That Elusive Him

Today is one of those days that I wish you were around, my Him, who understands that sometimes I might not want you around, yet you stick around because you want me around.

After brunch the other day, my girl turned to me and said “can you believe we spent all that time talking about men”? She was right and the tone in her voice said that she dissapproved of our focus. My initial reaction was to agree that we needed a new “subject” but during class last night I was somewhat enlightened as to why I and others (women in my peer group) love the subject of MEN. Apparently from a sociological perspective young adults (we’ll say 18-40) spend a great portion of this time in our lives pursuing and maintaining relationships with a “significant other”. I’ll use caution not to call this a natural process, but rather part of our sociological conditioning. It is what it is. Whether we get this idea from TV, other media or witnessing it modeled before us by parents, we get to a point in our own socialization that we seek this person and until we get Him, we want Him and when we find Him, we fight to keep Him.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to berate myself for wanting my elusive Him. I’m not going to apologize that my blog is chock full of lamentations and musings over Him; the Him I had, the Him I lost, the Him I’ve loved, the Him that disappointed me or the Him that’s gone. Sometime in the future, there will be more rambling over a Him and that’s just my reality. At the end of the day, it does not define me and caution is given to anyone who wishes to judge me solely from this lens. I am complex and this desire, no CRAVING for someone special is my gift and my curse. I admit that I may be a bit of a dreamer in that I exist in a perpetual state of "If" as an "anonymous" poster wisely commented on a recent post of mine. But my "if" syndrome is not just about having any ol' dude. It's more of "if" this wonderful person that has come into my life is the one, then I can finally graduate from seeking mode to keeping mode. If not, what's his point, just to fuel my fantasies?

Women have it rough. On one hand there’s all this pressure to get a man, get married, make babies, etc and on the other hand there’s this invisible veil of guilt that hangs over us for wanting these things. I’ve found myself and others apologizing or purposefully avoiding the desires that burn within. Today I feel lonely, but guess what? I still got my butt up at 5:00am to board a 6:07am train to work. Later, I will leave work and take the same path back, not to go home, but to drive to class and spend three more hours in a lecture on Management. When I get home, that ever present voice will say to me "damn it would be nice if He was here" to hug me and say "love, how was your day". I'll imagine Him smiling proudly at me as he watches me study. Once I finally climb into bed, I'll long to hold Him and tomorrow morning, I'll picture me cautiously tip toeing out of bed as to not prematurely wake Him when I have to rise at 5:00am (yes I have a vivid imagination, so?) to do it all over again.

I’ve done it without Him, I’m doing it without Him, but I still desire Him.