New Beginnings

Can melancholy and peace coexist? I vote yes, because interestingly, that’s what I feel right now. The textbook definition of melancholy is a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression but also, sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness. I think I’m more on the ladder end. Throw in a bit of excitement and curiosity too.

Last Friday’s date was 08/08/08, in case you missed it. LOL! As a pretty spiritual person I have been told, read, and believe that as the number 7 represents the number of completion or perfection, the number 8 in the spiritual realm, represents a transition into newness or new beginnings. Last Friday I recognized the date and the significance of the numbers and embraced it as my time of newness and transition onto an even greater plateau. I had just returned from a month of being in South Africa, felt very confident and excited about my latest projects and later that evening had a wonderful dinner and girl talk session with my girl from high school. Even later that evening, I had another catching up session with two more great women from high school. I was excited, happy and could feel the tide turning (for the better) in my spirit. I mean I could just feel it!

Then BAM!! On Saturday, my ex calls to deliver some sobering news that his new girlfriend just had a baby girl for him two weeks ago. For many reasons, most of which I could not even explain, I was crushed. I cried for a while and at one point I looked myself in the mirror and asked myself honestly why this news bothered me so. After all, we are over and I’m the one that ended it. The most honest answer I got back was that at one time and for a very long time, this man represented my hope for a future family, my dream to be a wife and a mother and now that reality rests with him and someone else. I also felt that in some weird way I was reliving our horrible break up all over again. I think that letting him get close to me again, as we had become recently made me vulnerable to him again. [lesson learned: guard my heart] But God is good because just as I was bracing myself for a week of tears, depression and sadness, I was surrounded by friends who were there for me to talk some sense into me, encourage me, love on me and pray for me. I was allowed to cry and vent and I was supported. So though I am melancholy about it and find myself drifting into wonder about what his baby girl looks like, how he’s holding her tenderly and cooing at her, how they are relating as a “family” etc…I am not bitter, envious, or jealous and I have not shed one more tear over it since Sunday. My girl said one thing that stood out to me. She was like "P, the man that is for you will be a giver (of himself) like you are". All I could say was "Damn", because that was so poignant. I have decided to be patient and let this wonderful, giving man find me and love me as I deserve to be loved. Until then I have to "think about myself for a change" as my wise ex advised me this weekend. That is the best thing he has ever said to me. LOL!

I believe that I am at peace and if I have not arrived there, I am quickly finding my way to it.

I know that I am so much better off. I don’t wish to be an unwed mother and at the end of the day he and I had to end because he is very selfish and I am totally unselfish, there is no way he and I could have continued to coexisted happily once I became a self aware woman. There was a brief moment where I considered not giving him the gift that I bought him from South Africa (LOL!) but it’s just not in me to be an Indian giver and he totally loved it. Forgiveness is key and though I know he is very undeserving, the big ass grin on his face warmed my heart.

Since the drama of the weekend I have cleaned my house from top to bottom (cause that's what I do when I'm upset), purged my closet for clothes and shoes to donate and just trying to ride this whole wave of freshness and newness that I feel and I am determined to hold onto no matter what foolishness comes my way.

This week I decided that I am moving to Baltimore and have started the process to rent my house and find a place there. I am so sure in spite of not yet having a renter or a place to move into there that I have already began packing. I am just claiming it all done! I am so excited I can hardly sit still! I am also starting at a new school next month and I am so thrilled at the idea of going back to school. I am ready to go back into nerd mode and have no life. I can picture myself in my new place in Baltimore, writing a paper, reading and sipping some tea. Being from the DC area, we were always told bad things about Baltimore but I have a feeling like I am going to love Baltimore and I already know that it's not all like 'The Wire'! Plus I know some good people there and I have family there. Can you tell that I'm excited?

After a month of drinking wine and feasting on rich food in South Africa I am now eating better and following the principles of the ABS diet as well as working out and I feel fabulous! Like my girl Free says “I’m getting fine” and I feel so good about all the wonderful new things and blessings that are in store for me!