No Tears

No tears, no broken-hearted soliloquies. God’s got this. He's got me covered. I'll be just fine...

I thought I'd be a mess for weeks, months, forever...but mercy said "NO"! I cried out to God, he counted my tears and said "THAT'S ENOUGH"! I feel stronger each day. Through this process I'm learning to allow people to be there for me, to allow myself to be transparent even to myself in order to release and be healed. I'm on the cusp of total peace. I acknowledge the still daily tug at my heart. I embrace the fond memories and even allow myself to reflect on what could have been. I even thank God for this yearning. They let me know that my heart is still open. I want to stay open to the possibilities. Yet I pray that the lessons learned will make me wiser, a bit more pragmatic, and careful.

It's natural. I was created as a woman by God to nurture such longing, such hope for the love of a man and for unborn children. If the woman did not commit to keep the hope flame alive, who would?

But I was never created to feel desperate, insecure, unloveable or heartbroken. God has ordered my steps and I only desire to walk in the path he's prepared for me.

God's way is not popular, fun, or easy but there is safety and protection therein. I want to feel safe and secure in God's unconditional and perfect love. His way is the path for me.

Facebook Foolishness

After my mini meltdown this morning and feeling a general hopelessness about getting the love I want, I am encouraged by something.

I want to preface by saying that I think that FB by and large is useless! It's only useful for people who are really interesting/funny or have a business that they are promoting. It's also (unfortunately) useful for people who want to use it to hurt other people in a passive aggressive way. After being on the short end of that more than once, I deleted and blocked all people associated with nonsense on FB.

After I did that (and did some self inventory) I realized that I am guilty of using it to see things that other people are doing that often hurt me. Like I know it's there and I've unwillingly/willingly seen it and regardless of how "petty" anyone thinks I am for feeling this way, I felt like they were done in a hurtful way. So I made a conscious decision to not go looking on certain people's pages etc....Rambling I know….

Basically what I'm saying is that AFTER I took measures to delete and BLOCK these people I realized that there really is nothing else for me to see on FB!! Lol! Unless I go and unblock these people and that would be me asking for punishment. So I won’t do that. I want to heal.

I was invited to something via FB today and when I logged in this is the first thing that I saw:

Dear Isabella, you are daddy's princess but 1st came the queen. You see before I could become a father I had to become a husband. Not just any husband but the husband worthy to share my life with the one that was meant for me, your mother. God commissioned me to find my soulmate and to wed, honor, and protect her. And 2 years ago today, before Him, we vowed to love each other forever. I love you, April Nicole Young.

So the moral of this ramble is that these are the rare moments that FB is used for niceness and pleasantness and I needed to see this. I’m not going as far as deleting my account because there are people that want to keep in distant contact with me and I them and for now, I like that.

Come Back, Don't Leave Me....this way

I knew it was to good to be true. I let so much out this weekend. I told trusted friends about my issues, got prayer, went to church, even talked to him and I thought I was feeling better. I thought was going to be OK. I'm not OK. When will I be OK? Please don't leave me like this. I need just a little more time. I'm longing for you sooo much. Maybe it's at night but I can't sleep at all. I'm just sitting here sad. I'm not crying, finally! But I'm soooo sad.

I need more time.

Struggling...

I'm struggling
I'm hurting
I'm confused
I'm questioning
I'm wrestling
I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm crying
I'm praying
I'm hoping
I'm trying

I Remember

"This is not to get confused, this one's for you...."

We've not spoken much lately
And it's been longer since I've seen your face
For my own good I had to set you free I had to let you go but I think of you daily
My heart hasn't thrown our love away

I remember you...your gentle ways, your patience with me,
never rushing me to love, you took your time, you learned me

Your fun loving essence, antonymous to my uptightness I recall your vibrancy each time I hear certain Musiq
I get lost in thoughts of you, as I sit and reminisce

I think of how You restored my faith and reminded me of the possibilities of love
I remember how loving you felt so effortless and everything I am was just enough

Have I ever told you thank you?
Even when I focused on the junk, my love for you was always true

Perhaps I forgot to tell you, if I did let me mention again
I love you my dear and today I remember my friend

Back to Blogging

I've gone back and forth about whether or not to continue with this blog. I realized that in the past, I blogged as a way to deal with a particular situation. It helped me through the painful times. For whatever reason, after my ex was murdered I became uninspired. I just forgot to blog, though I've had some great content. I realized though, that my blog was always helpful to me in terms of releasing...and I miss having that outlet. One thing that's been great in my life is that for whatever reason, me and my best girlfriends have been closer than ever! In the past I didn't really share too much of what was going on with anyone so I basically needed this blog to vent, LOL! Now I've realized that I just want to be here, however randomly or sporadically, I want to blog again! Huraaayyyy!!!

Summer of 2009-Reflecting

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."—Charles Dickens

This summer has been crazy! Well it's practically over now, but I'm taking a moment to reflect. Two aspects in particular stand out to me; death and birth.

Some deaths did not directly affect me but still took a moment to deal with (Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett among others)....


and then there was the death of a dear, dear friend of mine. Every time I think of him, picture his face, remember our last hug, I get sad and I need to take a moment to regroup. He was such a beautiful human being inside and out and though he knew and loved God and is in a better place, it hurts no less. Thinking of his new bride who is now a widow after a few short months of being married to her King seems no less tragic. I miss him, I'm still mourning him and things will just never be the same without J!

The thing I've realized though is that as much death that has befallen some loved ones, there have been children being born all around me. From close friends to old school pals, folks have been popping out some babies man! All this just makes me thank God that he always replenishes what is lost, figuratively and literally.

This summer I went to Puerto Rico with my girls and also had the opportunity to visit Brazil. Both beautiful places in their own right and both inspiring to me. I love traveling; I discover something new about myself whenever I go somewhere. I also discover something new about God. I always feel him ever so close and I know that he's trying to show me something, teach me something. I want to learn whatever it is.