compliments" (read: rude comments) when they're in pairs? It's amazing how a "you look nice this evening" can quickly turn into a "GOT DAMN you FINE, LOOK AT THEM LIPS, I'll SUCK on that bottom lip!, DAYUM" when a fool and his partner in foolishness unite. Note to men: such behavior will Never and I mean never ever land you the girl. It's actually scary and offensive, especially when the woman is alone on a dark street.

I realized that I'm not ready to "date". I keep thinking and even saying I'll call this one or that one but I never do. Basically when it comes to dating multiple people, I'm lazy. Just give me someone that I'm into and I have no problem putting in work and effort, but the thought of calling and entertaining random dudes just makes me sleepy.

People keep saying that I'm glowing and I look happy. I even got one "you look like you're in love"...interesting. Maybe it's just that new Ambi Even and Clear moisturizer? (Shrugs).

My Doctor told me that I have high blood pressure. Sigh. My pressure has actually been on the higher end for a while so she's been monitoring it. Obviously she can't tell me to "stop smoking, loose weight, eat right, or start exercising" as I don't have issues with any of those things. I do have a hot temper (I let things stress me easily) so I can work on that, and I will. There is history of high blood pressure in my family (found that out recently) and Doc thinks that eventually I'll be on medication for it. The devil is a LIAR!! I can't stand the idea of being "on" anything for the rest of my life. I'll be researching natural ways to combat high pressure this weekend....and praying.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

How I Met Your Father

At Work....

Where does a busy knowledge worker in a metropolitan, who's not into the club or "singles" scene meet other single, available people of SUBSTANCE? AT WORK, DuH!! I realized the other day that I've met all my "men" at work. Dates back to my first job at the tender age of 15. I met my first boyfriend while I was the mall. He came in bruised and broken from a motorcycle accident. He was the finest boy that my 15 year old eyes had ever seen. I was helping him pick out some shorts and noticed that his shoe was untied. Seeing that he was unable to do so himself, I knelt down and tied it for him. No big deal to me. Moved a mountain for him. He was 2 years older but already very street so getting treated nicely by random girls was something new to him. Go figure. He wifed me up in two seconds flat and broke my heart 3 years later. My next boy (my ex) and I met through friends that I knew from work. The actual exchange of info did not happen until he ran me (and my too short dress) down while I was taking my lunch break from my manager post at Betsey Johnson. We were together for almost a decade. He said he was attracted to my independence from the start. Alejandro and I also met at work. This time a quick exchange of smiles and a wave lead to a procurement of his business card and the rest is black history. I'm convinced that I will meet my husband/the father of my children (hence the title of this post) at work, randomly. I've not ruled out other options but that's my stance right now. Here are my reasons:

  1. I don't go out (clubs, bars, etc) like that.
  2. I am mean and I don't take kindly to totally random "bookings”, but for whatever reason, I’m more “open” while I’m at work. Not sure why, but it’s true. Also meeting people on the party circuit takes too much effort. I have to get dolled up, pay money to get in, etc. Meeting someone at work is free and easy because I’m already going to look nice and walking from my car to my office is free. As a matter of fact I’m getting paid when I get there.
  3. When I meet a man at work, there's some equal footing, especially if he's also "working" when we meet. We both have jobs; we both have some purpose in life.
  4. I can glean his fashion sense. Yes, this is important, especially for the initial attraction. He’s probably checking out my a$$ or my shoes and I’m peeping his shirt & tie coordination. And definitely his shoes!
  5. Typically our mode of communication will be via email, so I can evaluate his email/written communication game (must be viscous for me to be hooked).
  6. I will possibly see some interaction between him and his colleagues. I've been told that this is the best way to evaluate a man...through his interaction with others. You can date a man for months and never meet his “friends” but if you work near a person, at some point you will see him interact with others.
  7. The first date is usually substantive. We'll probably go to lunch or dinner after work, where we'll talk about work, we'll learn about what we do, maybe even get a sense of each other's passion in life. We'll probably learn something about the other's educational background, where they're from, etc. It's not the usual "I'm just trying to hit" first date banter. I think this date will have both wanting to know more about the other.
  8. When you meet a man at work, you've already put your best foot forward. You look nice, he gets to see that you're independent (hopefully), he might be impressed by your fancy title (just kidding), and you're not just another random hot chick in the club. You already stand out. You're more than a pretty face/nice body. That's just my opinion.

I'll be honest, whenever I do take a random number or give mine out, I usually never call, and I don't answer if he calls, because my interest has weaned by that point. After the initial "oh he's fine" I'm over it and thinking about the handsome, well draped, educated, witty engineer or labor attorney that I had that great lunch with who I'm trying to get to know better. I'm just saying!! Men at work, they rock!!

Now this list is not comprehensive and under no circumstances would I date a man that I actually work with. That would be kind of hard where I work anyway. I must also mention that if you actually end up dating this person it may be difficult to deal with the possibility of running into him once the relationship has ended, especially if he begins dating someone else at work (shudders at the thought). But what situation in life is perfect?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

"Radio"-Cool Mindless Fun

I borrowed this little game from FB. It's the only "list" that I thought was cool.

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.


Here we go....

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY? "Put Your Hands on Me" Joss Stone (hey hugs make everything better right?)


WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Lucifer” Jay-Z (I have been known to like a bad boy, but Lucifer?)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? "Circus" Britney Spears (Hey I don't make this stuff up)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "Waiting for Tonight" Jennifer Lopez...(okay, what's happening tonight?)

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO? "Show Stopper" Danity Kane (Yes I am!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "Gives You Hell" The All American Rejects (Hilarious!!) Do I?

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "In Love with a Girl" Gavin DeGraw (hmmm)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Ignat S**t” Drake/Lil Wayne (LOL!!!)

WHAT IS 2 + 2? "All Night Long" Robin Thicke/Lil Wayne (Huh?)


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "O.O.C" Mariah Carey (That's exactly how I feel sometimes)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "All Dressed Up in Love" Jennifer Hudson (that's a nice thought)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Don’t Let Go” Sarah Mclachlan/Bryan Adams (WOW!! STFU!) I wonder if he's ever heard this song? It's beautiful and I always think of him when I hear it. WoW!!

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Points of Authority/99 Problems/One Step Closer" Linkin Park/Jay-Z (Hey, sound like marriage to me)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "Sports Sex & Food” Tweet (LOL!) me in a nutshell....

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "A Milli" Lil Wayne (You got that right!!)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? "Bittersweet" Kanye/John Mayer (my exact sentiments on death)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Video Phone" Beyonce (Oh my!! shhh, don't tell anyone)

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW? "Rescue Me" Teedra Moses

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Grown Woman" Mary J. Blige/Ludacris (True)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "Radio" Music Soulchild

Drake Makes Me Cool

Haha! My ex's teenage kid is hilarious. We have a great relationship that's totally outside of any contact that I might ever have with his Dad, which is now pretty much none. He calls me directly if he needs something from me, which is usually school work related. So I'm tutoring him and his other little delinquent friend on a project they have for an HVAC class. The whole time, they are being distracted by girls and they notice they aren't getting much play. Suddenly they realize that me sitting there with with no make-up, rocking sweats, a "Captain America" tee and girlish glow on my face from my earlier three mile run, could easily pass for their slightly older college age girlfriend. They get mad, and go in on me. "They probably think you're my girlfriend". "Dang you're like my mom, ewww" (I'm not even old enough to be this kid's mom, unless I had him at like 12). This goes on for the rest of the session and back to the car.

I plug in my IPOD and that Drake's "Successful" starts flowing-suddenly I'm cool again. <:) Gotta love the bridge gapping powers of music!