Monday, March 12, 2012


"become content in God alone, and then He will send your mate..."

that statement,and variations thereof is what I've been told, read, etc about what God's requirement (of me) is before He will deem me ready for my mate, and usher him into my life.

i'll confess, that statement haunts, disturbs, and frustrates me. and often makes me feel inadequate and undeserving.

yes, i believe that i should be content and totally dependent on God. but i believe that this should be my posture while single AND as a wife. no?

...and what about the people who are married and only now searching for a relationship with God? did God not require this prerequisite of them...?

lastly, what does this "contentment" look, feel, and act like? am i required to not even think about a man? like ever? i've heard the same (now married) women-- who've mentioned the opening quote, say that when they met their now husbands they "weren't even THINKING about no man!" it was just them and Jesus & that was enough. in fact one even said they told God, if He decided not to send them a husband, they were fine with that; then suddenly the windows of heaven opened up and poured them out a man...

the interesting thing is i've NEVER heard a (Christian) man talk like this. they simply, decided to choose a wife, found a good woman, got married..."and found favor with the Lord"...

listen, i love God, i really do. and i'm always trying to think of how i can get even closer to Him. i have a deep relationship with Him, i serve, i give. no, i am not doing any of these things to strong arm God into sending me a husband or anything else. i know i can't even manipulate God in that way, even if i wanted to. He knows my heart. i am not perfect. no. but i do think, daydream, fantasize, wish for, talk about & pray for a male friend, a companion, a date, and eventually a husband OFTEN! yet i multitask all this pontificating with maintaining a fulfilling career, my ministry, having a life, exploring my interests, enjoying my family & friends loving my God, etc.

is there something else i ought to be doing? am i wrong? is God not pleased with me? do i disappoint Him? is he angry with me and punishing me? i know it’s a question of faith and i believe it will happen. i also know that many of God’s promises & provisions come with a prerequisite. i am required to do something. is this one of those? and am i even close to doing my part?

i find myself confused here. even in the Bible God said it was "not good" for man to be alone, after calling everything else He'd done "very good". so i wonder, what gives?

i do know that adam was content just doing his job and being with God, not even realizing that he was lonely...but adam was perfect and didn't have the burden of a sinful, lustful heart...

i was told recently that "lust" is wanting whatever you desire NOW! so maybe that's my issue..i'm lusting for/after a man...?

i'd like to add; for the longest time i did not even want to pray about no darn husband to God. it seemed silly, desperate and a waste of time. i did not want to become "that chick". in retrospect, i'm afraid i've become "that chick". YIKES!

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