Hair Affairs

I don't expect anyone else to care about this topic at all but....

Why is it that whenever I'm "going through something" I want to take it out on my hair? LOL! My girl always tells me that it's a woman thing, especially sisters. Remember on 'Waiting to Exhale' when Angela Basset's character cut off all her long "pretty" hair in defiance? She'd wanted to do it for a while, but since everyone, including her cheating husband loved her hair, she refrained. But then when he left she did it!

I'm not sure the exact reason WHY I decided to lock my hair. Yes I think locks are gorgeous and I never plan to put a chemical relaxer in my hair again, but lately I'm not feeling it. I've avoided coming in my blog with the same ole bullshit because I'm trying to do better and grow but man I'm just depressed!! It's like no matter how much sleep I get I am still EXHAUSTED! Plus my appetite is no where to be found. I could write down everything that I ate this entire past week without even thinking about it. I have been so tired all the time, and at any moment I feel like bursting into tears. We had my god-son's birthday party today (he's two) and try as I may, I did not enjoy myself. I felt kind of left out because I was the only woman there without children (I know I should be happy/relieved). Even the life size Elmo thing could not cheer me up. All I could think about too was I need to change my hair, LOL! Like WTF does my hair have to do with any of this? Here I go, about to take my drama out on my hair again. When I chopped all my hair off to go natural years ago I was in a place of needing to "change". I think when I decided to lock I was determined to change somethings in my life and be strong in some places where I felt/feel weak and for some reason, locking appealed to me and still does. I basically applied the Samson theory to my hair. Lately, I have to admit I've been falling victim to the Eurocentric beauty ideal. I usually reject this notion but right now, I think I'm giving in. Like I don't feel pretty or sexy or feminine right now. I fee like I'm on some edgy shit which is cool, but I want to be soft and flowy. I know that I would never relax my hair but I remember having my blow out and how "pretty" I looked to myself and others. Of course I always received a lot of extra attention with my long flowy jet black blow out, something that I honestly despised then but miss now. Strange huh? I've even pondered the possibility that my biological clock is about to start ticking and I am narrowing my chances of catching a man with locks, because let's face it, men are just programmed to prefer soft flowy hair. Maybe my auntie's voice is finally getting to me. Not sure what it is, not sure what I'll do about it, if anything. It's not too late to turn back, but being who I am I will continue to lock because I usually do what I say and finish what I start, plus I am still very curious and I think locks are incredibly beautiful. I think this is just a test or a phase, the "ugly" stage of locks that usually weeds out the real from the fakers. But I miss my afro puff, my blow out and my run your fingers through soft curly bush.

It's no secret that I love a man with dreadlocks, I think they are very sexy. But I often notice that I rarely see a man with locks with a woman/girlfriend/wife etc, also with locks. Their women usually have straight relaxed hair, short straight cuts etc. Or they are white/mixed/other. Why is that? Why do I even care and why is that a topic of pontification for me lately? This is the type of insecure BS I'm on and I hate it. Why am I seeking outside validation, especially over something like this?

So of course I'm thinking as I get older transitioning into locks would be a good look for me, and I hate the heat damage that I would get from pressing my hair....for my hair, heat is almost as bad as relaxing because it left me with permanently straight pieces. Maybe I just needed to get this out in the open before I do something I'll regret.

End of this random BS rant. Off to do some schoolwork. Ah school, the one thing keeping things in perspective for me right now.

Peace