Reflections Part 1-More than a year gone by.......yeah I made it

"I really meant it when I said that I would never leave you.
But now I realize that I love you too much to try and keep you"

King,

I’m sorry but I just can’t stay in this anymore. I’d rather end this now while we are still friends and respect one another than to let things continue to a point where our beautiful friendship is deteriorated. I love you too much and treasure what we’ve been to each other over the years too much to sit back and allow that to happen, when I know it’s in my power to prevent it. I know that I can’t trust my emotions. I am too deep in this to control the anger, jealousy, and other ill feelings that I lately find myself dealing with. I can’t be this woman anymore...."

These were the first words that composed the first sentences of the final letter that marked the beginning of the end. That was over a year ago and at the time, I was convinced that I would never be able to breathe without you...much less live without you. At the time, I cried even as I wrote these words. I sobbed like I was losing my best friend...in reality I was regaining myself. I sat there and read every word of this 5 page letter to you and I cried the whole way through it. You told me that I was going to "ruin my pretty dress" with the mixture of my tears and mascara...I didn't care. I was doing the "rigth" thing but it felt like hell and I never, ever thought I would make it past that moment. BUT I DID!!!!!!!!!!

Even as I write this "reflection" it's not to reflect on what I lost, but to rejoice in what I've gained....me! I've regained my joy, my self esteem, my pride, my confidence, my swagger, my trust in others (okay still working on this one), my love of laughter, life and love...Yes, I can now imagine myself receiving the love that I deserve, that I longed for and that is rightfully mine...I am giving this love to myself. So much has changed inside of me since the day that I read that farewell letter to you....Yeah we went back and forth for a while but in the end, it was the end and it was the best gift that I have ever given to myself.

Oh no I don't hate you, as a mattter of fact I will always love you, heck we are even "cool". I think back to the momeent that I realized I was over you...or rather had no desire to have you in my life in "that" way; I was shocked, amused, and delighted. I was finally free!!!

I can't ever forget the important lessons that I learned through "us". These lessons are a part of me. They are my wounds from the battle, they are a part of what makes me beautifully flawed and human...they are the mark of a woman who has been through some ish and knows what it is to love and be loved, they have helped to define me, realize my worth, forced me to take an inventory of my values, and opened my eyes to....so many things....All I can do is rejoice and thank God for the change that has come upon me...

I remember that I ended the letter with this:

".....it has always been my purpose to show you true, agape (godly) love and I think that this (me walking away in peace) is me demonstrating love to the fullest.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Love never fails – Corinthians 1:13"

Truer words have never been written...this is love, the way that God gives it and the only kind that I will ever accept or give.......

Gem