Prayer for my Husband

ABBA, you created me, and I believe you created marriage for my good and your glory. I don’t know your timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married. I Thank You, Lord, because you placed this strong desire in my heart “and called it good”. Father, please forgive me for the times I spoke against this desire to be married and even asked you to take it away. Now that I understand your purpose, I am thankful that you would never honor such a request. Thank You that you’ve already been where I’m headed, you know what my future holds, and you’ve ordered my steps. Thank you for the blessing of marriage and for my future husband. I pray that your favor be upon him all the days of his life. Please be with him and prepare his heart to do your will, even as you are preparing me to be a wife that will be pleasing in your sight. Thank you for the grace to remain pure and to resist the temptations of this world while I wait. Please keep me from the distraction of ungodly men that are not suitable to be my husband. Thank you, Lord that all good and perfect gifts come from you and that there is no sorrow added to Your blessings. Thank you, Father that your desires are my desires. Thank you, Holy Spirit for continuing to teach me and for opening the eyes of my heart and understanding. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ., AMEN.

The List

I've never made that infamous list of everything I want in a mate. I used to think it was silly and pretty shallow and now I understand why. Although sitting down and making a laundry list of what I THINK I deserve in a mate would be edifying to my flesh, it's not God's heart. Our culture teaches us to approach marriage like that of a consumer; I am signing this contract so I better have all my clauses in it and the product I'm getting better fulfill my every desire, or else…we divorce. Lol!

God is teaching me that is a fallacy. God's purpose for marriage is to teach us to love and forgive like his Son Jesus Christ. Jesus purchased us, signed up for us, entered into covenant (blood contract) with us by dying on the cross with NO GUARANTEE that we'd ever get right or accept his sacrifice. I believe that God designed marriage to be the final proving ground for maturity, and learning to love sacrificially with grace and forgiveness towards our mate. Marriage, when you look at it through God’s eyes is a perfect model of our relationship with Christ. Whew! I’m learning so much!

Not to mention I'm more focused on "becoming the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for" as Andy Stanley so eloquently put it.
But in lieu of the infamous list, I believe there are certain non-negotiable things that a man must have. I believe all these can be gleaned from just being a friend to a man and watching his walk and the fruit of his life. So instead of the list, here are my 5 non-negotiable things….

1. Must be a believer in the Holy Trinity and a follow of Jesus Christ.
2. Must be willing and able to provide for a family
3. Must love sacrificially
4. Must be honest and communicate openly and consistently
5. Must have a good reputation and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader (head)

Forgiveness

It's widely known (by those who know me) that my natural father made some very selfish decisions that caused my mother’s death (10 days after I was born) and left me basically an orphan and ward of the state until I was 18. The part that's still coming to the surface is how much his actions affected the rest of my family (mother's side).

My aunt can't even talk about the situation and losing her sister without coming to tears, some 30+ years later. It hurts my heart to see her sad but I'm mostly over it.

Specifically, I've forgiven him. I know that it wasn’t him. The devil saw the future that God has for me and he wanted to abort God's plan. That's the devil’s job (he comes to steal kill and destroy) and he uses spirits through people to accomplish his work. Ironically that's also God's M.O. for showing His goodness (The Holy Spirit at work in willing humans).

The other day I told my aunt that though I'm not necessarily interested in having a relationship with my natural father, I feel sorry for him because he's missing out on a lovely daughter. I also said if I ever saw him in need, I'd help him; to which she replied "How can you do that? I wouldn’t." I don't know. I just know that I would.

I know that everything we learn here on earth about love and forgiveness is God trying to make us just like Jesus so that He can enjoy a heaven full of perfectly loving "Jesus(s)" when we get to heaven. In the end, God loves Jesus so much that He wants all of us to be just like Him! Jesus loves and forgives perfectly and I want to be just like Him. Jesus is dope! Forgiveness is hard (my natural father did unspeakable things) but God is good and the devil can't hold me because I belong to God....for that I'm thankful and I don't want to displease God by harboring un-forgiveness towards ANYONE...I will pray for my aunt and the rest of my family to get there. They’re still talking about tracking him down to beat him. Lord have mercy!

