Unbelievable

I'm having a very hectic week. I'm making plans for another out of country business trip. I'm making sure that all is in order for my transition to a new school in the fall. I'm taking care of some personal things as I'll be away for another month and I need to get some business in order. I'm moving, preparing for that as well. Even as I busy myself with all these tasks, and add even more to my plate of overlapping construction projects, closing and making final payments on others, I can't help to think (every 5-10 minutes, like clock work); he's dead, he's really gone and I will never see him again...

All my business and attempt to distract myself from the reality does not take away the fact that on Monday morning, Godmommy phoned to inform me that one of my favorite god cousins died of a heart attack early Monday morning. The way she told it; they went to church and then to dinner, all in celebration of Father's Day of which he celebrated his 10th...he went home around 8pm, at some point late night/early morning, he called his twin brother to say he was having chest pains... at around 4am he was found dead in his home...alone..at 38...of a heart attack. How is that even possible? He was not overweight, quite active in fact. I just don't understand. How is his 10 year old son now fatherless? He is dead, at 38, of a heart attack? Huh?

He just finished telling Godmommy, "tell Gem she aint too grown to come to these here family shindigs". I was in the Bahamas this year, instead of at the family reunion. I remember feeling kind of guilty for not being there too, but how was I to know I would never see him again? He was the chairperson this year and I heard that he did a fabulous job.

I'm dealing with this in my same old non confrontational fashion, trying to be distracted from the pain, by staying busy, by stepping up my game and working even harder to make it, for me and mine, smiling to keep from crying. I've always dealt with death in this very strange manner. I've had people very close to me die and not shed one tear.I know I should let it out and grieve and cry and deal with it head on.

Life is so fragile, precious, and unpredictable, and when I'm done grieving and even during this process, I'm going to live mine like I've never lived before...going hard, for me, mines and in honor of "Twin".