At her show while performing "Take Me", Teedra Moses said "I want to fall in love again yall". "It's been 8 years, damn". LOL! I thought to myself why? Why Teedra? "Why do you want to fall in love, to have someone bring temporary happiness just to snatch it away? Why, why, why? Cynical view, I know but really what does love do, but disappoint? Yes there are the moments and periods of happiness and even in those times I'll be wondering when is the crap going to hit the fan? When is he going to come to me and say he doesn't want this anymore? He doesn't want to be with me, I'm an amazing woman but he's just not there right now. He's sorry he cheated? I just don't know yall!! There's no such thing as enjoying the moment, only to regret it later. Where would I be right now if I'd said "no" to some moments? Would I be better off for "using my head" or left wondering and living with the regret of missed opportunitues? I can't win. It's not like this with ANYTHING else! If I enjoy the moment with my girlfriends I never regret it later. I just want this to make sense to me. I don't do well with things that don't make sense. I'm scared right now. Not scared but weery...I'm skeptical. It will take a lot to make me give in again. I know that for sure. God himself will need to whisper audibly and clearly to me. I can't be knocked down again. I just can't. I'm guarding my heart...as God in his Word instructs me to.
This is what paralyzes me, keeps me from calling or returning phone calls. I'm on the cusp of melancholy and peace...getting closer to peace each day. I want to be for once, totally emotionally detached. Not loving someone, not missing anyone. Not wishing he was still here. I just want to be free. I've never been free. I spent three years with the first, 8 years with the next. Almost two years trying to have the last. I want to be free. I feel like love has always been that thing that eludes me. The one area where I don't have it together, my dirty little secret. She's a diva but don't nobody want her. She's all that but he won't committ to her. She's so smart, why did he cheat on her?
I have some questions. Is there ever a place in love where you feel like that business is finished, we both gave our best, we moved on and there are no casualties? I don't know. I don't know of any situations like that. Do you? There's always someone left feeling like there was more to be shared, there's more that could have been done. When does love leave you totally satisfied? Never it seems. At least not in my experience. It's always bittersweet. I just want the sweet, for once, forever. I know hurt is a part of life, but I don't want to hurt anymore. Maybe I just need to rebuild myself, my esteem, my faith in love. I want to Be okay again...then think about this love thing again. But right now, it's just not for me. I just want to be free. Like it or not, this is my truth.
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4 comments:
Let me make this very clear...NOTHING that anyone does to you in terms of cheating or not committing has anything to do with YOU...it has to do with them...
think about those times you have come across a guy and he was a really GREAT guy but you just couldn't get with the program, it wasn't anything he "did" it was you...people (men and women) cheat and don't commit because THEY have their own internal issues that they are dealing with...
HOWEVER
the responsibility is on us though to maintain our standards and to never settle because when we do that...those who would have "stuff" will be weeded out...
take time for yourself get to know you, have fun with P enjoy P...and when you are ready and the time is right you will get back out there again, better than before, ready because YOU know who YOU are and what you will and will not deal with...so you can meet someone have a couple of convos and be like NOPE that aint it and not think twice about it...
just take your time and do you...its okay...
you are FAB never forget that one in million P that's for sure
TC-Thanks for the encouragement AGAIN!!! You are the best and I know I'm tiring with all my mess but ALAS, God will prevail and I'll be alright...per usual. Matter of fact, wrote this on Sat, by Sun I was back feeling good and just said “ces't la vie”...moving on. (Weeping my endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning) Prayed up and I'm FOCUSED man...new direction for me.
No longer trying to make sense of nonsensical stuff. The bottom line, I’m dealing with other imperfect humans.
Set backs are a set up for a comeback…
I think you're right in going with what your gut/instinct/spirit is telling you...allow yourself time to heal. Let your mind and heart mourn, refresh and renew. It's okay. It's dangerous to run around injured because you'll pick anything that may temporarily stop the hurt. And you deserve more than someone who can temporarily stop the hurt. You deserve someone who not only doesn't make you sad...but actually makes you happy too!
Hmm...yes, I think there are usually casualties to a certain extent. But, the key is that, once you heal, you can still smile at the good parts of those relationships. You can savor the sweet parts. Besides...how would you know they were sweet if you hadn't also tasted the sour?
Either way...keep walking towards your Free. Because really, that's the sweetest part of all.
well it is perception - never has such been bittersweet for me maybe to others but i look at it as great versus sad
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