If I Was Your Girlfriend

I've got a confession.

This strong, intelligent, independent, free spirited, successful beautiful black woman gets lonely sometimes. Yes, there I've said it and guess what? I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!! I know plenty more just like me!

Okay now I know it seems like I'm stating the obvious but apparently I'm not. I got an email from a well meaning friend this week that stated the he watched CNN's Black in America, particularly the episode where they featured a successful black woman who was content with the idea of never getting married and it made him think of me! I know he meant well because he KNOWS me and knows my stance on marriage and committed relationships but I have to admit that I had a WTF moment after reading his email. I was like WTF is he trying to say, that I'll never get married if I so choose? Then I realized that the answer is YES. Not that he necessarily thinks so but apparently all signs point to the fact that my chances of being married are slim. Lucky for me, as I stand right now, I'm not overly enthralled with the idea of getting married but I do desire companionship, preferably with a black man! The fact is yes, I don't need a man for material things but I NEED and desire a strong black man that is willing to give me all the intangibles that money can't buy and I think I'm speaking for myself and a host of other black women that I know. WE NEED YOU and WE WANT YOU, so get your mind right and come be with us and let's work this out together!

Unfortunately intelligent women don't always make intelligent decisions when it comes to men, loneliness and the like. Case in point...

There's this man that I love and want so much that I feel like a raggedy bitch all the time because of my desire for him. I do things that I question the appropriateness of and I just want his energy around me all the time. I want him to do and say certain things but he can't and he won't and I get really frustrated and I feel disappointed at times. But who can I blame but myself, because I know that he has a girlfriend. We don't cross the line and we've both resigned to being "just friends".

The intelligent part of me wants to say, I'm done...totally! Fuck the pseudo friendship, forget the random times spent together, forget the possibilities and thinking of how happy we could be "if I was his girlfriend". If he wants me and loves me and misses me, he'll be with me and not someone else. It's just that simple. It's been a year and we’re still not together. Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!

Then I find myself getting so emotional over little things. I save voice messages for as long as the voicemail box will hold them just so I can replay them and smile to myself. I get mad when he doesn't respond to emails; I get so excited when he does. I love the sound of his voice in my ear...man I got it bad! But this is so silly and I know I'm better than this. It's not a positive reflection of who I am and it makes me so angry with myself that I'm going through this. What is wrong with me? Why haven’t I yet snapped out of this trance?

One of my sheroes, Harriet Tubman shares in her biography that after she escaped slavery, she planned to come back for her husband. She toiled as a laborer, cleaned after white folks and saved her money, bought him a wardrobe full of clothes, prepared for him and risked her life to go back for him. When she got back, she sent word for him to come and meet her in her hiding place but he'd already taken on another wife! Devastated and feeling betrayed and mad as hell, she almost risked being caught to go back to her former plantation to confront dude! But she thought better of it and decided that "if he could do without her, she could do without him" and she "let him drop out of her heart". From there she shifted her focus from bringing her husband and her immediate family to freedom to bringing as many slaves to freedom as she could. And we're all well aware of her contribution and powerful legacy.

What would her legacy be had she allowed her emotions to get the best of her? What would have been her place in history, none! She’d be just another dead slave who tried to escape but got caught. Over a man who chose someone else. I'm going to take a cue from Harriet, get over myself, and consider the bigger picture...