808's, Heartbreak, & Other Random Stuff

I know this will sound like blasphemy to some, but I have never purchased a Kanye West album. I have heard all and appreciated most of his music, but never spent a dime on any until now.

I am in love with 808's & Heartbreak. My boy did a commentary about it when it first came out (yes I know I'm late) and he forewarned that one might only be able to appreciate it if you're "going through something". To me that sounded like it would depress me if I wasn't "going through something" so I refused to listen to it. Now I see why. The lyrics fuel my melancholy. Gives me a refuge for my feelings. Yes I have some feelings and I'm not afraid to say. I can listen to Kanye's pain and quietly sulk alone without feeling the need to act like I'm so over it. It's the soundtrack to my dark place.

I should have known that the first week was too good to be true. I was feeling all strong and powerful. Ha Ha!! It's like my mind played a cruel trick on my heart. That's me though. Always with a delayed reaction to things.

Why is it so wrong to just give in to being sad? Why is everything so black and white? Why do I feel afraid to admit that I am not alright? When will I be alright?

I wonder how many people walk around pretending to be alright when they are not? I can't fake it. I am in love and I am missing someone!

I'm being the kind of chic that others (even me) would call stupid and guess what? For the first time in my life, I really don't care. I don't feel motivated to move on when I'm not yet ready. I want to curse, I want to scream, I want to go off!! But I don't...I'm too busy being nice, strong, level headed, trying to be wise, me. TC once said "a wise woman, is a happy woman". I really want to beleive that. How long do I have to be wise before the happy kicks in TC?

Anyway. I love "Welcome to Heartbreak". Wow, those are powerful lyrics. Kanye really served me with these lyrics. I have done all the material things in life. I have the career, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, no bills, I can travel, and I have money saved in the bank. But what does that all mean? I am not impressed anymore. As a matter of fact I am not moved at all. What would make me happy is to hold someone, cradle a little baby in my arms, run barefoot in a field of grass, then fall over with laughter. Have a picnic at the top of a mountain. Visit a remote village in a far off land with my lover in tow.

I have new found respect for Kanye. My girl was in the car with me the other day when Love Lockdown was playing, I just zoned out. Almost forgot she was there. God bless her, she just let me have that moment. But didn't hesitate to call me weird once I snapped out of my trance. Oh well....

The other night I spent the night with one of my girls. I love her gentle spirit. She never pries and does not try to force a good time on me, when I'm clearly not there. This is why I love her. All she said was, "I think you are mourning the demise of the relationship. You never mourn. You just tuck your chin and move on. Maybe you should mourn and don't feel like you're weak because you do. You never mourned Ringo, at least not from what I could see". I only half listened then and am still letting that sink in. I mean I've already put up this I don't give a f front. How can I regress now? It was nice to be away from home though. For some reason I am happiest when I am away from home. How sad?

I still hate my upstairs neighbor. He does not allow me to have peace. He is loud and walks really hard. All I want is some peace and quiet. Why is that so elusive?

I am changing, wow! I can see the changes in me. Some are good some are, not so good. I don't care as much about things that I should care about. I'm not really feeling school. DID I JUST SAY THAT!!!?? OMG...but it's true. Will I finish? Of course because that's the right thing to do. But my heart's not there. I wonder if it ever was. Before I was fueled by competition. I had to be the first, the best, I wanted to impress everyone, needed straight A's, blah, blah, blah. Now I don't care. It's a freedom in not caring. Caring comes with responsibility. LOL! There is one place and one person that gave me a pass to not care. He understood me. Now I see what that means and how bad it sounds to say out loud. I am tried of competing with myself and I don't believe in competing with others. When we strip away all the BS (money, accolades, credentials, looking like you are somebody) why do we really do the things we do? This is why I respect the starving artist or the musicians that stay true to their craft even when their genre or style is not the money maker. It takes a lot. There are so many people high on life, getting what they want, feeling accomplished, settling in comfortably around me. I am happy for them. When I look back that's always been my motivation, that others around me are happy. I've always done what I do for others. I'm just not sure I care about the physical manifestation of happy anymore. I don't want to owe anyone anything and I want perfect health. For no obvious reason, I suddenly have not had a menstrual cycle in going on 3 months. So now my perfect health is in jeopardy?

I only desire to be intrinsically happy, be debt free and have perfect health. How that translates outwardly, I don't care. I can't believe that I just admitted that I don't care. (((Shrugs)))

Maybe I need to seek professional help. Talk to someone about my feelings. I never thought I'd feel like this, so blazay. I am not supposed to feel like this. I'm a Christian. I have Jesus in my heart. I am not joking. I must be doing something wrong.

I keep on going though. I went to church Sunday and just sat there in a daze, in a fog. I did not get into it. I did not get excited and I only clapped genuinely when that young girl gave her life to the Lord. That made my heart smile. Otherwise I felt like I was letting God down because I would not press pass my blah to worship him fully. I hope he can forgive me. At least I went, and I looked pretty and smiled a lot as usual. I prayed silently. He knows how to fix me and I believe He will, if He thinks I need to be fixed.