No one is worthy of my un-forgiveness...no one

I Am Getting Married

I'm getting married soon. I know it. Everything I'm doing right now is preparing me to be a great wife. God has me on the path, the way He's changed me, the things He's revealing to me, the resources, He's sent me and everything He's allowing me to see now. I AM GETTING MARRIED!

A while ago, I would never declare that or even be so open about how marriage minded I am. This culture has many women thinking we need to downplay our desire for marriage, not bring it up lest we scare men off. Real men aren’t afraid of marriage talk. My man won't be. It's that simple. There is a time for love (Ecc 3:8) and every good, godly man knows that. I don’t desire any other type of man. Closed mouths don't get fed, so a woman being mum about her real desires is doing herself a great disservice. Ironic that it's okay to give our minds, bodies and souls to a man but we shouldn’t seek commitment??!! Man, the closer I get to God, the more I see how whack this world system and our culture really is.

Anyway, I'm getting married and my husband is going to be dope and love me to pieces and I can't wait to love, serve and honor him.

Who I am...

I saw a challenge on Twitter where one of the people I follow challenged folks to write down everything they truly believe they bring to the table in a relationship. Since this type of thing goes right in line with my quest to becoming Mrs. Right, I decided to take it. Here's what I can honestly say I can bring to a relationship TODAY.

I am submitted to God
I am dependable
I am responsible
I am Giving
I am Loyal
I am Nice
I am resourceful
I am hard working
I am willing to share
I don't have secrets that I'm not willing to share w/my partner
I am smart and make good decisions
I am a good listener
I live a pretty quiet and drama free life
I'm fun
I'm not a party girl
I have a good reputation
I am sincerely working towards developing a Christ-like character
I am serious
I am supportive
I put others before myself
I am protective
I am passionate
I am Consistent
I am Affectionate
I am Compassionate
I am optimistic
I am successful
I am Healthy & Physically fit
I take care of myself
I am faithful
I am independent (but want to depend on someone)
I am dedicated
I am attractive
I am modest
I am honest
I know what I want
I am willing to use my resources for the advancement of us
I am willing to work WITH a man
I am communicative and open
I am willing to share my emotions and let someone in
I am not materialistic
I am willing to please
I am willing to yield
I am flexible
I am happy
I am funny
I am forgiving
I am prayerful
I am willing to share
I am intelligent
I am educated
I am friendly
I can cook
I keep a clean home
I'm not frivolous
I am respectful
I am self aware
I can get along with anyone and fit in most places
I can hold a conversation
I am intellectually curious, stimulating and engaging
I am open to constructive feedback
I desire to be a mother, teacher to my children, caregiver and family matriach
I am strong and sound minded (mentally, emotionally, spiritually)BLESS THE LORD!
I am well rounded
I am balanced
I am sensual
I am trustworthy
I am romantic
I am challenging
I am chaste
I am career driven but not career obsessed
I am family-oriented
I am open-minded

I am also willing to be challenged in any of these areas. So if I find I'm not living up to them, I will gladly do better. I already know that I need to work on being more Patient, that's why I omitted that from the list. Lol! But by God's grace, I will get there. I'm also skeptical about whether this list should be this long. Am I tooting my own horn? I'm inclined to think that relationships require a lot of these intangibles to be successful; especially a marrriage and I'm happy to know (in my heart) that I posses the qualities above. I'm certainly not above reproach or further refinement, but the core foundation is there and being devloped even more each day.

Becoming Mrs. Right

The main points of the series "The New Rules for Sex, Love & Dating" is that we don't magically become a good mate after we meet and marry "the right person", in fact this "happily every after" myth is why many marriages fail. Seems so simple of a concept, but when you did deeper, it's clear how this thinking can be problematic and how one must make a conscious effort to avoid this trap, well before marriage. I want to be the BEST WIFE I CAN BE, when that time comes, and I know that begins in me.

Andy Stanley asserts that being/becoming a good mate is a process that must be undertaken long before you even meet your mate. Many people want to commit but are simply unprepared to do so because they did not prepare in advance for the commitment that they are making. For me, an unmarried woman, this concept seems fundamental. To me, this is the heart of God, that we seek Him to mold us into the image he has for us and everything else will fall into place. In fact loving God first is not only a command but it's the path to understanding HOW to love others...

