Marriage-Real Talk

“When you get married, you’re forced to drink the milk long after it’s spoiled.”

-Kimora Lee Simmons.


Why do we really want to get married? Meeting men who are "marriage ready" has really got me thinking hard about this. I'm not even going to lie, I flip flop on my desire or lack there of to be married. But as I get older I find myself questioning why I (and others) feel the need to get married. I really want some HONEST dialogue on WHY we want to get married. I don't beleive that being in love with someone is a good enough reason to marry them. I mean real talk, here's my take.

1. I want to be married because from time to time I realize the amount of time I spend alone and it shocks and terrifies me.

2. I want to get married so that I can engage in as much Guilt Free Sex as I like. I was once told that we should be specific in asking God for a mate so I've actually prayed for a man with a sex drive that parallels or exceeds mine; and I was serious.

3. I want to get married because I want children and I prefere not to be a baby mama. However, I am very warm to the idea of adopting and/or being a foster mother to a child/children in need of a loving home. Ironically, engaging in this endeavor as single person is not considered taboo or socially/religiously unacceptable. So I guess it goes back to the sex thing.

4. I want to get married because certain religious doctrines (which I happen to ascribe to) dictate that marriage (between a man and woman)is the only union that is acceptable in the eyes of God, whom I happen to believe in, love and reverence.

5. I want to be married because theoretically, being married will protect me from contracting AIDS, other STD's.

6. I want to be married because I want a partner to hustle with, build with, grow old with, get rich with, get fly with, brainstorm with, you get my drift... and I don't want that partner to just up and leave with my half of the coins in tow without some legal footing (for me) to stand on. F*&# that! I'm keeping it real. There is legal protection against a fool who's lost his damn when you're in a marriage. Plus no matter what day of the week it is, two incomes are always better than one.

So my question is this: Which of the 6 reasons why I want to marry above can not be accomplished in a healthy adult relationship?

I am NOT talking about some trash where someone is cheating, being dishonest, or playing games. I am talking about a situation where two adults agree and WANT to be together, realizing that NO ONE is ever going to be everything to you so let's bring out the best in each other, compliment one another in the areas that we can, and help to build each other up and give it our all until/if we decide that we want out for whatever reason.

For those of us that ascribe to any religious doctrine that sanctifies marriage, if shacking up or pre marital sex were not against the laws of said religion, would you REALLY still feel the need to get married? I will honestly answer no to that question. To me it all comes back to sex! I feel like the only thing above that I can not accomplish in an unmarried situation with a man is "guilt free sex"! Yes this is an area of struggle for me.

From time to time I've had dialogue on marriage with married and unmarried people alike and here is what I've gotten:

1. Marriage is not a natural desire. There is nothing innate within us that make us desire to be with one person for the rest of our lives. We, especially women are raised to believe that marriage is necessary to maintain some semblance of purity, and women also desire marriage for the sake of protecting their children. (I actually think that this desire to protect the child is innate).

2. Marriage does not cure the desire to be with other people sexually, emotionally, or mentally.

3. Some women no longer feel the need to be married once they've fulfilled the desire for children. Some even don't fear being divorced with children because in their head they can say "at least I was married" or these children were conceived within the confines so therefore they are not a "baby mama". Crazy but has actually been said to me!

4. There are married people that would be open to the idea of their mate going out and doing their thing and not be mad as long as they come back home.

Now I have said on several occasions to a few close people that sometimes I feel I lack the maturity that is necessary to forsake all and get married or be in a committed relationship and I really feel like my thoughts are very out the box or even strange. The fact is that I spent most of my adult life with one man and never cheated. I KNOW that this was only possible because we maintained our individual lives and I spent a lot of just "me" time in spite of the fact that I had someone. But I can't have that in a marriage can I? No, and I'm also beginning to see that as I get older most men define being in a relationship as living together and having stuff together, something that I'm completely against; unless of course I were married.

Personally I don't feel the "silent panic" that so many women to marry before 30 frankly because I just find that to be such a silly notion. I might actually respect this notion if I lived in a society where that same pressure were applied to men, but I don't because it's not. I don't know how I'll feel about all this in 5, heck, even 2 years but at this moment I...I just don't know. Maybe I'm just a bitter hater. LOL! Maybe someone else could chime in and help me out.