Contentment

"become content in God alone, and then He will send your mate..."

that statement,and variations thereof is what I've been told, read, etc about what God's requirement (of me) is before He will deem me ready for my mate, and usher him into my life.

i'll confess, that statement haunts, disturbs, and frustrates me. and often makes me feel inadequate and undeserving.

yes, i believe that i should be content and totally dependent on God. but i believe that this should be my posture while single AND as a wife. no?

...and what about the people who are married and only now searching for a relationship with God? did God not require this prerequisite of them...?

lastly, what does this "contentment" look, feel, and act like? am i required to not even think about a man? like ever? i've heard the same (now married) women-- who've mentioned the opening quote, say that when they met their now husbands they "weren't even THINKING about no man!" it was just them and Jesus & that was enough. in fact one even said they told God, if He decided not to send them a husband, they were fine with that; then suddenly the windows of heaven opened up and poured them out a man...

the interesting thing is i've NEVER heard a (Christian) man talk like this. they simply, decided to choose a wife, found a good woman, got married..."and found favor with the Lord"...

listen, i love God, i really do. and i'm always trying to think of how i can get even closer to Him. i have a deep relationship with Him, i serve, i give. no, i am not doing any of these things to strong arm God into sending me a husband or anything else. i know i can't even manipulate God in that way, even if i wanted to. He knows my heart. i am not perfect. no. but i do think, daydream, fantasize, wish for, talk about & pray for a male friend, a companion, a date, and eventually a husband OFTEN! yet i multitask all this pontificating with maintaining a fulfilling career, my ministry, having a life, exploring my interests, enjoying my family & friends loving my God, etc.

is there something else i ought to be doing? am i wrong? is God not pleased with me? do i disappoint Him? is he angry with me and punishing me? i know it’s a question of faith and i believe it will happen. i also know that many of God’s promises & provisions come with a prerequisite. i am required to do something. is this one of those? and am i even close to doing my part?

i find myself confused here. even in the Bible God said it was "not good" for man to be alone, after calling everything else He'd done "very good". so i wonder, what gives?

i do know that adam was content just doing his job and being with God, not even realizing that he was lonely...but adam was perfect and didn't have the burden of a sinful, lustful heart...

i was told recently that "lust" is wanting whatever you desire NOW! so maybe that's my issue..i'm lusting for/after a man...?

i'd like to add; for the longest time i did not even want to pray about no darn husband to God. it seemed silly, desperate and a waste of time. i did not want to become "that chick". in retrospect, i'm afraid i've become "that chick". YIKES!

Frustration

I'm not dating anyone. I'm not sexually involved with anyone. I don't talk to or consistently interact with anyone. But here I am, once again; heart attached to, thoughts consumed with and mind focused on some man!...who has no idea. How tragic & pathetic.

I hate this more than anything. I pray about it. Sometimes I cry and talk to my Daddy about it. I ask Him for wisdom and grace to deal with it. It's not even about dude, more my inability to take him or leave him as he seemingly does me. One hint from him that we should get together, and I'm spending my whole day multitasking between work and event planning. I'm so over myself, I wish I could put myself in a time out corner for this mischief. I mean, brother doesn't even know! Yet here I am, writing about him...

Resting

I had a pretty good week; super busy, but good. Perhaps it's the fast, but I feel so focused, less restless, unbothered and at peace. The persistent thoughts of and attention to a certain person are less present. I like that.

Speaking of which, Lambchop put me on to mint.com, which I'm convinced at this point is a God send! It's the last piece of the puzzle that I needed to help me organize and settle some financial goals! I'm really excited about it and I've been telling all who will hear about it...!

My big sister told me that I need to stop trying to be peoples', especially Lambchop's "savior". She believes that he may start to look at me only as a sister in Christ and forget that I'm also an attractive, single, good woman. Lol! I see her point but I don't want to create a contrived interaction between us purely for the sake of being "desirable" to him. It is what it is I guess, but I don't think we're at that place (I know he finds me very attractive) nor can I be fake. However, I have decided to take on the challenge of listening more to him (and others in general) and placing less emphasis on being heard and getting my point across. I don't think becoming a better listener ever hurts. I'm going to work on this...

I'm not satisfied with my current living situation long term. I'm not feeling being a renter at all, though I have no desire to move back into my townhouse. To be transparent, I didn't want to buy more property before getting married. My thought is/was that I didn't want to have too many ties to one area, in case my husband lives out of the area, state, country, continent, etc. symbolically I want to go and be with my husband where he is and not the other way around. I've now decided to live my life and leave all that to the Lord to handle when the time comes.

In the meantime, I want to put myself in a posture financially to buy another property, specifically a condo in DC. That's what I want to do by the end of this year...to at least be engaged in that process...We'll see what my Daddy has to say about it because I've started praying about it.