God is Not Mean

Sometimes I feel obligated to NEver lament about how hard it can be (to the flesh) to live for Christ.

My flesh wants what it wants and it's only my love and desire to live for God that tells it to shut up!

But I fail, a lot! I give in to my flesh and rationalize it, and then God uses my messy situation to show me my own impure heart to bring me to repentance.

The truth is, I STRugglE with waiting on My God guy. I try to fill that void with other stuff. Other men, work, clothes, being cute, social media, being successful, even working out. I still resent the "quiet season" and I still have not learned to take my sometimes loneliness like a woMAN.

So this time, I wanted some one-one male attention. It's something I crave often; masculine energy and attention.

I got exactly what I wanted and now I'm not even sure it was a good idea. Actually, if I'm honest, it was a bad idea...confirmed by the fact that old jealous emotions came back. And frankly, the only reason why the situation that occurred bothered me so much, is because I allowed myself to reconnect emotionally. It took lots of prayer, tears and a late night work out session to be OK again.

The problem with sin is the flesh is insatiable! Giving in once is like the beginning of a prolonged food binge. You only stop once you can no longer fit into your favorite jeans, or you throw up.

I need to do better about guarding my heart. I can only give Agape love.

But how can you explain this stuff to an unbeliever? They'll just think this Christian thing is too hard! They'll say something like "what's wrong with enjoying time with me?"

God is not mean, He just wants what's best for me. I don't have the luxury of acting without conscious because I gave Him permission to be my conscious. I won't go back.