I wish I Could Say...

I'm down today, because you're not here with me
I'm sad today because you weren't here to kiss me
I'm melancholy today because you're the one I'm missing

I wish I could tell you and you'd still see me as strong
I wish I could say it and my words wouldn't come out wrong
I wish I could tell you and you'd not feel like the blame
I wish I could say that I wish things were the same

You're my love and I want to tell you
You're my friend but at times this thing makes me blue
You're my confidant and I know I can tell you anything
You're my heart but I need your respect above everything

I wish I knew what happened to the fearless woman inside
Who never bite her tongue or hesitated to speak her mind
I don't understand why I get like this at times
It's just that with you there's so much riding on the line

I fear that you might hear me and take my words too personally
It's not that I want to hurt you, rather hope that you'd understand me
See, today, just like yesterday, I felt lonely, sad and blue
And I wish I could tell you that it's mostly because...I'm still not over you

Hair Affairs

I don't expect anyone else to care about this topic at all but....

Why is it that whenever I'm "going through something" I want to take it out on my hair? LOL! My girl always tells me that it's a woman thing, especially sisters. Remember on 'Waiting to Exhale' when Angela Basset's character cut off all her long "pretty" hair in defiance? She'd wanted to do it for a while, but since everyone, including her cheating husband loved her hair, she refrained. But then when he left she did it!

I'm not sure the exact reason WHY I decided to lock my hair. Yes I think locks are gorgeous and I never plan to put a chemical relaxer in my hair again, but lately I'm not feeling it. I've avoided coming in my blog with the same ole bullshit because I'm trying to do better and grow but man I'm just depressed!! It's like no matter how much sleep I get I am still EXHAUSTED! Plus my appetite is no where to be found. I could write down everything that I ate this entire past week without even thinking about it. I have been so tired all the time, and at any moment I feel like bursting into tears. We had my god-son's birthday party today (he's two) and try as I may, I did not enjoy myself. I felt kind of left out because I was the only woman there without children (I know I should be happy/relieved). Even the life size Elmo thing could not cheer me up. All I could think about too was I need to change my hair, LOL! Like WTF does my hair have to do with any of this? Here I go, about to take my drama out on my hair again. When I chopped all my hair off to go natural years ago I was in a place of needing to "change". I think when I decided to lock I was determined to change somethings in my life and be strong in some places where I felt/feel weak and for some reason, locking appealed to me and still does. I basically applied the Samson theory to my hair. Lately, I have to admit I've been falling victim to the Eurocentric beauty ideal. I usually reject this notion but right now, I think I'm giving in. Like I don't feel pretty or sexy or feminine right now. I fee like I'm on some edgy shit which is cool, but I want to be soft and flowy. I know that I would never relax my hair but I remember having my blow out and how "pretty" I looked to myself and others. Of course I always received a lot of extra attention with my long flowy jet black blow out, something that I honestly despised then but miss now. Strange huh? I've even pondered the possibility that my biological clock is about to start ticking and I am narrowing my chances of catching a man with locks, because let's face it, men are just programmed to prefer soft flowy hair. Maybe my auntie's voice is finally getting to me. Not sure what it is, not sure what I'll do about it, if anything. It's not too late to turn back, but being who I am I will continue to lock because I usually do what I say and finish what I start, plus I am still very curious and I think locks are incredibly beautiful. I think this is just a test or a phase, the "ugly" stage of locks that usually weeds out the real from the fakers. But I miss my afro puff, my blow out and my run your fingers through soft curly bush.

It's no secret that I love a man with dreadlocks, I think they are very sexy. But I often notice that I rarely see a man with locks with a woman/girlfriend/wife etc, also with locks. Their women usually have straight relaxed hair, short straight cuts etc. Or they are white/mixed/other. Why is that? Why do I even care and why is that a topic of pontification for me lately? This is the type of insecure BS I'm on and I hate it. Why am I seeking outside validation, especially over something like this?

So of course I'm thinking as I get older transitioning into locks would be a good look for me, and I hate the heat damage that I would get from pressing my hair....for my hair, heat is almost as bad as relaxing because it left me with permanently straight pieces. Maybe I just needed to get this out in the open before I do something I'll regret.

End of this random BS rant. Off to do some schoolwork. Ah school, the one thing keeping things in perspective for me right now.

Peace

Grown Folks' Business

Somewhere between, the mistakes, the breaks, the changes, the pain, the triumphs, the good, the crazy and the convoluted, I evolved into this beautiful, sexy (you know I had to throw that in there <:), thoughtful, independent, kind, generous, sometimes misunderstood, but always well-meaning, selfless, loving, wise, fun, funny, fearless God fearing, Grown Woman. WOW!