I'd venture to take it a step further and say this process should not be taken solely for the objective of attracting a the person you want, but that becoming the type of person you'd want to love simply makes you a better person. What a concept...

This message actually confirmed a lot of things that I'd already been thinking about and praying about. I've been sensing that God wants me to focus on Him and allow him to change me solely for His enjoyment, for his glory, and he'll add a mate to my life if he decides to share me. LOL!

So that is my endeavor...to become Mrs. Right. As with most real change, it begins with a purpose of heart and then applying Godly principles to renew the mind. Everything else will happen....with some practical application

So here we go...I'm excited!

Designer Sex & Becoming Mrs. Right

This entire series "The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating" on becoming the person you want to find is dope and a Godsend but Part II, "Designer Sex" echoes everything I believe about sex outside of marriage and the speaker addresses the topic so eloquently.

The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating

It was so good and blessed me so much that I HAD to send it to like everyone I know. I pray that people will at least take the time to listen.

Growing Pains

I can always tell when I've made the right decision in a situation; my emotions are unhappy but my mind is clear. My resolve is strengthened.

The heart wants what it wants. My heart wants a companion, a future husband; one that is witty, godly, intellectual, funny, successful, smart, educated, sweet, compassionate, attractive, etc...

I saw potential there. But he wasn’t for me (at least not at this time) because he DID NOT CHOOSE ME! I'm learning...it only took me 8 months this time instead of 3 years. Thank God for giving me this moment of clarity.

I think I said everything I wanted to say. The conversation went well. There is no love lost and even the heated discourse was compassionate and intellectually stimulating (darn that man, LOL!!) so that's how I know we'll both remember each other fondly. Which for me, is a happy ending.

He expressed disappointment in my decision. Which lets me know that he didn’t really expect me to make the choice I did. HA! Men are funny to me. All of a sudden he could picture himself having a change of heart. Maybe he will. But I can't afford to wait around for it.

As I said to him, if he's a person that God will have for me, he will come to his senses and come back around and I will gladly receive him. I know God will not withhold any good thing from me, His word says so. And with that, I bid you adieu sir...

One of my girls said this to me after I told her about the ending: "girl, u r growing leaps and bounds. God is smiling on u right now he's like, "look at my baby girl"...

Amen. I pray that He is...

Needs to be Said

You know what? I really need to say this:

It's been really refreshing conversing with Cope. I keep reverting back to the conversation from last night. Being a professional woman in the DC area is hard. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've always first and foremost seen myself as a wife and mother. But as I've grown and realized that those roles don't always come so easily, I've refocused my energy on the things I can control like my education and career. I think this is what a lot of women do.

So when men run across women that seem to be all about their career, it's often not her first choice but rather a default position as a result of the relationship thing seeming unattainable. After all, men do the choosing, not women. God made men the gatekeepers of marriage, by virtue of the fact that men do the asking of the woman's hand in marriage (i don't care that women now ask men too, I'm an old fashioned girl). Not to mention there are a lot of men who are simply non-committal!

It's so refreshing and encouraging to make the acquaintance of a man who knows what he wants and seems ready to do what he needs to pursue it and will not play games with his woman. I was starting to think all "decent" (smart, educated, can hold a conversation, has a job, handsome, no kids, Christian, etc) men are simply content to deal with multiple women forever. Even if it goes nowhere, I'm really enjoying being proven wrong.(:)(:)(:)

Love in a Time of Famine

"We aren't victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we've simply chosen to mix in our own standards of sexual conduct with God's standard. Since we found God's standard too difficult, we created a mixture -- something new, something comfortable, something mediocre."

What God wants for me is His best, the most perfect gift that he could ever give me. But to reach this, it takes sacrifice on my part. I'm learning every day, that this walk of abstinence will be traversed on an often lonely road. I've always been prepared for the loneliness of being rejected by the opposite sex, what's catching me off guard is finding fellow sisters in Christ who are also sold out.

