And So It Is

In 2008, I loved, I lived, I cried, I laughed, I gave, I learned, I created, I changed.

I could go on forever but I won't bore you with the details. I can only say that this year has been a year of transition for me. I experienced a lot that has redefined the woman that is me. I am better I am wiser and stronger all because of:

The maternal grandmother who proclaimed that she could now (at 93)"die in peace" having seen her first born daughter's only child again.

The family that loved me so much even without knowing me and teaching me the lesson that love is not always something I have to WORK so hard for.

The young girls that I met that are transitioning from foster care who reminded me of my purpose and letting me know that my idea is not stupid but is very viable and necessary.

The job that forced me to redefine myself once again and taught me that despite the angst that comes with change and re-proving; it's necessary to remain resilient and be a maverick in order to compete.

The people that I met in Ghana and South Africa who opened my eyes to the reality of the world outside of the US and opened my heart to the possibility of being somewhere other than here.

The friends that reminded me of my strength, brilliance and worth, when my heart was breaking, my confidence was weakened, and my poise was shaken.

The God who kept me safe, strong, protected, provided for, wealthy, healthy, wise and loved every step of the way.

Not sure what 09 has for me and I don't care to plan every moment of it. I have some goals of course (I hate the notion of a resolution, what in life is resolute?) but I'm going in completely open, because if I've learned nothing else in 08, I've learned to be generous with myself in regards to giving in to the possibility, even if it means I fail, or things don't go my way. In 08, without knowing, I've done that. I was less uptight, I was like a baby, unafraid to explore the potential in everything that was presented to me. They said go to Africa and I said yes and figured out the details afterwards. I'm glad I did. I said yes to moving out of my comfort zone into a new city. I said yes to love even when it was not presented in the way I'd want my love wrapped up. I said yes to sharing my resources when my natural instinct is to be cheap and save every penny, lol...out of fear of being poor. I said yes to new challenges at work, school, my ministry, my relationships, and I am a better woman for it. I feel light and ready for whatever comes. I have some hopes for the next year but mostly I am saying yes to whatever 09 brings. Heck, why not?

Holiday Love

I feel like I'm always playing Santa's "helper" to my girlfriends men when it comes to gift giving. Usually they just want good ideas since I know these ladies so well , but usually their approach is kind of generic or obligatory...almost like "I'm asking because I know I HAVE to get something and I don't want to mess up"...not this guy, he really want to see my girl happy and pleased. He was already seeing Tiffany blue, but just wanted some further direction and I happily obliged. I am so ELATED that she's found someone genuine and good to her who wants to make her happy, WOW!!! Just warms my cold heart. J/K!

From my girl’s man….

"Thank you P. The earrings I think are back ordered so I might have to get them after they get them back in the store. I'll probably pick up the necklace tonight. Thanks for the additional ideas. I knew you would know.

I just want to make her happy. I'm feeling her a whole lot. I hope she feels the same. It would kinda suck if she didn't :-\ LOL"

Aint he a doll??!! Gotta love LOVE.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

The Home Stretch

Right now I'm back in PA for work (doing some IT PR), which has been totally the opposite of boring lately. Ask you and shall receive...

I'm prepping for final exams, finalizing projects and darn near ready to pull my locks out. I just have a few more weeks to grind it out then I can shut it down from the 22nd until the New Year. I can't wait until it's over so I can relax with my girls in Florida. But it's cool, I've got this!!! Friday night I'm going to the company holiday party. I plan to have a blast and dazzle them with my dancing skills, plus they OWE me a drink...or two!

Be right back...

Arrggghhhhhh!!!! Fender Bender

I got up this morning feeling so, so...mostly wanted to stay in bed. But I had a conference call with South Africa that I had to join at 5:30am. I really wanted to get on the train but after all the chatting, about the same old business, I realized that I'd missed all the trains leaving during the 6:00am hour...so I tried for the 7:07, realized that I was missing that one as I drove to the station. I could’ve made the 7:22, but no parking was left available for me...so I give in to driving. I'm going along my merry little way, when suddenly BAM!!! She rear ends my car. It took me a moment to realize that I'd been hit. THANK GOD everyone is ok and it's not my fault so I just need to deal with her insurance company. We both filed claims right there on the spot, no sore necks or attitudes. I've only been in one car accident and that was almost 10 years ago...AGAIN THANK GOD, all bodies are in tact...the body of my car, is another story. It wasn’t until I got to work that I realized that my bumper is falling off. I'm slightly irritated (thinking of having to take time off work with all that I have going on) but I'm grateful. I have to just handle my business. I just pray that there're no unnecessary hassles in this process. God is good, all the time!!

Have a great day.

Lonely's Company

I try to be patient, but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home
Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely --Beyonce

It hits me like a wind gust every evening as I leave my office
Once my day is complete and it's time to tuck the power player away, and put the business woman on the shelf, I head out the door, and the moment I exit...he's waiting there, to greet me into the cold.

As I drive along the highway, listening to radio tunes (half drowned out by my own thoughts), he's the constant passenger in my ride...Once I finally make it to the house, insert the key into the lock and enter my door, he welcomes me there too, like an unwanted intruder, that's made himself at home.

As I jog, as I write, as I shop, even as I sit in my classes, trying to remain engaged...lonely is my constant companion and my faithful friend....I am tired of lonely, I've been trying to fight this feeling he brings...but the harder I fight the easier I succumb, the longer I resist, the more he persists, he refuses to disappear.

I've tried to convince myself that I'm better than this. But who am I to believe I'm exempt from this place of neediness? How self righteous of me to pretend that I'm above this...constant nagging of "why am I still single"?..."why have I not been chosen yet"? "When will it be me"? Yeah I'm feeling it and I'm finally ready to admit...I'm scared of lonely.

Do I love my family, of course! Do I adore my girlfriends, heck yes! But there's something about this void, that can't be filled entirely by them. Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin could only temporarily comfort me...and even as I shopped, I was trapped in my thoughts; "it would be so nice to wear these on a date with my boo"...how sad, huh? Yeah, it’s almost laughable.

The last thing I wanted to do after that horrendous ride on the Amtrak , was to come home and be...alone...I closed my eyes and dreamt of escaping the cold right into his arms and curling myself into a tight little ball next to him and just breathing him in...letting the cold, frustration and weariness melt away.

But that's simply not my reality..so each day I shake myself off, put lonely in his place and do what I need to do. All along I think and think and think....and I realize that my safest refuge from lonely is being alone...to ponder and dream, and fantasize about him. I've created a world where lonely is not so scary after all...in my thoughts.