This might seem obvious enough but every once in a while, it just hits me! Like "girl you are so grown, you are such a woman", hell "phenomenally" even, to borrow from the great. LOL! Have you ever experienced this moment? Handling your own affairs, paying your bills, taking your vacays, putting money in the bank, having fun, loving, learning, and living the life that you've always wanted. Add to that, the fact that I've managed to surround myself with so many like minded goddesses, wow! I love it!! Today it happened as I was conducting one of my "pamper sessions". I peered at my eyes from behind my facial mask and said "gone GURL"!! "Get it Ma, you're doing you". Yes ladies and gentlemen, taking a bubble bath can induce such moments of clarity and self awareness (no pun intended). You should try it sometime. I had my music going and I just felt this surge of peace and excitement. I'm always an interesting dichotomy of extremes, LOL! Anyway, while taking my bubble bath with my glass of wine (yes sir, red wine to be exact) I think I uncovered the secret to life too..............................................wait for it, wait for it



Life is a constant process of evolving, learning, and growing that does not cease until we die (sorry if that's a little morbid and deflects from the positive tone of this post a bit). But yeah, that's a gem right? Of course I'm being facetious, but real talk, we (talking about women again) put sooooo many timetables on everything, even our own growth. Like "I can't be doing this anymore, girl, I'm going on 30 darn years old" when the "this" we're referring to is loving and losing, having a change of heart or mind about things, making some bad decisions (that we thought were good) or just some stuff that we can't really stamp a darn age limit on. Now should we know better about some stuff? Of course but it's not age that dictates, it's experience that brings wisdom (if we allow it). Cause what if you're a 35 year old woman that's never been in love before and gets your heart broken real good for real at 37? Does that make you stupid, green, immature? I vote no. Or what if at 42, you decide that the career you chose no longer fulfills and you want to go back to the drawing board to pursue your passion, do you lack direction? Again, I think not.

But I aint even trying to preach today. Maybe it was the good Word at church today (see what happens when you go to church? All positive and stuff)or the Jill Scott I was pumping as I took a time out for me, but I'm just feeling good about my womanhood and I want to celebrate!!! Who wants to raise a glass with me? Here's to me and all my other Grown Ass Women (and men), doing their thing, having fun and loving life!! CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow if I come back up in here, an emotional wreck, please don't hold it against me, ok? We've already established that this is a LIFE LONG process, right? LOL!! <:)

I'm ready for whatever's next though. Grown Folks , stand up!!!!! Okay sit back down, you know you're at work.

Daydreaming

Awakened by the bright morning sunshine bouncing off the equally brilliant hue of her bedroom walls, she attempts to open her eyes to embrace the day. Suddenly the thoughts came, as their song (her morning alarm) played. "And so it is, just like you said it would be...I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes...I can't take my mind off you,"...

It'd been so long since the last time they shared a kiss but the suppleness and sweetness of his lips still lingered on hers. She remembered how that last kiss felt like the first. She smiled at the memory of how he always found a reason to touch her, even during casual conversation. She longed for the feeling of his soft yet manly hands touching her, no caressing her and venturing into places that only he could. In her daydream, they are both giving in, plunging in with eyes wide shut allowing their lust, emotions, and passion to consume them...it consumes them, and they quench it willingly, knowingly...

She'd put on her "big girl" hat and stood on an "I can handle it" stance to convince herself that she could, knowing, yet unaware of how far her thoughts would take her...post him. "I wonder what his good to you feels like", she'd often surmised to herself, "what's he like on a...Another image interrupts her reverie. Suddenly it hurts. "Lord is this my punishment", she whispered into the air. She'd been here before so she knew better than to turn into a calling too damn much, crying, crying...she'd never intended to be this chic...instead she'd resolved to be a dreaming, wishing, desiring, yet letting go and loving him from afar woman of substance.

...She allows the warmth of the sun to surge her with the energy and will to rise from her slumber, and face day head on....opening her heart to new possibilities.

I Should be Working

But instead I'm rambling on my blog...

Sometimes I admire people that are just ruthless. I usually take the high road in situations but "my private thoughts" would absolutely horrify the most sinister among us.

I am going to run that 10K again next weekend. It was fun last year and I want to beat my time from last year. But I am definitely taking my IPOD this time, screw running etiquette.

Last week I ate french toast for breakfast almost everyday and it was orgasmic! It's showing on my gut this week though, LOL!!

It's funny how when the crap hits the fan, folks run for cover, choose sides and switch up on you, but I guess that's life. I've been here before.

I've drafted 3 separate emails to express my thoughts but I've not sent one of them yet. I am not usually one who bites my tongue but something gives me pause...oh that's right, I'm prioritizing other's feelings again. Silly me, when will I learn?

