Sucker for Love

A hopeless romantic, sucker for love, wearing my heart on my sleeve, glutton for punishment, amongst other things would describe my approach to L.O.V.E.

I saw S&TC Friday night and the theme of the move was Love; it’s beautifulness, it's elusiveness (for some), the effort it takes to make it work, and the fact that it's defined as so many different things for so many people. I cried during this movie (I'm a big baby) because there were some moments that just hit home! I left very reflective, kind of melancholy and almost sad...

This morning as I jogged I thought about the state of my love life...or lack thereof with more clarity. Right now I am very single and I really hate the rigors of dating. I am not a serial dater and this is really the first time that I’ve been truly single. I have been meeting a lot of dudes lately but there is absolutely no one that I am interested in getting to know more. I really want to keep things very surface level and have fun and I am meeting people that want the exact opposite. I met one gentleman, "Mr. Syracuse"(older so not surprising) that feels the need to send me 6:00 am “Good Morning” texts in spite of the fact that we have not been on one date yet. We just met and merely shared pleasantires and brief (how old are you, what do you do, you got any kinds, etc) phone conversations. I was supposed to have a date with him on Friday night but I chose to go with my girls to see S&TC instead. He made it clear to me that he was not happy with me even though we had not even made solid plans and I called him well in advance to cancel. He even asked me who I was going to the movie with! Blower....

I admit that I really don't have a mission or “purpose” in dating. I am not looking for a man and I am not looking for casual sex. I am not trying to marry anyone right now if ever. I guess you could say that I'm open to the possibilities.

But I had someone that reminded me of the possibilities, and then he left. So Friday night I was mostly thinking about him and I realize that the way I feel about him is a bit deeper than I care to admit or am prepared to deal with especially since there is nothing I can do with these emotions. So now I am really questioning my intentions in this "friendship" and wondering if I am just playing myself and being a sucker for love once again. I am the way I am and I don't want "fear to change who I am". I just want to be smart and I don't want to be hurt. Sometimes I feel hurt by it all. I feel like when we were dealing with each other, we both took our time/opportunity for granted. I can say that for me, I wish I could reclaim some lost moments and opportunities that I missed out on to spend time with him, be held by him, be kissed and touched by him and to just enjoy him due to fear, playing hard to get, wanting to maintain the upper hand, etc. I am sorry for it. Because I miss him and I'm mad that this love s&*$ keeps slipping through my fingers. When this sort of thing happens, it makes me question myself, messes with my head and self esteem and that's not even like me! I just don't even know what to do anymore. I know that I am a great woman and I just tell myself that as much as possible. I feel like I’ve been here before and this is just a test of my resolve and character.

I wish I could have an honest, open conversation with him about these feelings. But that seems so self serving, foolish and inappropriate to me. At least it would be for me to initiate such a conversation. I was hoping that when I came home from Africa, he would have had that conversation with me without us just moving ahead as "friends" like there was never anything between us. But maybe it's selfish for me to even feel like this. But man I..., F*&% it!

I like the way each woman's love story in S&TC was so different and realistic. I think that I'm most like Carrie (if I have to choose one) in that I am a dreamer when it comes to love, I believe in it, have experienced it (good and bad), and still believe in it. But also like Samantha, there are aspects of being in a commitment that feel so stifling and scary for me. I don't like the single life because I want to get my freak on but rather because I am such a loner and I know that's not cool in a relationship. I think that with the right person this could be cured though. To me Charlotte’s life resembles the America dream or the perfect love story (ending), although she notably (to me) has never had her own identity like the others. She's always been attached to a man and seems to find her value within the context of a relationship, something that I can’t identify with at all. Like, I don't ever remember her having a real career like the others. Miranda, represents that go getter part of me, that I think I would have to lose some of to make a relationship work. Like the part of my job that I love right now is that I travel. Some of my upcoming travel will require me to be gone for weeks at a time and although a bf/gf relationship might fare well with that, would a marriage...with kids? Probably not.

Regardless of how much of a sucker I am for love, I am not jaded at all and I know that I have the right ingredients to make something good work. The one thing that I've learned about love is that to make it work, it takes a level of selflessness that most people don't really understand. You have to constantly think of the other person. To me, it's like loving your child, it's not what they can do for you but rather how you can be a blessing to your partner and I believe they (a good mate) will naturally reciprocate. Those girls in the movie learned this. Selfishness is the root of all evil when it comes to relationships. When you start seeing things from the "what I want" perspective things quickly deteriorate.