I think/I know what's missing is our complete adherence to God's word in every area of our lives. That seems easier in other areas than with sexual purity. Somehow we find ways to justify sexual sin as "the one sin" that God will just have to deal with us on...as if we only have one sin. I've done it. Does that make me unworthy of having a heart change and being totally convicted now? I don't think so, grace says that's not so. Yet I admit, at times I feel like I don't have the right! I've had sex and lot's of it. I'm nobody's angel or virgin.

Today I read a (supposed to be Christian relationship) blog where the writer was using Bible scripture to admonish her readership against "having sex too soon" in a relationship! She caveat(ed) by saying "but for the Christian, too soon is any sex before marriage". I was floored! Is this not a Christian based blog? Why are you even discussing any other type of sex? But I didn’t comment! I just got upset and unsubscribed...Silly me.

In those moments I hear the Spirit of the Lord saying, "You need to speak up! This world is starving for the truth. There is famine in the land and you have the manna of God's word, so share it in its unadulterated truth. You think that love is sparing the feelings of others. But my love is conviction that at times cuts like a knife but sets you free by grace. Share it"! Yet I remain silent and I feel guilty....

I Want That Old Thing Back

I miss my life before FB, Twitter, etc. Today I decided I want it back. So I’m taking it back.

The other day I counted how many times I logged in to my twitter and/or FB account and the answer was "you need to get a life". Really, I have no life right now. I'll literally sit there (while watching a movie) and hit refresh on my social networking tool of choice umpteen times. I think it's sad. So I deleted everything.

Sure, I could decrease the number of times I log in but the real issue is I just don't want to consume other people's lives anymore. I want to live my own and not share it with people I don't really consider friends in real life. So I deleted everything.

I want to write again, I want to take a cooking class, I want to study for the GMAT, I want to look for jobs in Chicago, and not share any of it, unless it’s with my support system. I'm glad people are having birthdays, babies, parties, weddings, etc. But I don't care or want to care. So I deleted everything.

Most of the content is not conducive to where I am in my life right now. I spend a considerable amount of time hiding people from my newsfeed, unfriending and blocking people.

I deleted the last guy I was "talking to" because I realized that whole reason I kept him as a FB friend was to use it to somehow manipulate him into missing me, thinking of me, wanting me etc. I'm on a spiritual journey to clean up my life, change my motives, and be more sincere in the way I move, So I deleted everything.

Ahhhhh

My Heart's Desire...

no drama, no ridiculousness, no guessing, no games, no excuses, no lopsidedness, no extra people, no rollercoastering, nothing contrived, nothing difficult. just easy and natural...

I'm Getting Mine, God is getting His

Free was right, there's a confidence, self-esteem boost and all around good feeling that comes with accomplishing some goals! In less than 3 months I've walked across the stage to receive my college degree and obtained a very important professional credential. God is good...I'm winning.

I'm saying this because I need to..I struggle with tooting my own horn because it does not seem humble. But I know that God gets his glory through my life, so toot, toot!

Onward and Upward

Scars

Listening to J. Moss "Rebuild Me"

It's funny almost creepy how the past will come back to haunt you, taunt you in the weirdest way at the most inopportune time. That's usually when it's time to sit still and listen to the Spirit of the Lord speak...

I've been contemplating blogging again...I've never been great at keeping a written journal (maybe it's that I don't like writing by hand) but no less than 3 people in the past week have begged me to "journal" regarding some stuff...I was fighting it. I'd determined that I'm healed of all things past and to confess otherwise is to deny my faith that God has done His work...I'm at times foolish and hard headed.

So there I was in the mirror, admiring my physique ('cause I've been working out, eating right and I look hot!)...my eyes glazed over my curves, admiring the tone in my arms, the 3 piece forming into my abs, then they landed on the first scar and then the second and the third, and the tears fromed and my mind flooded with memories. All I could do was cry out...and ask God why? Why would He allow this, and why does it still hurt?

"Jesus also bears scars He said, to remind me of the sacrifice, the pain, the cost, but most importantly, the victory. Your pain was not in vain. Healing is a process, walk in it without shame...for my glory".

I'm going to deal with this...