I need to work on my poker face. Do you have a poker face? What does it look like?

I need to figure what I want to be when I grow up.

I need to seriously pack to move. I can't believe I'm moving to a city that not too long ago I declared "you aint got to worry about me coming over there". LOL! My how l...never mind.

At 5:30 I am going to get a mani, pedi, and eyebrow wax, then I'm going to the movies to see "The Women" all before I go home and dive head deep back into my books. I love school!

I love MATH...Okay not really but I'm trying to use the power of persuasion over my situation.

It's funny how after one begins to "climb the corporate ladder" we forget how to do simple tasks like using the postage machine. It took me a minute but I figured it out. I can't let anyone catch me slipping like that!

Friend. What is your definition of a friend? How do you know when you have or are a true friend?

Love, Peace and Hair grease. I hope your weekend is as fabulous as I plan for mine to be...

That Elusive Him

Today is one of those days that I wish you were around, my Him, who understands that sometimes I might not want you around, yet you stick around because you want me around.

After brunch the other day, my girl turned to me and said “can you believe we spent all that time talking about men”? She was right and the tone in her voice said that she dissapproved of our focus. My initial reaction was to agree that we needed a new “subject” but during class last night I was somewhat enlightened as to why I and others (women in my peer group) love the subject of MEN. Apparently from a sociological perspective young adults (we’ll say 18-40) spend a great portion of this time in our lives pursuing and maintaining relationships with a “significant other”. I’ll use caution not to call this a natural process, but rather part of our sociological conditioning. It is what it is. Whether we get this idea from TV, other media or witnessing it modeled before us by parents, we get to a point in our own socialization that we seek this person and until we get Him, we want Him and when we find Him, we fight to keep Him.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to berate myself for wanting my elusive Him. I’m not going to apologize that my blog is chock full of lamentations and musings over Him; the Him I had, the Him I lost, the Him I’ve loved, the Him that disappointed me or the Him that’s gone. Sometime in the future, there will be more rambling over a Him and that’s just my reality. At the end of the day, it does not define me and caution is given to anyone who wishes to judge me solely from this lens. I am complex and this desire, no CRAVING for someone special is my gift and my curse. I admit that I may be a bit of a dreamer in that I exist in a perpetual state of "If" as an "anonymous" poster wisely commented on a recent post of mine. But my "if" syndrome is not just about having any ol' dude. It's more of "if" this wonderful person that has come into my life is the one, then I can finally graduate from seeking mode to keeping mode. If not, what's his point, just to fuel my fantasies?

Women have it rough. On one hand there’s all this pressure to get a man, get married, make babies, etc and on the other hand there’s this invisible veil of guilt that hangs over us for wanting these things. I’ve found myself and others apologizing or purposefully avoiding the desires that burn within. Today I feel lonely, but guess what? I still got my butt up at 5:00am to board a 6:07am train to work. Later, I will leave work and take the same path back, not to go home, but to drive to class and spend three more hours in a lecture on Management. When I get home, that ever present voice will say to me "damn it would be nice if He was here" to hug me and say "love, how was your day". I'll imagine Him smiling proudly at me as he watches me study. Once I finally climb into bed, I'll long to hold Him and tomorrow morning, I'll picture me cautiously tip toeing out of bed as to not prematurely wake Him when I have to rise at 5:00am (yes I have a vivid imagination, so?) to do it all over again.

I’ve done it without Him, I’m doing it without Him, but I still desire Him.

She's A Bitch

Difficult, Bitch, Arrogant, Mean, Aggressive, Ball Beater..

Some of the names that a woman who's about her business is often referred to. A woman who's not sleeping her way to the top, but works hard to get what she wants. She's at the top of her class, and quickly rising to the top of her craft. She's a sweetheart once you know her but can be as vicious as a pit bull if you cross her. Yes, she takes no prisoners when it comes to doing what she's paid to do. Ironically, this woman just feels as though she's doing her job and even the people doing the name calling and finger pointing can't deny that. They can't give her the lazy charge or find fault in her.. So they make shit up. So sad and childish...grow up and get a backbone and some business. Hey if you want something go for yours is her motto, how can you not appreciate that? As much as she tries to look out for others, you still don't like her, but you do have to respect her because try as you may, the people who's respect you're trying to gain, already respect her so your backstabbing bullshit is in vain and is leaving you looking so weak...while she's smiling all the way to the bank!

If you were smart, you'd get in her good graces and learn a thing or two because this woman is going places. Instead of of hating on her game, she could help you elevate yours. Yeah, she could teach you, but she'll have to charge, HA HA!!